Confusing sexual and emotional intents

[Jariel]

I have closure on my recent breakup drama and have learned something very interesting from it.

I was talking to a mutual friend and he revealed everything. Simply put, this girl wanted me for a sexual relationship. Apparently, I got her aroused, but because I refused to do anything while she was with her boyfriend, she took a "break" from him to have some fun with me.

My mistake then was confusing sexual and emotional attraction. I was pursuing a LTR, trying to be warm and affectionate, while she was acting on sexual desire and pursuing something physical.

In learning this I've been enlightened as to why most of my relationships have failed, and maybe why a lot of nice guys, LTR type guys fail in their relationships too.

Sexual attraction can lead to emotional relationships and vice versa, but they require two very different strategies and failure to distinguish between the two will lead to failure, period.

 

[legrandtango]

So what are you views on the different stragies you should take?

 

[rgeere]

What you have stumbled on is very true, and I will explain why ...

There are 5 parts that form 'self'

That being mental,physical,emotional, sexual, and spiritual.

In order for a human relationship to work, both parties must accept all of these aspects in each other. If at any time one member begins neglecting or rejecting any part of the 5 parts of self, it causes distance that can only be revived by reaccepting that part.

For example, people tend to isolate sex in both directions alot. You'll find a lot of relationships that go like this.

Either:

Relationship #1
"mental,physical,emotional, and spiritual."

or

Relationship #2
"sexual"

Either one is just as bad, neglecting any of these normally leads to a break-up or abusive relationship, thus continuing the cycle of mistrust in other people.

 

[Jariel]

Originally posted by legrandtango
So what are you views on the different stragies you should take?

If it's sexual attraction, you need to flirt, touch and behave in a sexual manner towards her, talk sexually and try to arouse her. When you kiss, it should be passionate and dominant. The Gunwitch method has some points worth taking here.

Emotional attraction depends mostly on affection, warmth and trust. You should work on rapport and make her feel good about herself as a person. Romantic gestures will also go along way and kissing should be gentle and tender, and your embrace should feel warm and secure.

However, if you get the attraction confused (as I have done), a sexual approach will scare the emotional woman away by being too forwards and shallow, while the emotional approach on a sexual woman will seem too clingy and affectionate.

 

[Jariel]

Rgeer: I completely agree with your summary, but isn't physical and sexual attraction the same? I also think there's a sense of security that some women look for in a relationship.

However, looking at your summary, I can see where I have fallen short.

 

[rgeere]

Originally posted by Jariel
Rgeer: I completely agree with your summary, but isn't physical and sexual attraction the same? I also think there's a sense of security that some women look for in a relationship.

However, looking at your summary, I can see where I have fallen short.

Well, by physical that means how you generally look irregardless of sex. That could be genetic traits, how you cut your hair, whether you wear glasses or not, how you dress in general, or even whether you bathe regularly or clip you toenails. I guess you can even go as far as to specify whether you keep your own physical posessions clean or not, like your room or house or type of car you drive.

Sex is simply the need to fulfill the act.

Now, security is another thing all together that I didn't really address, though if a person was truly accepted in all parts there would be no abuse. I would have a look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs to clarify the issues concerning that.

http://web.utk.edu/~gwynne/maslow.HTM