confessed to GF

[Jair213]

I have confessed to GF something that i have never told any ex gf's that i have had.

Lets keep it simple and short

Came from a broken home due to my father cheating on my mother for many years as i grew through out my teen years. How i felt about it going through that as a teen, and how it has affected me now. How i saw my mom suffer and explained to her how that is the reason why i would never cheat on anyone.


My gf's behavior has changed ever since i told her this. She's more affectionate towards me. Shes more attentive. It seems like her interest level has gone up immensely and she's just has this different vibe to her towards me in a positive way. From the way she hugs me to the way she even kisses me. I could feel she's more all around more caring. This is crazy. Any explanations towards this change of behavior?

 

[Billtx49]

Your confession to her did two things as I see it. Qualified you as a moral high value man to her and gave her an added emotional saftey net. Probably why she's being more open to you now.
At any rate, her opinion of you has at least risen a notch or two. Maybe more…

 

[El Payaso]

It's nothing. A woman's emotions and feelings are as fleeting as the wind. Enjoy it for now but know that it could all change at the snap of a finger.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

Now go cheat on her OP just to see what happens.

Jk (unless you want to I suppose...), just don't become a wuss.

 

[The Duke]

Everything that has been posted is spot on. And you definitely put some of her fears at bay and connected to her on a deeper emotional level.

Appreciate her new feelings for you but realize women are still women. They live in the moment and are only loyal to their emotions. She might hate you next week!

 

[fastlife]

I'm afraid I'm a little less optimistic about all this than some of the posters here. Short-term, yes, she feels like she earned something and feels privileged for the new knowledge she has about you. She might even perceive you as weaker--which would explain her new behavior. HOWEVER, having been in a similar situation once or twice (or four or five times), don't be surprised if at a later date she uses that knowledge of your psyche against you.

Additionally, with this particular confession, it's even worse since you're giving her total security. Insecurity is an essential component of attraction--but now she knows you'd never, never cheat, which while she finds this relieving for the time being will later severely handicap your leverage in the relationship.

Tread carefully.

 

[El Payaso]

I'm afraid I'm a little less optimistic about all this than some of the posters here. Short-term, yes, she feels like she earned something and feels privileged for the new knowledge she has about you. She might even perceive you as weaker--which would explain her new behavior. HOWEVER, having been in a similar situation once or twice (or four or five times), don't be surprised if at a later date she uses that knowledge of your psyche against you.

Additionally, with this particular confession, it's even worse since you're giving her total security. Insecurity is an essential component of attraction--but now she knows you'd never, never cheat, which while she finds this relieving for the time being will later severely handicap your leverage in the relationship.

Tread carefully.

I cannot agree with this enough.

 

[Trump]

Came from a broken home due to my father cheating on my mother for many years as i grew through out my teen years. How i felt about it going through that as a teen, and how it has affected me now. How i saw my mom suffer and explained to her how that is the reason why i would never cheat on anyone.

My gf's behavior has changed ever since i told her this. She's more affectionate towards me. Shes more attentive. It seems like her interest level has gone up immensely and she's just has this different vibe to her towards me in a positive way. From the way she hugs me to the way she even kisses me. I could feel she's more all around more caring. This is crazy. Any explanations towards this change of behavior?

Enjoy it while it lasts. It will change as soon as you run out of money or a Hollywood Director discovers her.

Why on earth would you tell your gf that? That's not sexy. Keep anything emotional to yourself. She will use it against you at the most opportune time, where it's most painful for you and most beneficial for her.

 

[dingmachine]

I cannot agree with this enough.

Double if he told his gf that he's never told this to any other gf before. I'd recommend four days of no contact, and when she reads you the riot act about ignoring her, just use CH's line: "I thought you were different than all the other girls in this city." Then hang up. Dude needs to rebalance the power dynamic after this.

 

[l_e_g_e_n_d]

She is not your mother. She is a skilled chess player, and you just showed her your opening. Don't fault her when she uses this opening to your detriment.

In the future, just as you would treat any adversary, give her nothing.

 

[TheCuckSlayer]

Ha...

There's some justification to the notion that as men, we are emotionally retarded.

OP, I'm assuming you told your gf this because you've been together for a while, have a solid, strong relationship, and she loves and respects you.

Vulnerability is sexy. It's a sign of strength. You're a fwcking human being, how the fwck does a human being come out of what you've experienced and not be affected in the long term by it?

Some DJ concepts cannot be taken too literally, especially in a LTR. You're not being a whiny b1tch crying to her every day (assuming you're not) about how everything wrong is someone else's fault, you're not being weak, you're not being a pu$$y, you're not being a beta.

It's the guy who refuses to open up about trauma and desperately clings to the safety net of solitude who telegraphs weakness. You have a strong, healthy LTR. Now I'm not saying you should declare "Baby I will love you forever and be your eternal servant and worship your feet", I'm saying that your ability to talk about a dark aspect of yourself, your history, is a strength, not a weakness.

 

[fastlife]

@TheCuckSlayer

Except that in OP's case it's unresolved emotional trauma. He isn't talking about something he got over or grew from; it's more like, "Hey, when I was a kid I made some assumptions that has created a psychological weakness that still affects me to this day and that I'm still compensating for."

Let's not sugarcoat this. I went through some sh1t as a kid; I'm sure a lot of us did; a lot of that sh1t affected me far longer than it should have--right up until the point I took responsibility for it. Up until that point I'd tell girls about it from a place of need & the misguided notion that she should understand, comfort me, agree not to hurt me in similar ways. Now, OP isn't responsible for his father running out on moms--BUT HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT CONCLUSIONS HE INTERNALIZED FROM THIS SITUATION & HOW THOSE CONCLUSIONS AFFECT HIS PRESENT/FUTURE BEHAVIOR.

For instance, the OP defaulted to identifying with the feminine (as most of us do when it comes to our parents) but has he ever thought to revisit that situation to develop a more well-rounded perspective. For instance:

• Did mom fulfill dad's needs sexually, emotionally, etc.?
• Did dad make a promise he couldn't keep based on an incomplete knowledge of himself?
• Is it possible that mom instigated his affair since she has the need to identify as a victim?
• Did mom really have any business confiding in me at the time? Was doing so looking out for her or my own best interests?
• Did dad intentionally hurt me; was it his responsibility to totally self-efface and abnegate his responsibility to himself & his desire just because he had a kid.
• Which one of my parents were modeling a healthier sense of self?

Would any of those factors change his perception of the situation?

OP hasn't done any of the hard work. Until he can say, "You know, when I was a boy my dad cheated on my mom and for a long time I blamed him. I thought that if I could just be faithful or a good person it could undo the sense of betrayal I felt; but as I've gotten older I realized that mom and dad are just two imperfect people--and maybe he had his reasons...," he has no business telling girls about this situation. Talking about vulnerabilities you've overcome (or are actively taking steps to overcome) is attractive; talking about things that still plague you is unattractive. Using those vulnerabilities to virtue signal and attempt to elicit emotional supply is pathetic--and I say that as someone who used to do the same damn thing with the exact same rationalizations.

That's the same tactics narcissists & borderlines use to appeal to Cap'n-Save-a-H0es; to force other people to walk on eggshells; to vindicate their own behaviors.

 

[TheGambino]

I cannot agree with this enough.

I kind of agree.

 

[Billtx49]

Bottom line - He saw the damage done by that type of behavior and decided to live his life differently. Positive approach for a better life.

 

[l_e_g_e_n_d]

Some of you guys still don't fully grasp human nature: Give her enough rope, and when her versatile emotions turn against you at one point--and they will--she will use your disclosed vulnerabilities to hang you. Some of you guys are more blue pill than you would like to believe.

 

[wifehunter]

What ever happened to keeping it light, and having fun?!?

 

[Billtx49]

Some of you guys still don't fully grasp human nature: Give her enough rope, and when her versatile emotions turn against you at one point--and they will--she will use your disclosed vulnerabilities to hang you. Some of you guys are more blue pill than you would like to believe.

So what else is new. She will definetaly use intimate personal information against you at some future time. With solid frame it just bounces off.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

You story just displayed that you have sympathy / empathy for your mom for what she went through.

If your GF is anything of an "Awww" then yeah here attitude would temporarily change like you stated it has.

Nice psychological breakdown from @fastlife Is he the new resident psychologist at SS?

 

[sazc]

@fastlife @TheCuckSlayer great additions to the conversation. You've given this a multi dimensional spin, That's always important when analyzing situations, and super interesting to read.
@TheCuckSlayer and here I was certain you were poon king....not with that response!

@Jair213 you opened up to your girlfriend and she now feels emotionally closer to you, this is why you see the change in her behavior. She now cares about you more.

I cant comment on 'will it last or not' Answers to that question are difficult to determine because it really depends on the ongoing dynamic of the relationship. Did you give up your frame? I dont know that either. That probably more so depends on the frame you had going on. If your frame was strong, it will remain strong in her mind.

Will she ise this information to get back at you later? You cant know that either. That really depends on how she was taught to handle intimacy in her family. If she was taught to respect intimacy, or she learned that you must respect intimacy if you care for someone, then you will be fine. If she ever throws your vulnerabilities back into your face, then this is a female you will never be able to truly trust enough to gt CLOSE to.

As a rule, you can test a females loyalty and level of caring by sharing an intimate detail with them and seeing how they respond. if they blow you off or try to trivialize how you feel, you should re evaluate if this is a chick you want to get close to. If you share and become vulnerable with any female and, at a later date, for any reason, she throws your words back into your face in an ugly manner, this is a female that should really be nexted - at the very least, turned into a plate that keep at an emotional distance.

 

[WanderingMan]

This seems to be on the same lines as telling her "I love you". For better or for worse, you're opening yourself up and showing her the chinks in your armor. What she does with that weakenss is up to her. As was mentioned, frame is big here IMO. I believe giving her some emotional connection, telling her a secret about the interworkings of yourself, is fine. As long as, like was mentioned, you're not doing it in a self-serving manipulating manner, and you're doing it while keeping your frame.

Sidenote: IMO, it's okay to say I love you (first even), but, as what happens with a lot of men, they turn into wussified manginas once they utter those sometimes fateful words, otherwise they're doing it as a last minute, hail mary, desperation atttempt to keep the girl. Frame, as with many things, is key.