Complaining LTR, what to do?

[merlinthe]

TL;DR;My girl complains a lot, our love life sucks because of me, we are together for 3 years and she has done some good things to me and I think I still love her. What to do?

First of all - I discovered sosuave.com like 7 years ago and I became a true DJ three years later. I had (and I have) no problem meeting and dating girls... This year I'm 27 y.o.

Having said that - I'm in a relationship that I'm not quite happy with.

<how great she is - you can skip this>
We are together for three years now, we live together and I love many things about her. All of my friends like her, my business partners as well. She has taught me to be empathic and she likes to have sex (a lot). She has a lovely smile, looks good and has a thousand lovely things about her. She also understands (to some extent) how hard it is to be an entrepreneur, se can be supportive and she would go with me to the end of the world.

She's been with me through some tough times - the death of my father, running out of money, depression. She also loves me much.
</how great she is>

<the problem>
The main problem is that she is a nagger.

Being a DJ I was able to handle her sh*t at the beginning. I didn't cave in to everything and we even broke up twice in our first year because of that.

But you know - time wears people off. So I started caving in...

She complains a lot, to the point in which I constantly feel that I have to apologize to her, or that I did something wrong. Because of that I need a constant appreciation from her - if she doesn't show me any affection for 10 minutes then I feel that I've done something wrong.

We live together, so our duties are split. She does laundry, I do the dishes...
</the problem>

<today>
As an entrepreneur I work at home a lot. Today I stayed at home, but I cannot work. I just spent an hour cleaning up the house and I think that she will get back home from her work and she will complain about something.

I've had an anger attack :trouble: - I hit the furniture, I almost smashed some kitchen things.

What I really would like is to have some time for myself. I want to organize a lan-party with my friends tomorrow, but she complains that we don't spent enough time together (last 7 evenings we spent at home doing nothing).
</today>

<other things about her>
She is unable to organize anything by herself. If I don't go out she won't go out, If I go out then she either goes out with me, or stays at home. When we signed up for gym she either went to it with me or not at all.
</other things about her>

<sex>
.. and our sex life... It sucks, but because of me. I've been depressed for the past three years and I don't want to have sex. I don't know if that is because of the external reasons (I've had plenty) or because she cut my balls off.

The poor sex life makes me feel constantly inadequate. I feel that I should apologize to her for that. She used to complain about our love life, but now she just says nothing (although I know she still wants it).
</sex>

<what to do>
So give me advice guys. Today I'm thinking of taking a break of her if she complains about at least one thing. Other solutions I consider were - drinking a lot of booze and killing the pain... Getting back to basics and stop caring about her while still living together (easier said than done though)...

****. I feel like my balls were cut off. I know I could leave, meet plenty of girls and be in a new relationship by Valentine's day if I wanted. :rockon: I'm not a *****ng AFC who got into LTR with a first girl he managed to. I actually broke up with three other girls to be with this one (one before her, one during our first breakup, one during our second breakup). She has some good quality...

Help, guys.
</what to do>

 

[KarmaSutra]

How is staying in this bullsh!t relationship, one second longer, going to help you?

It won't. Get out. Walk away.

I can say this, because I've fvcking done this. I walked away from everything. I took my LoveSac, my 360, my favorite fork, and my 42" 1080i. Be damned with everything else.

Now I'm free and fabulously happy.

 

[Boilermaker]

Wow .. You sound really desperate and tired ..

I don't think she wants sex as much as you think she wants it. Your love life sucks because she sucked the spirit out of you by her constant b!tching and it makes it easier for her to control your sex drive.

Believe me, a person like you are describing here won't stay silent if one of her major needs is not satisfied for the past three years.

A true DJ wouldn't put up with a rotten relationship like this out of habitude ... Get up on your feet, call her out on her nagging and negativity. Don't cave in, brother, never cave in. And dig yourself out even if you surrendered a long time ago.

And get the hell out of this is it doesn't get better.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Put an age on your profile OP.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Nah, don't break up with her. But the next time she starts b!tching, tell her to SHUT the FVCK UP. She created your anger, so let her deal with that anger. Obviously, don't hit her or get yourself in trouble (yelling is domestic violence in California). But don't feel like you have to shield her from anger that she creates. Maybe she'll leave you, but probably not. My guess is that, as hard as this is to believe, she really wants you to tell her to quit b!tching. She's like a misbehaving child seeking boundaries.

Sometimes couples have to fight. It's therapeutic, and much better than holding in the anger and breaking furniture when she's not around.

 

[Die Hard]

Haha, I've been wanting to ask you this for half a year now, Bible: How did you get your signature? It makes me lol everytime I see it Did you just make that up or is it a quote?

To the OP: You seriously need to analyze your youth and the relationship with your mom. I have a feeling you'll find that your current relationship and the interaction patterns between you and your girlfriend are just a repeat of how things went between you and your mom when you were a boy...

The problems you have with your girl are really just a symptom of problems you have with yourself. Don't try to fix this relationship, fix YOURSELF! Get to the root of your depression and deal with that etc. If she can aid you in the process of you working on yourself, you should cherish her. If she obstructs you in the process of you working on yourself, throw her in the trash can... Remember this: The relationship you have with a girl is always secondary to the relationship you have with yourself.

 

[jophil28]

The main problem is that she is a nagger.

Being a DJ I was able to handle her sh*t at the beginning. I didn't cave in to everything and we even broke up twice in our first year because of that.

But you know - time wears people off. So I started caving in...

Nagging, like crying, is one of women's most basic and most juvenile tactics of control and manipulation.
They learn both from their mothers, and they do both because mostly, they work.
Problem is that woman do not realize(or care) that they destroy a perfectly good LTR in the process.

In your case her b1tching, complaining and nagging has become the major source of power and energy in your relationship.
I wager that more tasks get done after she nags and b1tches than by discussion or calm negotiation.
Whether you stay or leave is not as important as when and how you reclaim your rightful leadership of YOURSELF.
Start NOW.

This reclamation starts with a thought and then another. Thoughts of dominance and leadership. However, you cannot begin to lead her until you are in control of yourself . At the moment her nagging is commanding this platoon. Lt. Nag is in charge rather than Lt. Merlin.

*Stop REACTING to her taunts, criticism and whining. Say nothing. Withdraw .
* Get back to the gym .
* Get out with your buddies regularly.
* Find and join a recreation that appeals to you. Sign up BEFORE you mention it to her.

THat should get you started back along the right path.

 

[Warrior74]

Start passing her **** tests. When she nags, crack a joke. Get your Dave in Hawaii on. Get your balls back. Be a man. If all else fails, dump her.


http://roissy.wordpress.com/2009/08/14/relationship-game-week-a-readers-journey/

 

[DMEDFISIK]

What motivated me to end my first LTR of 1.5 years was persistent nagging and complaints that I wasn't spending enough time with her. It hurt, but I ended it.

My advice:
1. Get back to actively working out and make it a lifestyle.
2. Start doing things you love.
3. Don't let her nagging "push" you around.
4. When next she nags, kindly tell her you don't approve of it and prefer a mature civil conversation. Insist this is the way you will have a conversation so long it remains civil all the way through.
5. When you spend time together, don't do "nothing". Do something fun.
6. Be firm, nice, friendly, and cordial.
7. Tease her when next she nags.

 

[Zarky]

honestly the OP should not be soliciting advice from faceless people on the 'net, he should be in professional therapy.

 

[Bible_Belt]

How did you get your signature?

The reference is to the Soup Nazi character from Seinfeld; I changed my sig to that after the sosuave 10-post daily limit rule was enacted.

 

[hithard]

honestly the OP should not be soliciting advice from faceless people on the 'net, he should be in professional therapy.

Now the Op has taken note of the above here is some more advice from a faceless person on the net.


Your inner strength sounds shot. In fact it sounds like you need to deal with some inner turmoil professionally.
Couple questions
Is she the actual problem in your life? Or just the straw that breaks the camels back?

Is your relationship currently running on auto?
e.g.
Get home
Go instantly into defensive mode
Do chores
Eat dinner
Repeat
Are you in a rut in other words?

Did she start out a nagger within the first 6 months?

The easy solution is to dump her and ignore your other issues until another problem hits you head on. But chicks like this usually need a dominant male that doesn’t pander to their whims (actually most girls).

She didn't take your balls you just laid down and gave them up (not trying to be harsh). Imo she would rather you still had them. Intestinal fortitude is very important to the entrepreneur. And sounds like you are all out of it from combined incidents, whether work or LTR. Also sounds like you are crossing business and relationship stresses into the one ball.
When is the last time you took a holiday with her? Or is she the type to nag then as well?
I'd take a break even if it is a short stint

You can blame her as much as you want, but is her nagging being the source of your misery well aimed?

Also put yourself in her shoes
You don't want to sleep with her
She rode out your depressed stage
Rode out your broke stage
Now has to lead in a dominant role

Don't think for a moment I'm not on your team though cause I'm in your corner If you think she is just a closet nagger then fluck her off. But if you think there maybe other issues as well that could be dealt with first- then it's time to deal.

Just an opinion from the info at hand
Plus what Jophil said

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Merlin,
They all nag,the smart thing to do is,Never,but never,move in with them unless you want Kids with them....As a true DJ,you can spin plates,and get them from under your feet,by giving your relationship a little space....If you get Sex on demand,after three years,this is a remarkably good and rare thing,so don't get rid of her.rather Downsize or as some would say,Rightsize your relationship.

 

[Colossus]

Holy sh1t dude I have zero tolerance for nagging. I never have...it just pushes my intense anger buttons.

I think you are too far gone in this relationship, although guys have probably dug themselves out of worse. Bottom line is you are freaking MISERABLE. And you live with her---bad life choice. I would take heed to the others' advice and implement a zero-tolerance policy on nagging. Tell her to STFU, then that night I want you to rip her clothes off and fvck her as hard as you possibly can. Seriously, act as if your d!ck is a weapon of mass destruction and the enemy is her whiny, nagging pvssy. Pull her hair, slap her as$, toss her on the floor and bang her on the carpet. After a good hour or two of brutal pounding you should bust your nut all over her, then have a good laugh and go make yourself a sandwich. Rename your d!ck the Destroyer. Sorry to use such colorful terms but you need a serious testosterone intervention.

 

[sodbuster]

YOU change it or it will get WORSE. Once you have kids and she can take them and half your wealth??? It's easy to get comfortable and not fight over the little things....but they keep getting bigger and bigger. When you've had enough and you grab your balls back,then you tell her "THIS needs to change or we get a divorce"-she won't believe you are serious. Being an easy going guy is great for a guy friend....death with women.

ASK me how I know,cost me 200k in the divorce. MY ex wife sounds alot like your GF. A control freak who uses sex and nagging to try to run your whole life... they don't want to give up that control easily.