Cold, Distant and then Cut Off - Making Amends with A Girl. Possible?

[JohnnyBoi]

Hi all,

I've been out of the dating game for quite a while due to now being in a long term relationship but I have a friend who is REALLY suffering. I mean really suffering. I need to get him on the right path but I'm rusty. I still know the basics but need some guidance on how to handle this better.

Backstory: He met this girl randomly in a shop, he got talking and she added him on facebook. They chatted for hours and then ended up going on about 5-7 dates within the space of three weeks. They really connected, it's the usual story of someone who builds a deep connection with someone in a short space of time and then is mystified on why that person begins to go cold.

Here is a the big thing for me, this girl sent him a text to "end" things and she was really mature and polite about it. She offered to meet in person if he wanted (he did) and they met. They talked for two hours and things were like normal (as expected) but still the overall theme for her was parting ways. He continues to message her on facebook after that day, like 'watched that film by the way' and she goes quieter and more distant. Sending him the odd message but eventually he becomes a bit worried and he ends up going into her workplace "to buy something" and she waves at him but walks to the office instead of going to serve him. He wonders wtf and after he leaves he ends up sending 'that message' but it's not that bad. The message just says 'i wasn't expecting that...blah blah..good luck in the future with XYZ' and so forth but it's the chump move. Some people say stick to your principles but I see the situation for what it is. She ended it with him TWICE, once she even met with him in person, which was very mature but he still tried to pursue her. He admits that much now but none of it's helping him. He's taking it too personally and has this girl high up on that pedestal.

Of course, she deletes and blocks him on every social media outlet after the message he sends. Seven months later he is STILL in the pitts due to this one girl. They still work on the same retail park, so it's kind of understandable if the wound gets open now and then but he's in therapy for it (which gives you an idea of what I'm working with). Few random thoughts; he told her she was his first (virgin), he hasn't been back in since or contacted her since, she is in a relationship now.

My thought is he needs to get focusing on improving his life and maybe start dating again but it's falling on deaf ears. He's so focused on thinking he's done something so bad to the most important girl to ever walk this earth and he will never be able to talk to her again. I see it for all it is, the girl went off him for whatever reason and he become ultra needy, needing an answer to why she had gone more distant in all of a week.

He needs what he will probably never get, the acceptance off her again. Has anyone ever overcome a similar situation or do I need to get him to see the light?

Thanks for reading guys.

 

[wifehunter]

He turned her off. He needs to work on turning women ON.

Simple as that.

 

[JohnnyBoi]

Maybe I got to admit defeat on this one and just let him do his thing. Hard to see him struggling so much and no matter what I say, nothing changes. Perhaps he's suppose to struggle in order to eventually learn and realise. Lack of experience will stay that until more is gained.

As true as it is, telling him that all he needs to do is forget her and start turning women on instead, won't make a difference because he just cannot move on.

How do I get him on the right path. I am trying not to be too brutal and honest because it hits him so hard.

 

[wifehunter]

Maybe I got to admit defeat on this one and just let him do his thing. Hard to see him struggling so much and no matter what I say, nothing changes. Perhaps he's suppose to struggle in order to eventually learn and realise. Lack of experience will stay that until more is gained.

As true as it is, telling him that all he needs to do is forget her and start turning women on instead, won't make a difference because he just cannot move on.

How do I get him on the right path. I am trying not to be too brutal and honest because it hits him so hard.

He'll eventually get tired of hitting his head against the wall. Could take time, though. He'll need to find his own path, and it needs to be his idea to find it.

If he's THAT fragile to the truth, the road will be long and hard.

 

[MrWood]

he should have used Silence&Distance the minute she sent the text to "end" things
the reason she "ended" things was because 5-7 dates with no sexual tension, kiss or sex

 

[JohnnyBoi]

he should have used Silence&Distance the minute she sent the text to "end" things
the reason she "ended" things was because 5-7 dates with no sexual tension, kiss or sex

Sorry, I knew I would have missed important factors. He slept with her twice in that time but he has mentioned to me that he feels he under performed on one occasion. She was his first, that is what I meant to say when I said he told her her was a virgin. He said it because he was worried I think. They kissed on the first date. He did a lot right considering he has little experience but without that experience it was like walking on a tight rope with no training.

 

[JohnnyBoi]

He'll eventually get tired of hitting his head against the wall. Could take time, though. He'll need to find his own path, and it needs to be his idea to find it.

If he's THAT fragile to the truth, the road will be long and hard.

I think I can see this happening. He's beginning to talk about leaving that retail park to peruse his passion. I know one day I'll be able to look back on this with him and laugh with how he was but right now I just got to keep him from going to low.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

I agree with Wifehunter. You can't help someone until they are ready to make the moves to help themselves. You can certainly try to plant some seeds though.

First of all, people, have some compassion for this fellow.... he lost his v-card on her! That's really powerful. He's likely never going to get completely over her because of that. You might tell him that.

Different strokes for different folks but for me, having a bunch of sex with different women never allowed me to recover from getting dumped by a girl I was really into. The only thing that did work is to keep dating and know that eventually I'd meet someone I was into more than her, or as much as her. Once that happened, the pain of my ex went from a 9 to a 2. It's always going to be a 1 or a 2 since she was my first wife.

Try to ensure he is exercising - maybe help him with that - workout partner or whatever. Encourage him to get on one of the dating apps and start going on some dates.

Beyond pursuing his passion from a business perspective, try to get him to focus on his hobbies too, or anything that he can do that will make him feel accomplished. Feeling accomplished is the best way to rebuild your own sense of value. Even if it's something like detailing your car inside and out, or painting the walls of your bedroom etc.

 

[JohnnyBoi]

I agree with Wifehunter. You can't help someone until they are ready to make the moves to help themselves. You can certainly try to plant some seeds though.

First of all, people, have some compassion for this fellow.... he lost his v-card on her! That's really powerful. He's likely never going to get completely over her because of that. You might tell him that.

Different strokes for different folks but for me, having a bunch of sex with different women never allowed me to recover from getting dumped by a girl I was really into. The only thing that did work is to keep dating and know that eventually I'd meet someone I was into more than her, or as much as her. Once that happened, the pain of my ex went from a 9 to a 2. It's always going to be a 1 or a 2 since she was my first wife.

Try to ensure he is exercising - maybe help him with that - workout partner or whatever. Encourage him to get on one of the dating apps and start going on some dates.

Beyond pursuing his passion from a business perspective, try to get him to focus on his hobbies too, or anything that he can do that will make him feel accomplished. Feeling accomplished is the best way to rebuild your own sense of value. Even if it's something like detailing your car inside and out, or painting the walls of your bedroom etc.

Thanks oldmanofthesea!

This is a fantastic response. It reaffirms many things I was thinking myself. I need to understand the importance of the virginity thing because to some people that seems to matter more, maybe it is to do with the girl just as much as the losing. This isn't a guy who is going to get over her by dating but I do believe if another girl comes along, just as amazing as she appeared to him, then that will make the biggest difference. I know he will get there but I guess now is about limiting his struggle and helping him.

He's going to the gym and his main hobby is his life's passion, something to give him a lot of validation. He's said that when he is in that environment, it is the most normal he has felt since she ended things. So I am making moves to keep him active in that and encourage it. He's not ready to get back to dating, I think subconsciously he is extremely worried about this happening again, as that might confirm something to him. He beats himself up, so if it happens again, I think he will need serious help.

My main goal with him is just to deflect his thoughts when they keep going to 'I'm to blame' and to get him off that damn retail park where she works. I've been in a similar situation in the past and I removed myself from the environment and got focused on following a passion, it worked perfectly for me. He is looking to move abroad now, for his passion not because of her, which is great news.

Thanks for the advice oldmanofthesea. It's strange having to be there for someone, when I've had to go through it all myself in the past and I know the reasons and solutions. You can change yourself but changing someone else is a whole different game.