squirrels
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Apr 15, 2003
- Messages
- 6,628
- Reaction score
- 178
- Age
- 45
I was mulling this over today, while thinking about a woman I met. I had just managed to break myself free of one "one-itis" and, although my chances of ever hooking up with this new woman are slim (major age diff, plus she's married), I noticed that I was already starting to put her in the last girl's place. I wondered why, when it was quite obvious from the word-go that my main personal interest in this woman was a sexual attraction, nothing more.
I want some feedback on this idea. Shoot it down if you have to, it's the only way I'll learn.
I seem to remember in one of my psychology classes a particular experiment where scientists recruited two groups of people to perform a mundane task (turning spools over or something like that) for a long period of time. At the end of the experiment, half the people were given 1 dollar as compensation and half the people were given 20 dollars. Then both groups were asked to rate how much they enjoyed the boring task.
The results were that the people who received the meager compensation of $1 reported enjoying the task much more than the ones who were given $20.
The theory proposed to describe this behavior is that, initially, all of the subjects found the task extremely boring, but the group receiving $20 in compensation could justify doing the task for the money they received, so they were not afraid to admit boredom with it.
$1, however was not enough to compensate the members of the other group for the time they spent performing this task. This created a "cognitive dissonance" in these subjects. They had performed a task they hated for little compensation and felt a need to justify their actions, so they CONVINCED themselves that the task was more enjoyable than it was...they changed their perception of the task to account for the discrepancy between their feelings and their actions.
I think this is similar to what happens when "AFCs" become infatuated with a woman. Look at it this way: any man with a set of balls wants to have sex with women. On the other hand, many men are taught today that this desire is somehow "inappropriate" and that we should seek out "the one," the girl with everything we want, the one we want to marry.
Despite society's attempts to control the male sex drive, men still want to get laid. Inevitably, a man finds himself attracted to a woman. Maybe he has sex with her, maybe he just wants to.
But society has taught him that this is WRONG, and that he should not be attracted to a woman for solely sexual reasons. As a result, a cognitive dissonance develops. On one hand, the man desires this woman sexually or maybe even has sex with her. On the other hand, he denies and decries his sexual desires. He needs to make some excuse for his desires and actions.
So he changes his cognitive perception of this woman to something more in line with what is socially accepted. He makes himself believe that the woman he is drawn to sexually is "the one," that she has more to offer than she really does. He convinces himself that she is "perfect" and "pure" and puts her on a pedestal, thus justifying his desire for her.
The problem with this is twofold. One, excusing your sexual desire for a woman by making her out to be more than she is puts tremendous pressure on her while making YOU seem less masculine, thus "chasing her away."
The other part of the problem is that now that you have convinced yourself that this woman is "perfect," you can never truly be happy with her anyway. To be with her is to be unable to deny her flaws, which you have convinced yourself she does not have. It breaks down the very premise you have used to justify being with her.
Many of the ASF and PUA websites put forth the same primary attitude needed to be successful for women: making no excuses for your desires as a man. There's nothing wrong with being sexually drawn to a woman, and you have to respect and be confident with that part of yourself.
The trap that AFCs fall into is that they try to excuse and justify something that really needs no justification. They end up tweaking their reality to suit society's impression of them, rather than being confident of who they are and taking charge of their OWN lives and reality.
In essence, infatuation and, to an extent, "one-ism" is a result of being uncomfortable with yourself and your sexual desires. So the moral of the story: be comfortable and confident with your sexuality and your desires as a man.
I want some feedback on this idea. Shoot it down if you have to, it's the only way I'll learn.
I seem to remember in one of my psychology classes a particular experiment where scientists recruited two groups of people to perform a mundane task (turning spools over or something like that) for a long period of time. At the end of the experiment, half the people were given 1 dollar as compensation and half the people were given 20 dollars. Then both groups were asked to rate how much they enjoyed the boring task.
The results were that the people who received the meager compensation of $1 reported enjoying the task much more than the ones who were given $20.
The theory proposed to describe this behavior is that, initially, all of the subjects found the task extremely boring, but the group receiving $20 in compensation could justify doing the task for the money they received, so they were not afraid to admit boredom with it.
$1, however was not enough to compensate the members of the other group for the time they spent performing this task. This created a "cognitive dissonance" in these subjects. They had performed a task they hated for little compensation and felt a need to justify their actions, so they CONVINCED themselves that the task was more enjoyable than it was...they changed their perception of the task to account for the discrepancy between their feelings and their actions.
I think this is similar to what happens when "AFCs" become infatuated with a woman. Look at it this way: any man with a set of balls wants to have sex with women. On the other hand, many men are taught today that this desire is somehow "inappropriate" and that we should seek out "the one," the girl with everything we want, the one we want to marry.
Despite society's attempts to control the male sex drive, men still want to get laid. Inevitably, a man finds himself attracted to a woman. Maybe he has sex with her, maybe he just wants to.
But society has taught him that this is WRONG, and that he should not be attracted to a woman for solely sexual reasons. As a result, a cognitive dissonance develops. On one hand, the man desires this woman sexually or maybe even has sex with her. On the other hand, he denies and decries his sexual desires. He needs to make some excuse for his desires and actions.
So he changes his cognitive perception of this woman to something more in line with what is socially accepted. He makes himself believe that the woman he is drawn to sexually is "the one," that she has more to offer than she really does. He convinces himself that she is "perfect" and "pure" and puts her on a pedestal, thus justifying his desire for her.
The problem with this is twofold. One, excusing your sexual desire for a woman by making her out to be more than she is puts tremendous pressure on her while making YOU seem less masculine, thus "chasing her away."
The other part of the problem is that now that you have convinced yourself that this woman is "perfect," you can never truly be happy with her anyway. To be with her is to be unable to deny her flaws, which you have convinced yourself she does not have. It breaks down the very premise you have used to justify being with her.
Many of the ASF and PUA websites put forth the same primary attitude needed to be successful for women: making no excuses for your desires as a man. There's nothing wrong with being sexually drawn to a woman, and you have to respect and be confident with that part of yourself.
The trap that AFCs fall into is that they try to excuse and justify something that really needs no justification. They end up tweaking their reality to suit society's impression of them, rather than being confident of who they are and taking charge of their OWN lives and reality.
In essence, infatuation and, to an extent, "one-ism" is a result of being uncomfortable with yourself and your sexual desires. So the moral of the story: be comfortable and confident with your sexuality and your desires as a man.
