resilient
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2005
- Messages
- 1,636
- Reaction score
- 1,366
After struggling with a main plate lately, I took a cold hard look at how I seemingly attract the same type of woman again and again. Emotionally detached. Attention starved... heavy social media use (snapchat, instagram, whatsapp, and facebook). Really into looks and needs to be validated for dressing up and putting on all the make up. Different face, yet the relationship usually follows the same pattern.
I do my best to keep it light and fun for the early dates. They pursue equally, I respond and set up a date. Wash, rinse, and repeat until I can back off a little.
Then the honeymood period starts to wear off.
At this point the casual relationship becomes a go or no go state.
The tests begin, drifting interest... the rapid text response times drift into hours later or not at all. I don't handle this paradigm shift well (codependency rears its ugly head and she loses attraction), so I'll reach out more, flirt heavily more, or ask her on more dates to continue the good times.
I've done well to spin other plates beyond the main plate so I don't catch too many feels. The struggle is all the work to get a woman out on a date, I don't get a good vibe or interest on her part to be excited about a second date (hasn't happened much this summer).
If I like everything I've got physically so far and my general time on the date with the main plate vs. other plates, I'll still feel affected when she pulls back or loses interest. I want things to go back to way they were. They don't. It's too late. I caught feels and she suspects it subconsciously even if I don't say it.
I've tried different tactics to regain attraction. I match her attention frequency. She text short responses, I respond with short responses. She cuts off goodnight/good morning text, I do the same. I haven't figured out how to cut my losses and will usually start making sabotaging moves that make it easier for her to drop me, flake, or give me excuses of why she's not ready to date (i.e. separation/divorce, not over an ex, etc.). All of that can be chalked up to low-interest.
I've gotten better about not asking for exclusivity anymore, calling her LTR names like "honey, babe, baby, etc." and opt for "sexy, cutie" or some other name when talking to her in a flirty way. I keep that word "love" way away until I hear it from her first.
Long and short of all this, I'm trying to be a better DJ everyday and the ugly AFC days still seem to haunt me. Despite putting all the effort into plate spinning... the quality of plates I'm getting are bad or damaged from divorce or dudes that left them from their HSL.
Wasn't it guru said something along the lines... "become the best man she can get and her hypergamy (and games) behavior will drop"?
I've listened to the ebook Codependent No More last and this week. I did the exercises to work on learning detachment and acceptance to learn to love myself first. Vocalize when my needs and wants aren't being met instead of hyperfocusing on meeting her needs. I'm trying to undo 37 years of codependency, it's much harder than I thought it would be. I started seeing a lifecoach to work on myself and taking care of my own well-being first.
Perhaps another monk mode be necessary to fix these serious inner game issues that keep creeping up 2 months into an early relationship.
TLDR - If anyone has any tips on how they cured their codependence I'm all ears. I want to become a better well-adjusted man and live with a stronger frame that isn't partial to the whims of declining interest level.
I do my best to keep it light and fun for the early dates. They pursue equally, I respond and set up a date. Wash, rinse, and repeat until I can back off a little.
Then the honeymood period starts to wear off.
At this point the casual relationship becomes a go or no go state.
The tests begin, drifting interest... the rapid text response times drift into hours later or not at all. I don't handle this paradigm shift well (codependency rears its ugly head and she loses attraction), so I'll reach out more, flirt heavily more, or ask her on more dates to continue the good times.
I've done well to spin other plates beyond the main plate so I don't catch too many feels. The struggle is all the work to get a woman out on a date, I don't get a good vibe or interest on her part to be excited about a second date (hasn't happened much this summer).
If I like everything I've got physically so far and my general time on the date with the main plate vs. other plates, I'll still feel affected when she pulls back or loses interest. I want things to go back to way they were. They don't. It's too late. I caught feels and she suspects it subconsciously even if I don't say it.
I've tried different tactics to regain attraction. I match her attention frequency. She text short responses, I respond with short responses. She cuts off goodnight/good morning text, I do the same. I haven't figured out how to cut my losses and will usually start making sabotaging moves that make it easier for her to drop me, flake, or give me excuses of why she's not ready to date (i.e. separation/divorce, not over an ex, etc.). All of that can be chalked up to low-interest.
I've gotten better about not asking for exclusivity anymore, calling her LTR names like "honey, babe, baby, etc." and opt for "sexy, cutie" or some other name when talking to her in a flirty way. I keep that word "love" way away until I hear it from her first.
Long and short of all this, I'm trying to be a better DJ everyday and the ugly AFC days still seem to haunt me. Despite putting all the effort into plate spinning... the quality of plates I'm getting are bad or damaged from divorce or dudes that left them from their HSL.
Wasn't it guru said something along the lines... "become the best man she can get and her hypergamy (and games) behavior will drop"?
I've listened to the ebook Codependent No More last and this week. I did the exercises to work on learning detachment and acceptance to learn to love myself first. Vocalize when my needs and wants aren't being met instead of hyperfocusing on meeting her needs. I'm trying to undo 37 years of codependency, it's much harder than I thought it would be. I started seeing a lifecoach to work on myself and taking care of my own well-being first.
Perhaps another monk mode be necessary to fix these serious inner game issues that keep creeping up 2 months into an early relationship.
TLDR - If anyone has any tips on how they cured their codependence I'm all ears. I want to become a better well-adjusted man and live with a stronger frame that isn't partial to the whims of declining interest level.
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