Christmas Dinner or Not?

[Desdinova]

So I've been dating this girl for over a month now. It's been going really well. We're not "official" yet, but she's let me know that she's been developing feelings for me.

Anyway, she's been chatting with her mom about me. How much and about what, I have no clue. Regardless, she told me that her mom has invited me over for Christmas dinner. She said, "Not sure how you feel about that, not sure how I feel about it".

All I responded with was "That was nice of her" and that was pretty much the last thing I told her.

So I've been trying to figure out what I should do here. I have no problem building up to a LTR with this girl. The way I see it, if she was really opposed to me being there for Christmas dinner, she would have told her mom 'it's too early' and wouldn't have mentioned anything to me. I'm almost guessing she actually does want me there.

Any thoughts on this?

 

[zekko]

I don't see what the harm is, and free food is always a plus

The only thing I can't figure out is why she is being so vague about it. Why can't she just say straight up that she wants you to go? Maybe she's trying not to scare you off?

Let me also say that this is a good time to scope out her familly and their traditions. I've known a few girlfriends' families who only served like meat trays on holidays, or somesuch. It's always better when they go all out with the more traditional holiday spreads.

 

[Styr]

The obvious thing would be to assume that she wants you to decide whether to go or not. After all, that is what a man should do. Decide and take charge.

 

[Desdinova]

The only thing I can't figure out is why she is being so vague about it. Why can't she just say straight up that she wants you to go? Maybe she's trying not to scare you off?

She's been pulling back on her feelings toward me since the beginning. I've noticed it quite a few times, and I'm pretty sure that's the reason why.

....and then I go making her feelings more intense by not responding

 

[Slickster]

If she wants to make her own head spin thinking about the connotations of having you over to meet her parents for xmas dinner then let her spin.

Don't make a big deal out of the meeting the parents thing.

Just go have a good time.

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

Me: why'd you tell me if you're not sure about it?
Her: I don't know...blah blah
Me: That's strange
Her: Why?
Me: I'm getting a phone call, let me call you back.

Fvck that $hit. This chick's either insecure or she's playing games. Or she can't make up a decision to save her life so she's leaving it up to you to take the lead.

This is the same one from that other thread I'm assuming. This kind of crap drives me nuts.

If you really like this chick then I'd figure this out pronto. You're not the guy who's going to wait around until the last minute to see if you're officially invited over, ecspecially for Christmas. If she keeps stalling then just say: "tell your mom thanks but I have other plans." Might be a big relief for both of you.

 

[Zunder]

How old is she?

 

[Desdinova]

She's 26.

 

[The Duke]

A month into a relationship is way too early for this kind of thing. You are still in the honeymoon phase and don't even know each other very well yet. Make this girl earn it, don't just hand it over at the 1month mark. She'll have you shopping for wedding rings at the 3month mark the way you are going.

 

[Desdinova]

She asked me again today if I had made up my mind. So I said that I'd go. She obviously wants me to. Anyway, she's going back to her folks place (out of town) for a week afterwards, so it'll give her and mom something to yap about for the week.

Not to barge on your personal situations, but don't you have family to spend the holidays with?

Actually, I don't. The only one I have to spend Christmas with is my son, and he's not going to be with me until Christmas day. Most of the families of the girls I've dated seem to take pity on my situation and extend the invitation. I've accepted before, even when I've barely known the girl, and I've never had a problem.

Be prepared for lots of questions and judgement. How old are you? What do you do for a living? How long have you known my daughter? Where did you go to school? Where did you grow up? <------ all with the intention of seeing if you're good enough for their daughter, and ultimately if you plan on sticking around.

It's all fine by me. I'm adaptable with people (which I have to be in my line of work) and I generally don't cause people to be wary of me. I just need to go in there with some confidence under my belt, intending on a successful evening of meeting new people.

 

[abe0]

Jesus....its too early...blablabla....Just go ..have a nice time. She actually thinks about you enough to tell her parents. Her mom probably said...why don't you ask him over...blablabla. Just go...do not overthink about this too much...and have a good time. Why do we always have to over read and over complicate things around here so much....She sounds like a nice gal ...GO! You can play your little games at another time...its Christmas....get into the spirit of it! Abe

 

[pdx1138]

^^ haha. this.

 

[Married Buried]

Jesus....its too early...blablabla....Just go ..have a nice time. She actually thinks about you enough to tell her parents. Her mom probably said...why don't you ask him over...blablabla. Just go...do not overthink about this too much...and have a good time. Why do we always have to over read and over complicate things around here so much....She sounds like a nice gal ...GO! You can play your little games at another time...its Christmas....get into the spirit of it! Abe

Yeah I agree, it's a dinner. As long as you can function and make conversation it's not a bad gig. You don't want to be slurring your speech and stumbling around like a crack head. That would be bad.

 

[abe0]

Desdinova....I do not know about bringing flowers to her mom. I think if they are the type of people who drink wine at the dinner table I would bring a bottle of wine in a Christmas bag or something that everyone can share. I think the flowers to her mom for a girl you have only know so briefly might be a little too much. IMHO Abe0

 

[Desdinova]

As far as the gift goes... They apparently have one for me, and I don't have to worry about getting one for them. My date already has that covered.

It should be fun. They're the same heritage as me, so I shouldn't have any problem getting along with them.

 

[amoka]

Des, even though your date is getting gifts for them on your behalf, I would take others advice by bringing something simple such as wine or floor for the lady of the house.

 

[Die Hard]

Don't let yourself get carried away, Des.

How much you allow yourself to get carried away with a girl, should depend on the level of qualification that has taken place so far. And one month of dating is certainly not enough qualification to allow yourself to get carried away with thoughts of an LTR, man...

Ask yourself why you started this thread. You know it's not really about the dinner, rather it's about the implications behind that dinner. If you admit that you want to be there and she admits that she wants you to be there, then you guys admit that you want to be serious/get into an LTR. The fact that she stayed vague about what she wants, bugs you. You want to hear her say that she likes you to come over. But she didn't, so you start this thread and hope for us to confirm that her starting that conversation in the first place is prove enough that she wants you to come (thus, that she wants to be serious/get into an LTR).

I'm sensing too much outcome dependency from you, my friend...


Does a man tell a woman he loves her first or does he wait for her to say it first? Does a man jump through a woman's hoops or does he make her jump through his hoops? Is a man in control of the relationship when he's the one who cares most or is he in control of the relationship when he's the one who cares least?

You know how it works, Des. But here we are, SHE wouldn't admit that she wanted you to come over and made YOU say it first, to which you caved. You behaved like a good pet animal, jumping though her hoop, like she wanted you to. Handing the frame over to her, like she wanted you to.

You are losing the game right now. You're allowing yourself to get carried away with thoughts of an LTR too soon and you're surrendering the frame. It's a slippery slope, you best get yourself in check before it's too late...

Furthermore, I believe the way she handled this situation is a red flag. It reeks of commitment issues and an inability to form healthy relationships. I'm picking up a bad vibe from that specific line "Not sure how you feel about that, not sure how I feel about it" (I'm sure the guys on here with much BPD experience will agree). All the more reason not to get too carried away here, Des. Focus on doing more qualification! (I'm sure the dinner will provide lots of opportunity for that )

 

[VladPatton]

It's a little early, but since you have no family to do your own thing with, it's the next best thing. Just don't loose site that she is a fresh plate and that this Xmas dinner does NOT cement your bond with her. Keep in mind that you can still walk at any time. Until then, have fun, don't over think it and see what happens. Bring a bottle of wine.

 

[Desdinova]

You want to hear her say that she likes you to come over. But she didn't, so you start this thread and hope for us to confirm that her starting that conversation in the first place is prove enough that she wants you to come (thus, that she wants to be serious/get into an LTR).

That's not really the reason why I started it. I was getting mixed signals about the invite and really just wanted to be sure I was reading the situation correctly. When I told her that I would go, she validated that my analysis correct with her response.

I'm sensing too much outcome dependency from you, my friend...

Not really sure why you're sensing that. I felt like it was a bit early to be meeting the parents, but that's her prerogative. I certainly have no plans to invite her over to my parents' place anytime soon. I'm avoiding pushing for anything with this chick.

SHE wouldn't admit that she wanted you to come over and made YOU say it first, to which you caved. You behaved like a good pet animal, jumping though her hoop, like she wanted you to. Handing the frame over to her, like she wanted you to.

I honestly think you're the one who's over-analyzing this whole situation. If she had asked me to give her $20 or something, I could see your point. But this was just an invite to dinner. They committed themselves to feeding me and ultimately getting me a gift (and also giving one on my behalf). I didn't have to do 5hit. She did it all. She got me a small gift based on an inside joke that took place between us. She fetches me water every time I'm done banging her. She collects the rubber and throws it in the trash. She's done my dishes TWICE. Where in hell am I jumping through her hoops?

Women speak to each other with all these subtle hints, and they're always trying to read into what hints the men may be giving away. That's just how they function. This one was just a bit tricky to read.

Anyway, she thanked me for coming to the dinner. I almost have a feeling she brought me over there to get approval from her parents. She told me that she values their opinion on the men she dates.

It's all fine by me. I'm still emotionally detached enough to move on if she suddenly bails, but I can't see her doing that. If anything, she seems to be getting herself emotionally invested, and given that I haven't really seen any red flags as of yet, I'm not deeming that as a bad thing.

 

[backbreaker]

I'm seriously convinced.. someone ought to try this lol, that I could make a post that says


"this girl offered to give me a 24 hour straight blow job, after which she will cook a 3 course meal of my choosing and give me a back massage while I watch a breaking bad marathon"

and someone would find something wrong with the situation by overgeneralizing it