Chicks that tell you everything about ex's and their past

[stormwriter]

The last few women i have been interested in have felt the need to dump everything on me about their past boyfriends, breakups, how many times he cheated, the drugs he dealed, that he was REALLY good looking, etc. Also, they tell me very private stuff about their life, like they are bulimic, have kidney disease, were adopted, gave a kid up for adoption, miscarriages, etc. Also, they tell me things like they smoke pot sometimes to fall asleep, they have been called "hypochondriacs" by family and friends, and they've banged guys sooner than they should, or banged a guy regularly just for the sex.
(yes, all that stuff from just four women, and there's even more....) (i know, i know, they don't sound like good catches anyways! haha)

I REALLY do appreciate their honesty and openness. That is cool. It's also a good thing that i can determine whether they are the girl for me or not, based on all these potential red flags.

I am very easy to talk to, so women feel comfortable talking to me.
However, in three of the four women involved, their Interest Level died VERY quickly after they divulged all this private stuff to me.

My question is this: After they tell me all this stuff, do they think, "ah crap, i shouldn't have told him this stuff. I better split so i don't have to face him anymore, now that he's knows how messed up i am..."

OR

"This guy is in the friendzone, so i might as well tell him this crap - i will never date him anyways..."

OR

"Oh crap, why did i tell him that stuff? He totally thinks i'm a loser psycho with issues. I'm not good enough for him. I'm going to swallow my pride and let him go."

????

I would think them divulging this stuff is a POSITIVE indication that they dig me, but then again, a few days later they disappear, or dust me.

Should i just derail their train once they start dumping on me? Or just listen, don't talk, and change subject?

 

[Sexy_Malibu]

I'd say these chicks are either nuts, needy, or attention *****s.

 

[TesuqueRed]

Originally posted by stormwriter

This post reminds me of a certain poster's past, and is kinda painful to reply to...so here goes:

The last few women i have been interested in have felt the need to dump everything on me about their past boyfriends, breakups, how many times he cheated, the drugs he dealed, that he was REALLY good looking, etc. Also, they tell me very private stuff about their life, like they are bulimic, have kidney disease, were adopted, gave a kid up for adoption, miscarriages, etc. Also, they tell me things like they smoke pot sometimes to fall asleep, they have been called "hypochondriacs" by family and friends, and they've banged guys sooner than they should, or banged a guy regularly just for the sex.

You're an emotional tampon, as we say here...something in you makes the above natural for them to do. Yes--it's your fault.

I REALLY do appreciate their honesty and openness. That is cool.

Even if it means you're the local, default emotional tampon--???

It's also a good thing that i can determine whether they are the girl for me or not, based on all these potential red flags.

In every case I can see, it means "no".

I am very easy to talk to, so women feel comfortable talking to me.

Emotional tampon. You want them to feel excited to talk to you, nervous, and on their best behavior.

However, in three of the four women involved, their Interest Level died VERY quickly after they divulged all this private stuff to me.

Naturally.

My question is this: After they tell me all this stuff, do they think, "ah crap, i shouldn't have told him this stuff. I better split so i don't have to face him anymore, now that he's knows how messed up i am..." Yes.

OR

"This guy is in the friendzone, so i might as well tell him this crap - i will never date him anyways..."

BINGO!!! YES!!

OR

"Oh crap, why did i tell him that stuff? He totally thinks i'm a loser psycho with issues. I'm not good enough for him. I'm going to swallow my pride and let him go."

Probably not--she felt TOO comfortable telling you this stuff. She doesn't quite look down on you, but she sees you as not a threat, not a real man, not a romantic or sexual option--you are in LJBF land, or nearly gay, or a-sexual, or like a brother--but not a real guy. I mean, a real guy who could do her.

????

Your confusion is perfectly understandable. Been there.

I would think them divulging this stuff is a POSITIVE indication that they dig me, but then again, a few days later they disappear, or dust me.

This is a CLASSIC outlook evidencing AFCness.

Should i just derail their train once they start dumping on me? Or just listen, don't talk, and change subject?

Um...yes. For a start, at least. What you really want to do is change whatever it is about you that puts them at ease and sees you as one of her GFs (with an inoperative dyck) in the first place. This type of change goes kinda deep, but derailing the emotional-tampon pattern is a start.

 

[Ronin I]

I agree with just about 100% of what Tesuque said in his post (blunt as he may be).

But, there are always exceptions to the rule - I had a girl that I met off Match a couple of months ago that fit the descriptions of the girls you describe above very well - we met out went and grabbed a bite to eat (she paid ) - and had drinks afterwards. In that time she told me that she smokes pot regularly (and even right before we met up b/c she was nervous), a whole bunch of other disturbing crap about her family (dont remember details), and then towards the end of the night exhibited serious low-self-esteem behavior (kept saying that I wasnt going to call her, etc).

Despite all of this she was all over me at the end of the night and invited me into her house multiple times (I declined) - I did give her a nice goodnight kiss on her doorstep (while my car was still running) and then headed back out to the bar to find another.

Anyway - I think the main difference between mine and your situations is that when she was telling me this crap I was busting on her / teasing her. I kept calling her a "pothead" all night, and just teased her for all the crap she was telling me. I think SOMETIMES people can blab unflattering stuff about themselves because they cant think of anything else to talk about.

BUT - think of it this way - if you were really attracted to someone and wanted to make a good impression would you divulge every freakin' skeleton in your closet? HELL NO!

I know personally I used to bust out a lot of self-depricating humor on dates with women (I would make fun of myself for my shortcomings, etc.) I used to think that this made me come off as secure with myself (you have to be able to laugh at yourself right?) which I am. But I have since learned better. I have learned that I should be making fun of them not myself .

Anyway, try not to sit there and listen like the nice-guy therapist next time. You don't need to be an a$$hole either - but the next time a girl tells you she has bulimia maybe give her a quick wide-eyed look (that subtly says "wow, that's kinda fvcked up." You need to convey that you are sizing her up - I hate to say it but ou kind of have to make them feel a little uncomfortable because for whatever reason these broads are just WAAAAAYYYY too comfortable telling you all their problems.

 

[Walden]

Man they could just be cool chicks being honest with you. Not everything women do is because women are all psychoes (although a lot of it is )

 

[Frosty]

Yes, T Red is 100% on point.
I agree with his complete assessment.
There are exceptions but they are so infrequent and you should ignore them.

 

[TesuqueRed]

Originally posted by Ronin I
...I know personally I used to bust out a lot of self-depricating humor on dates with women (I would make fun of myself for my shortcomings, etc.) I used to think that this made me come off as secure with myself (you have to be able to laugh at yourself right?) which I am. But I have since learned better. I have learned that I should be making fun of them not myself .
....

Took me awhile to learn this particular point...

 

[TesuqueRed]

Ronin's comment about bluntness got me thinking, too.

I wondered about what it was about Storm's post that prompted a rather blunt post. It was late when I posted, but that's no excuse. It usually is when I post.

I think it was because I could've written Storm's post, word for word, 10 years ago. (I said it was a painful read...) And wrote it in much the same phrasing, too.

So answering it got me to fall into how I get inside when faced with the same women and situations today: I go blunt and business like, I don't go all warm and friendly like anymore. If it's at work, I politely listen a moment and then let the nearest female take lead on listening and commisserating while I turn---turning away is important---and do something focused and productive at work.

I'll overhear what they say, it's usually interesting!

But I don't jump in with advice except for a few, well chosen, cryptic comments--or questions, really, usually pointing out some inconsistency in their expectations and behavior. This is for my amusement, really. I like that moment where they are confronted with their own inconsistency with what they say vs what they do and see how they deal with it---usually they realize it's an inconsistency and proceed on anyway---further evidence they are emotional creatures, not logical---again, all for my momentary amusement.

But I don't participate. In my mind, somewhere once, I asked the exact same questions as Storm---a dozen times too many, actually, and got pissed (hense, the bluntness) and refused to play anymore.

Another reason I don't jump in with advise is that I've probably heard the same dilemmas again and again and again from a dozen different women. It remains interesting! But I am under no illusion that giviing advice or even actively listening will accomplish anything. It won't.

I turn away, I don't play. They pick up on this in 5 seconds and turn to their girlfriend sitting next to them, like they should.

Storm's post has all the classic points on the emotional tampon angle and should probably be saved somewhere.

 

[Starman]

yup Tesque has it right on..

Ive too been in this position many times..while I was trying to be a compassionate, caring, true listener(reading too many relationship advice columns from women..thinking this is what women want)..I found myself later listening to grueling details of said girls b1tching about all the guys they had crushes on WTF??

but there are wayy too many mechanisms going on to be sure that women lose interest as soon as you start acting like there therapist..

i.e. WHY cant it be a possibility that women think.."I have told him all this crap about me..and he is STILL interested??? Maybe there is something wrong with him that he would still want to be with me after knowing what a piece of trash I really am???"

I dont think listening to a woman makes you less of a "man"..but you need to draw the line somewhere to let her know her crappy life isnt impressing you (i,.e. bust on her, tease her..make weird faces when she tells you her stories)

Let her KNOW you dont accept her as a person no matter WHAT she tells you..Let her know you are always forming judgements of her..especially negative ones

I think once a chick decides you accept her for who she is no matter WHAT..thats when she bolts...too easy, no challenge, no standards or being "picky"

 

[ZeeOwl]

I've been in this exact same situation with a woman a few years ago. My angle on this "type" is:

A) She's really messed up, and desperate for a sympathetic ear.

B) She's testing you to see how "understanding" (read wussy and desperate) you are.

Probably a combination of both. If you're interested in her anyways, proceed with extreme caution as you can get burned big time. There is no way this is going to turn into an easy, always fun, happily ever after relationship. Enter at your own risk. Don't let her turn you into her emotional tampon. You've got to draw the line somewhere. If she goes overboard, subltly suggest therapy. I speak from experience.

Originally posted by Starman
I think once a chick decides you accept her for who she is no matter WHAT..thats when she bolts...too easy, no challenge, no standards or being "picky"

I 100% agree with this. I'm convinced that's exactly what I did wrong when I found myself in this situation.

 

[DJ_Dork]

You're basically going out with an attention ***** (most girls are like that in one way or another) - I'm with one too and she does the same **** with me. Sometimes it bugs me but it helps me understand what stuff she likes/doesn't like. She doesn't do it to offend me completely (maybe 50/50) - Since she talks like that I talk about my past sexual experiences too - even exchange..

 

[seulaxplaya]

posts way to long

yeah uh all the replies and posts were too long so i didnt bother reading them. but the reason that i believe that women tell u their pasts is so that u dont make the same mistakes. they want to tell u where they are coming from and how they will re-act and their experience. when listening take mental notes. then bring it up later on in the relationship. major browie points. example. she told u from the get go that her bf cheated on her always. one way to re assure her something is when shes doubting u just be like. "i like u more then anything and althought u were hurt by john dough id never cheat on you." something like that. and whatever u do if u have to talk about your ex's never ever talk bad even if they were horrible gf's. almost talk them up. this will reassure her that when u two are over u wont talk bad about her. viola.

 

[Player_Supreme]

Good let em tell me everything. It give me the blueprint on how she needs to really be treated. Saves me the trouble of digging this info out!

 

[myfriendblu]

Tesque Red is right on the money. Exactly. Don't fret storm, its all a nexting process. Just move on.

 

[Matt ala Casanova]

Never open the pandora's box of ones' past! You will regret it, in fact make it a note to tell her to never ask you and you never ask her!!

M.A.C.

 

[Reto]

I have one of those personalities too where women just "open up".

After LJBF's for the 10th time, when a chick starts talking to me about ex-'s, I draw the line. I don't talk about my ex's. It's none of her business. When I have, I never hear the end of it. Other stuff, like her past experiences, ie drugs, partying, etc, is just personal small talk...

My current girl says I know her better than any other guy she's ever dated. It's because I listen...

I don't disagree with any of the above. Except that she's an attention *****. My definition of an attention ***** is some one who seeks attention from any and every guy. Not her boyfriend...Hopefully she already has that...

It's up to you how much you want to hear/know...

 

[hitop]

I don't necessarily agree that because she talks about ex BF's and the like would indicate that you are AFC. I think it's a big indicator that you're on a date with an a$$hole. It is rude to talk about your past romantic episodes while on a date or otherwise to make comment about a good looking guy you just saw or how good looking a guy was that you previously dated.

They talk about this cr@p in front of you because I believe that it could be any guy that this happens to, AFC or not. A$$holes don't care. It all comes down to how you handle the situation which makes you AFC or not. If someone pulls cr@p like that, I'm like, ok it's cool I need to head in early tonite cuz I feel a headache coming on, bye bye a$$hole.

 

[NMMWCR]

Tesque called it.

You are a tampon.

I've been there too and Tesque is right, it hurts like hell to read that and remember our own past. It isn't all bad news though. Women can see your sensitivity, thoughtfulness, and lack of judgement, which is why they open up. What they can't see is that you are a guy who "gets it" and that they should be giving it up instead of bleeding all over you like one of their girlfriends. Once you learn to project a sense of knowing the score and confidence, you'll be one of those rare DJ's who can seduce women on multiple fronts, most importantly by knowing her mind.

It's a fine line. You'll have to learn to turn "sensitive" into "patient", "caring" into "passionate", and "intelligent" into "saavy." They may seem like the same thing to you now but to women the subtle difference is the same as night and day.

Some tips:

Be in control.

Don't offer advice. Touch them gently, say "I understand", and get your game back on.

Don't try to impress them with your depth of character by relaying a similar incident from your own life. Give and take is death here. If you treat her like a friend, it becomes easy for her to LJBF you. Make it uncomfortable for her to move out of your seduction zone.

Don't respond emotionally. Emotion is her domain.

If she plays the LJBF card, tell her "no." If that is a problem for her, get up and leave immediately telling her that you'll call her. Do NOT discuss it.