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Change of mindset

HiTtc

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Been reading this forum for a while, but recent events decided me to join and ask for advice. I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

Currently 31, have had three girlfriends in my life, but single for over 5 years now. Looks wise I think I'm ok, I've gotten good remarks and recently had some girl gave me her phone number without saying or asking anything. She was like only a 6,5 though, never did anything with it though. I workout and although it could be better, I think I look ok. Two things that keep going on in my mind is the fact I am completely gray and I'm only 5"8. It affects my mental well being a lot.

The reason I join is because I can not conquer my own mind. I tend to let external events affect my mood. For example: I've been texting this girl, she's very cute, when she texts me or says something nice, I feel on top of the world. This feeling only lasts for like 10-30 minutes. After that I start to feel worse again. Then she texts again and all is good for a while. If I see her in real life and see her talkin to another guy,
I feel like ****. If I caught her looking, it's good for a few minutes. If she doesn't text for a day, I tend to think I just suck and I've ruined it somehow, that she'll never want me. Other examples: when people are having a good time without me, I feel bad and sadly when people
(who I envy or hate) have some bad luck, I feel better as well.

I can not feel good just by myself.

I know I need to change my mindset, but I don't know how. I've recently started to do some extreme sports, drive with my car on circuits and workout even harder. Although I all love it, I still come home and feel the same useless loser. Then something happens, I feel good (or even much worse) for a while and it's all over again. I know it's impossible to keep riding "a high" constantly, but I'm fed up with my lows, I know it's not worth it to feel like this. Unfortunately so many external events have pushed me into this.
 

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Atom Smasher

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I think that this issue goes deeper than we can help you with here. You’re deriving 100% of your worth from acceptance by this girl, and by other external factors. I used to be in the same boat.

This stuff runs deep. Have you considered counseling? There is a form of therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which is less about telling some guy about your childhood for years on end, and more about how to talk to yourself situationally and how to change your core beliefs.
 

samspade

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Have you created a purpose for your life?

A man who is driven toward his goals and purpose is generally less influenced by the attention of others.

Read here. Although you may not have Oneitis for a specific girl, you have a type of Oneitis because you are basing your moods on the actions of others.
 

Kotaix

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I've made a lot of progress addressing what you're describing, and I've been exactly where you are. Your problem (and my problem) is that you waste way too much of your energy thinking about things that don't matter or that you can't control.

1. Realize that everything is always changing, take this fully to heart. Nothing is constant, so it doesn't do you any good to think about what-ifs because there are infinite variables and you can't know them all, not to mention all these infinite variables are in constant change themselves. You can overthink something all you want, but when the the rubber hits the road, you have to drive the road as you see it, not as you imagined it was going to be. This is the way.

2. Realize that you will never be able to conquer/control your mind. It's not possible. Your thoughts will come to you whether you like it or not, how you react to those thoughts is the only thing over which you have any control. You'll feel up, and you'll feel down, but when you do feel down, see 1. When you stop obsessing over the fact that you feel down, you won't feel as down. Learn to let it go.

Own your flaws. I'm 5'7" and I no longer have all my hair, but so the fvck what. I can't control it, so why worry about it. I've had women lift my hair to see where my hairline is and I just let them do it and smiled at them when they were done. I'm way more successful with women now than I ever was when I had more hair.

Given your current mindset, when a woman gives you her number, you take it and you call her. Even if she's not cute. If she thinks you're hot, you'll learn more about confidence from her than anything you can read or practice. Be careful that she's not crazy though, that's where the red pill comes into play.
 
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HiTtc

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Thanks for your answers.

Yeah I think I need help, I believe I'm depressed and it's only getting worse. Strange thing is that I was kind of fine before I met this chick, but since she started texting me this much, it's gotten worse. My mind is constantly racing: "What would her next text be like, thank god it's via text so I can think about my response for a couple of minutes, why hasn't she texted me today". And there's always that feeling "what if it doesn't work out, it would just reinforce my feeling of being worthless". And to be honest, she suddenly stopped texting me since this weekend and yeah I realize it's because she lost interest, but not even a response to my last text although everything was perfectly fine before that.

Have you created a purpose for your life?
I have a great career which earns me quite a decent amount of money. I go to the gym a lot and last weekend, when going out, some strangers complimented me on that. Apparantly one of those strangers (who was a girl), told a friend of mine "damn I wish I had a muscular guy like that in my bedroom". She turned towards me and asked me to flex my muscles, I did but just shrugged it off and said "ah it could be better", after that I turned back to my friends and she left.

I tell this just to show how ****ing afraid I am. I probably could have had a simple kiss out of it, but my mind was still "well she talked to my friend first and not me, so she might like the muscles, but not my face and character/body language, but yeah what do you expect since you're short and your hair is completely gray. And what would I say to her, I need to say something cool and funny and not something boring, ah screw it, let me just get back to my friends".

I saw pictures of myself from this weekend out with my friends and realized my hair is my biggest thing holding me back and then my height. Dying my hair again would be so weird at this moment as I've been going like this for over a couple of years. And although I've gotten compliments on my looks, when I see my face in pictures, I categorize myself as a 4, perhaps a 5 in a good picture.

For the other part, I don't really have a purpose as I don't really know what this means. I could get other hobbies yeah and get even better in the gym, or learn a new language, but I don't feel that would be my life purpose. If I would love to have one thing, it is to be successfull with girls. For example, I've been on trips with friends and at some places I always thought "I want to come back here with a girl I truly like and enjoy the moment". But yeah, is that a purpose?

You're right I should have just texted her to see where it would go, but this fear of messing even a thing like this up is so deep in my mind. I sat down for several nights thinking where it would come from and I can't figure it out. The only thing that might be it, is the fact that I've had so little experiences with girls that I need every experience that comes my way, to be a good one.
 

samspade

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For the other part, I don't really have a purpose as I don't really know what this means. I could get other hobbies yeah and get even better in the gym, or learn a new language, but I don't feel that would be my life purpose. If I would love to have one thing, it is to be successfull with girls. For example, I've been on trips with friends and at some places I always thought "I want to come back here with a girl I truly like and enjoy the moment". But yeah, is that a purpose?
So here's the deal. We like to discourage making one's mission or purpose "success with girls." This is canon throughout the red pill, manosphere, whatever you call it. Certainly here on Sosuave.

Your Mission should be something that drives you, that you value above all other things. It can be a hobby, a career, a charity, an area of academic study. It can change over time. But you need something that drives you. I have a short e-booklet for you to read, by a blogger named LaidNYC. His blog and Twitter accounts are long gone. He was online for maybe a year and then he'd said everything he needed to say and took it all down. But I do have this booklet about finding a Mission. Am trying to find it and when I do I will PM to you. Maybe I will post here somewhere too, it's pretty good.
 

oldmanofthesea

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What’s your social life like? Do you have a lot of friends and could you find someone to hang out with any time you wanted? Is your schedule with friends and activities and travel and sports and hobbies really full, that you feel you are busy nearly all the time and rarely bored? Do your friends think highly of you? Are you respected among your friends? Are you doing things to add/bring value to your friends? Your fulfillment and idea of self should come from this, and from your achievements.
 

EyeOnThePrize

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Thanks for your answers.



Yeah I think I need help, I believe I'm depressed and it's only getting worse. Strange thing is that I was kind of fine before I met this chick, but since she started texting me this much, it's gotten worse. My mind is constantly racing: "What would her next text be like, thank god it's via text so I can think about my response for a couple of minutes, why hasn't she texted me today". And there's always that feeling "what if it doesn't work out, it would just reinforce my feeling of being worthless". And to be honest, she suddenly stopped texting me since this weekend and yeah I realize it's because she lost interest, but not even a response to my last text although everything was perfectly fine before that.



I have a great career which earns me quite a decent amount of money. I go to the gym a lot and last weekend, when going out, some strangers complimented me on that. Apparantly one of those strangers (who was a girl), told a friend of mine "damn I wish I had a muscular guy like that in my bedroom". She turned towards me and asked me to flex my muscles, I did but just shrugged it off and said "ah it could be better", after that I turned back to my friends and she left.

I tell this just to show how ****ing afraid I am. I probably could have had a simple kiss out of it, but my mind was still "well she talked to my friend first and not me, so she might like the muscles, but not my face and character/body language, but yeah what do you expect since you're short and your hair is completely gray. And what would I say to her, I need to say something cool and funny and not something boring, ah screw it, let me just get back to my friends".

I saw pictures of myself from this weekend out with my friends and realized my hair is my biggest thing holding me back and then my height. Dying my hair again would be so weird at this moment as I've been going like this for over a couple of years. And although I've gotten compliments on my looks, when I see my face in pictures, I categorize myself as a 4, perhaps a 5 in a good picture.

For the other part, I don't really have a purpose as I don't really know what this means. I could get other hobbies yeah and get even better in the gym, or learn a new language, but I don't feel that would be my life purpose. If I would love to have one thing, it is to be successfull with girls. For example, I've been on trips with friends and at some places I always thought "I want to come back here with a girl I truly like and enjoy the moment". But yeah, is that a purpose?



You're right I should have just texted her to see where it would go, but this fear of messing even a thing like this up is so deep in my mind. I sat down for several nights thinking where it would come from and I can't figure it out. The only thing that might be it, is the fact that I've had so little experiences with girls that I need every experience that comes my way, to be a good one.
You need to catch yourself in moments of irrational fear and start replacing self defeating thoughts with empowering ones. At first it will feel quite forced but it'll become second nature over time. You have more influence in this world than you think you do, and your feelings of lack are due to this disconnect.

Do you know why you fear women so much? Because you think a girl will make or break your life. But that's not true. Infatuation will fade and you will be brought back to the same personal problems of self doubt and feeling inadequate.

You sound like you need more social circles in your life. Start up some coed hobbies so you can make friends with cute girls and get over this weird fear. They are flawed and take runny poops sometimes just like the rest of us.
 

lamath

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What i do is embrace the things that make me feel bad, might sound weird but instead of shuting down i take it.


Confidence wise start with small things

Fatest improvement will come with a good hair cuts and some good looking clothes
The Gym will take longer but will help greatly if you stick to it.


Mens Team sport are great to help if you can, it helps getting a more masculine mindset.
Go to more social gathering, take a new class do some charity work etc those will greatly improve your social skills.
 
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stormrider

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Low self esteem is a world wide epidemic. Doesn’t matter how much money you have or how many girls you can get. If anything, you will just trade in your dignity for female approval and end up with crippling one itis.

A relationship is actually the last thing you need. One problem I have with some advice in the community is that the most needy and low self esteem guys are told to chase after chicks and they end up getting wrecked and end up joining the priesthood.

No chick wants you right now and there is nothing you can bring to the table until you learn to become self validated. At most you will find a woman who wants to use you. Because how can someone love you if you dont even love yourself? This is a harsh truth of life.

You are empty and think there is something outside yourself that could complete you. This thought process is what got you in trouble in the first place. Your whole life is about external validation. Today, it’s female validation. Tomorrow it’s baldness. A few years from now it will be shortness, or fatness. It will always be something.

It’s better to go to the root cause instead of always attacking the symptoms.

The root cause is that you think you are not enough.

As far as I’m concerned, the fact that God created me is the only validation I need. Everyone else can kiss my a$$.

As far as I’m concerned, I’m the coolest guy on the face of this planet. I don’t give a damn what anyone else thinks.

Only from this place of self validation and confidence can anything with women work.

Nothing else works. No amount of game or tactics can save you.

So the question is, how do you get there? Self love. Go to the gym. Go on a diet. Meditate. Surround yourself with positive people. Give yourself a new mind, body, and spirit. Eliminate toxic people from your life. Pray to a rosary. Do whatever it takes to become whole. It is only from wholeness will you attract the right women.

A great poster named @survior once said “Your task is to love “the one”, which is yourself. The “one” DOES exist, but it’s not the girl you are chasing after.

You are what you’ve been waiting for and dreaming about. That pedestal that God gave you was meant for you to stand on, not her.

Right now “the one” might now be much to look at, but underneath your imperfections lies that perfect 10 that creeps in and out of your dreams.

Your task is to treat “the one” to a better mind, body, and spirit. You cannot find another “one”. Trying to do so is what got you in this mess in the first place.

Show respect and admiration for “the one”. If you don’t, nobody will.”
 
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BadBoy89

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This is what happens when men depend on external factors for their self worth and validation.

Men need to learn how to analyze, critique, think for themselves.
Instead they take cues from Hollywood and society on what the think will make them happy, and end up being miserable.

Strengthen your mind, body, and soul. Put yourself under pressure, read, read, read. Make women a byproduct of your life, not your whole life.

If you cannot be happy by yourself, you will not be happy with a women.
 

HiTtc

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What’s your social life like? Do you have a lot of friends and could you find someone to hang out with any time you wanted? Is your schedule with friends and activities and travel and sports and hobbies really full, that you feel you are busy nearly all the time and rarely bored? Do your friends think highly of you? Are you respected among your friends? Are you doing things to add/bring value to your friends? Your fulfillment and idea of self should come from this, and from your achievements.
I'm very bored, currently I am forced by work to have a week off. My days currently consists of getting up, read something, play something, go to the gym for 1h30m, come back home and read some more, watch something and play something.
When I'm working it's the same, besides having 8h dedicated to work.

I could get someone to go have a drink if I really wanted, but I live in a rural area, I guess it would be easier in a city.

Do you know why you fear women so much? Because you think a girl will make or break your life. But that's not true. Infatuation will fade and you will be brought back to the same personal problems of self doubt and feeling inadequate.

You sound like you need more social circles in your life. Start up some coed hobbies so you can make friends with cute girls and get over this weird fear. They are flawed and take runny poops sometimes just like the rest of us.
I know I'll get over this feeling and get back to feeling "ok". But that's the point, I'm fed up with this "ok" as well, it's just not "ok" enough, far from it. But don't really know what I could add as an hobby.

I do get all that and you share some great insights, I just don't see how I could love myself at this point. Some parts of my life are in order, as my career and my body is getting there, but that's it. My social skills are horrible and I can't seem to improve on that.

Thanks, gonna read it thoroughly this evening

This is what happens when men depend on external factors for their self worth and validation.

Men need to learn how to analyze, critique, think for themselves.
Instead they take cues from Hollywood and society on what the think will make them happy, and end up being miserable.

Strengthen your mind, body, and soul. Put yourself under pressure, read, read, read. Make women a byproduct of your life, not your whole life.

If you cannot be happy by yourself, you will not be happy with a women.
Yeah it's true and I guess for many on this forum, I've gotten the best feeling and most confidence when I was fvcking a girl. It's hard for me to be able to get or even think about getting that feeling just by myself.
 

oldmanofthesea

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I'm very bored, currently I am forced by work to have a week off. My days currently consists of getting up, read something, play something, go to the gym for 1h30m, come back home and read some more, watch something and play something.
When I'm working it's the same, besides having 8h dedicated to work.

I could get someone to go have a drink if I really wanted, but I live in a rural area, I guess it would be easier in a city.
There’s a reason meth addiction and alcoholism is so rampant in many rural areas..... there’s nothing else to do! First step is to move. Don’t say it can’t be done. It can. I’m living proof as are many others here. You can do it and it will change your life. You don’t need to move to NYC but you need to be somewhere with a larger population, plenty of people to socialize with, activities, etc.
 
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mrgoodstuff

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This is what happens when men depend on external factors for their self worth and validation.

Men need to learn how to analyze, critique, think for themselves.
Instead they take cues from Hollywood and society on what the think will make them happy, and end up being miserable.

Strengthen your mind, body, and soul. Put yourself under pressure, read, read, read. Make women a byproduct of your life, not your whole life.

If you cannot be happy by yourself, you will not be happy with a women.
Yep and if your not happy you will be attracting that what is not good for you.
 

EyeOnThePrize

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Yeah it's true and I guess for many on this forum, I've gotten the best feeling and most confidence when I was fvcking a girl. It's hard for me to be able to get or even think about getting that feeling just by myself.
This is pretty sad dude. It means you haven't been digging deep and taking the risks to pursue what you really want. Your schedule is also super boring and isolating.

The way you're typing out your responses make you sound like you've resigned in life. If you're going to ask for help then argue for resignation in this thread you'll only push people away and isolate yourself further. We aren't your parents or your cheerleaders. As fellow men we have an obligation to call you out on your bs.

Find something you're interested in and grind hard. When you challenge yourself well enough all other things become trivial by comparison.
 

Black Widow Void

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Welcome aboard.

I'm certain that everyone here, at some point, has gauged their happiness upon the actions / approval of some female (self included).
The fact that you recognize this and want to change... will put you ahead of the game compared to more men than you may realize. For instance; there are those that are stuck in a bad 'roller coaster' marriage (marrying the first gal that flashed them a smile and are now miserable) or those that are unwilling to work on themselves. While you may not see it, consider yourself one of the lucky ones. With some work, you life will improve and for the better.

As Atom Smasher suggested above, counseling is never a bad idea.
If you wish to try other areas (or areas that would supplement) I'd suggest joining some meet up groups. You could join a group that focuses (of focuses similar) on some of the problems that you described. Another aspect of meetup's is that this can potentially broaden your social circle and also help to sharpen and 'fine-tune' some social interaction (if you find yourself a bit rusty).

Personally, I'm not one to suggest a lot of 'self-help' books, because I think they sometimes complicate lives more than assist. Also, they will sometimes provide a false sense of confidence that within an hour will dissipate. With this being said, I do believe that there is one book that is spot on. Oddly enough, the book is close to 100 years old (published first in 1936) . Check out Dale Carnegie's "How To Win Friends And Influence People."

Best of luck and don't hesitate to post in the future about further questions.
 
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