Casually dating...knocked her up...how would you handle this one??

TheBigShow

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Whats up Don Juan's!

First time posting in the forum, Ive got an interesting situation that Im hoping to get some insight on. Ive always been pretty good with women and always have something on the go. To be honest I love being single and dating other women but this has thrown me a bit.

Started dated a girl mid November, was one of those things where things ran perfect from the start. We were both fully enjoying it and it seemed like the chemistry was perfect! To be honest I as really enjoying it but I did know in the back of my head that it wouldnt be a forever thing.

Anyway over the New Year period I went away for a week, when I came back we were all set to meet up again. Positive phone chat and texts were exchanged. But a massive problem reared its head the day before we were set to meet...she had taken a pregnancy test, it was positive and she said it was mine. She went through the process of doctors appointments etc and it was definitely mine..dates matched to the times we were together etc.

She made the decision pretty quickly to terminate, which I supported and made sure I had her back. I will admit there was a selfish element, I wanted to make sure that the abortion was done and I had some sort of control over the situation. She kind of freaked out about the whole pregnancy thing, and said she didnt want anything from me etc, but I waited in the wings just making sure every thing happened and was generally supportive to her.

I sent her flowers after the operation and all that stuff and she seemed pretty happy with the whole situation. We kind of just went our separate ways after that...which was fine. But she did stick in my head a bit, but overall I was releived to have dodged a bullet. I definitely felt a respect for her in the way she handled it, but I wasnt really thinking I wanted to go back there.

Sorry for the longwinded story...but I can sort of get to the point now!!

We've been in touch again over the last to weeks, for whatever reason I started thinking about her a lot again after randomly seeing her. I sent her a rose for valentines and we have been texted back and forth since, we are meeting up for lunch this saturday, should I be treating it as a date or is it just a friend thing because she is grateful that I treated her well? I would actually like to date her again, because when it comes down to it **** happens and she dealt with the **** in a mature way...so I think she might be worth another go...

Bearing in mind that she was NEVER actually my girlfriend to start with...is there any way I can I still date her casually or am I on the road to a relationship if I go back?
 
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EastWind

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Well, first off, congratulations on a development that a lot of guys would kill for: getting a girl pregnant and her willingly terminating the whole thing. Your selfish element of wanting to oversee the whole thing to make sure she went through with it is perfectly normal, I'd have considered you gullible if you hadn't.

I can't really give you advice here. I've twice been in the situation where I thought I might've gotten a girl pregnant and it's been more than enough to a) get me off sex with random hoes, at least for a while b) make dead sure I will be using one of MY condoms at every encounter.

All that said, here are some points that popped into my head as I was reading your post that I believe you should keep in mind:

- The fact that she made the decision to terminate somehow tells me she has her head screwed on right. Having a kid with an almost-total stranger is something only seriously damaged girls do.
- You two now share the history of an aborted child. Without having been there, that seems like something that could seriously impact a relationship.
- What's more, the fact that things went as they did will probably always make you feel like you have something to make up.

- Lastly, and this is important: how did this happen? All but some weird girls are on the pill nowadays, but forget that, you should use a condom anyway.
 

speed dawg

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This relationship is over. You and her had an abortion. Do you really ever think anything will ever work out between you two again, EVER? Get rid of your one-itis and go find you some other women.
 

Boilermaker

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haha why not speed dawg?

this could work if he wants to.

Don't be so rigid, do as you please... Abortion is out of the way, that had to have some bonding element.

She chose you over the baby after all.

I'd say treat it as a date. You knocked her up for christ's sake, she's not a random stranger.
 

speed dawg

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Boilermaker said:
Abortion is out of the way, that had to have some bonding element.
Not good bonding.
 
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Colossus

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Abortion is a serious life event. No matter what the girl says, this will have a lasting emotional impact on her. It will affect her future relationships. Unfortunately you will always be associated with this event.

Think about it: it is a woman's biological and emotional imperative to bear and raise children. Abortion, especially later-term abortions, are very unnatural and in some people's eyes a form of murder. Personal opinions of abortion aside, I will reiterate this is a serious emotional event that you are directly linked to.

I'm not saying write her off forever, but keep this in mind. Perhaps it's a bridge best burned.
 

glass half full

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The abortion could cause problems later, however she really sounds like she has it together, so to speak...
She seems to have things in perspective, I'd say if you want, she might be worth a chance. Just hope the kid thing doesn't bite back later.
Just remember, even though she has her sh!t together now, it may not stay that way. I thought my last wife was the most together person I'd ever met. But other women can have a "huge impact" on things, as I've learned. Take a good look at her friends, and make sure they won't be the catty kind, that may cause her to have second thoughts.
 

origin138

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speed dawg said:
This relationship is over. You and her had an abortion. Do you really ever think anything will ever work out between you two again, EVER? Get rid of your one-itis and go find you some other women.
^ This is a rigid and borderline idiotic post that lacks insight. I'm surprised, speed dawg.

OP, I was seeing a girl when I was younger (19 years old). She got pregnant and aborted.

What many people don't realize is the impact something like this has on the man. Everyone is quick to cry about "the woman's body" and "the woman's right to choose" and blah blah. No one mentions the man is a slave to her decision and is supposed to just suck it up as if he's got no attachment to this thing. Granted, she carries the biological risk, and that's why I'll side with the woman on this one. But it ****s with my head to this day that that baby is gone. That was my DNA, a part of my lineage, a part of my family, and I'll never know her/him.

That aside, the girl came back and we hashed things out and continued the relationship for another 5 years. The abortion was discussed maybe once a year when she was having a hard time with it, and it never turned into crying sessions or weird sex. It also never turned into a blame game or an excuse for disrespect. She accepted responsibility for her decision, and we moved forward.

Your outcome with this woman will depend heavily on her ability to manage the gravity of what has happened to her. Colossus makes a great point, you will always be associated with this event, but that doesn't mean she'll be a **** about it. To cavalierly toss her aside like she's trash based on the situation alone is idiotic and short-sighted. It's not that fvcking simple.

If she throws you under the bus and disrespects you, or uses what happened as a means to sh!t on you, then you know what you're dealing with and you need to NEXT her immediately. If she handles the situation maturely, and doesn't disrespect you in the process, or use the situation against you, why not see where it goes?
 

betheman

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TheBigShow said:
... But a massive problem reared its head the day before we were set to meet...she had taken a pregnancy test, it was positive and she said it was mine. She went through the process of doctors appointments etc and it was definitely mine..dates matched to the times we were together etc.
She made the decision pretty quickly to terminate,
call me an old cynical b'stard but I have a big problem with this. wasnt she on protection? hasnt she heard of the morning after pill? seriousy, no body gets pregnant by acident in a relationship these days unless they a, want to or b, fvck another guy!

SHE said it was yours...the dates matched...yeah sure!
SHE made the decision ...I bet she did!

I call complete crap on this
 

backbreaker

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origin138 said:
^ This is a rigid and borderline idiotic post that lacks insight. I'm surprised, speed dawg.

OP, I was seeing a girl when I was younger (19 years old). She got pregnant and aborted.

What many people don't realize is the impact something like this has on the man. Everyone is quick to cry about "the woman's body" and "the woman's right to choose" and blah blah. No one mentions the man is a slave to her decision and is supposed to just suck it up as if he's got no attachment to this thing. Granted, she carries the biological risk, and that's why I'll side with the woman on this one. But it ****s with my head to this day that that baby is gone. That was my DNA, a part of my lineage, a part of my family, and I'll never know her/him.

That aside, the girl came back and we hashed things out and continued the relationship for another 5 years. The abortion was discussed maybe once a year when she was having a hard time with it, and it never turned into crying sessions or weird sex. It also never turned into a blame game or an excuse for disrespect. She accepted responsibility for her decision, and we moved forward.

Your outcome with this woman will depend heavily on her ability to manage the gravity of what has happened to her. Colossus makes a great point, you will always be associated with this event, but that doesn't mean she'll be a **** about it. To cavalierly toss her aside like she's trash based on the situation alone is idiotic and short-sighted. It's not that fvcking simple.

If she throws you under the bus and disrespects you, or uses what happened as a means to sh!t on you, then you know what you're dealing with and you need to NEXT her immediately. If she handles the situation maturely, and doesn't disrespect you in the process, or use the situation against you, why not see where it goes?
great post
 
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Lexington

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It sounds to me like you're starting to catch feelings for this girl. You never intended for it to be a long term relationship and you probably had good reasons for it. You should be grateful that she aborted the fetus and that you didn't get stuck with 21 years of child support. But it's probably time to move on.

It was an emotional event for both of you I'm sure. Like it or not, it will complicate a casual relationship in the future. I say that the reward is not worth the risk. You're pretty good with the ladies, right? Move on from this one. Keep a cordial relationship with her, but don't go back to a place you already left behind.
 

the_stig

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Tough call but I think you will have your answer after meeting her for lunch. This will either bring you two closer, or make things awkward and uncomfortable.

If things were going as well as you say before the pregnancy, I wouldn't be so quick to write her off. As difficult as abortion is, I find it very laudable that she had the responsibility to weigh the consequences of having a child and decided this wasn't the right time or place for it. I know abortion and morals don't belong in the same sentence, but the fact that she wants to wait until the time is right before starting a family indicates that maybe she has values and character that are lacking in many women today.
 

TheBigShow

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Thanks for the comments guys, it's definitely a play it by ear event. I think that Colossus has a good point that it could cause problems later. I guess the main point is to sort out whether I have real feeling for her, or whether it is all around the whole pregnancy episode. It's a little surprising how vulnerable it makes you...especially because there wasn't any animosity around how to deal with the pregnancy.

Will just let the meeting play out and see how it unfolds...can probably make a better decision then.
 

goundra

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i say that you have a RARE GEM in her

and that you'd better marry her ASAP.
 
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