Case discussion for a learning AFC

[CCFCmid]

Hi all, thought I'd post my latest discussion so that hopefully the more experienced here can dissect where I went wrong and to help with my progress.

So met this girl on a dating site, transitioned after first chat to facebook, messaged on there for a few days, got digits, and set up date. She aint logged into that site since the day we started talking. She's the innocent type who doesn't seem too experienced, or at least portrays that.

Anyway took her out, shes about a 40 min drive for me, picked her up went for food. Date went really well, good convo, she is really dumb but got her talking passionately about some **** she was into, kino-ed it up, she was receptive and y end of date was offering hands to be touched if that makes sense.

We laughed a lot, talked about some really deep stuff. She is really dumb tho and a DHV routine didn't work - I'm a psychologist - easy transition into lots of stuff, tried the make answer correctly routine, asked her first question and she kinda panicked as she doesn't think shes that intelligent (she's not) so had to abort the routine, but date went great, she was qualifying herself.

"I've not disappointed you then",

(i've just had knee surgery)
her "You're not gonna be able to run away from me"
me "yeah might have to stick around for a couple of months till i get better"
Lots of stuff like that, where she was trying to see if I would be sticking around, testing to see if i wanted a relationship, which is cool since thats what I am looking for at 27.

I lead for most of the date, when i suggested we bounced to a bar after the meal for drinks, I had to let her choose the next bar, its a different city, I'm not familiar with. Even then, when she chose one, I said that one looks dead (it was empty) lets go to this one.

We met at 8. stayed out till 1.30 am. Dropped her off at hers, walked her to door and kissed her (no tongue, never had that before, i've always tonsil tennised at the end of dates so caught me by surprise). She pecked like three times and then said "OK?" if ya see what i mean, so i rolled away headed home.

I got lost on way home (new city and all that, we'd joked about how great my satnav skills were on the date) so text saying i'm lost.

Here's a discourse of text game following date.

On way home:
Me: Iv managed to get lost on that wierd circular road agen haha x
Her: Oh no lol! Have ya? Or u jokin? Lol x
Me: Yea got goin wrong way near the uni, on right road now tho x
Her: Oh good thanks for tonight x
Me: Ur welcome x

Next night (Friday): (we joked on date about how she thought she was special needs)
Me:Hey special girl U up to owt fun tonie? Hopefully not eating chocolate body wax haha x (shes a beautician, she joked about wanting to eat the chooclate body wax when its on people)

*I look back at this now and know this is AFC, checking up on what she was doing, total AFC mistake I know, ****head!*

Her:Hey no not doin much tonight just chillin I ave a really early start tmrw morning so an early night for me lol... sadly I don't have any choc wax...so am not eating any lol...how's u? x
Me: Just round my mates house and cracked open the whisky, and he wants to do shots :/ lol wot time you gotta get up? ****ty work! haha x
Her: Lol! Sounds fun! whiskey and shots not a good mix I'd be on mr arse but am a light weight so...lol! I start at 7 in the morning x

Didn't contact over weekend 2 days, she was working each day. Next text her Monday:
Me:Hey you down for doinsumthin this week? How thurs 4 ya? Had a random idea of going ice skating, but then remember it wunt be best with my knee lol ... the giant hill was enough x (one the date she told me where to park and led to a walk up a massive hill which I ripped her about and we laughed)
Her: Hey how's u? er, thursday am at college till 6? am rubbish at ice skating lol last time I went I was only 14 didn't let go of the side! lol but wudn't it hurt ur knee anyways x
Me: U sound about as good as me at ice skating haha! maybe I shud think of something else realised after that text that I cant do thurs lol how about irday or next monday, i'm guessing your working wkend? Been at college today? x
Her: (and this is when I noticed something was up) Monday probs be ok...yeah working at the weekend...been at college today x [very curt response, thought was wierd, thought maybe go no contact a few days build some interest]
Me: Will have a think, sumthin ore knee friendly.... hangliding or summat x


No contact for three days.
Sent her a a youtube link on facebook of a song we were laughing at on date...no response but didn't really ask anything


two days later, followed up on the date shes agreed to...

Me: I'll get sum stuff and we'll make our own pizzas, im inspired after pancake day then head bull [her local pub] for a few drinks, i'll be at urs for about 8 agen x

Her: Hey how are u sorry iv met someone n we are gonna give it a go....I had a nice date with u thank u it wud be unfair to keep seeing u x

Me: No worries did u meet b4 we went out? Shame, I had fun with ya despite the speeding ticket and the hill might've been gud, but that's the way it goes x
[Got flashed by a speeding camera after picking her up, wasn't paying attention]

Her: No after... I kow am sorry I did enjoy the date x

Me: Haha dnt worry [name] stop apologising it wa one date, ya dont fully know me or me you its no big deal, take care f yourself id say good luck wiv it but.... ya know that might by lying x

Her: Thank u take care too x



So what do people think? Waited too long to push the issue? I set up second date, 4th day after first, I dunno, is there anything I could have done better? I know there's probably loads but I am still learning this sh1t guys, would be good if you could help me learn by pointing out what I ****ed up.

I'd been in contact with other girls during this time, basically as a way of trying to avoid oneitis which i do often get, wasn't that bad with this one, but still gutting!

 

[CCFCmid]

Any help?

Any comments on bits that I did completely wrong? and should cut out? Things I could have done better? Things I did OK at and should do more of?

 

[Iceberg]

Any help?

Any comments on bits that I did completely wrong? and should cut out? Things I could have done better? Things I did OK at and should do more of?

You texted her a lot, which is kind of clingy. But really, just because you didnt get the girl doesn't mean you've done anything wrong. There could be dozens of reasons why a girl doesn't want to continue with you. Maybe you've done something wrong.....or maybe she never liked you in the first place.

It was one date. It's not marriage.

 

[AlphaNate]

Most of that sounds like clingy behavior. Being clingy is one of the quickest ways to land in friend zone.

The point where it sounds like things started to go wrong is the same point you said you realized afterward that it was AFC. That means you're out there getting some C&B out of it.

Also realize that Iceberg is right...she could have had any number of reasons. What's the difference? YOU'RE the high-value one, right? If she blows it, it's HER loss.

 

[ColonyConfused]

I'm even less experienced than yourself, but from my point of view i think when she said "OK?" at the night of date, she was giving the signal that she's okay with you going in for a "coffee", you know what i mean. but then you left she thought maybe you're not that interested. what i have experienced (don't know if its true or not) when you make a girl laugh for a specified amount, exactly when she would look at you with that strange look in her eyes (trying to read you through your eyes) after a laugh, its time you ask her your big question, or anything, do it your way, heavy kino her, do whatever you like.. she's all yours then, but if you let that moment pass without an action, she'll think you're not interested.
NEXT!

 

[ENIGMA16]

So met this girl on a dating site, transitioned after first chat to facebook, messaged on there for a few days, got digits, and set up date.

It worked out for you this time but I suggest going right from dating site to phone number, you'll have higher success rates.

Anyway took her out, shes about a 40 min drive for me

Why are you driving 40 minutes for a girl? Aren't there any that live around you?

Here's a discourse of text game following date.

On way home:
Me: Iv managed to get lost on that wierd circular road agen haha x
Her: Oh no lol! Have ya? Or u jokin? Lol x
Me: Yea got goin wrong way near the uni, on right road now tho x
Her: Oh good thanks for tonight x
Me: Ur welcome x

^UNINITIATED CONTACT #1

Next night (Friday): (we joked on date about how she thought she was special needs)
Me:Hey special girl U up to owt fun tonie? Hopefully not eating chocolate body wax haha x (shes a beautician, she joked about wanting to eat the chooclate body wax when its on people)

*I look back at this now and know this is AFC, checking up on what she was doing, total AFC mistake I know, ****head!*

^UNINITIATED CONTACT #2

Her:Hey no not doin much tonight just chillin I ave a really early start tmrw morning so an early night for me lol... sadly I don't have any choc wax...so am not eating any lol...how's u? x
Me: Just round my mates house and cracked open the whisky, and he wants to do shots :/ lol wot time you gotta get up? ****ty work! haha x
Her: Lol! Sounds fun! whiskey and shots not a good mix I'd be on mr arse but am a light weight so...lol! I start at 7 in the morning x

Didn't contact over weekend 2 days, she was working each day. Next text her Monday:
Me:Hey you down for doinsumthin this week? How thurs 4 ya? Had a random idea of going ice skating, but then remember it wunt be best with my knee lol ... the giant hill was enough x (one the date she told me where to park and led to a walk up a massive hill which I ripped her about and we laughed)
Her: Hey how's u? er, thursday am at college till 6? am rubbish at ice skating lol last time I went I was only 14 didn't let go of the side! lol but wudn't it hurt ur knee anyways x
Me: U sound about as good as me at ice skating haha! maybe I shud think of something else realised after that text that I cant do thurs lol how about irday or next monday, i'm guessing your working wkend? Been at college today? x
Her: (and this is when I noticed something was up) Monday probs be ok...yeah working at the weekend...been at college today x [very curt response, thought was wierd, thought maybe go no contact a few days build some interest]
Me: Will have a think, sumthin ore knee friendly.... hangliding or summat x

^UNINITIATED CONTACT #3

No contact for three days.
Sent her a a youtube link on facebook of a song we were laughing at on date...no response but didn't really ask anything

^UNINITIATED CONTACT #4

two days later, followed up on the date shes agreed to...

Me: I'll get sum stuff and we'll make our own pizzas, im inspired after pancake day then head bull [her local pub] for a few drinks, i'll be at urs for about 8 agen x

Her: Hey how are u sorry iv met someone n we are gonna give it a go....I had a nice date with u thank u it wud be unfair to keep seeing u x

Me: No worries did u meet b4 we went out? Shame, I had fun with ya despite the speeding ticket and the hill might've been gud, but that's the way it goes x
[Got flashed by a speeding camera after picking her up, wasn't paying attention]

Her: No after... I kow am sorry I did enjoy the date x

Me: Haha dnt worry [name] stop apologising it wa one date, ya dont fully know me or me you its no big deal, take care f yourself id say good luck wiv it but.... ya know that might by lying x

Her: Thank u take care too x

After the date you initiated contact four times. That's abysmal. You were very clearly being insanely desperate on this girl and she picked up on it. There probably isn't even another guy she just wants you to stop talking to her and contacting her all the time.

So what do people think? Waited too long to push the issue? I set up second date, 4th day after first, I dunno, is there anything I could have done better?

You're being desperate. I can smell it through my computer screen, think of how she felt! Generally after the first date don't contact the girl or even respond to their post-date "I had a nice time blah blah blah" texts. Sometimes I wait for them to try to initiate a date, or if they don't I'll set one up in a week or two about two days out.

You're texting and using Facebook way too much. As a beginner to this stuff, I highly recommend that you keep away from texting and social media to contact girls because you are going to find that 99% of your desperation you communicate through these, as it is much easier for you to justify doing so over text than over the phone or in person (which feels creepy, and should).

Later, once you have better control of your desperation, you can start using it to lightly flirt with girls (1 or two texts, always keeping it short) or to set up a date. But that is it.

I know there's probably loads but I am still learning this sh1t guys, would be good if you could help me learn by pointing out what I ****ed up.

This was all outer game advice, you need to work on inner game. You reek of desperation. Just a question, how many other girls are you seeing? I'm guessing not many, if at all, given the fact that you drove 40 minutes for this one and are so desperate.

Oh, also, as another poster said, you should've gauged interest level in whether or not you should come up by hinting at it somehow.

Also, my final piece of advice, you should never in your entire fvcking life drive 40 minutes to a place that you don't know and haven't been where you lose all of your social proof to see a girl that you don't know. You should have had her come to you, shown her a good time in your environment where you are in charge, and taken her to your place and gotten her up there.

 

[CCFCmid]

Hey thanks for the comments so far guys,

I think I did OK for me, especially early on in the date, but then started liking her and by the end of the date had drop a couple of notches with my game.

I think Enigma hit it on the head with comments about my inner game. Reflecting on this, I think I need to do some work on that big style.

For whatever reason, I've got a big hangup about being rejected, but especially when another guy is chosen over me, and it ****s me up.

But I don't think I ever hold myself as high value, which is daft as I am told I'm very good looking facially and muscly, but I am short, 5'5. I wonder if I have some deep beliefs about this somewhere. I have a good job, confidence generally (but obviously some crippling deep insecurities :/ )

My inner child definitely hurts when rejected in this situation and I think I need to do some inner-parenting and validate myself rather than look for it with women.

I came to this conclusion as it doesn't make sense why this hurts so much. When I've tried dating women, I've always got dates and sex and over the last two years had 6 month relationship, upwards of 10 dates (i know this is poor for a PUA, but for someone who hasn't really been trying), a threesome with two women at a work night out, lots of pulls on nights out, plenty of contacts through online dating.

I realise that this sort of results for someone who doesn't really know game at all suggests the evidence doesn't stack up to me being 'no good' or 'unlovable' etc.

I need to get a handle on my inner game, core beliefs and self-esteem. Any good advice? I'm going to do some self-CBT, self-soothing for my inner child and re-parenting, very DBT type stuff that you would normally work with borderlines who have difficulty with emotional regulation.

 

[CCFCmid]

any view on that?