Can't get over my past

[ted]

I have been lurking and learning here for over a year. It has helped me greatly in dealing with women. I had almost zero confidence with women before. This has caused me to have no ambitionin life.
Now I have the skills to make a woman smile. I love a woman's smile. However, I always have it in the back of my mind that I have accomplished very little in my life due to the fact that I had no success with women.
I am stuck at a stage where I don't let it go farther than the initial conversation with women because I always have my past in the back of my head. How do I move forward with a career and with women at the same time? I really can't focus on anything else but women.

 

[DJ_Dork]

Read your post. I counted 8 women in just less than 8-10 sentences. You know where your focus is. You even mention it in the last sentence. Replace the word woman/women with the word life.

 

[coldcoal]

You happen to know that women will never stop trying to understand more about you so long as they maintain an interest in you. That can be a tough hurdle to overcome, because for many people trying to improve thier lives for the better, the past is something they would rather not drudge back up and be known for, espeially in a time of developing new relationships. Unfortunately, change comes slow and there isn't enough of the "new you" to stake a personality on just yet, so it's limbo for a while.

Good advice would be to forge on, continue the changes and just keep hopes high because it will get better and better. Even better advice would be that you do not have to answer evey question and explain every situation for everyone who asks.

So when you're out there meeting a new person, and you know in the back of your head that it's getting close to a point where the old you is going to be put on the spotlight for questioning, decide to be vague or more of a mystery and substitute it with something the better man you want to be would want to do, ie., it's better to have to explain why you decided to go for the sudden kiss than it would be to explain why you're still a virgin or something along those lines.

When you learn to do that, the changes come faster.

Hope that helps a little.

 

[InLawsHateMe]

Originally posted by DJ_Dork
Read your post. I counted 8 women in just less than 8-10 sentences. You know where your focus is. You even mention it in the last sentence. Replace the word woman/women with the word life.

DJ Dork....lol..dude, that name sucks bro. ...but you are absolutley right. DJD is on it.... take your focus off women, and focus on yourself..... women can come later..... they ain't going nowhere. :\

 

[legolas]

So you really want to know what's bothering you? Okay answer this question: If you look inside that bad feeling that you causes you to be stuck and tell me what's at the center of it? What's driving that feeling? What's fueling it? Look for a feling instead of a "thing" like instead of saying "Oh it's my past experiences" find the feeling that you get when you think of past experiences. Once you get it, tell me what it is and I'll tell you what to do next.

 

[true|hockey]

I have the same problem you do, overcoming that last hurdle from the past life that has kept me from being where I want to me. But as people have mentioned, the best thing you can do is go on, and forget about the female race. Focus on your life, and keep busy with it.

The wierd thing I noticed is that you will meet some cool chick and not even expect it. Im not saying to sit around on saturday nights, but don't sweat it too much. Just don't be like me and completly miss their signs, because it sucks to miss out :/

 

[alone]

your insecurities and guilt are getting to you. i can relate. .because thats wat prevents me from getting girls and moving on. i think of my problems and i worry on wat to say to girls and so i lived in my insecurities and my mind without doing anything... i had the same approach to my skool work( hell im supposed to be doin work rite now!!!!) i would think of all my assignments i had to finish and would endup worrying so much that i didnt get much or anything done at all...
the only solution i cna give you as i give to everyone is to find something to do!!!
it doesnt matter what it is just find something productive to do. if in youre a community join some neghbor hood programme .. develop a hobbie like sign language or something learn a language do volunteer work or something anything !!! theres alot of oppurtnuities to help others and when you do you will see how youre insecurities and problems are insignificant compared to others...
AND ITS WHEN YOU GET A LIFE THAT WOMEN WILL LEVITATE TOWARDS YOU!!!!!
pEACE!!!!

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

As dj dorky stated, you focus is wrong!!! Change your name DJ Dork - it is not becoming of a dj!!

 

[ted]

This feels like therapy. Thanks a lot. I guess the two main feelings I have are regret and shame. Women are gravitating towards me. I walk confidently and approach confidently and get them smiling most of the time.
I know I have to focus on myself(still need to hear it though) but I get the biggest rush when a woman is enjoying my company. It is very addicting.I also feel that when I stop its like my "skills" regress. Its like exercising I guess.
The root of my problem is how my father dealt with the sex issue when I was young. He would have fights with my mom about my half brother having sex in the house. He would always say it was wrong. He wasn't even coming from a religious angle, it was like he just wnted to argue with my mom about something. I still have bad feelings toward my father for screwing up my head like that. Its kind of like I am punishing him by not doing anything with my life.
Whew! I know you guys aren't psychologists but it actually is a load off my shoulders to type this and tell someone.
Anyway, what do you do to erase regret from your mind?
What are some ****y/funny statements that I can say to let a woman when she asks about my past without it seeming like I want to avoid the topic?
Oh yeah, I have to change my username also, not very creative, huh?

 

[coldcoal]

Ted, if talking to women is something that makes you feel good, why would you want to stop focusing on that? So you have family issues. Join the club. My old man booted me when I was 17, right after my mother ran off with a stranger. But I still got my share of good pvssy despite all the buzzing issues in my life.

Focusing on improving the welfare of your life, seperate of women, is a long term goal every man should step up and take the resposibility of doing, but it should not be something you decide to do via advice in hopes of getting laid more often in the future.

I don't think the problem you're having is because you focus too much on women. I think the problem is that you are focusing too much on yourself in the wrong way, and by taking the generic advice of focusing on yourself even more, I think you risk stacking the pressures you're feeling even higher.

If you don't want to talk too much about your past, be more mindful of the types of questions you ask to create convo to begin with. Learn how to guide it. Ever notice women often retort with the same questions you ask them after they're done answering? Start there.

As for avoiding the question if it is asked, try to play with brutal honesty. "Well, I don't want to answer that because I want to maintain an element of mystery, which I hear really turns women on." <grin> That kind of sh*t actually floats sometimes. The point is that you have endless options of how you want to respond. You don't have to keep it all dull, honest and painful. You're not chained to your past just because the question comes up. You're as free as you decide to be in that moment.

 

[legolas]

Well it is therapy....free therapy

Your dad has nothing to do with it, it's up to you how you deal with it. If you let your dad influence your decision, then he has power, and I'm not even talking about him being there physically.

Shame is number one in everybody's list. Shame is how they have tamed us and controlled us for years, and it is still the weapon of choice in controlling people without the people being aware of it. This works both for guys and girls. We are all tamed by shame, why? Because we put way too much importance in what other people think of us.

You go inside and you identify your core problems, and then you ask for a quick fix like "****y funny phrase" or "erase memory" Okay for one, brain memory cannot be erased, it has to be overwrittten with something else, or mixed in together and rewritten over the old stuff. So if you think about it that way, what kind of good things would you like to add in to regret in order to make regret as powerless as possible?

When you find some things, add them into regret (mix it like a ****tail) and see if it feels better, and if you want to add more, stuff go ahead. Once you've added enough, you need to rewrite it back to where regret used to be. Make sure you get them all covered!!

See if this works.

And stop worrying about what to say to a girl about your past just say "Well I certainly wasn't raised in paradise, but let's not dwell in the past" and change the topic.