Cannot converse with ANYONE!

[MechJ925]

I feel good about myself as a person as well as my achievements I have made thus far in my life. I am in college; I know what I am going to do with my life. I am a kind caring individual who won't hesitate to ask how a strangers day is going, or go out of my way for someone. I have everything that counts: intellect, common sense, cultured upbringing, looks (at least I believe so), and a sense of humor. I try to dress with some style and uniqueness. I walk tall not slouched. I put off every sign which says I care about myself and have a good attitude. Self-esteem is not an issue as far as I am concerned. The only thing I am self conscious about physically is my weight (6'0 130lbs scrawny) which I am working to improve on the daily through protein, diet, and routine weight workouts. Aside from that the major obstacle in my way is the fact that I cannot talk to anyone.. thus the perception people have of me is never really me.

My best friends, and family I have no trouble conversing with. However, upon a first introduction to a stranger, my mind clears its self of every witty retort, and speech becomes humorless and boring. The end result of this, of course, makes me appear literal and BORING. In the middle of a group of individuals talking I remain silent because I cannot think of anything worth mentioning. Often I stumble my words and get them mixed up. I crave every day to be as quick on my feet as... Lets say... Top Gear's Jeremy Clarkson for example. I am rarely the person to make one laugh even though I have a great sense of humor.

I was a late bloomer socially, and this might be an issue. I am 19, and I didn't really come out of my shell until around 16-17 years of age. I personally believe that I am behind socially from everyone else in my age group. I would have been labeled as an introvert during the prior years of my life. I cared nothing for people, and was into nothing other than my personal projects, hobbies, and thoughts. To this day if I am not out attempting to expand my social networks I am wrenching my car, spinning tracks, or finding some way to expand my intellectual prowess. I put myself at number one. My personality has now flipped 180 degrees (introvert to extrovert), and I feel the need to socialize and meet people. I constantly force myself into situations talking to strangers to improve with little success. I constantly observe others alongside my attempts again with no improvement. I realize people say practice makes perfect, but practicing isn't cutting it.

If someone has any advice I would appreciate it more than anything. This has to stop because I really wish to become more socially involved in groups, but in the end I have always been labeled as "that awkward boring guy" because I remain silent..



(This of course is the reason as to why I am always rejected by women, but if I can't talk to an individual of the same sex, or a girl I have no interest in I will never be able to reciprocate with the occasional heart throbbing ''IM IN LOVE'' girl...)

 

[sexysuave]

Hmmm, are you going to college now?

If not, sign up for a big university. And then get your self involved in AS MANY groups as you can. You will be starting fresh, and no one knows your reputation from before. You will make many new friends and learn to interact. Seriously, doing this would be HUGEEEEE, I can't stress it enough.

Also, you can sign up for toastmasters and do that once a week to work on your public speaking skills..

Where do you live?

 

[Deadly_Ripped]

Wow! With all of those positive qualities and self-esteem, you're definitely going to be able to beat this problem.

The thing is, social tact and the ability to make friends quickly and to make great conversation is something that IS A SKILL and WILL TAKE TIME to develop. It's wonderful that you have friends and family, but you'll need to make a habit of WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE to see how they interact with new people, and REFLECTING ON YOURSELF during your conversations with new people.

The only way to get better at this is through exposure. DO NOT LIMIT YOURSELF TO WOMEN. Try to meet men as well on a casual level - the same skills developed there will also help with women and visca versa

There are a TON of self help books out there on social ettiquette and I can't recommend many of them, but there are 2 that have helped me significantly: One is "How to win friends and influence people" and the other is some book that's like "How to talk to anyone" but I can't remember the title exactly.

I know that you said you've had limited success so far. Without guides (friends, books, movies, any external source of information), your progress will be VERY, VERY, SLOW because you'll have to learn by guess-and-check and social situations are highly dynamic and varied, so you'd learn quite slow. With the internet and books and an intellect at your disposal, you can learn all kinds of things rapidly that'll drastically improve your success.

Keep in mind, going from introvert/late bloomer to extrovert/social butterfly takes YEARS. It has taken me a full decade of this kind of turnaround in order to walk into a party or an elevator or an interview knowing that I can at least make GOOD conversation and stay relatively calm about it all. Keep striving and focus on what works and focus on reapplying what you find that works.

It won't be natural at first, but as you progress you'll find yourself laughing at your previous gaffes that in retrospect will seem almost unthinkable, so don't give up!!

 

[MechJ925]

Suave, I live in Memphis, and it is quite a boring town with little to do for my age group which doesn't help. Memphis is a very 21 and up city as far as nightlife goes. I have been considering transferring to UT Chat or UT Knox for the very reasons you stated. Thank you for your input!

Ripped, I'm glad I am not alone. I will look into some of these guides, and study them well. The fact that perfection takes years is a little intimidating, but I suppose good things are rare to happen overnight. I know I can't rely on them 100%, and my problem takes more practice than anything. However, a point in the right direction sounds like it will be a big help.

Thank you, guys!

 

[FairShake]

However, upon a first introduction to a stranger, my mind clears its self of every witty retort, and speech becomes humorless and boring. The end result of this, of course, makes me appear literal and BORING. In the middle of a group of individuals talking I remain silent because I cannot think of anything worth mentioning. Often I stumble my words and get them mixed up. I crave every day to be as quick on my feet as... Lets say... Top Gear's Jeremy Clarkson for example. I am rarely the person to make one laugh even though I have a great sense of humor.

Your mind goes blank because you are worried about being quiet and unfunny. You must believe that unending humor and witty retorts are how a social circle is made. You probably put so much pressure on yourself in a new situation that adreneline takes over and freezes you up.

Every single conversation how-to says the same thing. Listen to other people. No need to go downloading them or buying them, the advice is the same. Listen to people, remember things about them, look for commonalities, wait for your turn to speak. If you want to be liked it kinda has to be about them.

And don't look down on being the quiet guy. It's not really a problem as long as you can talk when someone really wants to. By the way, when they really want to it's soooo easy. The only one labeling you the awkward boring guy is yourself.

 

[BlackwaterPark]

I was the same way. Like someone said, the only way to get better is to force yourself into these situations. Make it a point to strike up 4-5 conversations everyday. If you're not a natural extrovert it'll be tough, but you'll be better off for having tried. Atleast you got some taste. Top gear's a badass show.

 

[Deicide]

Suave, I live in Memphis, and it is quite a boring town with little to do for my age group which doesn't help. Memphis is a very 21 and up city as far as nightlife goes. I have been considering transferring to UT Chat or UT Knox for the very reasons you stated. Thank you for your input!

Ripped, I'm glad I am not alone. I will look into some of these guides, and study them well. The fact that perfection takes years is a little intimidating, but I suppose good things are rare to happen overnight. I know I can't rely on them 100%, and my problem takes more practice than anything. However, a point in the right direction sounds like it will be a big help.

Thank you, guys!

Consider UT Martin too. I graduated from there and I made friends with a few people from Memphis. You don't need to engage in nightlife to learn natural conversation skills. Just saying Hi to random people during the daytime helps and goes a long way. Even giving strangers eye contact can be beneficial as well. I've been cold approaching for 8 months, and I still have problems conversing with strangers. Best of luck in your journey.