Hello Friend,

If this is your first visit to SoSuave, I would advise you to START HERE.

It will be the most efficient use of your time.

And you will learn everything you need to know to become a huge success with women.

Thank you for visiting and have a great day!

Cannot Cold Approach in the Daytime- terrified of rejection

Zanbato

New Member
Joined
Sep 25, 2012
Messages
9
Reaction score
0
Location
Small town
Hey all,

I'm not quite new to the whole pickup-scene but am having a major problem with the the 'day game' scene. I cannot, I repeat, cannot cold approach in the daytime. I need some advice on how to cope with this problem.

I've gone through university feeling the agony of hundreds of opportunities pass me by day by day because I've been too inhibited and worried about being shot down to approach women. See, I'm a typical "keyboard jockey": I've read about the game inside out. I've been all over the "blogosphere" and have been keeping up with "Rational Male" and "Heartiste". I understand why game should work but can't make it work myself.To remedy the frustration I contend with, I often go out drunk and try to approach. Drunk approaches usually don't end well, and I think that only works to make it even more difficult to approach during the day.

It's like there's an invisible wall. My mind, body, every part of me resists any urge to go and talk to women. It's likely just me, but it seems as if women are guarded in the streets. I walk to work and live in a town in which there are a lot of female undergrads. They all seem to have a chip on their shoulder and don't look approachable at all.

I try to ease myself into cold approaches by playing the "eye contact game" to try and build my confidence to approach. I literally get the stink-eye from basically every woman with whom I hold eye contact. By the time I'm cognizant of them glaring daggers at me for what seems to me at the time to be no reason beyond looking them in the eye, I can't bring myself to approach. I can't stand dirty looks and I get preponderant amounts of them. The younger they are the more likely the chicks are to sneer at me.

Does anyone know how to deal with this kind of thing? I'm beginning to think its more social anxiety than it is a general nervousness around women. I can approach and spit game, but I tend to only be really successful and only actually be able to attempt when there's already some kind of obvious approach invitation involved. I'm petrified of cold approaching in the day, particularly when it's really bright out. My mind just shuts down and refuses to do anything but make up a series of negative potential outcomes.

How do you guys deal with this? Or do you even have this kind of problem?
 
Joined
Aug 26, 2012
Messages
70
Reaction score
0
Location
Trapped in her closet
I know precisely what you mean because it happens to me too. The only thing you can do is to just do it. Thats all it comes down to. If you know people who do this, i.e, bag a lot of chicks, then hang with them. It helps to have someone you know watching you.
 

Zanbato

New Member
Joined
Sep 25, 2012
Messages
9
Reaction score
0
Location
Small town
I'm not sure if it's a self-esteem thing or what. I don't hate myself, I'm not all that insecure. I'm balding: that's about the only thing over which I'm in any way insecure. I cut my hair short--basically ~ a #1. I'm sure shaving my head would be better considering the stage it's at, but I really don't want to do something that drastic. I think I look better with hair.

I consider myself quite confident, but aren't all that good at showing that much. I realize the dirty looks mean very little for the most part, but still totally get thrown off and rattled by them. I get them so much. And when I do get them, they completely blast my state to hell. I, no matter how I try to frame it in my head, have an instantaneous negative gut-reaction. Basically my mind switches on an alarm and tells me: "Bad! Bad! Stay away! Avoid! Avoid! Get away! Danger!" I'm trying to figure out how to defuse this clearly faulty mental mechanism but have come up short every time I've tried to audit this problem of mine thus far.

Bring a friend, hm? I'll try it out next time I'm chasing tail.
 

Zanbato

New Member
Joined
Sep 25, 2012
Messages
9
Reaction score
0
Location
Small town
@ D.J K.A.:

I'm about 5'10'', with the majority of my height coming from my torso. I'm thin with some slight musculature. I do martial arts and they keep me fit, while not doing much for my physical size. My arms are small as ****. I could be leaner. (I.e. No bonafide "six pack" [just a slight, faint hint of the presence of abs], not a whole lot of muscle-definition.)

I work in an office so a lot of the time I'm in slacks and a button-down shirt. I'm pretty stringent with what I wear in terms of work: I wear only shirts that fit pretty well, so that I can showcase what upper body muscle I have. I occasionally layer the shirts with cardigans and such, or occasionally a wooly-hoody. (Basically a wool-sweater look but styled like a hoodie.)

When not dressed like that I tend to wear henleys and the occasional button-down. Sometimes I'll break the pattern and be a little more casual with a blank dichromatic raglan baseball t-shirt, or a v-neck and hoodie.

I try to avoid that too much though. I'm looking to come off as a bit more stylish.
 

pdx1138

Master Don Juan
Joined
Feb 24, 2010
Messages
1,307
Reaction score
52
Have you ever tried online dating?

Some here scoff at the idea, but I used it as a stepping stone and have no problem cold approaching now.
 
Joined
Aug 26, 2012
Messages
70
Reaction score
0
Location
Trapped in her closet
Dude, you sound cool (no homo). Then I'm guessing your insecurities come from lack of social confidence. Work on that. Look at the DJ boot camp, it helps a lot.

You should spice up your fashion sense a bit more too to fit you. Make it unique.
 

Zanbato

New Member
Joined
Sep 25, 2012
Messages
9
Reaction score
0
Location
Small town
D.J.K.A:

Thanks! Where can I find this DJ boot camp you speak of?

I have a few ideas to spice it up a bit. (My fashion sense.)
 

pdx1138

Master Don Juan
Joined
Feb 24, 2010
Messages
1,307
Reaction score
52
Embracing failure is truly one of the best tips ever.

Do it enough and it won't phase you in the slightest.
 

Abcd

Senior Don Juan
Joined
Dec 20, 2002
Messages
254
Reaction score
0
Zanbato,

First of all, you're not alone in feeling extremely nervous about approaching women. That just makes you normal. I would consider myself extremely successful with women, and extremely confident, ie. I will approach women more easily than 98% of men. Everybody thinks I'm Mr. Confident. I still get extremely, extremely nervous, to the point where I have a hard time typing a girl's number into my phone without her noticing my hands shaking - seriously. So just realize this is normal.

Now, go out and approach women with the specific goal of screwing it up and getting shot down. Learn to enjoy that. You really need to learn how to feel good after a rejection. That's probably my "secret" - I walk away from a rejection feeling great, I know I tried something and that's what counts in this world. I have the same attitude in business: Failures are just the first ten steps on the path to success, and I appreciate every one. I am happy to sit down with my friends afterwards and laugh about how bad my approach was. Get used to this. They may make fun of me, but I am not the slightest bit embarrassed because know they are sitting there wishing they had the balls to get rejected.

Don't approach women drunk. A drink or two, OK, but drunk is not good, you're killing the fun of it. Rejection or success is best enjoyed sober or nearly so.

After you start enjoying the failed approaches, you'll at some point have success, I guarantee it. Most women are actually desperate: Imagine being of a gender where it is socially unacceptable for you to approach the other gender and hit on them. This is the situation women are in. Hit on the hottest ones you can find, they are the most desperate, because the only time they get approached is by drunk a-holes in clubs. A nice, confident guy coming up to them on the street during the day is like a gift from God.
 

omega05

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jul 18, 2009
Messages
658
Reaction score
10
Location
chicago
"pua scene" smh
And why do you have to cold approach? Why do you have to make yourself feel like less of a man because you can't cold approach? Why do you have to "chase tail"? How old are you?
 

Zanbato

New Member
Joined
Sep 25, 2012
Messages
9
Reaction score
0
Location
Small town
pdx1138 said:
Embracing failure is truly one of the best tips ever.

Do it enough and it won't phase you in the slightest.
True; I'm trying to get the hang of it.
 

Zanbato

New Member
Joined
Sep 25, 2012
Messages
9
Reaction score
0
Location
Small town
Abcd said:
Zanbato,

First of all, you're not alone in feeling extremely nervous about approaching women. That just makes you normal. I would consider myself extremely successful with women, and extremely confident, ie. I will approach women more easily than 98% of men. Everybody thinks I'm Mr. Confident. I still get extremely, extremely nervous, to the point where I have a hard time typing a girl's number into my phone without her noticing my hands shaking - seriously. So just realize this is normal.
You have a point. I guess there's really nothing I can do except to accept that nervousness and partial mental paralysis.


Now, go out and approach women with the specific goal of screwing it up and getting shot down. Learn to enjoy that. You really need to learn how to feel good after a rejection. That's probably my "secret" - I walk away from a rejection feeling great, I know I tried something and that's what counts in this world. I have the same attitude in business: Failures are just the first ten steps on the path to success, and I appreciate every one. I am happy to sit down with my friends afterwards and laugh about how bad my approach was. Get used to this. They may make fun of me, but I am not the slightest bit embarrassed because know they are sitting there wishing they had the balls to get rejected.
A little daunting, but I see your point there too. I guess that's really the only way to thicken my skin up a bit more.

Don't approach women drunk. A drink or two, OK, but drunk is not good, you're killing the fun of it. Rejection or success is best enjoyed sober or nearly so.

After you start enjoying the failed approaches, you'll at some point have success, I guarantee it. Most women are actually desperate: Imagine being of a gender where it is socially unacceptable for you to approach the other gender and hit on them. This is the situation women are in. Hit on the hottest ones you can find, they are the most desperate, because the only time they get approached is by drunk a-holes in clubs. A nice, confident guy coming up to them on the street during the day is like a gift from God.
I understand these things, but they are honestly the last thing on my mind when I'm out "in the field", so to speak. I automatically perceive women who I encounter during the day as all secretly hostile. If I get any kind of resistance, I immediately get urges to "Eject! Eject! Abort! Abort!"

I know that's an irrational way to think, but when I'm in the heat of the moment and my "flight or fight" kicks in, my mind does weird things over which I wish I had more control.

Some people who I've talked to about this have suggested to me that I'm projecting hostility and anger that I feel toward myself onto the women I'm approaching. I'm not sure about that.
 

Abcd

Senior Don Juan
Joined
Dec 20, 2002
Messages
254
Reaction score
0
I know that's an irrational way to think, but when I'm in the heat of the moment and my "flight or fight" kicks in, my mind does weird things over which I wish I had more control.

Some people who I've talked to about this have suggested to me that I'm projecting hostility and anger that I feel toward myself onto the women I'm approaching. I'm not sure about that.
Dude forget this psychobabble. You're not describing any mental reaction that every guy in the world doesn't have. Again, you are perfectly normal, you sound like an intelligent guy who is just over-analyzing basic human instinct.

The way to get around the fear of rejection is to go in expecting it, and come out enjoying it. I don't mean you have to walk away from a rejection feeling on top of the world. But you CAN look forward to walking away from a rejection laughing, in a self-deprecating way. You now have a funny story to tell about your latest rejection - that's normal guy stuff too. You also know that you are on a path to success, because you're actually making an effort and not allowing those reasonable human instincts (like the "flight from uncertain situations" reflex) cramp your style. The beauty of human intelligence is we can overcome our own animal instincts. Just learn to enjoy rejection at least in a theoretical sense, if not in an emotional sense, and you'll be on your way. Pretty soon it becomes enjoyable even in an emotional sense, because the rejection will seem funny and cool. You can even laugh it off right there with the girl when she rejects you - don't even need to wait until you walk away. Go get some rejections under your belt, and don't even worry about whether you are successful or not, that will eventually happen on its own just from trying enough times.
 
Joined
Sep 10, 2012
Messages
69
Reaction score
3
Hi Zanbato.

Several years ago I was starting to get deep into the PUA techniques to better myself and realized I had a incredibly tough time looking women in the eyes and approaching. I was one of those guys that could never approach but the rare times a woman approached me "Game On". How you describe this fear that women sneer at you when you look in them is purely exaggerated in your head. I know cause I thought the same way.

I'm a big proponent of writing things down as well as the psychoanalytical works of Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud. Whenever I develop a irrational fear, anger, or confusion towards a person rather singularly or people/endeavor as a whole I write down everything I feel about the person or subject. Just spew everything I feel about the thing bothering me. I did this when I was having trouble with looking women in the eye. When I tried it I felt like women actually got angry at me for looking at them so I'd quickly look away and scoot off.

Anyway I start typing away about all I felt about this fear. When I dug deep enough into my memory I remembered that when I was about 12 or 11 I got into a physical fight with a girl I was kind of attracted to at the time. I didn't attack her or anything. Just stupidly thought that tripping her with my foot would get her attention. It did alright, and she punched me in the face :) in front of a filled classroom. It more shocked me than physically hurt me. My young male pride was hurt, I was rejected in the strongest way possibly, embarrassed in front of a class full of nappy head peers, andI couldn't hit back cause if my dad found out he would kick my a$$.

It was probably the most humiliating thing to ever happen in my life, and I had been carrying it on an projecting my fears upon every woman I had met since. A great thing happened literally the next few days after writing about and remembering that experience. I start chatting up women left and right. Giving the sexy stare down, looking women up and down. My confidence was so strong that week it was the first time I gave a woman the sexy bedroom glance and cause her to break glance then later approach me. Sh1t was awesome.

I strongly suggest typing up why exactly you fear the approach. What goes through your mind when you think of doing it, does it feel familiar to another negative situation, why do you need to overcome this, etc. Until you dig deep enough in your mind to figure out a breakthru and the problem is recognized and resolved. Once that's done delete/trash the writings. This is important because the writing is a purging experience. Once the problem is identified you won't need to read what you wrote again as the problem shouldn't persist. Plus you don't want somebody reading about some old trauma you want to keep to yourself.

Anyway, that was long, but it helped me and I think you may be able to benefit from it. Good luck brotha!
 

Sloweburna707

Don Juan
Joined
Jun 19, 2012
Messages
16
Reaction score
1
My advice, over the years and i still struggle with some things myself, but have fun! practice what you will say in the mirror i know because i was a shy kid growing up. Go up to old ladies and tell them "i bet you were a fox in your days!" lol. i remember a episode of king of the hill, boomhauer he takes bobby hill to a women's shoe department store and theres a flock of women getting shoes, he asked out every worth while women he might of asked for 50 phone numbers and he left with 3! see were I'm getting at.
 
Top