"I just moved here from Florida."

That sentence contains at least five follow-up questions she WANTS you to ask. Where in Florida? What brought you here? How long have you been in the area? What do you miss? How does it compare to here?

She handed them to you on a silver platter. And you said, "Oh cool. I come here every week. I love this band. Ummm... pretty crowded tonight."

She smiled politely. Nodded. And never texted you back.

I was that guy for years. Talking too much. Listening too little. Panicking about my next sentence while she was literally feeding me the answers.

Then I found 22 rules that fixed the whole thing. Rule number one: shut up and listen. She'll tell you exactly what to say.

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Canadians: Do you wish we lived under a monarchy?

Keenan

Keenan

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How many of you would support transitioning from a democracy into a monarchy, if the proposed king was upright, wise and just, and a foolproof method was established to ensure his successor would also be of the same moral ascendancy?

If you would be in favor of this, what kind of changes would you want that king to make to our society and social climate?

What problems would you want him to solve?
 

"Stop Asking Your Friends What to Text Her"

Your buddy Dave has been single for three years and thinks "hey u up" is a valid strategy. Your other buddy Mike just got dumped and told you to "just be yourself."

You showed them her text. You asked them to decode the emoji. You drafted four responses and sent the screenshot to the group chat for a vote.

She's been waiting forty minutes.

Put the phone down. Stop crowdsourcing your love life. Type something that sounds like you. Hit send. Then go do literally anything else with your evening.

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Keenan

Keenan

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I'm surprised no one has responded.

If I were to wake up in my dream world, I would find that Canada and the USA had merged into one monarchical country and the man we know as Pook was our king.

But I've been called delusional before.
 
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