Can ex’s be friends? Are they just friends/friendly with each other?

[Becky Dee]

Sorry if I’m in the wrong place but I needed a man’s advice so I came here...

I know women say that they can be friends with an ex, but can men?

I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month.
I know he contacted his ex a few weeks ago. He couldn’t find something of his so he texted her and asked her if she had it, apparently she told him no, she didn’t have it. The next day I saw that he texted her again and asked once more about the missing item and if she had a chance to look again (I was using his laptop and his message threads appear on his Mac). Then the next day he was laughing at something. He had sent her a video of these clumsy puppies. I figured they were just friends/friendly?

A last week he had liked this post that said, “50% miss you, 50% **** you.” Sunday she texted him saying tell your mom I said happy Mother’s Day for me and he responded, “Will do. Please do the same for me.” I’ll admit I kind of peeked over when he was texting and saw this.

Backstory:
My good friend’s boyfriend is a good buddy of his (how we met) so I was made privy to a few things.

She broke up with him first 2 months ago and in the process of talking things out they got in a bad argument that night, and according to my friend, the guy I’m seeing just got angry and called it off. I do know right before the big blow he went to her mother for advice. He said he didn’t know what his ex had wanted. Then a few weeks later after he broke things off (1.5 month post the breakup she initiated…3 weeks after he called off the reconciliation/broke up with her) he contacted her about his things and then sent her the video.

I know that he posted this song ‘Desires’ by drake with the caption “been listening to this for 8 hours now”. My take on the song is it’s about a guy who is going through a breakup and talks about how things could’ve been handled differently, and how nice guy’s finish last.

Then last week he liked a post with a caption that says,

‘When someone says there’s other fish in the sea
‘My response:’

And video of a person shooting the fish. So I think it’s safe to assume it’s about her.

Our mutual friend said that he looks at her Instagram and views her posts all the time, even though she doesn’t really view his. Oh, and apparently she was his first serious girlfriend – he’s 30 by the way. Apparently, two months ago she was at his family’s house and he said he wanted to have an engagement party there.

So are they just friends/friendly?

 

[Hamurabimbi]

I was friends with my ex-. Now she’s in my bed.

 

[Becky Dee]

I was friends with my ex-. Now she’s in my bed.

Really? But maybe these two are genuinely just friendly with another?

 

[deadmasterx]

Well I think it's possible, but not exactly a good idea

If you think about break-ups, it's almost always one side breaking a deal that the couple had. Which means that while one side was losing the love feelings, the other one probably still have these feelings. How to be friends with someone you love? This sudden change of behaviour may really hurt. Usually the one who breaks always come with "but I still want to be friends with you", but it's just a way to keep the other one around before you can move on, because liking or not, the ex is still a "safe place".

Sure, if you can overcome these feelings, not run after like crazy, calling like the other one like a psycho and becoming obsessive, sounds good. But the point is, why keeping a friendship? Is a complete upside down turn on the frame you had with this person before, to the point that it's even unpleasing.

If you're smart enough and can overcome the feelings of "possession", you can be friendly and maybe even getting deeper and make some casual sex here or there, nothing wrong about that. But the hard part is overcoming these feelings, being able to "let go" and also being able to be ready to see this person with someone else. If you're dumped, it hurts your ****ing heart. If you dumped, it hurts your pride.

 

[Lumix]

Hey Becky, what are you trying to convince yourself of?

The only thing I see in your message is your complete lack of self-confidence.

You've been stalking him. You're jealous. You're afraid. Where there's fear there is no love. If one day he comes out nicely you're going to feel reassurance, not love. But what you saw is always going to lurk under the surface. Sometimes ignorance is a bliss.

Focus on yourself, not on him. Take a step back, ask yourself a few questions about your life and ask yourself what he's bringing into your life, just pain and suffering?

I never contact my exes. They are dust in the wind. And I don't accept them back in my life either.

 

[Kotaix]

I have only one ex who I'm still friends with. I think it can be done if you both realize and vocalize that the relationship doesn't work and end it amicably. If a relationship dies a slow death then you're going to break up because you've grown to hate eachother or be indifferent, at that point I've never wanted to stay friends with the woman.

 

[Becky Dee]

I have only one ex who I'm still friends with. I think it can be done if you both realize and vocalize that the relationship doesn't work and end it amicably. If a relationship dies a slow death then you're going to break up because you've grown to hate eachother or be indifferent, at that point I've never wanted to stay friends with the woman.

Well this isn’t about me, haha. It’s about a guy I’m seeing and his ex who he’s been in contact with.

 

[deadmasterx]

Well this isn’t about me, haha. It’s about a guy I’m seeing and his ex who he’s been in contact with.

Know that his ex has advantage on you because she already knows him way better than you do
What you can do is not thinking too much about it and getting obsessive. Remember that they got a STORY together, you can't intervene on it even if you want. So stay cool about it. The best way to deal with competition is focusing on your way and giving your best to archieve the results you want.

Besides, you aren't even together with him. This kind of behaviour might completely turn him off.

 

[bcude]

Becky,

You're a rebound to this guy and his mind is still occupied with his ex having doubts about his decision to breakup, are you okay with that? He has to sort those feelings out if you want something serious with him (which i assume) and you'll have to distance yourself from him while he does it and communicate that clearly.
Right now he's feeling out the temperature with his ex while having you as a safe backup.

No, there can be no genuine friendship so soon after a breakup. It's impossible when the decision was unilaterally made. After a long time when both really have moved out then yes there's a chance of some sort of a platonic kind of relationship although very rare but right now emotions are high from both, especially with nostalgia. He's looking for excuses to talk to her and it's obvious that he thinks about her alot, and not in a platonic kind of way. Exes are always a bad sign.

 

[NSX-R]

If they keep it casual and don’t talk more than 2-3 times per week means they friends with each other . Still it’s a dangerous play .

Judge him with the way he treats you. If he’s treating you right there is nothing to worry. Don’t overthink too much .

 

[StacksHitEmUp]

I once stayed friends with an ex because she was also the best friend of my best friend's girlfriend. So we were kinda forced to hang out together a lot or run into each other. The amount of times we ended up in bed together after a night out was ridiculous aswell as the amount of fights, arguments and resentment towards one another we had during those nights out. Being friends with an ex is a no-no because even if there's no feelings left, they have been there at some point and one moment can remind them of those feelings that were once there and no good will happen except animalistic sex.

 

[Becky Dee]

I don't buy it. Friends dont exist.
Big question. Who broke up with who?

She broke up with him first 2 months ago and in the process of talking things out they got in a bad argument that night, and according to my friend, the guy I’m seeing just got angry and called it off. I do know right before the big blow he went to her mother for advice. He said he didn’t know what his ex had wanted. Then a few weeks later after he broke things off (1.5 month post the breakup she initiated…3 weeks after he called off the reconciliation/broke up with her) relationship.

he contacted his ex a few weeks ago. He couldn’t find something of his so he texted her and asked her if she had it, apparently she told him no, she didn’t have it. The next day I saw that he texted her again and asked once more about the missing item and if she had a chance to look again (I was using his laptop and his message threads appear on his Mac). Then the next day he was laughing at something. He had sent her a video of these clumsy puppies. I figured they were just friends/friendly?

A last week he had liked this post that said, “50% miss you, 50% **** you.” Sunday she texted him saying tell your mom I said happy Mother’s Day for me and he responded, “Will do. Please do the same for me.” I’ll admit I kind of peeked over when he was texting and saw this.

He then posted this song ‘Desires’ by drake with the caption “been listening to this for 8 hours now”. My take on the song is it’s about a guy who is going through a breakup and talks about how things could’ve been handled differently, and how nice guy’s finish last.

Then last week he liked a post with a caption that says,

‘When someone says there’s other fish in the sea
‘My response:’

And video of a person shooting the fish. So I think it’s safe to assume it’s about her.

Our mutual friend said that he looks at her Instagram and views her posts all the time, even though she doesn’t really view his. Oh, and apparently she was his first serious girlfriend – he’s 30 by the way. Apparently, two months ago she was at his family’s house and he said he wanted to have an engagement party there.

 

[Becky Dee]

Becky,

You're a rebound to this guy and his mind is still occupied with his ex having doubts about his decision to breakup, are you okay with that? He has to sort those feelings out if you want something serious with him (which i assume) and you'll have to distance yourself from him while he does it and communicate that clearly.
Right now he's feeling out the temperature with his ex while having you as a safe backup.

No, there can be no genuine friendship so soon after a breakup. It's impossible when the decision was unilaterally made. After a long time when both really have moved out then yes there's a chance of some sort of a platonic kind of relationship although very rare but right now emotions are high from both, especially with nostalgia. He's looking for excuses to talk to her and it's obvious that he thinks about her alot, and not in a platonic kind of way. Exes are always a bad sign.

I just figured he had some lingering feelings (normal after a breakup), but that he doesn’t want her back.

 

[StacksHitEmUp]

I don't like talking this shyt with women but from a guy standpoint your a plate to him.

Exactly, I legit feel uncomfortable ratting out another brother or spilling the beans. I only do it for close female friends who I genuinely care for and I'm not trying to bang.

I'm just going to say this: Becky girl, you're too invested and by him being like this it's only going to get worse. Follow Stringpuller's advice of fully submitting to him. Show him your best self. Men are simple, all we want is to lead and for a woman to stand by our side, fully supporting us in everything while we build our empire.

 

[Becky Dee]

Sounds like a mess to me. I don't like talking this shyt with women but from a guy standpoint your a plate to him.
He has oneitis with this girl.
You can fck him if you want but i wouldnt get attached.
If you want him to yourself. Submit to him and fullfill his sexual fantasies. Cook him food and don't talk back to him unless hes out of line and it is something serious. Im talking if this guy is fcking normal and not some idiot.

how is oneitis? If he wanted her back he just would go back but he’s not.

 

[Alvafe]

how is oneitis? If he wanted her back he just would go back but he’s not.

she is the one who don't want him? but want to string along and you are a replacement?

you can be friendly with ex, but not friends with then, when a LTR ends, you need space to end things if they don't give each otehr space something IS going on, and its not friends.

this is for both sides, to move on you need to distance yourself from your ex, and by doing so it means not talking with each other for month not talking 3 times a week and that is you know off.

when a LTR end one side wanted to keep going the other not, normally the one who don't stop wasting time with a ex, when they still keep in contact its more one side want one in the line if teh new thing will not be that well or is getting something

 

[lamath]

she is the one who don't want him? but want to string along and you are a replacement?

you can be friendly with ex, but not friends with then, when a LTR ends, you need space to end things if they don't give each otehr space something IS going on, and its not friends.

this is for both sides, to move on you need to distance yourself from your ex, and by doing so it means not talking with each other for month not talking 3 times a week and that is you know off.

when a LTR end one side wanted to keep going the other not, normally the one who don't stop wasting time with a ex, when they still keep in contact its more one side want one in the line if teh new thing will not be that well or is getting something

This
Not a good signs

 

[CopperHead]

how is oneitis? If he wanted her back he just would go back but he’s not.

Most of the time, guys stay friends with girls they want to have sex with. It is a weak strategy, but one that is employed very often. I can tell you right now, if she wanted to fvck him, he would be inside her no questions asked.

I wouldn't get to attached to this guy. As @bcude stated you are probably just a rebound / back up. He is very clearly reaching out to his ex to initiate conversations and spark interest. If he was done with her, he wouldn't be sending her puppy videos.

 

[mikey2012]

No. I wouldn’t want to either. When a relationship between a man and woman ends, that’s it, it’s dead. No soft landing of being friends, even if you gotten over her. Dead. Finito. Over.

 

[Becky Dee]

she is the one who don't want him? but want to string along and you are a replacement?

you can be friendly with ex, but not friends with then, when a LTR ends, you need space to end things if they don't give each otehr space something IS going on, and its not friends.

this is for both sides, to move on you need to distance yourself from your ex, and by doing so it means not talking with each other for month not talking 3 times a week and that is you know off.

when a LTR end one side wanted to keep going the other not, normally the one who don't stop wasting time with a ex, when they still keep in contact its more one side want one in the line if teh new thing will not be that well or is getting something

Hmm but can’t it just be lingering feeling (normal after a breakup) ? If he wanted her back he would’ve gotten back with her.