Can clubbing hurt the relationship?

[DonGorgon]

Nah, better options. The question is why they feel that they have an option in the first place.

True and Mite i also suggest "different types of options"... their boy friend mite be a good guy 9 to 5'er and her boyfriend mite be a street thugg hustler type who F's her in a violent way that her husband wouldnt dream of but she loves so much....

 

[SharinganUser]

would it be stupid on my side if i ask her not to go?

YESSSS! IF you have to tell her not to go, she'll resent you for it, start lying to you and then she'll definitely cheat on you.

 

[drak_ool]

vagrant, if you ve never gone out clubbing and you worry about her going, the only solution is to go too, and have a good time. Ya, guys will be looking at your girl, even talking to her so you should keep you cool and not worry about it. she will go home with you. You ll be the one shagging her all night. So just go with her and enjoy yourself. But if you tell her not to go she will resent you for it and your insecurities about her will surface. Then, you know what they say about self-fulfilling prophecies, right?

 

[vagrant]

Finally, my girl went out clubbing where they have all these male dancers or whatever. She brought pictures that really didn't please my eyes. Told me she danced with 10 different guys. I had her talk to me and tell me all these things. I forgot how it started, but she never keep secrets to me.

I was very upset. Lost complete trust instantly. I broke up with her right away. It's just hard when you don't trust the girl.

We were in a good relationship. It was her first time going in the club. Her cousin took her there. She was crying to me telling me she wished she never went and that she'll never go again. She even hates her cousin now that I left her.

I gave her another chance. I just had to because I really want her and she really wants me too.

Was her dancing with 10 different guys in the club something I should go crazy about or is that something one should expect when you send a girl in the club?

 

[decades]

Is it okay for your girlfriend to go out clubbing with friends? I haven't been clubbing myself so I don't know what to expect in there.

sure it's okay if you want other guys grinding on your sweetie.

 

[vagrant]

sure it's okay if you want other guys grinding on your sweetie.

Alright someone tell me this. Will every girl in the club get grinded on the night they go to a club? I mean every single one? Isn't possible for a girl to go to a club and not grind with dudes? Is that how people dance in the club? I've never been in the club and I don't think I'll ever go there!~

 

[KontrollerX]

Clubbing should be absolutely out of the question during a serious relationship unless you two go there together.

If she insists on going alone or with her girlfriends tell her thats great she can go and have all the fun she wants but when she gets back she will no longer have a relationship with you.

You can't control anyone in this life but you can control yourself so at the first sign of disrespect or shady behavior you walk.

Wanting to go to a hook up spot like a club alone is the latter.

 

[vagrant]

Finally, my girl went out clubbing where they have all these male dancers or whatever. She brought pictures that really didn't please my eyes. Told me she danced with 10 different guys. I had her talk to me and tell me all these things. I forgot how it started, but she never keep secrets to me.

I was very upset. Lost complete trust instantly. I broke up with her right away. It's just hard when you don't trust the girl.

We were in a good relationship. It was her first time going in the club. Her cousin took her there. She was crying to me telling me she wished she never went and that she'll never go again. She even hates her cousin now that I left her.

I gave her another chance. I just had to because I really want her and she really wants me too.

Was her dancing with 10 different guys in the club something I should go crazy about or is that something one should expect when you send a girl in the club?

 

[KontrollerX]

For one thing that Sharinganuser guy is giving you fvcking symp/AFC advice.

Tune out his bullsh!t right this instant.

In anycase yeah her dancing with 10 other guys is something you break up over and you should still be broken up with her and persuing someone else who values you enough to not do that.

You can tell how into you a girl is by the things they will not do.

If a chick goes out and dances with 10 other guys that all want to fvck her its clear she either doesn't fear she will lose you or you are not important enough to her to keep around should you decide to leave her.

She has whined and won you back because you are weak.

Because she has whined to win you back doesn't necessarily mean that she wants you so much as she wants the validation that she can have you.

Now what you must do is monitor this joke of a relationship the two of you have so that when it goes downhill again with some shady behavior from this girl you can break it off immediately.

You must be the first one to do so or else she will break up with you and get all of the power and validation moving forward.

In fact the reason she whined to win you back may be only because she wants to be the one to break up with you and not the other way around so things will go well for a while but sooner or later her bad behavior will return.

This is when you must act first and end the relationship never letting it start ever again.

Once again a girl that is head over heels in love with you will not risk losing you by doing petty bullsh!t like this.

A girl that is head over heels for you will be on best behavior 24/7 and talk things out with you and see if you are cool with a certain thing that might be considered risky before she goes out and does it.

If you are not cool with a certain thing and she is head over heels for you she will not do it.

 

[vagrant]

I'm giving her another chance. The way she cried was something. She told me she didn't want to look like a loser on the dance floor not dancing with anyone. I told her it's cool before she went anyways but then at one point guys tried grinding on her and that's where I'm upset about.

You're right about me being weak but you would know if your girl is smokin hot. It's last strike for her though. I'm being good for her though I got plenty of chicks waiting.

I'll keep that in mind though. She's always been in best behavior 24/7 before this whole clubbing thing. For 2 years I didn't have to buy anything from clothes to ipod cuz she gives me everything. I don't take advantage. She's just a good girl like that. You can imagine what goes on when it comes to the bedroom. Pretty much anything a guy can ask for. Damn, I just can't let go of this chick.

No more clubbing for her.

Thanks for the advice X. I'm still out there trying to find out each day what a real good girl is. And like you said she would always be in good behavior in fear of losing me. So i'll keep my eyes open!~

 

[ready123]

fvck clubs. I'm wondering how you guys are gonna cope when your girlfriends get invited to bachlorette parties

if you can't trust the girl, don't LTR her

that "you can't go clubbing because you might cheat on me" usually ends up in cheating anyway. self-fulfilling prophecy at work

 

[KontrollerX]

LOL, welcome to the city of you missed the point.

Population= you.

There are some things you can trust any woman with ie "I'm going to my girlfriends place to hang out" or "my girlfriends and I are going to see a movie" or "my girlfriends and I are going out shopping on so and so day" all of that is fine.

Bars, clubs, chipndale male stripper joints however are not.

That kind of desire makes it readily apparent your girl is not ready to be in a committed relationship anyway.

And here's how you ultimately missed the point...

We don't try to be controlling nor do we don't "cope" with this behavior.

We instead control ourselves and vote with our feet by walking right out of a woman's life who desires to go to these places alone or with her girlfriends because these are just not spots a person is going to want to go to other than to hook up.

Thats what bars, clubs and chippendale strip joints exist for.

Meeting new people to fvck.

As for the bachellerette party it all depends on what they have in mind for it.

Sitting around exchanging silly gifts with various songs blaring while watching a porn video is one thing.

Going to some male strip club to touch some strippers junk thats cloaked inside a sock is quite another.

 

[ready123]

I'm thinking my definition of clubs and bars is totally different from yours. you're thinking clubs and bars, everyone goes there to get fvcked. I think hook ups are one of the reasons people go there, but people generally go there for the umbrella reason taht clubs/bars are the premiere party spots for adults - they're like house parties for those in high school

here in LA, a LOT of birthdays for 20 somethings are celebrated in clubs and upscale bars, single or not. most of the cool venues I've been introduced to over the past couple years, if not through promoter friends, have been through social circle parties. I was at Pure in Vegas last weekend for a b-day party. nobody was trying to get fvcked, a lot of couples in the group - nobody had a problem. everyone just wanted to drink and enjoy chillin in a venue that's normally a pain in the ass to get in

girls nights out = hit up clubs or bars. reasons = dancing, drinking, not necessarily to get fvcked

unless they're boring prude girls, bachelorette parties are not sitting at home watching porn videos. if they're at a house or hotel room, then they'll probably have a stripper there, male or female, sometimes both. if not, they're going out to clubs or bars peacocking like crazy with tiaras shaped like dcks on their head. a lot of bachelorette parties in Southern CA involve the girls driving to Vegas, getting into some exclusive club over there and just partying. what would you tell your fiance? we're not getting married no more... because girls go to clubs to hook up, therefore I know you're going to vegas to cheat on me. your ass will get laughed at. even your friends will laugh at your ass because that's just so insecure it's ridiculous

this is the reality from the POV of someone who hits up clubs and bars every weekend

and my mentality with respect to LTR's is, you're not always gonna be there to watchdog your girl. if you cannot trust her when guys are hitting on her - I don't give a fvck if it's in a club/bar, in the mall, or at her work. if you can't trust her to the point you gotta make a big deal out of it and put her on lockdown, then your relationship already has issues. both of you guys should end it and learn to qualify to get that trust donw before you jump in an LTR

 

[KontrollerX]

"what would you tell your fiance? we're not getting married no more... because girls go to clubs to hook up, therefore I know you're going to vegas to cheat on me. your ass will get laughed at. even your friends will laugh at your ass because that's just so insecure it's ridiculous"

Well for one thing if I were the serious relationship getting into type (I'm not) the girl would not be early 20's or in her early party years as your entire post just now laid out.

It would be someone who is ready to "settle down" and all that this term entails ie calmness, done with partying, done with drinking oneself under the table, done with excessive amounts of excitement and cheap thrills seeking.

Basically ready for a long lasting mature adult relationship which I doubt any of the "couples" you've seen in the clubs, bars, what have you are truly ready for or are even in.

If we both still post here in 10 years do make a post confirming any of the current relationships that you know of which have stood the test of time from the couples you mentioned to me in the last post. I doubt any of them will because these are young kids you've just described well into their party years and hooking up phase and they are regularly hanging out at just the right places to find new people to fvck as I already said.

Because a room of them were "chillin" one night at such a place and not lookin to get fvcked "that night" doesn't mean there won't be many other nights they come back to the same club on the hunt for someone behind their partners back because once again thats what these clubs are for primarily. I mean sure you can do other things at a club than just look to hook up just like you can probably get a hamburger at certain strip clubs but that doesn't mean the strip club is primarily about serving up fast food. Its there to stare at t!tties and for DonGorgon to lose all of his money.

As for laughing at me or anyone else for ditching some chick because she wants to go to the club with her girlfriends to hook up with some randoms?

Are you kidding me dude?

Most AFC's I've known would be in awe that I would actually put my foot down and not give into some hot chicks whims just so I can "hang on to my queen, the precious little beautiful flower".

Fvck that sh!t. I am the prize. Not her. I lead, she follows, or not, period.

I still don't think you get that its not insecurity to walk away when someone stops behaving how you'd like them to behave.

Thats not insecurity at all.

That is practicality and maturity sir.

I concede though that we just have different ways of looking at this.

 

[Axcell]

Wow, KontrollerX has some nice points on there.
+1.

 

[ready123]

I'll share a few thoughts before I bounce. Got some studying to do

first of all I'm 29. all my friends that are couples are mid 20's to mid 30's. most own houses and are well into their careers. that's kinda ridiculous you're comparing them to party girls. and you can't predict the outcome of their LTR's based on the fact they go clubbing

I never even told you anything about the depth or quality of their relationships. all I told you was they went clubbing.... on their birthday, lol. c'mon, that doesn't tell you sht about a couple

I would clown anyone for droppin a girl in an LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP for wanting to go a club with her homegirls because she hasn't explicitly done anything yet to break your trust. You can make the prizing argument but to me it stems out of insecurity from the fear of getting cheated on. you can try to rationalize that insecurity by repeating I am the Prize I am the Prize over and over but I still don't buy it

if you guys can prove my way of thinking is wrong and back it up with experience, I'm open. real LTR experiences though, with a genuine shared reality. 3 month fvck bvddies don't count


EDIT:
one thing that just popped into my head is that we might have different approaches on how to maintain an LTR. Me personally it's nothing for me to let my girl go clubbing. If she can go out there and come back without cheating, it just reaffirms the trust and solidarity int he relationship. If she fvcks up, then I drop her and move on (and I've done this before). I don't want to ever have to police a girl because I really don't have the energy, and it turns the relationship into a burden for me.

I think the key difference between me and you is that you're willing to drop a girl before she cheats, and I'll wait til after. It's the before thing that I don't get, but who knows. Everyone on this site has a different dating past that influenced whatever game and LTR model they have in their head

 

[KontrollerX]

I'll try to explain it for you yet again and I think I have an answer you may possibly understand this time.

The answer is framing...

A real man sets the frame for the type of relationship he wants to have and when a woman deviates from that he sends her on her way with a smile on his face because he fully knows himself, what he wants in life and is comfortable with that and will not compromise his personal integrity just to keep her.

As for prizing you can scream insecurity all day long but in reality the man who sets the frame for the relationship and views himself as the prize always comes out the winner even when AFC's think he lost.

After all if you have decided on a list of characteristics and behaviors you'd like to see in your partner but the current partner is behaving contrary to that isn't it the DJ thing to do to get rid of this person and go after what you actually want?

I'd say that it is.

So I think where you and I differ is in our individual frames.

Mine does not allow clubbing alone or other shady establishments for hooking up without the partner present and in my frame I walk if it becomes apparent this is more important for the partner to have than to stay within my frame.

Your frame from what I can tell is anything goes and thats perfectly fine if thats how you want to live your life.

Personally I think your frame is flawed in that it never has you taking a stand or showing any b@lls at all in the relationship and as we all know women cannot stand weak men.

Also the other flaw that I thought about is a woman likes to fantasize that she is cared about and loved and what helps to generate this fantasy in their minds is restrictions put on them in order to maintain the relationship with you which you have none of. This can lead to girl eventually laying the "you don't love me speech" on you giving you quite a hassle in ego repairing if you'd like to maintain the relationship.

 

[ready123]

I agree with leading the girl (setting the frame) and I also agree with having a boundary of acceptable behavior. But my approach to LTR's isn't anything goes - I just set the boundary differently

I set it by vocalizing what is acceptable to me and what isn't when I'm qualifying her long before the LTR, expressing a good kind of jealousy/concern when these special situations come up, but I also subcommunicate I will walk away if she messes up. Doing all that circumvents those issues you listed. I don't police the girl or put her on lockdown though. I also don't next her when she hasn't cheated yet... it's just counter-intuitive to me

And the restrictions can go both ways. I mentioned self-fulfilling prophecy where a guy thinks a girl is gonna cheat if she goes out to clubs, frames the relationship so she can't go out to clubs, she accepts the frame but grows unhappy, and ends up cheating because of the unhappiness.

Anyway, if you're qualifying for the type of woman who's not into the nightlife scene, that's fine. For me, clubs and bars are so ubiquitous here in LA, those standards would eliminate a lot of women well into their 30's regardless of LTR potential. Plus I enjoy going out to those types of venues. Maybe it's a regional thing, who knows

 

[vagrant]

I like the discussion you two are having. Me and my girl talked about the situation. She promised to behave. I told her it's her last chance. She make another decision that can ruin us and I won't even say a thing.

It's really hard for me to let go, especially a hot chick like her. I just don't feel like giving her away. So, I gave her one more chance. Yeah, oneitis I guess. It's cool. I like being in a relationship with one cool chick anyways, than have different ones everyday. I'm happier that way. But yeah, after our little conversation, I feel our relationship got a little stronger. Thanks for the advice

 

[DonGorgon]

"what would you tell your fiance? we're not getting married no more... because girls go to clubs to hook up, therefore I know you're going to vegas to cheat on me. your ass will get laughed at. even your friends will laugh at your ass because that's just so insecure it's ridiculous".

Yeh he will get laughed at ... but mainly for not playing the game... she will hook up and cheat but that is unavoidable and time should not be wasted trying to prevent it...

Instead..

He should be doing his own things, traveling leaving her wondering what he is doing...

Its all about power and the person who cares more tends to worry more and have less power and less respect... So he need to pretend that he does not care what she does when she goes hoing with friends ... It wont stop her from hoing but it will ... it will... well im not sure what it will do of any real use...LOL