Can a loner turn things around and actually put up with a female?

[StrayCat]

I think this might be my biggest hurdle. I've been focused so many years on my own life and going my own way, perhaps it's working against me? I've tried relationships and dating, but I am often told I am cold at times, aloft and not paying much attention. It seems I like the chase to get them, if we have sex, great and that's good for a bit, and then I tire of them. I sometimes feel bad because it seems like I am using them for sex; which I do not like to come across as. I cannot think of one relationship I had where either they broke it off or I just walked away. More towards the later. I also sometimes wonder since two of them broke it off with me, I feel perhaps my mind and heart have prevented me from forming any feelings towards them. Example, I had three dates this week, 26, 30, 39. All of them were very touchy and one even asked me back to her place last night, but I pulled back. The other two text me daily or every other day. I am seeing one of them on Sunday and the other one on Monday after work. She even asked can I kiss you amongst other things; and I thought that was a bit direct, but I texted back sure lol. The first one got pissed that I said I couldn't see her until next week, and said you're seriously going to make me wait all that time to see you. I said, I will be away with prior plans. She just replied, whatever.

So, due to my self conditioning as a loner, am I just too distant and not giving them enough attention? I must be doing something wrong, or is my mind playing tricks on me where I am second guessing myself? I will say, since losing a lot of weight, the females seem more attracted to me; which can be annoying as well. I sometimes think they are fooling around with my emotions when they say I am better looking in person, attractive and hot. So I just say thanks and change the subject. Since I've never been called that before, I feel very awkward when that is told to me, and I feel it is fake or trying to get me to say the same about them; which I do not. Not because I do not find them attractive, it's that I do not want to validate. I also now meditate every other day, so maybe that has me more control of my emotions?

I was reading this, and that I why I thought I was more of a loner by default.

http://www.puckermob.com/lifestyle/13-things-loners-do-differently-when-dating

Maybe something is wrong with me? Certainly not average or normal it seems.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Put up with?

 

[zekko]

I'm very much a loner and introvert at heart, but I enjoy living with my girlfriend (has to be the right girl though). So if I can do that, seems like you can do whatever it is you're trying to do. It does sound like you're not used to socializing much. Maybe you could work on desensitizing yourself to that, trying to socialize more, get out of your comfort zone a little.

 

[Red Legg]

Lifelong loner here....I actually enjoy the absence of a woman in my life now,I enjoy my relationship with God much more.I actually have peace and joy now and Jesus does not play games.I have been blessed beyond measure.I was an advanced player (before I was called to Christ) and palyed the game very well but it brought nothing to the table.If I run into a Christian lady I will start Christian dating (no sex before marriage) but right now I am happy as a lark.( 1 Corinthians 7:1 )

 

[Billtx49]

I think this might be my biggest hurdle. I've been focused so many years on my own life and going my own way, perhaps it's working against me? I've tried relationships and dating, but I am often told I am cold at times, aloft and not paying much attention. It seems I like the chase to get them, if we have sex, great and that's good for a bit, and then I tire of them. I sometimes feel bad because it seems like I am using them for sex; which I do not like to come across as. I cannot think of one relationship I had where either they broke it off or I just walked away. More towards the later. I also sometimes wonder since two of them broke it off with me, I feel perhaps my mind and heart have prevented me from forming any feelings towards them. Example, I had three dates this week, 26, 30, 39. All of them were very touchy and one even asked me back to her place last night, but I pulled back. The other two text me daily or every other day. I am seeing one of them on Sunday and the other one on Monday after work. She even asked can I kiss you amongst other things; and I thought that was a bit direct, but I texted back sure lol. The first one got pissed that I said I couldn't see her until next week, and said you're seriously going to make me wait all that time to see you. I said, I will be away with prior plans. She just replied, whatever.

So, due to my self conditioning as a loner, am I just too distant and not giving them enough attention? I must be doing something wrong, or is my mind playing tricks on me where I am second guessing myself? I will say, since losing a lot of weight, the females seem more attracted to me; which can be annoying as well. I sometimes think they are fooling around with my emotions when they say I am better looking in person, attractive and hot. So I just say thanks and change the subject. Since I've never been called that before, I feel very awkward when that is told to me, and I feel it is fake or trying to get me to say the same about them; which I do not. Not because I do not find them attractive, it's that I do not want to validate. I also now meditate every other day, so maybe that has me more control of my emotions?

I was reading this, and that I why I thought I was more of a loner by default.

http://www.puckermob.com/lifestyle/13-things-loners-do-differently-when-dating

Maybe something is wrong with me? Certainly not average or normal it seems.

The only thing wrong with you is your own internal self image, do Not defeat younself before you start with a female…

 

[StrayCat]

Put up with?

Possibly worded it incorrectly. Since I am so used to solitude, they would need to put up with my quirky solitude needs. I find when I start to date a a plate, they start to contact me all the time and sometimes say they've never been with a guy who communicates so infrequently.

 

[StrayCat]

I'm very much a loner and introvert at heart, but I enjoy living with my girlfriend (has to be the right girl though). So if I can do that, seems like you can do whatever it is you're trying to do. It does sound like you're not used to socializing much. Maybe you could work on desensitizing yourself to that, trying to socialize more, get out of your comfort zone a little.

I used to socialize in HS and college. All those people are now married and gone. So, when they got into serious relationships or marriage, I was stuck and jut grew into entertaining myself and keeping busy. Built a few successful businesses, but social life went into the trash like a nosedive. When I tried to turn things around socially in my late 30's, I was unsuccessful. It is even more pitiful in my 40's.

 

[StrayCat]

Lifelong loner here....I actually enjoy the absence of a woman in my life now,I enjoy my relationship with God much more.I actually have peace and joy now and Jesus does not play games.I have been blessed beyond measure.I was an advanced player (before I was called to Christ) and palyed the game very well but it brought nothing to the table.If I run into a Christian lady I will start Christian dating (no sex before marriage) but right now I am happy as a lark.( 1 Corinthians 7:1 )

Interesting perspective. I gave up on faith a long time ago. I was never a player, but family trauma most likely caused me to go into a solitude state of mind. I mean, no one would know I am a loner. It's more like a forced anti-social behavior. When I want to go out and be social, I fit in, but I usually just do not want to. Even with women, two women on the first and second date wanted to see me more and invited me over to their apt. The first one I wasn't that attractive to, but the second one was. I had a presentation the next day, so I had to work on that. I guess I always put business and non social activities ahead of social and now I am paying for it. Nothing wrong with faith, it's just not my cup of tea. When you go through the hell that my family went through as a kid and a teen, it's hard to believe in a higher power.

Since you've already had sex, you are no longer a virgin. What's the point in waiting until marriage? Seems a bit out of place.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I used to socialize in HS and college. All those people are now married and gone. So, when they got into serious relationships or marriage, I was stuck and jut grew into entertaining myself and keeping busy. Built a few successful businesses, but social life went into the trash like a nosedive. When I tried to turn things around socially in my late 30's, I was unsuccessful. It is even more pitiful in my 40's.

From the high level view whats required to add to your social life? How much extra do you need?

 

[StrayCat]

The only thing wrong with you is your own internal self image, do Not defeat younself before you start with a female…

Family had a lot of legal issues which prevented me from forming lasting friendships in elementary school and high school so I hung out with some shady people who would deal with me and didn't judge me. Never did anything illegal, but was never able to date or have sex in those years. Wasn't overweight or ugly, but couldn't get a date even to prom. Asked 4 girls out, all said no, so I gave up til college. No luck there, so was a virgin until late 20's. Things in the sex dept. picked up around 30, and I seem to get attention now. I just still remember those hard times and I just say to myself it fruitless to proceed so I just entertain myself with books, movies building things and of course work. I get lonely once and awhile, but those feelings are usually suppressed. I tried marriage, she was horrible to me, so I filed for divorce and left. I am trying to understand the reasoning to do all this work for just to have sex. Seems pointless and a waste at times. I will say I do enjoy a girl's company, but they become complicated and difficult usually. I also don't take orders well. When they start being demanding or bytchy, I just walk away and block them. I try to live a stress free life outside of work.

This is why perhaps something is wrong with me. Perhaps I lack empathy or emotion or something.

 

[StrayCat]

From the high level view whats required to add to your social life? How much extra do you need?

Friends, social events, etc. I really do not have family, so I am on my own. I feel something is missing in life, just not sure.

 

[Red Legg]

. I feel something is missing in life, just not sure.

You said in another post that you "gave up on faith a long time ago" we all go through tough times that drag us down myself included.I gave up on God for a while.Christ does have to "draw" you for you to believe in him (John 6:44) so God actually makes the first step in salvation.May I suggest reading the bible and start praying for God's guidance....seek and you shall find (Matthew 7:7)

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Friends, social events, etc. I really do not have family, so I am on my own. I feel something is missing in life, just not sure.

You cant rush it. Many of us are in the same boat. Divorce breakup people choose sides. Some of my activities and groups have been extended family.