Came a long way, but still hesitant over past failure

[321montross]

Hey all,

I'm in a situation that I'm sure I've psyched myself out over.

About a year and a half ago I was a virgin (I'm now newly 25) who didn't really have any idea/confidence how to initiate with a girl in a sexual way. In college I started to come out of my shell and had a few lady friends and wasn't nervous around girls at all really. But...sexually speaking I was out of my comfort zone/had no clue.

So, back to a little more than a year and a half ago: I lived and studied in a very large city overseas and met a cute local girl (just few months my elder). We hit it off and within a few weeks I spend a few nights ( total of 3) at her apartment. Short story is that I never initiated anything besides back massages and a few boob grabs. Ugh, I just kind of stopped cold each time and just started chatting. She gave oh so obvious signs that she wanted me, but I just didn't know what to do. Well, after the third time of me wimping out she had had it and basically told me we cant be close anymore and that she doesn't feel strongly for me anymore. I don't blame her..I gave her conflicting signals..she probably thought I rejected her. and she probably thought I was a virgin (ding ding). Once she said she lost interest I made it known to her that I did really like her, but that didn't do much. I'm sure she thought to herself, "you say you like me but you cant even have sex with me, come on."

We hung out together in small groups of friends twice somewhat shortly after that, but contact then cut off.

Now, it's been nearly 16 months since I have had ANY contact with her. I'm aware she is still in the city and I'm sure she knows I am too ( becuz we are connected via social networking).

In last 16 months I've changed a lot... I worked with a company for a year, had a 7 month relationship and also have been with a few other girls sexually. I have a pretty good network of local and foreign friends that are important to me. I'm more independent and definitely much more confident.

**I want to contact her and just get back in touch, but I feel I'm in the lower position, the inferior position when dealing with her. The last year plus has been good for me, but I'm tripping over how I can get back in touch and kind of even things up with this girl. It's kind of bothering me and bringing up memories of my inexperienced past, sort of like around everyone else I'm my more mature, natural confident self but around her I will feel like I'm still an inexperienced small boy maybe.


I won't lie, it would be nice to reignite some kind of attraction again, but also I'm just mad curious about how she is, how she's changed and how she could notice I've changed.

Could you dudes give me some straight advice or suggestions? I kind of feel that I revert back to my unsure ways when I think about contacting her...like somehow I will drop dead of embarrassment as soon as I reach out to chat with her.

Thanks guys, appreciate the read.

 

[Chamber36]

No Contact is the way to go.


I would continue working on myself. 16 months is nothing imo. She probably wouldn't even notice a change if you met her in 3 years time.

There's no point qualifying yourself to her. She is not the one who is to tell you whether you're "good enough". So find other women first who give you the confidence you need.

Remember confidence comes from experience. So go out, approach women, talk to them, make them laugh, and escalate as far as you can.

I can also give you the advice: Never act from a position of insecurity.

So you wanting to contact her out of sheer neediness = not done.

 

[321montross]

Thanks for the response Chamber36...I agree with your point. However my situation is not one of "neediness" or being viewed as "good enough".

I guess it is partly my fault for not making it more clear. I'm not actually insecure about this...16 months is a big amount of time...a lot has changed for me it would be a bit of a relief for me to challenge myself to reconnect with someone who I'm curious about.. and to try to atone for my previous inexperience towards her.

Am I wasting time believing I can reconnect with her and reignite some sort of attraction? I'm not saying I like her or will like her..but I want to see. I'm curious.

Sure, she hasn't contacted me for 16 months, but I don't care..I'll initiate and at least give it a shot.

 

[RedZone]

You shouldn't fear your failures. You just have to learn from them. Just think of a great qb on football...more often than not they can win the game for their team with less than a minute renaming. Now most of that is talent but it also comes with experience. They know what to do in a certain situation because they have been through it before. The only way you can get to that point is to go out there and create experiences.

 

[321montross]

Yeah, facing fear is something I got to do in this situation...see how it plays out.

We are in the same city as I mentioned in the first post...

I will just send her a simple text wondering if it's her number and what's she been doing (I know it is), and then go from there.