Busted

[yul]

this is my first post. Been reading theses forums for many months now so, hi everyone.

I had an evening planned last night with my workmates and had told my gf about it a few days ago. When we finally left that given pub at around 10H30PM, I was already tipsy and headed back to my home with my 2 friends.

We stopped home, said hi to my gf and told her I was going to bring my friends back home but in fact I was only picking up my car and some weed from my "occasionnal" stash.

We then went near my friends home but headed to the topless dancers instead. This is something I do about once every 2 years and my gf hates it very much.

At around 2H30AM, I brought my mates back home and headed back to my place.

I expectd my gf to be asleep since I had already been home but instead, she was going nuts. She thought I had an accident.

I later found out that she was calling at my workmates homes and speaking to the othe gf's and ended up freaking them out too and wondering about our wherabouts. When I dropped my first pal home, he told everything to her gf and she immediately called back my gf and told everything to her.

I havent spoken to her all that much since yesterday but she said I am in big trouble.

Our couple is 5 years old. We usually get along fine without much dramas. Our sex life is **** for many reasons and this is partly why I wanted to go to the topless while I wait patiently for weeks for her to get in the mood . I am working very hard on this relationship but felt I needed a break last night.

That being said, I have to admit that driving drunk, not telling her about my doings straight ahead and also smoking is very irresponsible.

Was shold I do ?
Tell her I am sorry ? (I am mostly sorry not having told her I where I was going.)

Just want to make this bad dream go away.

This is the 2nd time I havent fully told her my doings in a similar situation in the past 5 years and she hates it. I cant help not to tell her becauase she will obviously object.

 

[earthshyne]

Tell her the truth. Yes, driving after a few was not the smartest move you've ever made, but it's also not worthy of a life sentence.

This may be more about control than about concern. If concern for your safety was really an issue, then she'd be thankful and loving that you got home safely. That wouldn't excuse your behaviour, but it would go a long way in understanding her motivations.

It may be important to ask yourself, too, how you would have felt in her situation. What would it do to your self-esteem if she had driven while intoxicated and been flirting with strangers all night long? (I grant you that you didn't flirt with the girlz at the topless bar, but in her mind that's probably the conclusion she drew.)

So what I see from this limited outline of the situation is that there's a trust issue which she feels, rightly or wrongly, that you may have breached, at least partially.

If you're looking for advice, here it is: Deal with it straight-up, be honest. Once it's over, it's over and not to be brought up again. If she cannot agree with that - that is, if she continually brings it up everytime you and her have a spat - then I strongly suggest getting that sorted out through counselling or some other means, unless of course you relish the idea of hearing that argument for the rest of your life.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

 

[yul]

Thanks for reading.
I will keep you posted.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Originally posted by yul
Our couple is 5 years old. We usually get along fine without much dramas. Our sex life is **** for many reasons and this is partly why I wanted to go to the topless while I wait patiently for weeks for her to get in the mood . I am working very hard on this relationship but felt I needed a break last night.

Does 'working hard' equal waiting for her to get in the mood? I wonder how hard she is 'working' to get in the mood for you?

Let's face some facts here; you've been with this woman for 5 years, you need sex and she isn't accomodating you, it got to the point where you wanted to finally scratch the itch and see some teats inspite of knowing full well how she'd react. My friend, you need something that you're not getting with this b!tch and you'll only repeat this behavior again after she 'cools down'. A guy between the ages of 25-30 isn't going to make a good celibate. Now you feel 'baaaad' for doing what you wanted to do anyway.

It's time to pull the tooth man. It's only going to rot in your mouth the longer it stays in. You're not married to her and likely wont be and this is a good thing. However, judging from your post, you seem to have accepted the accountability of marriage and she (like a typical wife) witholds sex from you.

You're 'working' on your relationship and when guys use this terminology it usually amounts to the guy trying to figure out the magic formula of accomdating and compromising himself to her expectations of him in order to get her to put out once in a blue moon. Stop it! Pull the tooth now. You're wasting time. You're 30 now and you've been with her since you were 25! My God. Think of all the wasted opportunities you've passed trying to get this girl to be what you want her to be. Time to leave the (dis)comfort zone. When you think about it, what's more 'work'? Trying to figure out her combination to get her to put out or meeting new women and hooking up with them? You wont fix your relationship by working on it when she has no desire for you. And that's what it comes down to - desire. If a woman wants to have sex she'll find a way to fvck. If she's holding out on you after 5 years, she doesn't have much desire to have sex with you. It's long since time you got out of this and the behavior you've described in your post is just a manifestation of this.

 

[Royal Elite]

Somewhere between turning 18 and reaching 30 you forgot you are a grown man. As a grown man you can stay out as long as you want too-children have curfews. You can go anywhere you want-clubs say under 18 not admitted.

I dont understand how a 30 year old Man can "be in trouble" unless its with the law, since they have the "power" to actually do something to you.

What you need to do is stop asking, and wondering "what you need to do" and start being grown. This starts by letting everyone in your life who dont seem to know that you are grown know that you are a "grown man". If she dont like it, well she is a grown woman and will have to figure out what she is going to do.

 

[NewMan]

Welcome to the DJ site.

Listen to some of the advice you've got.

The problem is your not getting any.

Your trying to do what you can to make her happy - thinking (wrongly) that if your nice - and accomodating, she's going to reward you with sex.

Are you a dog????

Your not getting what you need and want from her.

Time to man up.

Vocalize the problem - and tell her what you intend.

You want sex regularly. If she is not willing to accomodate you - you will find pleasure - elsewhere.

That sir is your problem.

you are a symph.

Will you do it? nope.

You will languish and appologise to this women until she finally forgives you.

Then you will do your best to make her happyu - in the hope that shje will put out.

She will not.

She will start to lose all respect for you - because you are no longer a man.

She will leave you.

She will find another guy - who she immediately fvcks the sh#t out of....

You will be depressed for a while until you finally see the light.

Your choice.

Pick your path.

 

[Wyldfire]

Although it's both uncool and unfair for her to not give him sex, it's equally uncool and unfair for him to lie so casually as he did. I somehow suspect that the two issues are related. Whether the woman refused sex first or he made a habit of lying first doesn't really matter at this point. As a woman I will say this much...seeing as she already doesn't want sex, lying and doing things to make her trust you even less isn't going to help the situation any....it'll just make it worse. Try talking to her and telling her you want more sex and find out why it is she doesn't want to give it to you. That's the only way to stand any chance at changing the situation...if it can be changed at this point.

Good luck...and if you're gonna drink...don't get behind the wheel. If you wrap your car around a tree and end up in a wheelchair, you won't even be able to have sex if she did want it.

 

[yul]

good stuff guys.

I am usually 99.9% honest on most topics of my life with her.

Never seriously lied to her although she thinks this time was a real fraud on my behalf because I knew my intentions and didnt tell her. She's right this time I guess.

I also told her that I probably would have stayed home if our sex life was a little more balanced because the topless wouldnt be so attractive. No she really freaked out !

She says now that she doesnt recognise me(crying). She never thought I was able of such wrong doing...like the others.

Anyways. She fckin nuts and crying and everything. I told her I have been patient for the past few years about the sex life and Idont think me going to the strippers this one time is such a bad thing.

 

[NewMan]

Wylde

He goes to strip joints once every 2 years.......

Ig she piss@d at him for 2 yrs then he needs to get out.

If she put out more often - I'd wager he wouldn't even want to go to strip clubs.

Whatever the reason - if she doesn't want to fvck him - she should leave.

I wonder if he stopped paying for dinners and the like if SHE would wait paitiently for several weeks for him to take her out.

Yeah I figured.

 

[Good_ol_boy]

"...it's equally uncool and unfair for him to lie so casually as he did"

Wyld,
I don't think he was lying to her to be devious, I think he was lying in order to avoid confrontation.
(I tend to agree with your posts about 99% of the time.) Instead of lying, he needs to "sack up" and be a man. If he is in a situation where he is unhappy, he needs to bail. When he does something he wants to do then is "in trouble" he is in a relationship that is doomed, whether he stays in it or not. This boy is P Whipped, no question about it. I am not one of those who "next" at the drop of a hat, I'll actually work at a relationship, but if he is the only one "working on the relationship" it's gone!

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by NewMan
Wylde

He goes to strip joints once every 2 years.......

Ig she piss@d at him for 2 yrs then he needs to get out.

If she put out more often - I'd wager he wouldn't even want to go to strip clubs.

Whatever the reason - if she doesn't want to fvck him - she should leave.

I wonder if he stopped paying for dinners and the like if SHE would wait paitiently for several weeks for him to take her out.

Yeah I figured.

It doesn't have anything to do with strip bars. And I agree that she's wrong for not giving him enough sex. At the same time there has to be something going on that she isn't happy with that is leading her to not want sex. If he wants to resolve this then they need to have a serious talk and sort out why she doesn't want sex. There COULD be something he's doing that is contributing to her not wanting it. IF there is (not saying it's all his fault, only that he should see if he's making mistakes) then he should want to sort it out.

And the lying I was referring to is him leading her to believe he was going to be right back and then being gone for hours longer. It doesn't matter where he went.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by Good_ol_boy
"...it's equally uncool and unfair for him to lie so casually as he did"

Wyld,
I don't think he was lying to her to be devious, I think he was lying in order to avoid confrontation.
(I tend to agree with your posts about 99% of the time.) Instead of lying, he needs to "sack up" and be a man. If he is in a situation where he is unhappy, he needs to bail. When he does something he wants to do then is "in trouble" he is in a relationship that is doomed, whether he stays in it or not. This boy is P Whipped, no question about it. I am not one of those who "next" at the drop of a hat, I'll actually work at a relationship, but if he is the only one "working on the relationship" it's gone!

Oh, I agree he was lying to avoid confrontation, IF it was even necessary. But that doesn't change the fact that he lied.

As far as him "working on the relationship", I'm hesitant to buy that. My guess would be that they're both so caught up in the power struggle and resentment towards each other that neither one of them are making much of an effort to fix things. The way I see it is that he either has to sit down and have a long talk with her where BOTH of them are willing to put all their effort into fixing things or they should just call it quits. She's not going to magically want sex out of the blue...especially if she resents him. He's not going to stop lying to avoid confrontation until she stops resenting him so much that she feels compelled to rag on him all the time.

 

[yul]

Originally posted by Wyldfire
there has to be something going on that she isn't happy with that is leading her to not want sex.

My guess is that she never got back from the day I told her she should shape up a bit and take care of herself a little more because she isnt the girl I once met. Even though I love her, I think that she needs to work a bit on her appearance because she let herself go quite a bit after those years.

She gained sh1t load of weight and could help having my say.
That was basically the end of the initial flame.

We still do it once in a blue moon though and she is shaping up and training but there is a long way left to go.

she has a lot of resentment towards me because of this.

 

[yul]

Originally posted by Wyldfire
As far as him "working on the relationship", I'm hesitant to buy that.

I tell her she is beautiful
I tell her I love her
I am ALWAYS thankful for all her doings (washing, cooking etc...)
I kiss her every morning
I dont usually lie (except last night)
I take her out often
I have my take at cleaning the house (washing clothes, vacuum, mop)
I will be giving her a car in 2 weeks
I wash her back in the tub
I massage her hands sometimes
I ask if there is anthing wrong she would like to share etc...

I know I should be doing way more house chores because she says she is completely overwhelmed but I cant understand how.

etc...

 

[Royal Elite]

Originally posted by Wyldfire


And the lying I was referring to is him leading her to believe he was going to be right back and then being gone for hours longer. It doesn't matter where he went.

The problem with you lying is simply because you are a grown a man and you can do whatever you want so there is no need to lie to a broad, tell her where you are going or dont tell her a damn thing.

As for the part about saying you were going to be right back, as I said dont lie to a chicksince you're grown there's no need too, and if you changed your mind and went somewhere else so be it.

Remember you are grown and can stay out as long as you want to, and you dont have to ask anyone's permission to do it.

She's your girl not your mother.

 

[Royal Elite]

Originally posted by yul
I tell her she is beautiful
I tell her I love her
I am ALWAYS thankful for all her doings (washing, cooking etc...)
I kiss her every morning
I dont usually lie (except last night)
I take her out often
I have my take at cleaning the house (washing clothes, vacuum, mop)
I will be giving her a car in 2 weeks
I wash her back in the tub
I massage her hands sometimes
I ask if there is anthing wrong she would like to share etc...

I know I should be doing way more house chores because she says she is completely overwhelmed but I cant understand how.

etc...

Forget my last post because after reading this it's obvious you are grown but you damn sure arent a man. No wonder she doesn't give you any you're like her child not her man.

Does friday nights include a round of pin the leash on you as you jump through loops for her friends to watch and judge as your balls sit in a glass jar on the table for exhibit.

Man up homey.

 

[yul]

Originally posted by Royal Elite

Man up homey.

What do you recommend then ?
What other ways would you have at working at the relationship?

No really, I am very curious.

Should I ditch her ?
Stop doing all this ?
Do something else ?

I can be very strict and firm too you know. Maybe not as much as required.

I want to hear your take.

Thanks
;-)

 

[Royal Elite]

Originally posted by yul
What do you recommend then ?
What other ways would you have at working at the relationship?

No really, I am very curious.

Should I ditch her ?
Stop doing all this ?
Do something else ?

I can be very strict and firm too you know. Maybe not as much as required.

I want to hear your take.

Thanks
;-)

You need to do things because you want to do them, not because it might make her changer her attitude.

According to what you posted you seem to be the only one giving, dont do any extra stuff. You are the man, she should be chasing you not the other way around all the time.

It's not really about the things you are or not doing, you need to change your entire attitude. Dont be anybody's toy to be played with when they feel. There are plenty of other women out there who will be more accomadating to you, and you need to realize this.

Attitude plays a huge part in how people treat you. What I get from your post is that you dont have enough confidence. If you are cleaning just because "you" hate dirt there is nothing wrong with that, but if you are doing it to appease her there is a problem.

Be you, dont change for a woman unless you feel whatever she is saying is right. I mean "you" feel it is right for right sake and not just because she said it.

Women dont respect men who dont do what they really feel is right. If "you" dont see nothing wrong with going to a strip club let her knwo that, and if she ask why it's simple "you are grown".

Being a man means doing whatever you feel is right, as long as it isn't violating anyone else's rights.

 

[yul]

thanks.

I do hate dirt.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by yul
My guess is that she never got back from the day I told her she should shape up a bit and take care of herself a little more because she isnt the girl I once met. Even though I love her, I think that she needs to work a bit on her appearance because she let herself go quite a bit after those years.

She gained sh1t load of weight and could help having my say.
That was basically the end of the initial flame.

We still do it once in a blue moon though and she is shaping up and training but there is a long way left to go.

she has a lot of resentment towards me because of this.

There you have it.

This is exactly what the problem is.

Both men and women tend to get lazy in a relationship as time wears on. While she was doing less to take care of herself, were you doing less to give her a reason to want to look her best? Were you still taking her out and doing little things to keep things fresh or did you just take for granted that you didn't have to do those things anymore?

You hurt her feelings and she's not over it. Everytime that you sneak out to go to the strip bar it makes her feel inadequate. Once a woman falls into this mindset it is difficult to break out of it.

There's probably nothing you can do to fix this. Her self esteem is crushed and it's unlikely you can fix this.