Broke up with my girlfriend again. Justified?

[topmanbarry]

Well I ended it with her today. Yesterday she had to go visit her grandmother along with her parents in Delaware for a couple hours. The thing is her grandmother is married to a man who isn't her grandfather and she told me that same man raped her when she was 9 years old.

The night prior to leaving she called me and told me that she really did not want to go and that she did not want to face the man that did this to her. She didn't want past traumatic events to resurface in her current life.

I gave her the best advice as I could like being strong, and facing obstacles in life, and that god did not put her on this earth if he felt that she could not handle what he throws at her, etc.

She always writes me a good morning text and tells me to have a good day, something she didn't do the next morning. I tried to contact her to see how she was doing in Delaware and she would give me cold distant responses like "I don't wanna talk" and etc. I said ok i'll give her some space. This morning the same things happens. No morning text and the same cold distant vibe I get from her.

I said enough is enough and I call her out on it. She tells that when shes going through a bad experience or has trouble in her life that she tends to push people away and that shes always done this. I tell her that she needs to grow up because life gets harder than this.

I also told her that this is affecting me and our relationship and it isn't fair to me. I don't want any personal problems affecting us in any way, and that if problems arise we would try our best to overcome them. Its like she isn't even putting in effort to be strong ;its like she just got on her knees and accepted defeat. I then told her that I can't be in this relationship if she isn't strong enough to not let certain things affect our relationship.

All in all i just want a strong girlfriend who is the courage to take on life demands and hardships. She just crumbles at every little thing life throws at her. Am I justified in doing what I did?

 

[Kidquick]

Sounds like she has some baggage that's going to be a consistent problem causer as time goes on. When she texted that she didn't want to talk, that's when you should have pulled back and let her initiate any further contact. Honestly though, I would next her for the sake of your sanity.

 

[Tiguere]

You sure its not another guy. My ex started that routine when she started communicating with her ex behind my back.

 

[Syrio]

Unless this is worse than you made it sound or there is a lot more information than this, I think this is a bit unreasonable. I mean, it's one thing if you don't have feelings for her anymore but I think it's 100% perfectly reasonable for her to be a bit distant after facing a man who RAPED her in her childhood. It seems to me like you're saying she should be able to overcome this but I'm guessing you've never experienced anything like what she went through, so I think it's unfair for you to have such high expectations of her. If you don't want to be in a relationship with her then that's one thing, and that's perfectly understandable, but I don't think you should judge her for the kind of behavior you described. I would be extremely surprised if she came out of that situation feeling happy-go-lucky and ready to resume life normally.

 

[TheException]

Am I justified in doing what I did?

There is no such thing as "justification" for ending a relationship. You END ONE WHEN YOU WANT TO END ONE. But I will say this....if a girl facing a tough situation, handles it by shutting out the world....and you sit there crying about the lack of attention that YOUR RECEIVING.....then good luck pal. Women do MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH WORSE things than this.

The problem isnt her and the lack of attention shes giving....the problem is your NEED FOR THE ATTENTION in the first place. This whole thread is a sh1tshow about you and your insecurities. Youve gotten great advice on this thread, and have chosen to ignore it.

 

[Cremasta]

No, you're not justified.

Having to face someone who raped you when you were a kid is not a "little thing".
Your (ex)girlfriend is dealing with a tough situation and doesn't know how to deal with it. Either her family don't know about the rape, or they don't care, because her grandmother is still married to him and they are still going to visit.

You dropped the ball here.

 

[pinkfl]

You need to work on yourself.
You clearly have serious insecurity issues, where you need to constantly be coddled by whoever you are with.

" I tell her that she needs to grow up because life gets harder than this."
Rape is probably one of the most difficult things that a person can experience. It is a crime that strips you of your dignity and self respect, it violates you, and it is probably the ONLY crime where if you take it to court, the victim feels like they are on trial. And it's even more difficult if it's a family member and you are a minor. How many minors are financially self sufficient enough to support themselves should a family disown them?

This isn't a telephone bill that needs to be paid or a minor car accident. This is a serious ordeal, and the very fact that you simply said "grow up" shows a real immaturity and lack of empathy on your part.

"I don't want any personal problems affecting us in any way, and that if problems arise we would try our best to overcome them."

Every person on this earth has personal problems, so what you want doesn't exist. If you want to date fellow humans, accept that as a fact. However, in a relationship, it's reasonable to have a list of problems that are dealbreakers. Your statement about wanting to overcome problems is hypocritical based off your actions.
Did you tell her to seek therapy? Consult a family member? Try to get out of the trip?
No.
You said "being strong, and facing obstacles in life, and that god did not put her on this earth if he felt that she could not handle what he throws at her, etc."

You are essentially blaming her for being a victim.
You're telling her that she is being upset because she "isn't strong enough", when the reality is, she has every right to be upset about a crime committed against her. You are telling her that she's not facing obstacles in life when in reality, she is trying to maintain status quo within her family. That takes a heck of a lot of composure. You're not giving her enough credit.

You shouldn't be dating right now, you need to grow up a lot and work on yourself and your people skills. Your lack of empathy and insecurity issues will prove problematic in other areas of your life soon, if they haven't started to cause a problem already.

 

[topmanbarry]

Yeah I realized I messed up again. I have some inner game issues. You guys have any articles or tips I can read?

 

[djdfuser]

Everyone makes mistakes, mate. Learn from it and tell her you messed up.

She'll be worried about blowing the family apart if she comes out with it and worried if she'll be believed.

I speak from experience. She's suffered enough and needs as much closure as possible for the best long term repair. She needs to see this fvcker in court and she'll need you there for that.

 

[topmanbarry]

Update: So i sat back and reflected on everything that happened. And i realized with the help of the exception and others that i overreacted. I have never been through sexual abuse so i shouldnt have imposed on her what i thought was right. I never experienced it so i didn't know what she was going through.

After that i reached out to her apologized to her and asked if we could get back together. Shockingly she said no. She said that she spoke to a couple of her friends and they thought that she would be much happier without me. I was so angry that she would let her friends get in her head like that but i said F*** it and said whatever.

Couple hours later she calls me cursing me out saying how her ex(the same one that keeps harassing her) sent her a screenshot of me texting him calling her a slut and how she sucked my c0ck and how shes my little ***** and all those bad things using the textfree app.

I have used to textfree to text him before but that was to tell him to back off shes mines, and i did not want him to know my actual number. He obviously made a textfree account and texted himself and sent the screenshots to her as a way to make her break up with me. Well i explained to her that it wasent me and showed her proof. I gave her my textfree password as proof.I then aske dher again if we can get back together and she said everything is confusing..she does not know who to believe and everything is stessing her out, so she needs time to think.

Later that day she calls me up and we talk about everything that happened this past weekend. I then asked her again if we can get back together. She said "idk" again. Right after that she reads my a text that her ex sent her. He said

" I dont care what anyone says. You or your boyfriend. I'm your boyfriend. I love you and im in love with you. You are my future wife and you are my girlfriend".

I said wow and then said she still wants me but does not know if we can be together because of what her friends were telling her. So i say ok bye bye and hang up the phone.

Hour later she sends me a text apologizing about everything, and saying how shes sorry for letting her friends influence her decisions and get in her head. She said they are all wrong about me and does not know me. She said shes sorry for not believing that i did not send those texts to her ex and that she wants to get back with me. I did not reply since then.

She called me today and i did not pick up. My plan is to disappear from her life forever but i really don't want to. i have STRONG feelings for her and would even marry her, but i dont know if i want to get back with her, especially with her ex saying that. What should i do?

 

[TheException]

After that i reached out to her apologized to her and asked if we could get back together. Shockingly she said no.

Its not a "shock" at all. You acted insecure, and now youve apologized and basically begged for her back. Do you think thats what a strong masculine man does? Is that the kind of behavior that makes women wet? No...your actions have caused her to question you and she longer finds you as attractive as she did before.

She said that she spoke to a couple of her friends and they thought that she would be much happier without me. I was so angry that she would let her friends get in her head like that but i said F*** it and said whatever.

Who cares? Friends rarely influence their girlfriends when it comes to men...its just her excuse to not get back with you.

" I dont care what anyone says. You or your boyfriend. I'm your boyfriend. I love you and im in love with you. You are my future wife and you are my girlfriend".

Yaaaa dont act like this^

Hour later she sends me a text apologizing about everything, and saying how shes sorry for letting her friends influence her decisions and get in her head. She said they are all wrong about me and does not know me. She said shes sorry for not believing that i did not send those texts to her ex and that she wants to get back with me. I did not reply since then.

Giving her space at its finest^

Let women have the opportunity to miss you. You dont need to ask her to get back together a million times....you simply have to do NOTHING. So now shes showing interest in you...I would contact her and just set up a date. Pick a time and place and go have fun. I wouldnt bring up anything about a relationship until she does. Just hangout and have sex.

My plan is to disappear from her life forever but i really don't want to. i have STRONG feelings for her and would even marry her, but i dont know if i want to get back with her, especially with her ex saying that.

Makes zero sense^

You need to figure out what you want to do. Until you answer that...nothing we say will help. Either you do like her....or you dont.

 

[Epimanes]

Dude... When people have something tramatic happen to them there is things that can trigger all those negative feelings back just like it happened yesterday. It could be a smell.. A movie.. Sometihing someone says. Triggers could be anything. Then what happens is anxiety kicks in which releases adrenalin. When you get anxiety (that knot in your gut coupled with negative self talk) it triggers a fight, flight, or freeze response. Its automatic. I say cut you gf some slack and support her. She should have absolutely no contact with that man. He's lucky he's not in jail. By telling her to face her fears and grow up etc. You are asking her to relive it all. That will globalize in her head and then the last thing on her mind will be you because she will be thinking every horrible thought in her mind like a movie. Women have a hard time compartmentalizing emotions and there for she deserves some slack. You should be encouiraging her in ways that take her away from those thoughts and showing her some protection from this horrible experience she had. Find a way to fill her mind up with happy things.

If you had a daughter who was raped by a family member would you tell the$ years later to grow up and face it? Come on.. Have some compassion. Give your gf some slack and comfort her a bit. Geesh and of course she's confused now.. She's jacked on anxiety and in her mind it all happened yesterday now. Of course it didn't but her feelings make it like it was. Support her. But you already proved to her you don't care how she feels so it may be too late.

Think hard about the stuff I said here..

 

[Vidrio]

Dude she's a rape victim. The effects of the rape will affect her and whoever she's with and her children for the rest of her/their lives. You shouldn't even be dating her, nevermind wanting to marry her.

 

[topmanbarry]

We got back together. Even though I been insecure I think I did a good job of displaying alpha qualities at the start of the relationship. Maybe that's why she can't help but take me back. But I'm not trying to fvck up this time.

 

[Atom Smasher]

She said that she spoke to a couple of her friends and they thought that she would be much happier without me. I was so angry that she would let her friends get in her head like that but i said F*** it and said whatever.

Who cares? Friends rarely influence their girlfriends when it comes to men...its just her excuse to not get back with you.

I must respectfully take exception to Exception.

I have found that most girls are profoundly influenced by their girlfriends, in fact her boyfriend is chosen based on the pecking order he will provide in relation to her friends. Her friends are her herd, her perceived lifeline and barometer.

There's an old saying around that you never date just one girl, but rather her and her friends. They are usually part of the package until you restore proper equilibrium with your Svengali-like powers and subtly get her to see the absurdity of her herd. You must see to it that her allegiance transfers from her friends to you. Before you do this, her friends will have a massive influence on her in the very early game.

On another note, I would say that a man shouldn't "ask if we can get back together", but rather proclaim that you desire for you both to be together in this particular type of situation. The first example is asking permission...never good. The second example is claiming your territory, telling her as a dominant man just what you desire and expecting her to agree. If she doesn't, it's Nextville.

Dominance is everything when it comes to women. It is a lever that can move mountains for you if you learn how to use it. Women crave outward displays of dominance. Being dominant is hard to learn if you're naturally very polite (as I have been all my life), but you will shock yourself in a positive way when you see how much you can accomplish with women when you display dominance.

Don't forget, she grew up on fairy tales of the impossible-to-tame hero sweeping her off her feet and just taking what he wants. Moral to my long-windedness: Never ask a woman to be with you. Tell her point blank that this is your desire...

UNLESS......

It's a brand-new relationship. In that case, she must always be the first to say she wants to be together with you. At that early stage, a man needs to appear on the fence with her.

But in this case the relationship is somewhat established with lots of drama going on. Take what you want, but leave that which will come back to bite you. Dominate. :box:

When you dominate on one hand and show kindness and sensitivity on the other, you have a killer formula that can't fail.

 

[pinkfl]

We got back together. Even though I been insecure I think I did a good job of displaying alpha qualities at the start of the relationship. Maybe that's why she can't help but take me back. But I'm not trying to fvck up this time.

Betting that two weeks from now, you're going to post again that you broke up with her, this time because she wanted to go somewhere with a friend.

 

[Jules_Winfield]

Am I the only one wondering why the rapist is still a part of the family?

 

[The_411]

Dude she's a rape victim. The effects of the rape will affect her and whoever she's with and her children for the rest of her/their lives. You shouldn't even be dating her, nevermind wanting to marry her.

/Thread

(It's harsh but it's also a cold truth.)