I have been dating someone for a little over 3 months now. Sometimes she tells me she catches herself from getting close b/c guys in her past have all turned out to be *******s and she is expecting the same from me. That's only sometimes. To counter that I am pretty honest and open with her. Well on Friday she found that her ex, they have been broken up about a year and work together was not honest about being able to be friends with her. When she told him about me he blew up and pretty much dumped all over her...even fired her. Needless to say that put her wall back up and she has taken it out on me. I've done really good about taking down her wall brick by brick, I'm into this girl and don't want to push her far away, but I want to bring that wall back down. Anyone have any advice on how to do that? Do i just keep doing what I have been doing and wait for it to come back with time?
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Breaking Down Defense Mechanisms
- Thread starter Disco
- Start date
Igetit!
Moderator
When she said all the guys in her past has been jerks to her,what did she mean by that? What kinds of things did they do to her?
Edit:And when she takes things out on you,what does she do?
Edit:And when she takes things out on you,what does she do?
she says that everyone pretends to be something they are not in the beginning and eventually they turn on her and turn into *******s.
oh, she pulls away for a couple of days each time she realizes how close she is to me. right now we are at 5 days, the longest yet.
oh, she pulls away for a couple of days each time she realizes how close she is to me. right now we are at 5 days, the longest yet.
OneEyedJack
Don Juan
The name of the game is called patience. Right now she is doing what she can to preserve her personal power.
Although if she still doesn't trust you at 6 months, that might mean a serious evaluation of the relationship.
Although if she still doesn't trust you at 6 months, that might mean a serious evaluation of the relationship.
This is what we call "baggage".Disco said:
It's her problem to deal with. She gotta get over it herself. You shouldn't have to try and prove to her that you're not an arsehole.
Remember that SHE is the one who CHOSE to be with those arseholes. SHE is the common factor in all of her previous relationships.
By all means keep doing what you want to do, but keep that in mind. This is a power play from her.
Igetit!
Moderator
Oooh boy. Unfortunately I've seen this before. And I might as well tell you that you are NOT going to like what I have to say about this. Well,....there are more things going on here than you realize.First of all,look at her past dating history. She said that ALL of the guys in her past have been jerks,right? That means that all of the guys that SHE chose to date have been jerks. You see that? She chose,she made the decision to date these guys:And they were all jerks! That means that if you are a good person,a good guy,that she "slipped up" and let you in. You're a good guy. She doesn't date good guys,remember? She dates jerks. This taking her frustrations out on you,when you have done nothing wrong is just an excuse. Her avoiding you for four or five days has nothing to do with what
happened on her job. She's avoiding you because she isn't attracted to you.
That's the bad news.
The good news is that this can be turned around. You said that you haven't talked to each other in 5 days. Good. I know this might be hard to do,but try to go another 5 or 6 days with no contact. Do this to see if she will try to contact you first. If she calls you in that time,when she calls you,the first thing you say to her is,"Who's ths?". Even if you already know it's her,say that anyway. The impression you want to give off is that you went on living you life,as is she never even existed,that her being absent had no effect on you whatsoever. Tell her about some good/exciting things that have happened since that last time you talked to her. If she ask if you have been thinking about her,you say,"Umm.....yeah..,sure,yeah,I thought about you".
If the conversation starts to drag on too long,tell her that you have to go,and get off the phone. Now here's the kicker-DO NOT make a suggestion about the two of you getting together and spending time together.
Don't do that. Wait to see if she it. And if she does,DON'T agree to it.
Say something like,"Well.....,I think that I'm going to be busy over the next couple of days,but I had planned on going (wherever) on Friday. I'm only going to be there for like an hour or two,so if you want to come along,that's cool". By you doing this and acting like this,her attraction for you will increase,and by spending time with you,her trust for you will increase also.
happened on her job. She's avoiding you because she isn't attracted to you.
That's the bad news.
The good news is that this can be turned around. You said that you haven't talked to each other in 5 days. Good. I know this might be hard to do,but try to go another 5 or 6 days with no contact. Do this to see if she will try to contact you first. If she calls you in that time,when she calls you,the first thing you say to her is,"Who's ths?". Even if you already know it's her,say that anyway. The impression you want to give off is that you went on living you life,as is she never even existed,that her being absent had no effect on you whatsoever. Tell her about some good/exciting things that have happened since that last time you talked to her. If she ask if you have been thinking about her,you say,"Umm.....yeah..,sure,yeah,I thought about you".
If the conversation starts to drag on too long,tell her that you have to go,and get off the phone. Now here's the kicker-DO NOT make a suggestion about the two of you getting together and spending time together.
Don't do that. Wait to see if she it. And if she does,DON'T agree to it.
Say something like,"Well.....,I think that I'm going to be busy over the next couple of days,but I had planned on going (wherever) on Friday. I'm only going to be there for like an hour or two,so if you want to come along,that's cool". By you doing this and acting like this,her attraction for you will increase,and by spending time with you,her trust for you will increase also.