break up with a girl due to her health?

[TheTraveller]

Fellow Don Juans, I've got a serious question. I've been seeing a girl for a month, great girl. We get along amazingly well, intimacy is great as is everything else.

Except for the fact that the topic of medical conditions came up last time we saw each other. She told me she has colitis, recently diagnosed over the past few years and she's receiving regular medical treatment for this. Now after seeing her 4 times, I had no idea so I guess it's under control right now. I'm not really sure how to respond to this.

I'm in good health. I do have a higher risk for a disease or two but I watch for that at my annual checkup each year. Yes, everyone has their sh!t they have to deal with, pun not intended.

So I have no idea what to do. If she didn't tell me and I found out months down the line I'd be totally up in arms as to what to do. I'm a very caring and giving person. I have some potential serious health risks in the future that I manage and I would hate for someone to discriminate against me in the dating game because of it (and it's pretty obvious to tell, so I can't really hide it).

I'd feel like a total douchebag if I dumped her to the curb. I'm leaning towards just not thinking about it and still have fun with her and see where it goes. Some might say date others, too, but I don't have the time, nor do I feel I need to.

I really appreciate your replies/any personal experience here. I've dated girls in the past with chronic severe migraines, (pre)osteoperosis to name a few. Maybe I should just go into medicine.

best,
-t

 

[Rescue Mission]

Cmon man you gotta give us the most important details, which you decided to leave out for some reason (did you think we are all doctors here?)

1) Can she give you colitis if you are intimate with her?
2) How does her having colitis affect your relationship with her physically?

If 1) and 2) are not an issue, then no, her having some disease which doesn't affect you in any way should not matter...........but if it turns you off that much, then just leave her, it's only been a month.........what are you, the pvssy savior?

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Traveller,
A very difficult but I must say hypothetical situation.....Krones disease or colitis,is not contagious,it's a nasty business though.....friend of mine married a lovely girl who thirty years later is still a sufferer it has ruined their lives and now he lives for his junior soccer teams and work....Sex disappeared a long while ago,she cannot travel anywhere,wears a bag,can't face food, and generally leads a very miserable life.....having said that,they have lovely kids and he enjoys a life revolving around work,soccer and television.

 

[TheTraveller]

Cmon man you gotta give us the most important details, which you decided to leave out for some reason (did you think we are all doctors here?)

1) Can she give you colitis if you are intimate with her?
2) How does her having colitis affect your relationship with her physically?

If 1) and 2) are not an issue, then no, her having some disease which doesn't affect you in any way should not matter...........but if it turns you off that much, then just leave her, it's only been a month.........what are you, the pvssy savior?

Nope, colitis is not contagious.

Physically, I have no problems with the relationship, colitis or not.

It does not turn me off. It just makes me wonder if I'll have a future of someone randomly in pain/in the bathroom instead of having fun. Perhaps an undue worry?

 

[TheTraveller]

Dear Traveller,
A very difficult but I must say hypothetical situation.....Krones disease or colitis,is not contagious,it's a nasty business though.....friend of mine married a lovely girl who thirty years later is still a sufferer it has ruined their lives and now he lives for his junior soccer teams and work....Sex disappeared a long while ago,she cannot travel anywhere,wears a bag,can't face food, and generally leads a very miserable life.....having said that,they have lovely kids and he enjoys a life revolving around work,soccer and television.

Hypothetical, sure. But possible? Perhaps. Scary, scary stuff. Just my luck.

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

Krones is a crying-ass shame, no pun intended.

I knew a very cute girl who had it, it always felt ****ty to disqualify her.

 

[TheTraveller]

Krones is a crying-ass shame, no pun intended.

I knew a very cute girl who had it, it always felt ****ty to disqualify her.

It just doesn't feel right for me to disqualify her because of this. Of course Scaramouche's story scares the sh!t out of me, but who knows what will happen in the future.

 

[Warrior74]

I don't know what to tell you...sounds like you have already disqualified her and feel guilty for it. Never stay with someone out of guilt or some sense of "duty" especially if you aren't already in a LTR with them. But if it's your wife that you love, then you stand by her and support her. You might get some on the side...but you never bring her shame or drama or disrespect.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

Fellow Don Juans, I've got a serious question. I've been seeing a girl for a month, great girl. We get along amazingly well, intimacy is great as is everything else.

tough call, but you've only been going out a month. I dated a girl once for about that same time, then she told me she had something, which I don't remember, but was serious enough when I looked it up. call me a selfish bastard, but that was enough for me. But in my case she wasn't that great of a catch otherwise, so the decision was easy, and I kind of got the impression the feeling was mutual.

If it's not interfering with your relationship now, full steam ahead, just keep your eyes and ears open for other things. Be careful not to overcompensate by overlooking other things that you would normally use to disqualify her, in order to not feel guilty for using her illness against her.

Just keep in mind that the first few months of any relationship are usually pretty good, regardless. Other things might crop up in a couple months time that will make you want to ditch her, making her illness a non-issue. Stay objective.

 

[TheTraveller]

I don't know what to tell you...sounds like you have already disqualified her and feel guilty for it. Never stay with someone out of guilt or some sense of "duty" especially if you aren't already in a LTR with them. But if it's your wife that you love, then you stand by her and support her. You might get some on the side...but you never bring her shame or drama or disrespect.

I haven't disqualified her at all, Warrior. I'm saying it's not who I am to do that but her condition could be really freaking scary. I have no idea.

I wouldn't stay with her to be her savior or out of guilt. I'm sure she's had guys pass her up because of this. I could help family moreso that help her right now so it's not about a sense of duty. I just want to keep this relationship fun, especially it being in the early stages and not have to worry about stuff like this.

 

[TheTraveller]

If it's not interfering with your relationship now, full steam ahead, just keep your eyes and ears open for other things. Be careful not to overcompensate by overlooking other things that you would normally use to disqualify her, in order to not feel guilty for using her illness against her.

Just keep in mind that the first few months of any relationship are usually pretty good, regardless. Other things might crop up in a couple months time that will make you want to ditch her, making her illness a non-issue. Stay objective.

Great point. It'd be easy to overlook other things because of this.

My concern is that let's say nothing else comes up. She remains true to who she is and how things have been so far. So, instead of something else coming up in the next few months, it's actually her disease that flares up and makes life a living hell. Then I guess that's the true test of whether or not I can deal with this.

The issue here is I have no idea if I can deal with this. I'd like to say I can, I can even visualize it and think it's possible. But how is one to know if it's possible unless they've been through this in past relationships? I've never dealt with anything like this before.

 

[Rescue Mission]

Nope, colitis is not contagious.

Physically, I have no problems with the relationship, colitis or not.

It does not turn me off. It just makes me wonder if I'll have a future of someone randomly in pain/in the bathroom instead of having fun. Perhaps an undue worry?

My friend, after a month of seeing this woman, you are NOT supposed to be making long-term plans........enjoy her for what she is right now, get out of the chump mindset that is telling you that EVERY girl you have fun with is supposed to magically turn into a LTR........use these women for what they are, which is just fun, sex, and good times. Do not let pvssyfied thoughts enter your mind.

You are a man, a master of women.....not some chump who is planning a future with some random hottie that he barely knows!!

 

[TheTraveller]

My friend, after a month of seeing this woman, you are NOT supposed to be making long-term plans........enjoy her for what she is right now, get out of the chump mindset that is telling you that EVERY girl you have fun with is supposed to magically turn into a LTR........use these women for what they are, which is just fun, sex, and good times. Do not let pvssyfied thoughts enter your mind.

You are a man, a master of women.....not some chump who is planning a future with some random hottie that he barely knows!!

It's pvssyfied to think that I like LTR's? You, my friend, have no idea who I am or what value I have.

 

[Rescue Mission]

It's pvssyfied to think that I like LTR's? You, my friend, have no idea who I am or what value I have.

there you go - you have the same issue as every AFC does: you cannot be swayed from your "values" which result in pvssified thinking, so basically you are going to end up doing whatever your chumpish mind tells you to do......why do you even post here asking for help then? Are you just looking to hear what you want to hear, or are you actually looking for TRUTH and LOGIC?

edit: I'm sorry to go on a rant here, but guys like you really p1ss me off.......how can you like LTR's as a whole? We are talking about LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP here, this is not something you just assign to a random-azz chick that you have been having fun with.........a LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP is something that is to be saved for what is basically going to be a woman in your life that is PERFECT in every single way that you have dreamed for (anything less would be settling just like every other chump out there).

YOU have it all azz-backwards - you are not supposed to look for some random woman to become your LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP; you are supposed to meet as many women as possible, get to know as many women as possible, and maybe, JUST MAYBE, one of them will be lucky enough, after a few years, to warrant consideration for a LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP.

You need to really start thinking like a smart logical playa, and stop thinking like a well-programmed conditioned manipulated little chump who tries to create serious relationships out of thin air.

This woman you are with, you are with her for just a month.........ONLY 4 WEEKS - she is SHYT to you, and if you think she is anything more than SHYT to you, then you will be in for a long painful ride.....don't believe me? Ok cool, find out the hard way like EVERY OTHER CHUMP DOES

 

[BeyondCharm]

I'm in agreement with resuce mission. YOUR AFC ways or in other words, your ego, is preventing you from hearing any advice EXCEPT the advice you wanted to hear in the first place. You are also stuck in AFC ways because you're worried about appearing to be anything other than some "white knight" who chivalrously accepts this situation because he's a "righteous man."

First off, you should be spinning way more plates than this one chick. The fact that you are even tripping over this situation after only a month tells me you are 1. not spinning enough plates 2. have oneitus for this chick, probably because she gives good bjs or fvcks you so much you can't think for yourself anymore...

Whatever it is, you in the end must decide what to do, but for goodness sake, SPIN more plates man... you are already thinking about "settling" and LTR with a girl you barely know, worrying over your future and hers as a couple, when you should be spending THAT energy on meeting new girls.

Time to DJ up and drop the AFC hat entirely.

Sarge on playa.

 

[jophil28]

Fellow Don Juans, I've got a serious question. I've been seeing a girl for a month, great girl. We get along amazingly well, intimacy is great as is everything else.

Except for the fact that the topic of medical conditions came up last time we saw each other. She told me she has colitis, recently diagnosed over the past few years and she's receiving regular medical treatment for this. Now after seeing her 4 times, I had no idea so I guess it's under control right now. I'm not really sure how to respond to this.

I'm in good health. I do have a higher risk for a disease or two but I watch for that at my annual checkup each year. Yes, everyone has their sh!t they have to deal with, pun not intended.

So I have no idea what to do. If she didn't tell me and I found out months down the line I'd be totally up in arms as to what to do. I'm a very caring and giving person. I have some potential serious health risks in the future that I manage and I would hate for someone to discriminate against me in the dating game because of it (and it's pretty obvious to tell, so I can't really hide it).

I'd feel like a total douchebag if I dumped her to the curb. I'm leaning towards just not thinking about it and still have fun with her and see where it goes. Some might say date others, too, but I don't have the time, nor do I feel I need to.

I really appreciate your replies/any personal experience here. I've dated girls in the past with chronic severe migraines, (pre)osteoperosis to name a few. Maybe I should just go into medicine.

best,
-t

Get off his back.
The OP comes on here with some genuine human concerns about a dilemma he finds himself in and asks for some comments and suggestions. Instead of getting a little man to man support from all of us, he gets ripped apart by anonymous wannabe DJ's beating their d!cks on their computer screens.

The way I read it is this - he is attracted to a woman who has a medical condition that could present her with some serious complications in HER future, and Traveller finds himself in the unenviable position of having to consider ejecting because of the interference that her disease may cause.

Like TO said - a tough call.
ON the one hand we are not obligated to stay with someone out of pity or duty (unless you are married) but then again, leaving a perfectly good woman because she has some bowel inflammation is rather superficial .

IF he wants to continue to date her, then I would suggest that he research the condition and get a good understanding of how her disease has progressed, and an update from her on her prognosis.

 

[jonwon]

The problem TheTraveller I have is this:

You feel guilty because of the condition your GF is in - This then is motivating you to question if you want to be with the girl or to put it another way - it's forcing your hand, since you don't want to look a dic*.

The problem I have is, it is almost akin to a Bipolar chick crying and you going back because she has something wrong with her, so you don your captain save-a-ho cape - or in your case, your Jesus Cape!

If this girl didn't have this condition, you wouldn't feel guilt, but it's not true guilt, what we have here is a web, a web of your own 'nice guy'ness', a web you have spun around yourself, by wanting to 'do the right thing'.

The fact is, you've only known this chick a month, ONE MONTH! And it is clear the nice guy, wanting to do the right thing and donning his wanting to 'Save a girl' cape - The compassionate nice guy is already taking over.

The problem, I feel is not the girl - Some guy will come along regardless of what you do! Do you think for one second she isn't going to meet another guy except for you because of her condition? This is your captain save a ho, jesus cape coming out -

The girl will be fine regardless of the reason you finish with her.

The point of my post is this:

Your trapped in your own web of 'doing the right thing' - this is now forcing you to an outcome, so concerned about the consequences of your so called negative actions.

And this is after ONE MONTH!

Imagine when your more invested, imagine 6 months down the line - imagine when she is living with you!

Your basing too much decision on 'doing the right thing' - This shouldn't be a motivator, this is a product of a 'nice guy' -

I'm not telling you to be a dic*, but to be aware of the fact that your need 'to do the right thing' - is fundimentally fuc*ing up your rational thought proccess.

If for example you was a little bit more selfish, a little bit less concered with what SHE WANTS and was more concerned about what YOU want - You wouldn't have these blinkers infront of your eyes.

You make a choice, do you or dont you?

You stick by that choice and you do not let thoughts of Captain save-a-ho, cloud those thoughts and judgements or in your case, the white knight syndrome to motivate and make those choices for you.

It is clear your not happy with the situation, stand up to your own values - This girl will be happy with a guy anyway and the way I see it, she'd be better off with a guy who couldn't give two fuc*s, and believe me there are many guys out there who would ignore stuff like this - I'm not saying for one second you should, just saying many guys will settle for even worse with a GF and not care in the slightest.

Take this example:

The single mum, two kids on little income, you come along - date her for 1 month - no mention of the kids - then BAM - she drops the bomb, she has two kids, she is poor, struggling to survive. You then take pitty on her, question if you should 'do the right thing', concerned if you leave her, she wont find another man, not with two kids anyway.

But trust me on this many men would line up to even take up with a women with two kids in tow. Your reasoning is the same rational in nature.

Your not being a dic*, if you walk away and you know what?! The girl will be ok in the long run!

Most guys with your affliction have an over bloated sense of self-importance ---- --

Get over yourself, your just some random guy she dated for 1 month - it's not like you've had kids or tied the knot. She wont top herself or swear off men for the rest of her life- because you happened to be a bit of a selfish dic*.

She will be fine.

 

[squirrels]

It depends on the girl and how she reacts to it.

I used to date a girl with fibromyalgia...she seemed to deal with it really well at first, but eventually she started trying to use it as sympathy leverage.

Colitis should not be contagious. But watch how she acts around you...see if it gets in the way of you enjoying each other's company.

And like everyone else said, is a month REALLY enough time to start thinking about all this relationship nonsense??

 

[TheTraveller]

The condition in and of itself I couldn't care about, it's about the effects on a relationship. So, jophil, you're absolutely right - being aware of this condition will help here.

TO, thanks for the anecdote. I won't have blinders on because of her condition. Tough to see that from my previous posts but you guys have knocked some sense into me here.

and to the rest who suggest I spin more plates or don't be the white knight, I totally hear what you're saying. The most I really have time for is two plates and I'm having an amazing time with this one right now that I have no reason to fill the other spot. On the savior point, I am in no way thinking I will be her savior here. If I wasn't around she'd be just fine.

If this or some other area of the relationship affects me to the point that it is no longer fun, then I'd bail and not even think twice about her condition. Thanks for putting everything in perspective.

 

[TheTraveller]

It depends on the girl and how she reacts to it.

I used to date a girl with fibromyalgia...she seemed to deal with it really well at first, but eventually she started trying to use it as sympathy leverage.

Colitis should not be contagious. But watch how she acts around you...see if it gets in the way of you enjoying each other's company.

And like everyone else said, is a month REALLY enough time to start thinking about all this relationship nonsense??

And did you end it with her due to the sympathy leverage or something else?

So far, she's on active preventative treatment for it and nothing's come up. She goes where I suggest, food/drink are non-issues and I don't see her running away to the can so I really would have no idea this was a problem of hers.

No, a month is not enough time. I should probably take a chill-pill, put the condition out of my mind and continue doing what we've been doing - having an awesome time.