Break off Engagement - Exit Strategy??

[Reyaj]

So my marriage is imminent..... how could I get out of it gracefully without having my fiance want to have a vendetta against me for life????

Yes I let it get out of hand.... but better to end something late than never right??? The problem now aside from the emotional damage is the money already spent on the engagement festivities...... This includes everything from gifts, to deposits put down etc....

Well anyway that aside, I need a good exit strategy that is going to cause the least collateral damage possible. I am thinking the idea would be to make her want out of the engagement.... Any ideas are much appreciated.... Here's a few off of the top of my head...

1. Say I am gay (I am being serious... make her really think I am attracted to men)

2. Say I have some sort of illness (not sure what... but something that would make her want to leave)

3. Say I can't have children.. something is wrong with me...


Thats about all I got so far.... Obviously she is going to be hurt no matter what but I want to do something that would make her as least hurt as possible and one that would make her not want to kill me!

 

[Hound Mix Owner]

Any reason why you wouldn't tell the truth? Usually that's the best course of action in life.

 

[hansol]

"This isn't working for me. I just need some space to figure things out. It's not you, it's me. But we can still be friends, okay?" Works for the chicks so why not use the same?

She isn't going to be happy with you regardless of what you say amigo. I would just own it, be honest, keep whatever it is you say short, and then go silent for a while til the ****storm blows over. I think some more info as to why you're backing out might be necessary before you can get a more detailed answer though.

 

[DonJuanabe]

I don't know why you've decided to bail, but here is what you need to read regardless of your reasons:

You need to be a man, not a boy, not a wuss, not a woman.

A man is forthright and owns his decisions. He does not lie. He says what he thinks and stands by the choices he makes in life. He faces his reality for what it is and does not shy away from the responsibility inherent in leading his life in the way that is truly best for him.

But you could always choose to be a pathetic, weak, sniveling wuss.

 

[Warrior74]

Just be honest. This isn't working for you and you're going to have to break off the engagement. Expect drama and bat**** insanity, be happy if she's not.

Also prepare before hand. If you live together, already have your things ready to go and moved out the day you tell her. Preferably while she's at work, call her,meet her to dinner, look her in the eye and tell her, leave immediately after. Then give her the keys and walk away.

That's the most adult and least drama free way to handle it if you've made up your mind. Most people don't do that as they are too chickensh1t.

You tell the truth for yourself, not for her.

 

[DJDamage]

I don't know why you've decided to bail, but here is what you need to read regardless of your reasons:

You need to be a man, not a boy, not a wuss, not a woman.

A man is forthright and owns his decisions. He does not lie. He says what he thinks and stands by the choices he makes in life. He faces his reality for what it is and does not shy away from the responsibility inherent in leading his life in the way that is truly best for him.

But you could always choose to be a pathetic, weak, sniveling wuss.

Cosign.

Seriously man why have you decided to go through with it in the first place?!

 

[GotED?]

1) Break it off
2) Fooken MOVE to a new place to live so you don't get stalked
3) Get a new phone number
4) Make your address/phone number UNLISTED
5) THEN go NC - don't ever look back

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Reyaj,
I would guess that you are Indian and there is a sense in which one might see this planned marriage as being arranged?.....If such is the case you are between a rock and a hard place,the families involved will never forgive you..having family contacts from the days of the Raj I understand and feel for you...my suggestion,your life is not along the Ganges,but in California, just adopt one of the strategems listed above,but get out WHATEVER THE COST!

 

[samspade]

Reyaj,

What Warrior said.

Your happiness is in YOUR hands. Be honest with her. You will experience immediate discomfort (emotional swings, crying, arguing, heartbreak, and second-guessing). However it is worth a few weeks of discomfort not to sentence yourself to a lifetime of pain. If you know now you do not want to be married, you will not likely change in five, ten years. And if you do - there will be other women out there with just as many likable qualities as this one.

Explain in no uncertain terms that marriage is not right for you at this juncture, and that your fiancee deserves a man who will commit 100% and make her happy. If you are not happy, she will not be happy, and any kids you may have most certainly will not be happy.

She may start a vendetta for life against you, but it is unlikely. She will be upset at first, but if she is a good woman, she will appreciate your honesty and candor. If she does not understand, and holds it against you, well then you wouldn't want to spend your life with someone like this, would you?

As for the money, think of it this way. It's gone, but you can always re-acquire money. I presume you are employable. You will make money again. Don't think of it as a "sunk cost." Write it off as a loss. Even if you pay for all the losses, you will find a way to make it back, and then some. What price is your freedom worth? I know you probably don't want to tie yourself to an unhappy marriage just to save a few hundred, or even a few thousand, dollars.

Do not feel guilt. You are not a bad person for choosing your own path to happiness. Neither is your woman a victim here. You cannot give someone happiness by surrendering your own. It's never too late, so suck it up, tell her the honest truth, and clarify that you respect her too much to lie to her about it. Like I said, it'll be rough seas at first, but try to focus on what lies ahead for you once you are out of the woods.

SS

 

[st_99]

just tell the b!tch to go fly a kite. you're done with the relationship and that's that, end of story.

girls do it all the time, every day, no need to care that much.

you're not doing her any favors by peeling off the band aid slowly. just rip it off, she'll take the pain,
she'll find someone else in about 8 months and be engaged in another year and a half to 2 years. This
seems to be the timeline with girls coming out of a LTR and then married. I swear, it never fails. lol.

 

[speed dawg]

you didn't take any of our advice in your last thread on this same subject, found here, http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=197763, so I'm not sure if we're just wasting our time writing out advice to you again.

From our last convo on this subject, who legally gets the ring back depends on the law of the state you're in, so just to be safe either way you're probably going to need to steal back the engagement ring and then sell it on the black market. You need to sell it to someone far away from you, so it's very difficult to trace the ring. If you get caught, you open yourself up to the possibility of a felony conviction.

That settles the ring. As for how you bring it up, after you have taken the ring, just tell her. This is one of those few times where honesty is actually the best policy when dealing with a woman. You need to tell her you're not ready, and you need to tell her this before she spends more money on wedding preparations. If you want to make up an excuse, just pick any one doesnt matter either way she will hate you for not wanting to marry her.

Good catch, bradd80.

Reyaj is an idiot.

 

[PeakIV]

tell her "it's not me , it's you..."

 

[Reyaj]

I can tell you right now honesty is not the best option here....

"Hey sorry you wasted years of your life but I decided I am not ready for marriage and I want to f$*# with other women for a while, sorry I didn't decide on this sooner before we were in the process of setting up our wedding!"

Seriously I appreciate where you all are coming from. Its easy to say to be honest when you aren't in my shoes and have to deal with the ramifications. Yes, I was an idiot, I obviously shouldn't have let it get this far.. but I did... and now I need a good exit strategy.

Did I mention her family has connections to organized crime?? ....

I need to come up with something that will make her want to leave me - I don't care to be honest for some "moral highground" or whatever it is.. I need to be safe and move on with my life... Again, if I get her to want to leave me the ramifications will be a lot less than dealing with a woman scorned!

If she decides to leave me, then she won't hold as much resentment... this is common sense. For those of you who are giving me advice I appreciate. I expect some flaming which I'll ignore...

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Rajaz,
Six months ago you posted this," She needs to know that I am not stringing her along... you are all right that I can dump her at any minute",so whats changed?.....Forget about links to organised crime It didn't worry you before,why should it worry you know?...The Homosexual role coming out of the cupboard appeals...In my own life,the daughter of a friend,a lovely Girl 33 at the time,was engaged,her fiancee was an amazing guy with an incredibly high power job based in London....cut a long story short he was posted to Moscow where it seems the social isolation caused him to fall in love with a young Russian Man.....Our afianced visitor,was the fourth Son in his parents marriage,as if that is not a bad enough predisposer to homosexuality,he had also been educated at a boarding School!...The upshot was that the Marriage was canned...Surprisingly everyone is still good friends...Four years later he and his "Friend" are living very happily in New York...So Raj,as I doubt you are really serious,then just settle back and watch her grow fat!

 

[ive]

As a woman, my worst nightmare is to be married to someone who doesn't love me and am always very very cautios about this. So, just be as honest as possible about how you feel, she will be very hurt, but better than some stupid games to make her leave you - then for sure she will resent you much more. That is much more hurtful. You can skip the "i want to ...other women" part, and just tell her you dont feel the same and are not ready.

 

[Reyaj]

Dear Rajaz,
Six months ago you posted this," She needs to know that I am not stringing her along... you are all right that I can dump her at any minute",so whats changed?.....Forget about links to organised crime It didn't worry you before,why should it worry you know?...The Homosexual role coming out of the cupboard appeals...In my own life,the daughter of a friend,a lovely Girl 33 at the time,was engaged,her fiancee was an amazing guy with an incredibly high power job based in London....cut a long story short he was posted to Moscow where it seems the social isolation caused him to fall in love with a young Russian Man.....Our afianced visitor,was the fourth Son in his parents marriage,as if that is not a bad enough predisposer to homosexuality,he had also been educated at a boarding School!...The upshot was that the Marriage was canned...Surprisingly everyone is still good friends...Four years later he and his "Friend" are living very happily in New York...So Raj,as I doubt you are really serious,then just settle back and watch her grow fat!

Its a problem now because they invested $$$ in this... But anyway I'm not following your story about your family friend... Are you saying to just go through with the wedding and accept things for whatever they are?

 

[Reyaj]

As a woman, my worst nightmare is to be married to someone who doesn't love me and am always very very cautios about this. So, just be as honest as possible about how you feel, she will be very hurt, but better than some stupid games to make her leave you - then for sure she will resent you much more. That is much more hurtful. You can skip the "i want to ...other women" part, and just tell her you dont feel the same and are not ready.

ummmm its a bit late for this... AGAIN, IF SHE IS THE ONE WHO DECIDES TO LEAVE ME SHE WON'T want to get revenge on me nor her family who is involved with organized crime

I know everyone is going to say just be honest... but its beyond that.... I'd rather lie and live a life without danger than be honest and deal with the ramifications.

 

[ive]

yeah, try gay and/or impotent then

 

[DonJuanabe]

Don't lie. Lying invariably comes back to haunt you. You tell her you are gay and she won't believe you. Later, inevitably, she will see you with some girl out somewhere and then, if you are concerned about her family's connections with organized crime, your azz is going to be toast.

 

[corrector]

So my marriage is imminent..... how could I get out of it gracefully without having my fiance want to have a vendetta against me for life????

Maybe you need a break from her for a while or some space so you can clear your head?