Borderline Personality Disorder

[Lishy]

Has anyone on here had first hand experience of dealing with someone with this disorder?

 

[KontrollerX]

Yes, I was in a relationship with a Histrionic and then afterwards I got with a chick who had that and Borderline Personality Disorder.

My posts, jophil's and resets are all over this forum surrounding this topic.

Feel free to PM me about it anytime if you have specific questions on it or use the search feature and search for those terms to read all of our stuff about it.

Edit: Actually here is a link about it for you...

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=140460&highlight=Cluster

One of the best topics in here on it in my opinion.

Jophil, reset and myself appear a few pages in.

 

[Lishy]

Thank you K

Can I talk to you on here about this? I would love to receive feedback from others too

My ex of 14 years (whome I left 3 1/2 years ago) has been diagnosed with BPD - he calls it an Attachment disorder.

He was such a lovely hearted man who turned into a vile mouthed, abusive, unprediactable quick tempered monster

It took me a year to leave him as I was scared for my life. We have a son together who is now 11 but was 8 when I left. He threatened to throw me out of the window before he would let me go, so I left when he was out fishing.

After I left I thought about going back as his behaviour got much worse and in a way it was easier to live with it then the not knowing what mood he would be in. He would really try hard wiuth our son and I know he genuinly loves him and I let him see our son as much as he wanted, and he would have him every weekend and some days in the week he would get him from school. He played a huge part in our sons life and that is how I wanted it. But he just couldnt let go of me.

When I met my partner who I am with now, he flipped (even though it was nearly 2 years after leaving him) He took overdoes, ended up in a mental hospital on numerous occassions - I changed my phone number as he was ringing me at all times just to scream abuse at me - When he realised I changed my number he called the police, gave them my address and told them he had just killed me and was about to kill himself! The police were banging my door down at midnight thinking I was dead inside. I got an injunction then and all contact with his son ceased as I was scared for my sons safety (he has never hit either of us but the emotional abuse was outstanding)

I found out from my son after I stopped contact that his dad let him and his cousins watch a porn film, drove very drunk with them in the car and kissed a strange woman in the park and told my 8 year old to get them cider from the boot of his car! He also had a row with his neighbour and stood on a wall (infront of our son) and was waving a bayonet around and screaming abuse.

And now he is self harming. I bumped into him one day on the street just after xmas and a week later I get a letter telling me that after he saw me it flipped him over the edge and he cut his arm to the bone. He then took a picture of his arm and showed it to my 72 year old mum!

I have now recieved a letter from his solicitor saying that he wants to see our son again and is willing to see him at a contact centre. I am so confused as I want my son to have a dad, just not the nutty one that he has!

I have actioned my lawyer to say that he will have to go through the courts as I want a proper valuation on his mental health. But I am scared!

 

[Lishy]

I must add that my ex had an extremely awful childhood and a part of me feels so sorry for him. He is not a monster and he tries really hard to do the right thing but he just can't!

I know it was not my fault that he has this disorder, but I sure paid the price for it!

I laid in bed this morning crying my eyes out as I have this huge feeling that he will kill himself one day.

No one will have that genuine love for my son (excluding me) that he had! He did wrong by him but he loves him so much and that saddens me!

 

[KontrollerX]

The sweetness act always takes place in the beginning Lishy.

Your Borderline ex is textbook in this way and many others.

They idealize you, devalue you and then discard you.

Unless of course you leave first, then it becomes a year long, months long or life long struggle to get them the hell out of your life. They will stalk, harass, threaten you and anything else.

I am surprised he didn't physically abuse you or your son.

Still have no doubt at all you are making the right decision by keeping your son away from him.

And yes its good for a boy to have a father but keep them away from eachother with as much of a fight as you can legally and otherwise until your boy turns 18 and can make his own decisions.

His father is simply too unstable for him to be around safely.

Emotional manipulation can be carried out on your boy by this man in even the safest environments as he works to turn your son against you his mother by painting you as the bad guy and not the protecting caring parent that you are.

You have every right to be scared and to even take a few self defense training classes if you get the opportunity over this man.

He is capable of everything and anything.

Again I say fight with all the determination you have to keep your son out of his hands until he turns 18 and can make his own decisions.

"I must add that my ex had an extremely awful childhood and a part of me feels so sorry for him. He is not a monster and he tries really hard to do the right thing but he just can't!

I know it was not my fault that he has this disorder, but I sure paid the price for it!

I laid in bed this morning crying my eyes out as I have this huge feeling that he will kill himself one day.

No one will have that genuine love for my son (excluding me) that he had! He did wrong by him but he loves him so much and that saddens me!"

They prey on any weaknesses that you have.

Your emotions and your caring nature to them are weaknesses.

You can allow yourself to feel these things for him as it is only human but do not let them influence your decisions surrounding him with your son or with you even going back to him some day.

As for his love for your son driving drunk endangering your son's life is not the behaviour of a loving parent.

He can love your son genuinely but you know when that is going to happen?

When he sits down with a therapist that specializes in BPD and deals with his problem and is one of the few lucky Cluster B Personality Disordered patients therapy works on because it does not work for all of them even ones willing to be treated.

 

[Lishy]

Thanks for your reply K

The problem I have is that my son wants to see him. I have spoken to my lawyer and she has advised that I put it in the hands of the court and they will assess My ex's state of mind and talk to my son.

I am hoping and praying that when my ex gets the letter stating he has to go to court that he will think "fk this" as he wont have control and that is what he wants all the time. It will also cost him alot of money to do this.

But if he still goes ahead with it, the court will probably award him the right to see our son in a supervised contact centre, which means someone is in the room with them at all times.

I am so scared as I do not know what is right and wrong, he controlled me and manipulated me to get things his way for years. I met him when I was 20 and he was my first LTR so I was moulded by what he wanted and needed. I am ashamed to say this but it is sort of ingrained into me that it is easier to do what he wants me to, so when I make a stand I feel a sense of achievment but I also feel petrified.

My son once told me that his dad was capable of anything (in a dark way) and I was shocked as I know this to be true too!

 

[KontrollerX]

Well the whole trick to Cluster B is the carrot and stick principle of manipulation as well as cleverly weaving a web around your relationship that you are not in control...

They are.

That is not the truth however as a person involved with them can say no and walk away at any time but they can either manipulate you through fear or your own dependency on them or any other host of horrors that prey on your mind and emotions.

I guess if you have no other option then let the court decide and if its a contact center then that should be fine too but hopefully he doesn't get to paint you as being the bad person keeping your son away from daddy because you are mean and evil etc all the manipulative words you can think of to turn your son against you.

And fight Lishy to make sure that the contact center is the only place he will ever meet your son until his 18th birthday.

Remember always Lishy that you were merely institutionalzed by being around this man and that is prison talk for getting used to a routine ie a daily way of living.

You had the power then and you have the power now and don't let anyone much less a Cluster B tell you otherwise.

 

[Lishy]

It has been such a huge battle to break from the feelings that I should still do as HE wishes and then all will be happy and good!

My mum lives just around the corner from him and I rarely go to see her as I am too scared to bump into him!

I still feel like he imprisons me, but yet I still have to keep myself safe

 

[KontrollerX]

http://www.bpdfamily.com/discussions/message-board.htm

Here's even more reading material for you in addition to whats on Sosuave about these people.

Thats a big BPD support site about raising a child with BPD's, leaving them, thinking about leaving them and other things.

And absolutely Lishy, I feel for you as these people are some of the most dangerous you can ever encounter.

 

[Lishy]

Thank you K - That site looks great but it is down at the mo for maintenence so I will check it later

Thanks again

 

[Bible_Belt]

http://supportforhealing.com/sfh/forumdisplay.php?f=55

http://board.bpdrecovery.com/

Good luck, Lishy. I have a bpd gf. Most borderlines are female. The biggest thing is a fear of abandonment. That's why he caused all of those episodes, his fear of losing you. Ironically, it is this behavior that drives others away. BPD people have all experienced a horrible abandonment, usually a parent leaving when they are a small child. They later structure their life's relationships so that they create the same abandonment for themselves over and over. As you know, it can be hell for the people who love them.

The only way BPDs ever get better is to really admit to themselves that they have a problem and to work on it every day. There is no medication, only therapy, and that only works if the bpd wants it to. Substance abuse, and suicide attempts are very common as well. BPDs commit suicide at 10-20 times the rate that non-borderlines do.

Again. good luck. There is no easy answer.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

I had a three some with a girl that had a personality disorder...it was awesome

Let's hear it for multiple personality threesomes!!! :rockon:

 

[BMX]

It's coming back to me, this is the disorder I learned about where they can't hold relationships.

 

[LoneSilver]

Sorry Lishy your having to go through this nightmare especially having a son...

Mental illiness is a complex topic and effects many you got some great answers here from posters who appear to have first hand experience and knowledge with this type of mental issue.

I hope everything works out well for you... hang in there.

LoneSilver

 

[Lishy]

I am so impressed with with the help I have received here

Thank you so much!

And I have not mentioned this yet,but my ex's dad killed his mum when my ex was 11 and he didnt even receive any councelling

His dad was the first man to get off with murder of a spouse due to diminished resposibility and he came back into the family home after just a short time in prison

I would hate to be in my ex's head even for a few minutes!

I hate him in one sense but I feel so sorry for him in another

 

[KontrollerX]

"I am so impressed with with the help I have received here

Thank you so much!"

You're very welcome Lishy.

"And I have not mentioned this yet,but my ex's dad killed his mum when my ex was 11 and he didnt even receive any councelling"

Damn thats awful and it explains a lot.

Borderline and Histrionic personality disorder one of the ways they can be brought about is to experience a trauma in childhood that would result in post traumatic stress disorder in an adult. The young mind being too immature and undeveloped to deal with complex issues where one needs to emotionally cope with a heavy burden turns to the HPD or BPD disordered solution as a means of survival despite how destructive the means of survival will be. PTSD is destructive as well but with treatment most can recover from it. The same cannot be said of Cluster B Personality Disorders. Some can be cured and some have no such luck. The disorders are the person's entire personality and as such are deeply ingrained and resistant to change. Axis II mental health disorders are scary stuff.

Anyway in case you were curious to know the root of the problem it was your ex's abandonment by his mother that damaged him enough for him to become BPD. It matters not that she did not abandon him by choice as she was murdered but what does matter is she was suddenly taken from him ie the traumatic and sudden loss that brings about PTSD in mature adults but BPD in infants and young children at times.

"His dad was the first man to get off with murder of a spouse due to diminished resposibility and he came back into the family home after just a short time in prison

I would hate to be in my ex's head even for a few minutes!"

As would I.

And his father may of been a sociopath today known in our politically correct world as an Anti Social Personality Disordered person which is often abbreviated ASPD.

Lots of times these people either read up on or get therapy to learn how to become better predators of normal people in society. They'll read up on some mental health disorders and mimic them and see if they can fool a therapist and many times they do and get diagnosed as being what they were mimicking which gets them a prescription for drugs that they don't actually need but can sell on the street for a nice profit or use in some other diabolical way.

The point of what I've just told you is if your ex's father was an ASPD he may of mimicked someone with a diminished capacity to try and beat the murder rap.

Since he succeeded he then likely mentally abused and mind gamed your ex to try and mold him into a dangerous sociopath as well but since your ex still had some humanity and emotions about him all he could become from the trauma of his mother's murder and the mindgames of his father was a BPD.

A failed experiment to the ASPD father and ultimately expendable for that reason.

I have to say its horrible what has happened and what may of happened to your ex if I am right about his father potentially being a sociopath.

"I hate him in one sense but I feel so sorry for him in another"

And it is completely understandable to have conficted emotions about them.

Again though do not let these emotions influence any serious decisions of yours surrounding him.

You always have to expect and assume the worst about him unfortunately.

 

[Lishy]

K you are so right and my ex has told me that he realises now that his dad used to manipulate him with small hints on things

When I forst met my ex his dad had died a couple of years before of a heart attack and my ex's thoughts were that his mum was a slut and his dad was great - He soon changed that idea as he got older.

I do believe that his dad messed with his mind and I also believe that he killed his mum because he had lost control of her.

His dad hammered his mum to death in bed one morning with a hammer that my ex had found and given his dad

Talking on here is like therapy for me, therapy I have never sought out, until recently as it is too painful.

I was also brainwashed to a degree by my ex without me knowing it - He had me jumping through hoops and dancing to his tune without me even knowing it

That is why I find it so hard now stand up to him and say no and I doubt every decision I have to make regarding him

It has also made me a stronger person with everything else in my life.