Oh là là,
I remember these times, my first bootcamp. Holy sh!t that was such a long time ago. I had just gotten dumped and (I think) cheated on by my ex. Oh lordy the waves of self-pity. I truly felt like the most pitiful chump on the planet. It seemed like all these bâstards on this board, and all these bâstards in real life had all sorts of women, but me, poor little old me was all alone.
So, I said to myself, oh well, ex is gone, I'll just replace her. Then, once I've replaced her, I won't feel any love for ex anymore because I will have no reason to feel pity for self. At that moment, if I could have chosen one activity in the world, I would have chosen a scene where I laugh haughtily, surrounded by 8 supermodels as my ex begs for me to come back to her.
I felt empty, so I said, let's go find me some women to fill me up, then I won't be empty anymore. BC was such a waste of time and energy. Basically, a little part of me was convinced that finding women would make me happy. And a larger part of me, of which I was unaware, knew quite well that success with women would make me even more miserable. Besides, I enjoyed self-pity so much that trying to get women and unconsciously shooting myself in the foot would be a great way to find all the self-pity I could hope for.
Instead of just not worrying about anything - the correct way to live life - I worried all the time about what a coward I was. Oh no, I don't want to approach these women in the street. It must be because I'm too much of a chicken. *worry worry* How should I trick myself into saying hello to women? *worry worry*
What a godda*n waste of time! Dude, about half of those girls I talked to were into me, but one by one I chased them away with my stupid attempts to Neg hit them, and my impatience, and my desperation. In short, trying to hit on women was a waste of time because fundamentally, I didn't want women. They bring nothing of any value. A woman can't make me happy, a woman can't make me happier than I already am. A woman is a very dangerous element in a man's life. If a man wants to be happy, it is best to handle them with care. A woman can very easily give pride to a man, pride that covers up a man's weaknesses. "Wow, look how hot my GF is, I must be great. Better not change anything." "I'm sad, I want sex," NO! That would prevent me from eliminating what made me sad. That's what I was trying to do with Boot Camp: find some girl to eliminate the loss I felt.
I was lying when I convinced myself I wanted a girl. I wanted the pain to go away.
I was lying when I said I didn't care when I got rejected. I was terrified that I was some sort of freak. I was terrified that I would never succeed.
I was lying when I said I was confident I would find a girl soon, and that I would start approaching, or that I would never make such and such mistake again. God was quite determined not to give me a gf at the time, and I could not accept this. I had no confidence in myself because I knew I was going to fail. I secretly wanted to fail, so that I could continue to mope. If I found a girl, I would become unstable because I was supposed to be happy, but I still wanted a reason to mope.
I wasn't approaching because I was ashamed of my sadness, and of how seriously I took my puny, pathetic little problems.
Damn this board, damn women; I don't need them, I don't even really want them. Some stupid f*ck will probably call me gay for saying that, and all I feel is pity for that sorry, blind man.
The weirdest thing that has happened since I did BC is this. I haven't gotten anything more than a kiss on the cheek in over a year (and that in a country where kisses on the cheek are customary heh). I have been on one date. I have gotten so many phone numbers, and email addresses, it could make your head spin. I'm secretly proud of the fact that I have about 4-5 cute girls interested in me right now, but that's because I'm an idiot like everyone else. I'm stupid so I like to fluff up my feathers, look in the mirror and say to myself, oh là là Mr. Sexy, some girl wants you.
Never mind that I'm flat broke, in debt, lazy, without a job or a dream job, and totally out of shape. What do I want a woman for, but to fluff up my feathers? I want a woman so that I can lie to myself and think that I'm happy. What a crock.
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