Blew off a girl with BF yesterday. Feeling ashamed now, will this pass?

[Canadian Catnip]

Hi Guys.

It's tough killing the nice guy inside of me and he took another hit yesterday.

I knew this girl around 23 or 24, she has a BF and we used to talk about 6 months ago. We exchanged phone numbers and chatted and went for coffee together a few times. I was Mr. nice of course and never did anything.

Fast forward to yesterday. I had the misfortune of running into her at a coffee shop. I ran in to get a coffee to go. I was in a 20 minute loading zone. Just as I was ready to leave she see me as she is returning from the bathroom.

She says hi and tells me she was thinking about me because she saw my name on her phone the other day as she was scrolling through her address book and was wondering about me. She said she almost considered calling me.

She asked me to sit with her and talk so we could catch up, plus she was so bored from studying for the last hour.

I was not in the mood to see her or talk to her then and there so I told her I only had a few minutes as I was parked in a loading zone.

Basically we chatted for a few minutes and I got up to leave.

Two things struck me in what she said. I'll tell you what I used to think and what I think today.

One. She was going to call me because she saw my number on her phone the other day while in the address book. Before, I would have felt glad that she said she was thinking about me, but now I see that as a complete bullsh!t statement. If she wanted to spend time with me she would have called.

Second. She wanted me to sit and talk with her because she was so bored of studying. Before, I would have been happy to spend time with her, but now I realize that she considered me just another distraction or a break in her studying. Once she had her fill of chatting I'm sure she would have dismissed me and told me she really had to get back to the books and that I could leave now.

I got the feeling she could sense the change in me. I was not going to give up my time to her just because she was bored.

I did feel a little ashamed after leaving but I realized that it's the price you pay for showing people you have respect for yourself.

I have mixed emotions here. I'm feeling kind of guilty as if I did something really wrong to her, but I'm feeling justified as well in letting her know that I'm not a doormat.

Can anyone else comment on this.

 

[Kal0051]

well, I don't think you should feel guilty. She probably just wanted you as a distraction like you think.

 

[Canadian Catnip]

well, I don't think you should feel guilty. She probably just wanted you as a distraction like you think.

Thanks for that.

The question I am asking myself was how much of MY interpretation of what she meant did I put into what she said.

You meet someone and they say, wow I haven't seen you in 6 months, sit down and tell me what you have been up to, I'm just sitting here studying and I'm so bored.

I was wondering if I overreacted to the bored comment. It's hard to tell sometimes and I might have blown her off simply over my interpretation of what she meant.

I took it that she was only happy to have bumped into me because she was bored and not that she wanted to see ME in particular. As I said earlier, if she really wanted to chat with me she could have called at any time.

 

[ElStud]

Haha, now that makes sense, you blew her off and you're the one feeling ashamed. Don't feel ashamed. Forget her, don't think another thing of her, other girls are waiting for you man.

 

[Canadian Catnip]

Haha, now that makes sense, you blew her off and you're the one feeling ashamed. Don't feel ashamed. Forget her, don't think another thing of her, other girls are waiting for you man.

You know, if she had just said. "I haven't seen you in 6 months come sit with me and we can catch up" I would have sat down and spent some time with her.

But after she added the part that she was bored I thought. "Sorry gal, I ain't here to entertain you, if your bored then go find someone else"

 

[Igetit!]

I like this. Everything you said here clearly indicates that your time here on the forum is not for nothing. You do "get it". You understand. Everything you described about how you used to think in the past,I used to be the same way. It's too bad that more of the members here don't have the same frame of mind that you do,to have pride and self-respect for themselves. I have a friend who is currently the way you used to be. I keep trying and trying to get him to wake up and snap out of it,and he understands a little of what I tell him,but for the most part,he is controlled by his desire for women.

You've done what I've been trying to get him to do....which is to put your dignity and self-respect as a man above your desire for sex. It's more important for women to treat you right and respect you than for you to have sex. Most guys put sex ahead of women respecting them. When you do this,when you make getting sex paramount above your self-worth,you might get sex,but you won't get anything long term. You won't get a relationship.
The way you treat yourself is how women will think you'll let her (and others) treat you. This not only translates into how she sees you treat yourself,but your belongings and property as well. So to a woman,if you're not willing to stand up for yourself,then you won't be willing to stand up for her. If you let people treat you any kind of way,then she'll think you'll let people treat her any kind of way. And no woman wants that. That's why you might get sex.but you won't get a relationship because she won't feel safe with you.
The ironic thing about this is that you showing this girl that you won't be used for her entertainment purposes and the way you stood up for yourself more than likely will make her attracted to you. Don't be surprised if she starts showing you some real,genuine interest. And it won't be because of some trick or tactic,it'll be because of the way you carry yourself.

As far as I'm concerned,you're a Sosuave success story. Because ultimately,the goal isn't sex. The goal is for you to be a man.

+1 rep. point.

 

[Canadian Catnip]

I like this. Everything you said here clearly indicates that your time here on the forum is not for nothing.

Thanks for the kind words Igetit. I just GOT your username.

I've been reflecting on what I wrote earlier and have come to the following conclusions.

Even though I consider my time to be valuable I still had a hard time saying no to this women. After saying no, I felt ashamed, as if I had done something wrong.

Also, I realized that this women just assumed that I would change whatever I was doing to spend time with her.

A lot of women have this default attitude about men. I'll just ask him for what I want and he will bend over backwards to accommodate me.

It's hard to make these changes. To start standing up on your own two feet and doing things that others will probably not like. But that doesn't mean the changes are not worth making.

The worst part is that even though I can make a decision like that today it doesn't mean I'm free and clear of this problem. Tomorrow or next week I could easily fall back into my old behavior again.

It reminds me of David D and his advice about answering women. He said if a women asks you a question the answer should be most of the time "no".

Your also right on the goal. It's not to be good with women, it's not to get good at getting sex, it's all about becoming a man. I get it. You get it.

 

[DJDamage]

Don't feel ashamed, feel proud.

You know whats up now. You know that this girl is full of sh1t and your refusal to be her pawn is called progress.

You entered her head and knew exectly what she was thinking:

"Oh goody! the guy that paid alot of attention to me and entertained me in between fvcking my boyfriend is back and as long as he knows and understands his role, I will be happy"

Good riddance.

 

[jophil28]

She says hi and tells me she was thinking about me because she saw my name on her phone the other day as she was scrolling through her address book and was wondering about me. She said she almost considered calling me.

"She almost CONSIDERED calling me."
Wow, now that is a bold statement.

WHat does it mean ?

This is the translation..
" I am a little taken aback about suddenly meeting you like this after all this time apart, but I want you to THINK that I have some residual affection for you, so I am going to invent a story about how I INTENDED to almost call you . I am doing this because I want you to stay out there in an outer orbit in case you can do something for me again one day."

And then.. " I am bored with study today, so it is convenient that you appeared today because you can entertain me and give me some ego strokes until I have had enough of you ONCE AGAIN . Then I will make some lame excuse and take off feeling all warm because I KNOW that deep down you want to bleep me. "

Jophils' wisdom. "The greatest truth is in their behavior."

 

[Canadian Catnip]

"She almost CONSIDERED calling me."
Wow, now that is a bold statement.

WHat does it mean ?

This is the translation..
" I am a little taken aback about suddenly meeting you like this after all this time apart, but I want you to THINK that I have some residual affection for you, so I am going to invent a story about how I INTENDED to almost call you . I am doing this because I want you to stay out there in an outer orbit in case you can do something for me again one day."

And then.. " I am bored with study today, so it is convenient that you appeared today because you can entertain me and give me some ego strokes until I have had enough of you ONCE AGAIN . Then I will make some lame excuse and take off feeling all warm because I KNOW that deep down you want to bleep me. "

Jophils' wisdom. "The greatest truth is in their behavior."

My translation.

Oh hi. I'm surprised that I bumped into you here, sorry for me, I'll be more careful next time and look ahead so I can avoid you before we meet.

You were going to call me? Oh that's nice, I did not have any plans to call you any time soon, as a matter of fact I threw your number away. Funny how whenever we meet up you say you were just about to call me. So how can I get away from you as quickly as possible and still achieve a modicum of social decorum. Well you caught me at a bad time because my car is in a 20 min zone, so sorry, it's the law you know, I can't stay here.

Your studying, how nice to hear that you are doing things. you want to tell me more about what you have been up to since we last met. Oh and your bored and need a break from said studying for a while. Well I have a life and I was living it before you came up to me and decided that taking care of your boredom was the most important thing I needed to be doing at the moment.

More stuff about you, well you have had a busy few months, but I have to run now, you know the car thing, I'll let you get back to that studying thing now ok. Bu bye

 

[Desert Fox]

Hi Guys.

It's tough killing the nice guy inside of me and he took another hit yesterday.

I knew this girl around 23 or 24, she has a BF and we used to talk about 6 months ago. We exchanged phone numbers and chatted and went for coffee together a few times. I was Mr. nice of course and never did anything.

Fast forward to yesterday. I had the misfortune of running into her at a coffee shop. I ran in to get a coffee to go. I was in a 20 minute loading zone. Just as I was ready to leave she see me as she is returning from the bathroom.

She says hi and tells me she was thinking about me because she saw my name on her phone the other day as she was scrolling through her address book and was wondering about me. She said she almost considered calling me.

She asked me to sit with her and talk so we could catch up, plus she was so bored from studying for the last hour.

I was not in the mood to see her or talk to her then and there so I told her I only had a few minutes as I was parked in a loading zone.

Basically we chatted for a few minutes and I got up to leave.

Two things struck me in what she said. I'll tell you what I used to think and what I think today.

One. She was going to call me because she saw my number on her phone the other day while in the address book. Before, I would have felt glad that she said she was thinking about me, but now I see that as a complete bullsh!t statement. If she wanted to spend time with me she would have called.

Second. She wanted me to sit and talk with her because she was so bored of studying. Before, I would have been happy to spend time with her, but now I realize that she considered me just another distraction or a break in her studying. Once she had her fill of chatting I'm sure she would have dismissed me and told me she really had to get back to the books and that I could leave now.

I got the feeling she could sense the change in me. I was not going to give up my time to her just because she was bored.

I did feel a little ashamed after leaving but I realized that it's the price you pay for showing people you have respect for yourself.

I have mixed emotions here. I'm feeling kind of guilty as if I did something really wrong to her, but I'm feeling justified as well in letting her know that I'm not a doormat.

Can anyone else comment on this.

I love reading stories like this! The "shame" is the AFC talking. Kill that inner loser and as you develop more respect for yourself it will feel more natural and second nature. I loved reading this because I have had many similar experiences like this and I am a better man for it.

I can read people so easily now and see what they want. If it jives with what I want then I do it, if not I drop them.

 

[Canadian Catnip]

I can read people so easily now and see what they want. If it jives with what I want then I do it, if not I drop them.

I am getting good at reading people as well.

When I got up to leave I noticed that she started moving her arms around. She had a hoodie on, and she put her hands in her pockets and started to hug herself several times. She zipped it up and then unzipped it and was generally fumbling he arms around for a good 10 seconds or so. She definitly had some nervous energy she was trying to get rid of. I don't think she was aware of what she was doing but I definitely was.

She was either nervous or uncomfortable. It happened just after I got up to leave and was saying goodbye to her. She was still talking as I was trying to inch myself away from her.

It was all happening at once, I was moving away, she was still talking and moving her arms. It was almost like she was trying to grab me with her arms and pull me back except her hands were in her pockets.

Before, I never would have noticed things like that but in the last few years I've been trying to be more observant of body language.