Novelus
Don Juan
I'm still new at this.
I started talking to a 24 year old (I'm my early 30s) at OK Cupid. She is deaf. I am hard of hearing.
After exchanging messages with her for about two weeks, she gave me her cell phone number, unasked. This was so we could start texting. Since she's deaf, it was the only way, really.
I was looking forward to meeting her, not only to see if something more could develop, but to sort of compare notes with someone else who has a hearing disability. I, myself, am Hard of hearing, but not to the extent she is. She was sent to a state school for deaf people when she was little. I was spared that fate and grew up in a hearing world, but with a difficult hearing disability. So, having not had deaf/HOH friends before, I was looking forward to comparing notes.
Thing was that she was advertising for "friends with benefits, friendship, and maybe even a committed relationship". Her words on her OkCupid profile, more or less.
After about four weeks of texts back and forth and her blowing off my requests to meet in person at least 3 or 4 times, I asked her if she had a Facebook account. She added me to her Facebook.
She had pictures of the regular grade school where both she and I started off. I went on to regular Junior High, she went afterwards to the deaf school. But she had pictures on her Facebook from that grade school and from the deaf school. The grade school photos were jogging my memory and I was commenting on the photos that I recognized so-and-so hearing-impaired teacher, or that I remember the wall mural in the lunch room, it was really cool.
Also commented on some of the pictures of the deaf school... it is interesting to me, because I could have easily gone there. The teachers wanted to send me there, but my parents demanded that the teachers try harder... so I stayed. Anyway, all of this is interesting... it's another world I could have been a part of, but never was. so I was commenting and saying how interesting it was to see how they did certain things at teh deaf school.
What I found strange at that point, was she texted me on my phone:
"Would you please cool it with the photo comments? Not to be a ***** or anything..." (exact quote)
This immediately struck me as strange, because I've been on Facebook a long time, and no one has ever said that to me before. My first response was one of shock and surprise and I texted back: "Okay....
"
Then I started to get upset by it. And I sent a message to her on Facebook saying that no one had ever asked that, and if she didn't want comments on her photo, she shouldn't post photos. I told her that she was rude for doing so and that (yes, I really said this) that she wasn't being a ***** for saying so, but an a**h*le. I told her not to text me again until she is ready to talk to me like a real person, instead of sitting on messages for days and days, and even weeks without response.
I showed her text to a couple guys and a couple girls at work and all of them thought that her request for me to "cool it" on the photo comments was very strange for Facebook. After all, it is Facebook, it lives and breathes commenting. All of them agreed with me that it was rude of her to text that to me.
Two days went by and today she text back with: "I don't stay friends with people who snap the smallest things. I think you are an a**h*le. I'm defriending you on Facebook and removing your number from my cellphone. Goodbye."
Well.... she has a point. I didn't handle things right.
I got her text about the photo comments while i was at work, and I was very stressed out from work and college as well. Anyone who knows me can vouch that this is not a normal response for me, to get pissed off and tell off someone.
But I did recognize that I didn't handle it right. And I recognized that whether or not she was rude to text to me about the photo comments, it wasn't cool of me to respond to it the way I did.
So even though she said she defriended me on Facebook and removed me from her cell phone, I texted an appology to her. I said that I was sorry for misreading, overreacting, and calling her a bad name." I explained that I am very stressed out at work and school, but that it didn't excuse my lapse of manners. I told her I should have clarified what she meant exactly before responding. I wished her the best for her life and future and said Goodbye.
I figured the least I could to do is apologize for how I handled it. I do not expect a reply, I did not text the apology to her in order to elicit a reply from her. I apologized because I was taught that is what you do.
I know that anything between she and I is over and it doesn't bother me too much. There are other women that I am talking to. What bothers me about this is that I could have handled this better... not just the Facebook photo comment, but also from the very beginning on OK Cupid.
From the beginning, I probably displayed AFC signs. Why else would it take four weeks and her turning down a meeting 3 or 4 times?
I probably should not have asked for and joined her Facebook page. It created too much familiarity.
And whether or not her text about my photo comments was rude or not, no matter whether or not male and female coworkers agreed with me on this point, I should not have reacted angrily to her text.
I may have felt like I was standing up for myself, but it didn't really accomplish anything. If I really felt like things were going in an inexcusable direction, then I could have simply let our conversations slow and fade.
Part of the subconscious reason for my anger, I think, was that here was someone I could connect with who could understand where I've been in life as a Hard of Hearing individual. People with full hearing really don't understand what it is like. And I was commenting on elements in the photo that hit close to home in that area. And her only reaction to that was, "Cool it with the comments". I think that was the real reason for my anger. It was like it didn't matter. But that was a subconscious interpretation, due to my own insecurities about my hearing and so forth. That was my problem.
Any other thoughts? I'm sure many of you will have something to add.
I started talking to a 24 year old (I'm my early 30s) at OK Cupid. She is deaf. I am hard of hearing.
After exchanging messages with her for about two weeks, she gave me her cell phone number, unasked. This was so we could start texting. Since she's deaf, it was the only way, really.
I was looking forward to meeting her, not only to see if something more could develop, but to sort of compare notes with someone else who has a hearing disability. I, myself, am Hard of hearing, but not to the extent she is. She was sent to a state school for deaf people when she was little. I was spared that fate and grew up in a hearing world, but with a difficult hearing disability. So, having not had deaf/HOH friends before, I was looking forward to comparing notes.
Thing was that she was advertising for "friends with benefits, friendship, and maybe even a committed relationship". Her words on her OkCupid profile, more or less.
After about four weeks of texts back and forth and her blowing off my requests to meet in person at least 3 or 4 times, I asked her if she had a Facebook account. She added me to her Facebook.
She had pictures of the regular grade school where both she and I started off. I went on to regular Junior High, she went afterwards to the deaf school. But she had pictures on her Facebook from that grade school and from the deaf school. The grade school photos were jogging my memory and I was commenting on the photos that I recognized so-and-so hearing-impaired teacher, or that I remember the wall mural in the lunch room, it was really cool.
Also commented on some of the pictures of the deaf school... it is interesting to me, because I could have easily gone there. The teachers wanted to send me there, but my parents demanded that the teachers try harder... so I stayed. Anyway, all of this is interesting... it's another world I could have been a part of, but never was. so I was commenting and saying how interesting it was to see how they did certain things at teh deaf school.
What I found strange at that point, was she texted me on my phone:
"Would you please cool it with the photo comments? Not to be a ***** or anything..." (exact quote)
This immediately struck me as strange, because I've been on Facebook a long time, and no one has ever said that to me before. My first response was one of shock and surprise and I texted back: "Okay....
"Then I started to get upset by it. And I sent a message to her on Facebook saying that no one had ever asked that, and if she didn't want comments on her photo, she shouldn't post photos. I told her that she was rude for doing so and that (yes, I really said this) that she wasn't being a ***** for saying so, but an a**h*le. I told her not to text me again until she is ready to talk to me like a real person, instead of sitting on messages for days and days, and even weeks without response.
I showed her text to a couple guys and a couple girls at work and all of them thought that her request for me to "cool it" on the photo comments was very strange for Facebook. After all, it is Facebook, it lives and breathes commenting. All of them agreed with me that it was rude of her to text that to me.
Two days went by and today she text back with: "I don't stay friends with people who snap the smallest things. I think you are an a**h*le. I'm defriending you on Facebook and removing your number from my cellphone. Goodbye."
Well.... she has a point. I didn't handle things right.
I got her text about the photo comments while i was at work, and I was very stressed out from work and college as well. Anyone who knows me can vouch that this is not a normal response for me, to get pissed off and tell off someone.
But I did recognize that I didn't handle it right. And I recognized that whether or not she was rude to text to me about the photo comments, it wasn't cool of me to respond to it the way I did.
So even though she said she defriended me on Facebook and removed me from her cell phone, I texted an appology to her. I said that I was sorry for misreading, overreacting, and calling her a bad name." I explained that I am very stressed out at work and school, but that it didn't excuse my lapse of manners. I told her I should have clarified what she meant exactly before responding. I wished her the best for her life and future and said Goodbye.
I figured the least I could to do is apologize for how I handled it. I do not expect a reply, I did not text the apology to her in order to elicit a reply from her. I apologized because I was taught that is what you do.
I know that anything between she and I is over and it doesn't bother me too much. There are other women that I am talking to. What bothers me about this is that I could have handled this better... not just the Facebook photo comment, but also from the very beginning on OK Cupid.
From the beginning, I probably displayed AFC signs. Why else would it take four weeks and her turning down a meeting 3 or 4 times?
I probably should not have asked for and joined her Facebook page. It created too much familiarity.
And whether or not her text about my photo comments was rude or not, no matter whether or not male and female coworkers agreed with me on this point, I should not have reacted angrily to her text.
I may have felt like I was standing up for myself, but it didn't really accomplish anything. If I really felt like things were going in an inexcusable direction, then I could have simply let our conversations slow and fade.
Part of the subconscious reason for my anger, I think, was that here was someone I could connect with who could understand where I've been in life as a Hard of Hearing individual. People with full hearing really don't understand what it is like. And I was commenting on elements in the photo that hit close to home in that area. And her only reaction to that was, "Cool it with the comments". I think that was the real reason for my anger. It was like it didn't matter. But that was a subconscious interpretation, due to my own insecurities about my hearing and so forth. That was my problem.
Any other thoughts? I'm sure many of you will have something to add.