Bitterness.

[perseverance]

I was having a discussion with a friend over a beer earlier in the evening and the subject of bitterness arose after he admitted that after splitting up with his girlfriend four months ago that he is still bitter and resentful towards her (She cheated on him).

He asked me questions about bitterness, questions that I just couldn't answer. I have felt bitter towards to women who I've liked and who have a) played games with me b) lied to me continuously c) disrespected me! I have always walked away from these women and never spoken to them again and afterwards I have always had a feeling of resentment towards them and an air of bitterness, though since joining this site I seem to have snapped out of it.

I'd be interested to know what causes this horrible, self-defeating emotion? Is it an 'AFC' trait? Is it a natural trait? Do 'DJ's and Alpha's' get this emotion of bitterness? How can it be avoid and how do you ensure it doesn't grab hold of you?

 

[pdx1138]

well, if I have other plates spinning, I tend to forget any bitterness and just don't care anymore.

 

[perseverance]

well, if I have other plates spinning, I tend to forget any bitterness and just don't care anymore.

I stopped caring about this stuff when I learnt not to take it seriously and remember that it's just a game. My friend was with this girl for nearly seven years. He's only twenty three and has never had another girlfriend or been with another woman and he looks a lot different now to how he did in May. I want to be able to help him get over it and move on. I've tried to get him to come out with me and the lads clubbing, he declines. I've tried to get him to come to a brothel, he says that's "skanky" and he doesn't want to do that. I even had tickets to see some local bands, he wasn't interested.

Is there any good material on tackling bitterness, that I can print off and hand to him? I haven't looked properly, so I will do after I have posted this reply. I might even get him to download the Book of Pook and the DJ Bible to see if that helps.

It's ashame to see him in this state because he's young, has a good job with great prospects has a decent car and has savings. If anybody should be in his position it is me, because I have none of that at the moment. But the shoe is on the other foot.

 

[macagent]

To me, bitterness is stored or ongoing negativity, focused towards a particular thing/person/event. Like other negative emotions it affects you the worst, and ultimately becomes a distraction from the positives you should be focusing on.

 

[Jariel]

If I'm honest, I still harbour some bitterness towards my ex and women who did wrong by me. It's not natural to forgive and forget people who do wrong by you. That's just being a doormat.

The key is being able to channel that bitterness into productive motivation. Learn from your mistakes with these women and use it to your advantage in future. Just avoid falling into the old spiral of hating all women and prejudging them as the same. You just got unlucky a few times.

 

[macagent]

...My friend was with this girl for nearly seven years. He's only twenty three and has never had another girlfriend or been with another woman and he looks a lot different now to how he did in May. I want to be able to help him get over it and move on. I've tried to get him to come out with me and the lads clubbing, he declines. I've tried to get him to come to a brothel, he says that's "skanky" and he doesn't want to do that. I even had tickets to see some local bands, he wasn't interested.

That sounds a bit more like depression than bitterness to me. Bitterness is more like "all women lie! I'll never trust one again, and forget about any LTR. They're only good for ****ing! goddamn *****es!!!" as you throw down a couple pints with your bros at the pub.

The whole "I don't want to do anything, or go anywhere that may take me out of this ****ty mood. I like it "here" (this state of mind) and I'm staying for the foreseeable future." that you describe your friend being in, is much more like a depressive state... Proceed carefully, and consider suggesting professional help if he becomes despondent or is unable to progress through at least some of these emotions within a few months.

IMO, getting him laid will likely be the best thing that could happen to him at this point. Try a mellow approach, maybe a weekday evening at the pub with the mates for starters?

The real issue here is that any 16 yr old male would even consider being in a relationship for 7 years at that point in his life. And look where it's brought him. This is a direct result of female propaganda, and the faulty paradigm that has been foisted on society. <- See, that's bitter

 

[perseverance]

That sounds a bit more like depression than bitterness to me. Bitterness is more like "all women lie! I'll never trust one again, and forget about any LTR. They're only good for ****ing! goddamn *****es!!!" as you throw down a couple pints with your bros at the pub.

That sounds like me at times , though I am not really like that anymore. Thank Godness, I guess it's natural though right?

Thanks for the advice on my mate, he'll be right. I'm going to try and get him to come out with me and a few mates on the weekend, get him on the dancefloor.

Is it bitter to ignore an old girl you used to be interested in but who f*cked you around? I saw one of these women a few months ago and just walked past her like she wasn't even there and carried on with my day.

I'm not one for keeping people in my life who disrespect me and mess me about though.

 

[macagent]

Is it bitter to ignore an old girl you used to be interested in but who f*cked you around? I saw one of these women a few months ago and just walked past her like she wasn't even there and carried on with my day.

It depends on your internal dialogue around the event. If you see her, and think to yourself "****ed up *****, blah blah blah" then it might be bitterness. Alternately, when you see her, and your thoughts are more like "oh, there's that girl" but you don't have interest/time/energy to spend any more thought or attention on her, then you are probably just moving along fine. It's really only a question you can answer for yourself, based on a truthful evaluation of your thoughts and feelings.

 

[perseverance]

It depends on your internal dialogue around the event. If you see her, and think to yourself "****ed up *****, blah blah blah" then it might be bitterness. Alternately, when you see her, and your thoughts are more like "oh, there's that girl" but you don't have interest/time/energy to spend any more thought or attention on her, then you are probably just moving along fine. It's really only a question you can answer for yourself, based on a truthful evaluation of your thoughts and feelings.

I didn't give it that much thought at the time, I saw her and just carried on about my business. Afterwards I did have the thought of "what a horrible b*tch", so I guess I could still be a bit bitter. I mean this girl, slated me to the hilt when she was drunk (to be fair we had several arguments before hand where I laid into her), called me all sorts of stuff, then she tries to get some bloke to beat me up in a nightclub (a month later) after she deliberately barged into me and I told her to get lost. I had cut her off at this point. Then a month later I find out from my Sisters boyfriend that this girl had gone up to him and told her I was stalking her, obsessed with her and I was a weirdo. I mean WTF. However as I am typing this I am laughing because although this girl did my head in, I found her immaturity and attention seeking behaviour highly amusing. So I guess I'm not as bitter after all?

 

[macagent]

Y'know, sometimes ya just got to call a turd a turd, and she sounds like a particularly smelly one!

I don't believe we can completely remove these thoughts and feelings from ourselves anyway, and the thing is not to get attached to them or spend too much time in that "space" which can derail you from your real objectives.

 

[pdx1138]

perseverance, wow, damn.

Your friend is massively depressed and will need time to heal. It might take him at least a year to get over that. I can't imagine the pain he must have gone through.

Keep trying to get him out and about though. That will help.