Best Friend Planning On Moving In with GF of 8 months! Advice!!!

[Pimp-sicle]

My best friend of over 10 years is planning on moving in with his gf of 8 months in a few weeks.

He's going to call me this evening to discuss & get some advice and I DEFINITELY think he's making a HUGE mistake.

Some background info:

- He's 29, she's 26. He told me he see's the potential to get married to her down the line, wants to live with her to see if it will work out.

- He's never spun plates in his life. He's too scared to cold approach.

- He's a good looking guy, so he gets some girls here & there, but they literally have to fall into his lap for anything to happen.

- One major issue within their relationship is his passiveness. They have got in several arguments over it & she doesn't understand why he doesn't stand up for her in those instances.

- He's only banged 4-5 girls in his life.

-His gf is def the dominant one in the relationship & while I do like her and think they are good together, I think moving in together will be the pre-cursor to the end of their relationship.


Looking for some pearls of wisdom I can drop on him when we speak from all you guys.

Part of the problem is he see's me as being jaded & thinking all women are back stabbing byatches because of all the experiences I have been thru & witnessed.

The biggest issue I see is he will completely lose what little independence he has left if they move in together.


Open to everyone's point of view & thoughts.












PIMP

 

[Kailex]

My advice: Be supportive.
Definitely do NOT be an accomplice. In the end, he's the one making the decision. State your case and give a good argument if you need to... but don't get angry if he doesn't see it your way.

All you really can do is be there for him as a friend when the inevitable happens.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Since he wants to discuss it with you there must be a sliver of doubt in his mind.

If he thinks you're "jaded," try to be as positive as possible while presenting him with his alternatives.

Some guys will only hear what they want to, however, so you have an uphill battle. I don't have a magic bullet for you. The most important thing is to figure out what HE wants. Moving in is usually a female's idea.

Its actually terrible timing for him to drop this news on me because I was JUST telling him last night about another couple we know that's going thru a really messy divorce; RO, false allegations, 2 innocent kids involved etc.

He text me the news this morning. I think he was planning on telling me last night, but didn't because I was telling him about this story.

But I like your advice, I'll def be supportive, after all he's my best friend & has always been there for me.

If he was a total Alpha, who understood this whole dynamic, had more experience with women & knew how to keep his girl in check, I'd have some hope. But he's the furtherest thing from that.

And it was my idea to chat, so we will see how open he is to advice.








PIMP

 

[Pimp-sicle]

My advice: Be supportive.
Definitely do NOT be an accomplice. In the end, he's the one making the decision. State your case and give a good argument if you need to... but don't get angry if he doesn't see it your way.

All you really can do is be there for him as a friend when the inevitable happens.

Good advice & I agree with you here.

I def would never get mad at him, I look at him as a brother & if anything would give him tough love, but never in an @ss-wholish manner.







PIMP

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

Well, like your friend was saying, it's one way to find out if it will work. Better than jumping into a marriage...right?

Yeah, and you definitely want to keep the lines of communication open with your friend. You seem like a relaxed dude, so I'm sure your buddy will come to you if it doesn't work out, knowing you wouldn't be the guy to say I told you so. You don't want him to try to make it work just so he can prove you wrong haha.

 

[ludis]

Any backround on what sort of incidents his girlfriend thinks he should be more assertive/aggressive on?

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

My best friend of over 10 years is planning on moving in with his gf of 8 months in a few weeks.

He's going to call me this evening to discuss & get some advice and I DEFINITELY think he's making a HUGE mistake.

....

Open to everyone's point of view & thoughts.

Despite your good intentions, NOBODY likes unasked for advice. Since it was your idea to chat, go easy on him. Don't GIVE any advice. Just be patient and ask questions. Remove all judgement from your voice. Ask the following questions with 100% pure, supportive curiosity. Not leading questions like a cop.

Ask questions like this:

Why do you think this girl is for you?

How do you two see yourself in a few months?

What kinds of problems do you foresee?

Have you ever gotten into a huge fight with her?

Then just tell him that you support whatever decision he makes, and tell him what you'd do were you in his situation.

And start looking for a new best friend.

To a guy who's only had a handful of GF's in his life, the idea of moving in with steady Puzzy is too good an idea to pass up.

If you talk him out of it, he'll be resentful. If you don't talk him out of it, and he knows you were trying to, he'll feel resentful. Even if you try and talk him out of it, and it doesn't work and this relationship blows up in his face, he'll still likely feel resentful.

Just ask some open ended questions to get him thinking along lines he maybe hasn't thought of but realize that his decision may likely be made.

Don't wreck your friendship over trying to be "right."

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

Despite your good intentions, NOBODY likes unasked for advice. Since it was your idea to chat, go easy on him. Don't GIVE any advice. Just be patient and ask questions. Remove all judgement from your voice. Ask the following questions with 100% pure, supportive curiosity. Not leading questions like a cop.

Ask questions like this:

Why do you think this girl is for you?

How do you two see yourself in a few months?

What kinds of problems do you foresee?

Have you ever gotten into a huge fight with her?

Then just tell him that you support whatever decision he makes, and tell him what you'd do were you in his situation.

And start looking for a new best friend.

To a guy who's only had a handful of GF's in his life, the idea of moving in with steady Puzzy is too good an idea to pass up.

If you talk him out of it, he'll be resentful. If you don't talk him out of it, and he knows you were trying to, he'll feel resentful. Even if you try and talk him out of it, and it doesn't work and this relationship blows up in his face, he'll still likely feel resentful.

Just ask some open ended questions to get him thinking along lines he maybe hasn't thought of but realize that his decision may likely be made.

Don't wreck your friendship over trying to be "right."

Tried to rep you on this one.

I PREACH this. It's like a known sales strategy: "telling isn't selling". If they think about it and come up with the right answer themselves it's 10 times better than you telling them the way to do it.

Or shall I rephrase: When dealing with someone close to you who is torn about a particular personal matter, do you feel it's better for them to come up with the right way to deal with it on there own? Or do you feel it's better for you to tell them the right way?

Therapy 101

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Well, like your friend was saying, it's one way to find out if it will work. Better than jumping into a marriage...right?

True, but my point is this guy while not a complete chump at this point, is really losing every last bit of freedom he has for this girl, who he barely knows.

He said his plan is to propose to her within a year.

Yeah, and you definitely want to keep the lines of communication open with your friend. You seem like a relaxed dude, so I'm sure your buddy will come to you if it doesn't work out, knowing you wouldn't be the guy to say I told you so. You don't want him to try to make it work just so he can prove you wrong haha.

Yeah definitely.

I mean I have been right about almost every situation he has been in over the years.

Perfect example, about 5-6 years ago, he met a chick out at the bars. They started hanging out & after 2 dates, (yes I kid you not), HE asked her to be his gf, without even getting to bang her first.

Back then I was def more of a loose cannon & just flat out told him he was being a total chump & making a huge mistake. He is very calm guy and that is one of the only times we got in an argument.

He started blowing me off to hang out with her, then on nights when she said she might want to hang out, he would wait at home to see if she was free & sometimes end up just sitting at home because he was putting her above anything else.

A month in & they still hadn't had sex, finally they started to bang after 3 months, then one day out of the blue, she broke up with him over a text message when they were suppose to go out to dinner.

Obviously he has learned a lot since then, but in many ways I see this as a much bigger potential mistake because of what his end goal is and what is at stake.

It is a year lease btw.








PIMP

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Any backround on what sort of incidents his girlfriend thinks he should be more assertive/aggressive on?

Yes.

Basically he has two sisters, who are pretty outspoken & not shy to voice their opinion when they don't care for someone.

In many ways even though one sister is older & the other is younger, they play the role of protector to their brother. So in some regards I don't think they would really truly like whoever he dates.

But the particular issue that keeps popping up is this:

They will all be out at a club/bar or social event. My buddy & his gf will be all lovey dovey with each other and affectionate and his sister's will roll their eyes or make sarcastic comments like "oh gawwwd" "that's pathetic" etc.

This has happened several times and every time, my buddy just sits their quiet and doesn't say anything back to his sisters. Its really juvenile.

His gf has been nothing, but friendly with both his sisters. Letting the younger one borrow some of her clothes, but again they have made it very evident that they don't like her for whatever reason.

My buddy & his gf have got in several arguments over this, where she tells him he needs to assert himself more or it could lead to major problems in their relationship.

From what I know this issue still lingers in her mind constantly & he seems to always agree with her that she is right. That's just the type of guy he is, very non-confrontational & passive.

In many ways I think he's already emotionally brainwashed & while I do wish him the best, its sad to watch too.








PIMP

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Despite your good intentions, NOBODY likes unasked for advice. Since it was your idea to chat, go easy on him. Don't GIVE any advice. Just be patient and ask questions. Remove all judgement from your voice. Ask the following questions with 100% pure, supportive curiosity. Not leading questions like a cop.

Ask questions like this:

Why do you think this girl is for you?

How do you two see yourself in a few months?

What kinds of problems do you foresee?

Have you ever gotten into a huge fight with her?

Then just tell him that you support whatever decision he makes, and tell him what you'd do were you in his situation.

And start looking for a new best friend.

To a guy who's only had a handful of GF's in his life, the idea of moving in with steady Puzzy is too good an idea to pass up.

If you talk him out of it, he'll be resentful. If you don't talk him out of it, and he knows you were trying to, he'll feel resentful. Even if you try and talk him out of it, and it doesn't work and this relationship blows up in his face, he'll still likely feel resentful.

Just ask some open ended questions to get him thinking along lines he maybe hasn't thought of but realize that his decision may likely be made.

Don't wreck your friendship over trying to be "right."

Brillant post & even though I didn't get to read it before I spoke with him, I ended up doing a lot of this anyways.

There was no chance I would ruin my friendship with him over this, he is a very solid guy. And I know that a lot of people need to learn by experiencing it first hand.

I'll post a re-cap of the conversation next.









PIMP

 

[Pimp-sicle]

RECAP OF OUR CONVERSATION

Started off right off the bat telling him that I was surprised to see his text, but I would always support him whatever he decides to do.

Told him at the end of the day, you have to do things because they make YOU happy & forget about what anyone else thinks, but at the same time have perspective of the whole situation.

He agreed.

I then went into question mode:

-Who's idea was it to move in together?

-Why are you guys moving in together at this point?

-Do you see a long term future with this girl?



He told me she brought up the subject 2-3 months ago. Which kinda blows me away, that after 5 months of dating, she wanted to move in together. That is when they were at the height of their problems with his passiveness.

It should also be noted that this girl, while I have only seen good things from her, has a very strong personality. While he is the polar opposite.
My buddy is the first "nice guy" she has ever dated, every guy she dated before was the bad-boy type.

He went on to say that he does see a long term future with her and plans on proposing to her within a year if things go well. He said he realizes that it might be a huge mistake, but at the same time he has never lived with a girl, so he wants to experience it.

At no point did either of us argue, just tried to get a better understanding of each's perspective.

I did mention how awesome an idea of moving in seems initially & how different it really is in reality.

Mentioned a few things about losing that competition anxiety that keeps a girl's sexual interest high & how that time away really keeps the relationship fresh when you don't live together.

He said my points were valid & he understood that I was simply looking out for his best interest.

Said he had his mind made up & it will be happening at the start of September.

Him and I already had dwindled down to only hanging out a couple times a month, & I have several other friends I go out with, so no big loss in that sense, but I just really really hope it works out for him.

He is going to be a WRECK if it goes downhill.










PIMP

 

[Colossus]

Personally I think cohabitation outside of marriage is weak sauce. It's a half-ass commitment and is statistically more likely to end in marital dissolution. I just don't buy the whole "trail marriage" argument. Rubbish. I've drawn a line in the sand there.

That aside though, Taiyuu had the best advice. Just frame open-ended, non-judgmental questions to him (like you probably already did), and do your best to make him aware of what a bad decision this is, ideally by letting him connect the dots himself.

Chances are he is past the point of no return though, and this may be a hard life lesson.

 

[ludis]

The fact that your friend's girlfriend complains about his passivity towards his sisters *****iness is at least ironic; he obviously cultivates some degree of supplication towards the female gender.

It seems that it is exactly this supplicant behavior that allows him to even consider moving in with her after her prompting.

It's a fine line from here on out.

You can't just sit back and watch your friend willingly tie his own noose but at the same time you can't be undermining his decisions.

Just be there for him, ever vigilant about his wellbeing in a positive way, and try to ask the right questions at the right time.

 

[Kailex]

Personally I think cohabitation outside of marriage is weak sauce. It's a half-ass commitment and is statistically more likely to end in marital dissolution. I just don't buy the whole "trail marriage" argument. Rubbish. I've drawn a line in the sand there.

I have to agree wholeheartedly as someone who has already done it twice.

And it ended up okay once... and as a huge expense the second time.
Breaking a lease because of a breakup is not fun and not exactly cheap.

The only way I'd ever live with anyone again is if we were already engaged and to be married at some point.

I used to think the opposite way, but now I see that the whole "test the waters" can lead to early exits simply because their is that easy way out. You're better off waiting an extra year and living by yourself than jumping right into it.

 

[AAAgent]

PIMP

Be careful how you handle the situation with your best friend. My best friend since i was 13 and who said i'd be his best man blocked me on Gchat, facebook, and ignored all my calls because his soon to be fiance at the time told him to. She told him to because i wouldn't unfriend his exgf from facebook. His ex gf was my other best friends current gf (don't ask me how this happened but my 2 best friends have never been close so it wasn't any drama between them).

I've also told him many times to find other girls. The girl he is now going to marry who he defriended me for and made his college room mate his new best man and never even told me (found out through facebook) is 24 or 25 now. was married and divorced before 22, doesn't have a college education, and doesn't even have a stable job. She's pretty and models.

It's not always bro's before hoe's so be careful if you want to keep your friend. I don't care in my situation as i'd rather not have a friend like that anyway but just my 2 cents.

 

[Alvafe]

hmm I would first ask what he thinks? who idea was? and ask if he don't think is too soon for that, moving together is almost like a marriage, no diference other then paper, also asking where he will live (new house or moving to his or her house) pretty much gather info from him and ask him what he think about it all.

even if he asked for opnion it will depend if he will listen or not, it won't be the first time someone ask for someone opnion just to see if they agree with then if not they ignore everything else you say

 

[zekko]

Personally I think cohabitation outside of marriage is weak sauce. It's a half-ass commitment and is statistically more likely to end in marital dissolution. I just don't buy the whole "trail marriage" argument.

As someone who has been living with his girlfriend for the past 10 years, I must make a quick objection. I agree that living together as a "trial marriage" is a bad idea. The earliest years of living together/being married tend to be the best - that's why they call it the honeymoon phase. So you live with a girl for a year or two and say "Hey, this is going pretty well, let's go ahead and get married". But it's usually after the novelty wears off and the "seven year itch" comes around when the problems become serious enough to split.

Anyway, I've been married, and divorced. Since then I've concentrated on building my fortune, and I don't care to split it with some woman based on her whim. Therefore, as an alternative to marriage, I think cohabitating makes a lot of sense (depending on the laws in your state). I enjoyed being married. Unfortunately, the institution has become tainted and nobody takes the "until death do us part" vows seriously anymore. Women tend to get married "as long as it remains convenient".

Guys here always say "Dont' live with a girl unless you plan on getting married to her". I say don't get married to her, period. In the current climate, it's far too risky a venture. It's unfortunate, and I wish it were otherwise, but such are the times we live in. Yes, living together is a "half-ass commitment", but it seems to me it's a darn sight better way to go than getting married.

 

[Kailex]

Zeek, the main difference being that... (And you should use that as a disclaimer)... is that when you started living with her, you were by far at a very different level than most 20 year olds who go the "Cohabitate first" route.

If I did it at 42, it'd be at a far different level than when I was 25 and doing it. There's a huge leap between the two age differences, mindsets, and maturities.

It works for YOU at that point of your life, but for someone who barely is out of college... there's a world of a difference.

 

[Colossus]

Yeah I didnt mean to flame you there Zeke, I do agree that in your case the circumstances and your life experience level was much different.

I guess I disagree with it as a 'precursor' to marriage. If you never plan on getting married at all (or again), then by all means it makes perfect sense.