Being verbally abusive acceptable?

[FortunateSon]

Is it ever acceptable for a man to be verbally abusive to a woman? I ask because I recently booted this girl out of my life forever, but not before getting obliterated on alcohol, phoning her up and saying some of the most hateful and hurtful comments another human could say to another human. It worked and she has vowed never to come back, but I feel like I really overstepped the mark. I actually feel ashamed of what I said to her and how I conducted myself, but I felt like I had no other choice as I had thrown her out a few times before and she kept coming back.

So is it acceptable to verbally abuse a woman who disrespects you etc? Or do I need to seek some anger management for some underlining anger issues?

 

[AAAgent]

i was like this and sometimes when i lose control i say really horrible things. I've made many girls cry and humiliated people and i regret my actions terribly.

It's never okay to be abusive in any way.

I've learned if i need to make a point to not tolerate something, i make a statement and say it once. If there isn't a change i leave as my final statement. Not turning back and starting new solidifies that.

Women use words and men use actions.

---

Also it seems you only did this when you were drunk, which isn't so bad. I did this when i was sober. If this is a regular thing you should seek some type of anger management.

 

[Bible_Belt]

To quote the Family Guy pua episode:

"I like him because he reminds me of the things my dad would say if he were here!"

Not that it makes it "ok," but some women will drag it out of you, because they were verbally abused as young girls, typically by dad. I have seen a lot of couples like this. If the woman doesn't get her abuse fix, she will find it elsewhere.

 

[FortunateSon]

I can't see her Dad verbally abusing her.

I just cannot understand why she kept coming back to me, she made it abundantly clear that she didn't fancy me/want me, so why come back not once, but twice more? I guess she wanted my attention to feed her ego before finding a man she wants to bang or get into a relationship with.

Her last text to me was "What you said to me was so hurtful, I wouldn't want to talk to you again anyway, not after this! I thought things might have changed, you might have grown up a bit. I accept your apology, so thank you and I will leave you alone, goodbye".

I also took exception to her sheer arrogance about just waltzing back into my life like nothing had happened and behaving like we were close. I just hope she stays away from me now. There was a time where I'd have loved to have been her man, but she didn't want me and now I no longer want anything to do with her and I hope the feeling is mutual now. I just don't understand why I had to resort to being so abusive, so nasty and horrible just so she'd get the message I had tried to get her to understand on the previous occasions.

 

[FairShake]

It is fine to verbally disrespect somebody who has negatively affected your life.

Unless it gets you into trouble or you have regrets. If you do this and have regrets constantly it might be a good time to look into therapy.

But do not consider simply because of your capability for disrespect. Afterall, some people need it before they get out of your life for good. Consider it only because it is adversely affecting your life.

 

[AAAgent]

I was verbally abusive not because i wanted to be mean, i did it because i wanted her attention/reaction. Sounds pretty girlish but that's why i would verbally abuse the my last ex. She would threaten to break-up, tell me to leave, etc. and try to be calm and passive about it (but in my mind at that time, the break-up was something serious and i thought it should show emotion so i would try to elicit emotions from her) and i would respond by saying really nasty sh1t.

But if i say something mean to someone i don't care about its because they piss me off to the point where being civil just won't cut it.

I'm thinking you're the former, you probably resent her but still have some type of attachment where you want to elicit emotions from her still.

 

[FortunateSon]

She has negatively affected my life, yes, which is why I got rid of her several times.

I regret that it took a lot of some of the worst abuse imaginable for her to finally get the message, but if I had go back to the incident, I'd do it again without a question.

I hope the message has finally sunk in that while she can manipulate, deceive and lure a lot of men in, she can no longer do that with me and I will never ever tolerate her mind games or her B/S again.

I just dread to think what how I'll react if she tries to worm her way back into my life again.

 

[FortunateSon]

I'm thinking you're the former, you probably resent her but still have some type of attachment where you want to elicit emotions from her still.

You may have a point, but when I asked her to stay away me for the first time, she refused to go quietly, she then came back after a short amount of time. Things seemed to improve, but went downhill again and I kicked her out again, she came back and then just over a month I booted her out of my life again. Nearly four months later she takes advantage of me in a drunken state at a club, gets my number and then acts like nothing has happened between us. Talks about meeting up etc. What the hell? I've had enough of her B/S. We never even dated, never kissed, never had sex, never had a relationship. She knew I liked her and played me for a right fool. It was only when I found this site in the summer of last year did my eyes start to open to what she was like and what she was doing. She enjoyed my attention, she liked the fact I liked her, she liked the fact we had good chemistry, a good bond, a mutual attraction and lots of banter which consisted of lots of teasing and flirting, but she never liked me enough to allow things to escalate further. I'm just a quick fix for her while she goes and sleeps around with whatever man she get her hands on etc. Well I refuse to tolerate that, as any man would.

When you really like someone and they manipulate you, decieve you, lie to you and mess with your head, you're not going to react kindly to it are you? If only I knew then what I know now, it would have shut this situation down before it became poisonous.

I just want to forget she ever existed and find someone who isn't going to treat me like she did.

 

[blueeyedgent]

So what if she comes back?

YOU made the choice to let her back in. So make the choice NOT to let her back in.....

I'm always a gentleman first. I don't verbally abuse women, but I do make my position abundantly clear when its necessary.

 

[FortunateSon]

Depends. Sometimes they actually deserve it. IF she did deserve it, then feeling guilt for doing something that pales in comparison to what she did shows that you have been emotionally abused and are incapable of defending yourself.

Said from experience of apologizing for speaking the truth one time too many.

I felt she personally wronged me in the time we knew each other. However, the point of emotional abuse hurts a lot, I thought I was stronger than that and I have always felt that I am able to defend myself. In fact me being abusive to her felt like self-defense. I have felt that I was unbreakable mentally, but it seems from this incident that I was wrong, but I'll rebuild myself through self-improvement. I have learnt a lot from this though. I have learnt that I am able to walk away from someone who I have feelings for and I have learnt that I will not take disrespect.

 

[FortunateSon]

So what if she comes back?

YOU made the choice to let her back in. So make the choice NOT to let her back in.....

I'm always a gentleman first. I don't verbally abuse women, but I do make my position abundantly clear when its necessary.

You're right, I have to take responsibility for this situation. I did allow her back in which suggests that she didn't take my position seriously. However, I feel like she has the received the message loud and clearly and I doubt she'll be back again.

You mention being a gentleman before, well I was gentleman before and women still dumped on me from a great height. How would you make position abundantly clear without resort to verbal abuse?

 

[blueeyedgent]

You mention being a gentleman before, well I was gentleman before and women still dumped on me from a great height. How would you make position abundantly clear without resort to verbal abuse?

Being a pu$$y is not the same as being a gentleman. A gentleman is polite and treats women with respect. But he also stands up for himself and his values. A gentleman does not lower himself to the level of those that abuse his respect.

A woman can't "dump from a great height" if she's not on the pedestal. I'm more than willing to ignore or walk away from a situation that she is spinning. Most women like this are attention w*ores so just don't give them any attention.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Abuse is never warranted.

Expressed anger is sometimes appropriate if deserved. But the word "abuse" implies that the behavior is undeserved and designed only to hurt. In those cases, backlash and collateral damage is experienced by the abuser.

 

[BlackwaterPark]

You got me curious. The hell did you say?

 

[DJLondoner]

reply to topic title alone. Not it's not alright. Words are powerful and they can hurt people! Stay something nice or don't say anything at all.

For the rest, if you do want to redirect someone, redirect them. Tell them to return back when they have the right answer because they don't have the right answer to begin with. It's a win/win situation for you.

 

[FortunateSon]

You got me curious. The hell did you say?

I referred to her as a cancer, I told her that I hope her parents die in a car accident, I called her a wh*re, how she is fat, ugly, has saggy boobies, probably is an inbred with no class or intelligence and I said to her that if she ever contacted me again I'd cut her arms and legs off and would throw her into the sea. Yeah, classy guy me, no wonder I can't get women.

 

[OKL93]

I referred to her as a cancer, I told her that I hope her parents die in a car accident, I called her a wh*re, how she is fat, ugly, has saggy boobies, probably is an inbred with no class or intelligence and I said to her that if she ever contacted me again I'd cut her arms and legs off and would throw her into the sea.

. Oo

 

[FortunateSon]

Yes, I can't believe it myself, but the girl just brings out the very worst in me for some reason. Clearly there's some underlying issues I have that need addressing as well as not being an AFC and growing up a lot. I didn't mean any of what I said and the last sentence was just an empty threat, I wouldn't touch a hair on her head, but I just wanted to drive her away for good. I understand now that I went about the wrong way and shouldn't have said what I said. I have learnt my lesson, believe me.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Good for you, to admit that. You've started on the path to better self-conrol.

We as men must always strive toward self-control (though lapses will occur along the way). Losing control will ALWAYS come back to bite one in the ass. Take it from an expert.

Usually nowadays I am able to control my anger and I try to use it to my advantage, usually by measuring my words carefully. Words shouted in rage are ultimately meaningless to the target because you have marginalized yourself in their eyes. And it has made it all the more easy for you to do it again.

But anger can be expressed in a measured way, and that is much more powerful, for when the target sees you struggling to hold your anger back and measure your words, they will see a roaring lion behind your eyes and will be extremely terrified that the lion might break out. That is powerful.

 

[FortunateSon]

Thnx for the support Atom Smasher.

Will this bout of anger and verbal abuse come back to bite me in the ass, Atom? What you say is undoubtedly true, Atom, but how can I learn to control it? I can only bite my tongue and hold in my anger/frustration/rage for so long before I blow my gasket. I want to learn how to control my temper like you do. What would you recommend?