Being the Fill-in Guy (How do u know?)

[Delly2000]

Okay. This question is sparked by a "break up" a few months ago. I have a few posts around where members gave me some very good solid advice.

I dated this girl for about 5 months or so. We were doing the relationship thing but she insisted no titles becaus of her abusive past with her ex. And titles scare her. She insisted that she didnt want me screwing anyone else and she isnt doing the same. But she dont like titles.

She started getting distant or whatever (she met someone else or had someone in the fire the whole time we were dating although she wont admit it). Fast forward we "break up". Then within 2 months she says she has a boyfriend that she is crazy about.."he is heaven sent". I wanted her to be my girl but I just figure that she wasn't ready and would change in time...things were going good it appeared. Sex..fun dates...romance...etc.

Now my question is what would have been the proper procedure in this instance? Basically I was the "fill in guy". She led on that she wanted something serious but this obviously wasnt the case. I caught feelings. How does one protect their heart in this situation. What clues do you have that you are the "fill in guy" when all her protestations point to you being so much more? And if you are just a FWB...how do you get away from doing all the relationship stuff? I mean if u stop doing it then its definitely going to fall apart. But if you try to foster it..it is fruitless anyway because in her mind you are just temporary. Seems like a no win situation to me.

I admit it was a joy being able to bang a hot chick and its not easy to turn one down even if you know it aint good with u to be with her.

Also if you both on the same page about seeing others..someone is going to get jealous eventually.

Some would say spin plates. I was. Just would like some perspectives on this.

 

[Delly2000]

I see your point of view Sam. When she asked if I was sleeping with anyone else I asked if she was asking me to be exclusive. She said no just that she dont want to share. Then a couple months pass and I ask her to be my girl (bad move I know but I got insecure...i was out of town for awhile(3 weeks during the holidays and her birthday and didnt want her to stray). She complained that I didnt give her enough convo etc while I was away...but that another story.

You know what movie actually comes to mind..."300 days of Summer". I dont want to spoil it for you if you havent seen it. Its a break up movie though. And you find out that one of the parties really wasnt into the other. They protested they were incapable of affection but despite what they said, subsequent actions showed it was total bs. But looking back he sees things that he overlooked which pointed to this fact...all he saw was his interest. The most obvious lack of her interest being a statment she made. He probably should have bailed then instead of being more into her.

So the answer is I should have pulled the plug early? I mean if you really really like a girl I dont see how you will like her less the more you spend time and have fun experiences with each other unless she turns out to be a witch. You are going to become more emotionally attached.

 

[Solomon]

You're leaving out some key information. Why did the subject of "titles" come up? Did you bring it up?

When she said she didn't want titles, did you agree and amplify? E.g., "Me neither, I just want to have some fun."

And, when she told you she didn't want you messing around on her, you should have said, "well, we're not serious, but if we ever get serious we can talk about that."

Basically she didn't want to be called your GF but wanted to keep you under her thumb. She had frame and was dictating the terms of the relationship. You don't necessarily have to spin other plates (though it helps), but next time you should just not take the whole relationship so seriously....no matter how "hot" she is.

Next time a woman tries to dictate terms, just laugh and say, "I thought we were just having a nice fling. What's with all the heavy talk?" Or, you can be more earnest and tell her you want to take things very slowly and build a connection. Just don't talk and behave desperately. If you sense you are a "fill in" guy, then either enjoy that role, or dump her if that's not what you want. The last thing you want is to get emotionally attached when you know it's not reciprocated.

There you have it, @ OP why pursue once she says she is in a relationship?
Is the Tap that worth it?
I was in a similar situation and right now I'm doing NC, if she hits me up fine but I won't respond she had her chance...NEXT



(This is what I'm doing)

 

[PokerStar]

you have to temper your enthusiasm

and there it is. quote and sig worthy.

 

[FairShake]

Being the fill in guy rocks. You had your fun, onto the next one. And best of all she is cool with it!

 

[SecondHalf]

I'm the fill in guy for at least two.
It's great, just never spend money on her.

Personally, I'm using both as a practice mat.

SH

 

[Warrior74]

She said no just that she dont want to share.

LOL. actions not words my son. They always use that excuse. And of course its hypocritical, they want you to share her with other dudes, but don't want to share you with other chics. Childish.

 

[zekko]

Saying she didn't like titles was a red flag. If she was really into you she would have jumped at the chance
.
This way, if there was someone else she was interested in, all she had to do was claim you were "just friends" or "weren't serious". And she can do whatever she likes without guilt.

 

[Die Hard]

Look, Delly. You're asking for "the right procedure" etc. but sometimes there is no right procedure to follow while dealing with some girl. This goes for cluster B nutcases (which your girl clearly is). These girls shouldn't be dealt with at all, the common advice on them is "RUN".

By the way, you are clearly not an exception to the rule that says looking for closure is a mistake (which holds true ESPECIALLY for cluster B cvnts). In your last thread, you said getting closure was helping you or something? Sure... It's helping you with NOT being able to move on from this girl... You're still here, still opening new threads about this girl for months now, every thread showing that same need for closure, that same need to make sense of it all.

She focked you up and did great damage to you. Why? Coz she's thoroughly screwed at the core. Her mind, her personality, her whole being is poisoned and she's poison for men. There's your closure, now be done with it and move on. She really did a number on you, you've been had, you've been mentally raped. She has no remorse and the injustice of what you've experienced won't be compensated by nothing it no-one. All you can do is accept reality and move on, instead of waiting to get closure. Coz that's the thing!! You want to move on only after finding closure, but you will never find that closure and therefor never move on!

Stop being weak, get out of 'victim mode' (boohoo, I'm so sad... Won't anyone help me?!) and start getting ANGRY. For only genuine ANGER will provide you the appropriate strength to move on and GROW past this girl and this experience.

 

[sodbuster]

it's simple really,never give your heart away easily. Make her work for it,if she doesn't,,,,guess she's not that into you. I was married for 14 years and didn't whine,worry,complain,think about where I went wrong,etc as you are over a 5 month fling. In my book,after 5 months we haven't moved much past FB status.

 

[Delly2000]

@Die Hard,
You are right. I still have remnants of this girl in my psyche. And it would be a total fabrication to say that she wasn't the inspiration for this post.

I dont want you to think I am in a state of arrested development where I am not moving on with my life. I am dating, working out, doing salsa, work. And in time when I meet a special girl she will be a distant memory if not before.

I understand that she is not thinking about me and enjoying her new life. And that she now thinks of me as a joke and her and her new man probably laughing at me. (extreme scenario). Or I am not even mentioned at all. So she isn't worth the mental energy.

But I think it is important to be analytical about situations to see what they really are. I think this will help if the fates may have it that I run into another character of this nature. I will know exactly her modus operandi and won't be caught out...lose myself..or my shirt. Otherwise I will be taken for another ride..be back here..and not learn my lesson.

Apologies if I appear to be dwelling on it.

 

[Die Hard]

No need for apologies, you have no obligation whatsoever to me, only to yourself! I still suggest you stop the analyzing, coz it is interfering with your process of getting past this girl. Do that first, there's more than enough time to analyze it all afterwards. You have to prioritize, first cut yourself loose from the girl/situation emotionally, then do the analyzing. I speak from experience...

Salsa!!! It's great, isn't it?