Being a Step-Dad?

[hansol]

Hey guys,

Just wanting to hear opinions on this. With all the talk I hear on this site about "running very quickly" away from a relationship with single mums, I'm curious what the collective thoughts are on being a step-dad. Yay or nay? Is it a legitimate gig, or is it always considered a sucker's errand?

I have friends who like their step-dad, who consider them their real dad. I also know guys who absolutely despise their step-father. Most of that seems dependent on how the step-dad felt/treated the kid.

So hypothetical situation (using the assumption that you want/like kids): You meet the girl of your dreams, and you guys are having a decent LTR and all that good stuff. BUT she has a kid from a past relationship. That father is out of the picture for good (died or got deported or something. Use your imagination). Would you drop this chick strictly based on the fact that she has a kid?

No, I'm not chasing a single mum, or trying to justify a bad relationship etc. I'm just curious as to what the consensus is on this. Thanks guys.

 

[Zarky]

The guys I see becoming step-dads are the guys who either have children of their own already and who firmly believe in marriage, or the guys who have landed an extremely attractive young single mom, one who would be way out of their league if she didn't have the kid(s).

 

[boomerick]

Let me put it this way...

Imagine you are the owner of a small business....

You do 90% of the money making work for the business.....

Imagine you have employees that you have to pay and pay and pay .....always more and more...

You can try to discipline them when they mess up but they always can run to the "union rep" or their "former boss" for protection....

You can't ever fire them.....

They say and do all kinds of anti company crap and personally attack you while taking up most if not all of your personal time and money .....

But ....they always want more more more pay and benifits.....

Which may be the only time they ever even speak to you.....

The only true recourse you have is to close down the business and leave them and their "rep" .......OR.....

Threaten to send them back to their "former boss" whom they throw in your face all the time as better than you anyway (even when they truly dispise him too and throw you in his face).....

The kicker is that they are too young to even realize how their actions affect you and wear you down.....

You have to be the adult , not overreact, and even try to teach.....

Sound like a good time??????

And this is when it's more or less amicable...... business as usual.......

It's way worse when their "former boss" is adversarial......

I was a son and a step son..... I now am a father and a step father....

I've seen it from all sides...

You REALLY have to establish and maintain leadership and frame to carry it off....

Over and Out.

 

[squirrels]

You have to understand that the woman and the kids are a "package-deal".

It's a sucker's errand if you marry the woman and decide, "well, the kid's worth putting up with to be with her, she's so wonderful!!" I've seen cases where the kid is a downright bastage to deal with, but the guy is so desperately in need of female companionship, he takes on the "problem" as his own.

If you're thinking about being a step-dad, you should make sure the kid is at least compatible with what you consider to be your parenting techniques/aptitude. Make sure it's a child that you COULD treat as your son, that it's a child that seems willing to respect you as a father figure.

It's not about the woman once kids are involved. They ARE, and always WILL be, center-stage in that "family unit". You're signing on to be a STEPFATHER FIRST and a husband second. Look at it like that, and you'll make the correct decision.

 

[boomerick]

True , true, true.....

And you'll have to remind the "union rep" from time to time that she better take care of the business owner first or the business will collapse.....

Part of the reframe you have to be able to do...

Those "union reps" are hard wired to look out for their membership!!!

 

[Colossus]

I had a step mother for 10 years. She had 3 boys from her previous marriage, and my dad had my sister and I. Blended families can be really tough. I would never put my own kids through that, if I had kids. Of course my dad asked our opinion of her and the marriage, but it was more of a formality than anything else. Sucks when you are just forced into living with another family. We all grew from it, and I'm still friends with her sons, but it's nothing we would do over.

As for BEING a step dad, every situation is a little different. Whether or not the real dad is in the picture makes a big difference. Personally I wouldn't want to do it. However, most step dads become so because they already have kids of their own, or will be with said woman in spite of the kid, which is bad news. You'll just end up resenting the kid and/or the mother.

 

[hansol]

Awesome guys, this is exactly what I was looking for: insightful, mature advice. Everything you guys wrote really puts things in perspective.

From what I gather, the kid isn't just a "side deal", so you can be with that woman. The kid IS the deal. So I would wager that no matter how "amazing" the hypothetical woman is, the situation already is a very complicated and difficult one to step in to.

 

[boomerick]

Any time children are involved, yours or anyone elses, the stakes become exponentially higher.....

They (the kids) don't get a say in your relationship choices but they sure will be stuck with the results good and bad....

 

[Warrior74]

As a father, its nothing worse than being around kids that you have no control over. Every girl I dated with children made it expressly clear that they would not tolerate someone else telling their kid what to do. I can't help it...children are gonna be told what to do around me in my house. That's just the way it goes. Hell even my daughters friends I tell what to do when they are in my home. Like my father used to say, this is a dictatorship not a democracy (and he used to say it in front of my mother as well, which really drove the point home, it was his dictatorship).

My father has a child from his first marriage and he agreed with me. He couldn't marry or date a woman with children at my age. He had to go find a wife who didn't have kids. Much harder to do these days though.

 

[boomerick]

I say the "dictatorship not a democracy" thing...I enforce it too...

Life is too short to play the walking on eggshells game...

"In my house my rules" is also stated as necessary...

Funny thing is I've turned into what my dad never was

 

[hansol]

For you guys who have been there, is there a marked difference between the difficulties with a small kid (say under 4yrs) vs. the older kids?

I would assume that with the small guys it would be easier, as they are little and don't really know the politics. And assuming the relationship goes well, they grow up with you around, which may make things easier? Vs. the older kids, who obviously know you aren't their dad and you "can't tell them ****" etc. Or is it just as difficult with the small ones as the +8yr olds?

 

[boomerick]

Having started when they were younger than 6 I would say it's not necessarily better or worse with their age, its about the same, its just that as they grow the situations you have to deal with as a parent change....

In other words just like your biological kids, and kids in general, with step children there is no break over point where there are no problems and everything's smooth sailing....

You will always be a parent....

If you are asking what ages are easier to begin step parenting with, younger kids or older kids .....hmmm......I would say thats a case by case not an age...... I'm sure there's lots of studies and stuff all over the internet though.....

 

[OMGWTFLMAO]

There really is no solid answer for this that will apply to every person the same. If a step parent loves the kid/s as if they were their own and is able to respect the absent parent's place in the equation and ideally all the parents get along with each other it can work just fine. The younger the child/ren are, the better the situation will be. If you aren't able to love the kid/s as your own then you aren't going to be able to discipline them fairly and there will be resentment. Don't ever marry a single mother unless you love her kids too. That's really what makes the difference. If you don't love the kids you will view them as a burden/hindrance and it will show in how you treat them and they will know it and give you a hard time.

 

[jophil28]

Being a step father involves meeting a lot of "challenges" that do not occur in an LTR with women who have no children. I had a two year relationship with a woman back in the '90s .She had two young kids at the time.

THis is what she said to me just before we lived together -
"You and the children need to form your own special relationships.."
However, based on her subsequent behavior, this is what she really meant-
" I will allow you to have conversations with my children, BUT I will supervise every word that you say to them .Then are never to be made uncomfortable by anything you say. "

This woman had emotionally clung to her children after her marriage breakup three years prior. She used her children as comforters, confidantes and companions. In order to manipulate them into endlessly filling her emotional needs, she had removed all the rules and discipline from the house and promoted them to the level of substitute adults. They regarded themselves as my equals.
I did not see this until I moved in and the dramas started.
Whenever LTR and I had an argument she just retreated into the safety of the relationship with her children. The went into a huddle and I was frozen out.
She rarely attempted to resolve any difficulties with me and preferred to regroup with her kids as an escape.

Entering into an LTR or marriage with a woman with kids essentially places all the responsibility of substitute father on you, BUT you operate with both hands tied behind your back.. Any problems are blamed on you and your presence. You are the last to join this group and therefore the most disposable.

There is an ofter touted guiding principle on this board - " A woman joins a man's life, not the other way around. "
Entering in an LTR with a a single mother violates that principle.

 

[backbreaker]

I would rather have sex with Rosanne, on live TV in the middle of the congo while being stalked by the anancanda from the ice cube movie then raise someone Else's kid. if i wanted to have kids, i'd have kids (which i do)

You meet the girl of your dreams,

errrk. stop.

the girl of my dreams doesn't have kids.

Would you drop this chick strictly based on the fact that she has a kid?

hell yeah. why should I not?

a woman would drop you if you lost your job due to "unforeseen circumstances".



I was a single parent son. my mom weeded through men and now.. looking back i can honestly say i was the perfect son as far as dating my mom goes. i really didnt' give a ****, i was hardly home my damn self. as long as you weren't abusing my mom and she was happy have fun.

but even then.. i'vef learn that generally grown men and maturing men, that aren't father and son, real father and son dont' mix.

i remember one day i had a basketball game in west memphis and i live in little rock, and did not get home that friday night until about 1:30 becuase of it. we have practice at 8am on saturdays and i lived 25 or so mintues from school, **** that, i just slept at the gym. made much more sense.

so i get home the next day, i had work after practice so i didnt' get home to like 7pm that Saturday and my mom's new boyfriend decides he's gonna assert his authority about me not coming home. i had left a message on my mom's machine told her what i was doing, she didn't' bother to check it.

under normal circumstances, my mother would have said hey, where the **** where you, i'ds ay hey check your messages, she'd say oh okay i was worried sick about you, end of story.

no this black **** face decides he's gonna et in my face.. and the first thing i did lol, called my dad. i wasn't even off the phone yet and my dad damn near broke the door down trying to get in the house for getting in my face for no reason whatsoever.i mean if i stole something or deserved it, it is what it is.. but my dad was not gonna let me get talked to like that.

needless to say he didn't come back.

Then one day, i was 17, and i had my GF over my house. my mom had basically conceded the fact i was having sex. So this guy my mom is dating comes over to cut the yard.. we weren't doing antyhing (yet), making something to eat..a nd eh goes on this tirade abotu we shouldnt' be alone together.. i'm like..who the **** are you? nigga you dont' live here and you don't pass on advice to a basically grown man what he should or should not be doing, when i would not have her here in the first place if my mother did not approve (i did not make a habit of disobeying momma)

and see.. if a kid talked to me like that, i'll throw his ass out a window, my child or not.

man if you are a catch there are plenty of single women out there.

 

[Warrior74]

I would rather have sex with Rosanne, on live TV in the middle of the congo while being stalked by the anancanda from the ice cube movie then raise someone Else's kid. if i wanted to have kids, i'd have kids (which i do)


errrk. stop.

the girl of my dreams doesn't have kids.



hell yeah. why should I not?

a woman would drop you if you lost your job due to "unforeseen circumstances".



I was a single parent son. my mom weeded through men and now.. looking back i can honestly say i was the perfect son as far as dating my mom goes. i really didnt' give a ****, i was hardly home my damn self. as long as you weren't abusing my mom and she was happy have fun.

but even then.. i'vef learn that generally grown men and maturing men, that aren't father and son, real father and son dont' mix.

i remember one day i had a basketball game in west memphis and i live in little rock, and did not get home that friday night until about 1:30 becuase of it. we have practice at 8am on saturdays and i lived 25 or so mintues from school, **** that, i just slept at the gym. made much more sense.

so i get home the next day, i had work after practice so i didnt' get home to like 7pm that Saturday and my mom's new boyfriend decides he's gonna assert his authority about me not coming home. i had left a message on my mom's machine told her what i was doing, she didn't' bother to check it.

under normal circumstances, my mother would have said hey, where the **** where you, i'ds ay hey check your messages, she'd say oh okay i was worried sick about you, end of story.

no this black **** face decides he's gonna et in my face.. and the first thing i did lol, called my dad. i wasn't even off the phone yet and my dad damn near broke the door down trying to get in the house for getting in my face for no reason whatsoever.i mean if i stole something or deserved it, it is what it is.. but my dad was not gonna let me get talked to like that.

needless to say he didn't come back.

Then one day, i was 17, and i had my GF over my house. my mom had basically conceded the fact i was having sex. So this guy my mom is dating comes over to cut the yard.. we weren't doing antyhing (yet), making something to eat..a nd eh goes on this tirade abotu we shouldnt' be alone together.. i'm like..who the **** are you? nigga you dont' live here and you don't pass on advice to a basically grown man what he should or should not be doing, when i would not have her here in the first place if my mother did not approve (i did not make a habit of disobeying momma)

and see.. if a kid talked to me like that, i'll throw his ass out a window, my child or not.

man if you are a catch there are plenty of single women out there.

LOL. Yup! This little kid woulda got tossed out a window.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bptmb0Ygmus

 

[hansol]

Backbreaker,

Great story, and thanks for your insight.

I personally would not start an LTR with a single mom at the moment. I'm still young, and it's really not something I'd like to undertake just yet. Like you said, I know I'm a catch, and am not willing to settle.

However, I do like to hear different perspectives and thoughts on these situations. I like the Mature forum because you guys give excellent advice that isn't the usual woman-hater nonsense.

So just for clarification, I'm not looking to chase or start a relationship with these broads just yet. I'd just like to hear the experiences of guys who have been in those shoes before so I can get a better perspective on such things.

 

[OMGWTFLMAO]

Something else that is important is that you have similar parenting styles with the single mother. If she has raised the kid with one discipline style you can't just walk in and change that. It sounds like that is what happened with backbreaker. You've got to discuss discipline with the single mom and if the kid is older you have to talk to them too. If all his life the mother has used time out and grounding you can't walk in and start spanking and taking away the tv and phone because it's only asking for problems. We were all kids once and it's not difficult to remember when we were punished much too harshly for something very minor. We resented and were angry with our parents over it, too. The same would apply to a step-parent.

I almost became a step parent years ago to an 11 year old boy. When it came time to punish/discipline him I used to sit him down and talk about what he did and have him help me come up with a fair punishment. He never gave me a hard time and he always came up with an appropriate punishment. Not only did he respect me, he also looked up to me and trusted me.

The main point here is that you can't walk into an established family unit and try to change everything. If you aren't able to blend in with what is already established, meaning that you also have to LIKE what is established, then it's just not going to work out. I think this is where step-families make mistakes. They really don't consider how compatible they are as a family, not just a couple.