Befriending an Ex-gf you still love

[vagrant]

Possible or impossible? Should I or should I not? I'm new to this little experience I'm having. I need a helping hand.

 

[pLaYtHiNg]

More trouble then it's worth, and I question your motives...

 

[vagrant]

More trouble then it's worth, and I question your motives...

I met her when I was 18 and she was 15 at the time. I was attracted to her since day one. Great personality and man is she hot or what. Anyways, I'm 22 yrs old now. She's 19. Though she was my first, crazy to say she's one of the best relationship I've been in. She has all the things I look for in a girl. A girlfriend and a best friend at the same time. I love her as a person. If you've met one you know what I'm talking about.

The only reason we broke was because I kissed another girl which I let her know right away. Things just happened so quick. This girl's been hanging out with me trying to get with me and I thought I was good enough to put her on the friend zone and not let her touch me, but she got me. I went out with her one day to get something to eat. She was wearing a white skirt. She looked good that day. We were in my car. She asked me if I was a good kisser. I knew instantly that I shouldn't but for some reason I leaned forward and just gave it to her.

My girlfriend says she loves me so much that she wants to keep me in her life as a friend. She's currently enjoying her life right now but as hot as she is guys are all over her and it's only a matter of time she finds other guys to play with. Of course, as hard as I try to improve every areas of my life there's a big chance she'll come back.

That's the situation. Now somebody who's willing to help somebody break that down for me. :yes:

 

[Eijo]

(-_-)

as hot as she is guys are all over her and it's only a matter of time she finds other guys to play with

Well, from experience. The first love is always hard to let go but if you hang on to it blindly without seeing the surrounding of it. Then you're just taking one step closer to a nasty relationship in the future even if you do get back with each other.

 

[WC2]

No.

1. It's not productive
2. You're just asking for heartbreak
3. She's 19

Break it down? Ok.

Your ex is 19 and is just getting into college. She's hot, cool, and down.

Have you ever been to college? Have you seen what happens to hot innocent women as soon as they hit the college scene? What ever preconceptions you had of this girl before will mark my words, go straight out the window as soon as she meets other guys in college. Meaning she's in her party stages and she's going to party; party with guys in particular.

You've also made it quite clear that you like this girl all around, so I have to come to the conclusion you still have feelings for her.

So let me get this straight... you're going to keep her around as a friend in hopes that it turns into something more later on? When she's 22 and has already been through miles of c0ck you're going to take her back right? And wait... you're going to wait all that time for her? If these are not your intentions, then I don't know what your intentions are, seeing as it's very difficult to hold a friendship with an ex after being together for a long period of time.

This false branch of friendship she's offering you is her attempt to keep you on the 'backburner' while she does whatever she wants to. If she's a smart girl, she's not going to let one guy hold her down through all of college. She will have fun with other men.

So this leads us to the most important thing; you're just going to get hurt. While you may be off doing your own thing with whoever, you still have feelings for this one chick.

Believe me, I once walked in your shoes. I had an ex who I still kept around. I was banging plenty of women, but all it took was that one dude to bang her to break my heart into pieces. It's just not worth it.

You've made a clean escape thus far. It's time to get out and meet other women. Forget this girl. Of course be polite, but there's no reason in which you should be contacting her other than the possible occasional fling during the summer or something. And this is only if you can keep it totally sexual and guard your emotions; not likely.

You're walking down a dead end path. It's the perfect time to take a few steps back and start your own path in which you control where your life takes you, not her.

 

[KontrollerX]

Of the literally thousands of threads I've read about a guy with "friend" problems with a girl there are universally two terms the guy will use:

Quote:
She's just my friend, I'm not trying to bang her.

and

Quote:
I just hang out with them like they were guys.

,...every time man, every time.


First off lets cover the common term "hang out." This is a catch-all term many AFCs use to justify their behaviors. "Me and my girl-friends hang out together all the time, what's the big deal?" So, what exactly are you doing when you're hanging out? More talking perhaps? You see 'hanging out' is a nice general term, but you've got to be doing something, right? What is it that you do? Is there a difference in what you do with your same sex friends? You see if I tell my wife "Honey, I'm taking my friend Alice to church on Sunday morning" that's a whole lot different than me saying "Honey, I meeting up with Alice for drinks on Friday night," the difference is in what we're doing.

Of course the next thing a prepared AFC will trot out is 'common interests'. Common interest means a mutuality of interest; in other words she's into what you are and you're into what she is. Thus if you're into pro wrestling and muscle cars she must also be. If she's into painting her toenails and talking about cute boys on her bed on a Thursday night you must be also. Now that's black & white, but it comes back to what exactly it is you're doing together - as friends. You see, when two guys are into doing the same thing it's called 'common interest', but when a man and a woman enjoy the same thing it's called 'compatibility'. This of course dovetails into how men will make concessions based on sex. How many guys suddenly have an epiphany about modern art because their female 'friend' does in comparison to if their male friend asked them to go along to the museum? Once again, friendship mitigated by gender differences.

Men and women cannot be friends, but let me qualify that. They cannot be friends in the same degree that most people perceive same sex friendship to be. Now the natural resoponse to this from a well conditioned AFC is "I have lots of female friends" or "what are you trying to say, I can't have female friends, they're all enemies?" Which of course is the standard binary (black or white, all or nothing) retort, and the well trained AFC thinks anyone suggesting that men and women's relations as friends could be anything less than equitable and fulfilling is just a neanderthal chauvinist thinking thawed out from cryogenic freeze in the 1950s. But you are incorrect - not because you wouldn't want to be a woman's friend, but because she cannot be yours. There are fundamental differences in the ways men and women view friendship within their own sex and the ways this transfers to the concept of intergender friendship.

Quite simply there are limitations on the degree to which a friendship can develop between men and women. The easy illustration of this is that at some point your female "friend" will become intimately involved with another male; at which point the quality of what you perceived as a legitimate friendship will decay. It must decay for her new intimate relationship to mature. For instance, I've been married for about 13 years now; were I to entertain a deep freindship with another female (particualrly an attractive female) other than my wife, despite my most platonic intentions, my interest in this woman automatically becomes suspect of infidelity - and of course the same holds true for women with man-friends.

It's not to say that you cannot have female aquaintances, or that you must necessarily be rude or ignore all women with contempt, that is binary thinking once again, but it is to say that the degree of friendship that you can experience with women (as a man) in comparison to same sex friendships will always be limited due to sexual differences. Most men will only ever engage in friendships with women that they find attractive and/or interesting which of course is colored by their attraction to that woman. Now I'm sure you'll play the "not in my case" card and attempt to tell me how much an exception to the rule you are, to which I'll say, even if you legitimately are, it makes no difference. Because the very nature of an intergender friendship is ALWAYS going to be limited by sexual differences.

Even the best, most asexual, platonic, male-female friendships will be subject to mitigation based on sex. The easy example is that I'm sure you'd be jealous and suspect of your girlfriend were she to be spending any "quality time" with another 'male-friend'. It's simply time spent with another male who isn't you and you'll always question her desire to do so in favor of spending time with you.

So get out of your head now that there even is a so called "friend zone" with any woman. You're either intimate with her or you're not. Women have boyfriends and girlfriends, if you're not ƒucking her, you're her girlfriend, simple as that. There is no friend zone - there is only the limbo between you being fooled that a girl is actually a friend on an equitable level to your same sex friends, and you understanding that as soon as she becomes intimate with another guy your attentions will become a liability to any relationship she might want to have with the new sexual interest and she puts you off, or you do the same when you become so involved with another girl.

So no you should not be friends with an ex.

You just want to get back in her pants anyway and are using the age old retarded AFC friendship strategy to do so.

Man up and move on to a new girl.

Stop wasting your time and energy with this dead end.