Becoming a King - Being Positive - How? From the thoughts of a new guy

[thedol]

Ok I've just come out of a **** situation where I have been hooked on a girl for like 3 months but now I'm trying to get over it.

I've in a moment of self reflection...like looking at myself to figure myself out. Move on - be better.

I was reading the post by DISCIPLE on BECOMING A KING....And then another one on CHANGING YOUR THINKING....Alot of the things are common sense, be positive, give that aura about yourself, change your way of thinking, be a winner...in everything you do and then everything else comes in place.

That's perfect - it makes sense, it is common sense and it is good

Now I am sure there are others here on this forum like me - who found it because of a situation where they liked a girl maybe for a while, in my case it's been 3 months now but basically she has a b/f of 4 years and I can't win her over and...whatever, I'm going on but a situation you have failed to win or you got hooked on a bit too much or your ust having bad luck.

So for the noobies like myself right now...reading is fine, I can say ok I will be positive...but how?

How do I build it up to a point where I can just give off that aura.

What do I change in my daily life to instil that mentality of being a king or being positive so that I can give off that aura

Be funny for example - but how can you be funny if by nature you might be a bit of a more quiet type of guy? Do you get what I'm saying...How do we as men change these thoughts or become these stronger people in life to ATTRACT the attention

 

[Interceptor]

thedol,

all those things come from a self concept.

This self concept must come from first hand experience.


You must place yourself in positions that challenge you.
And you must enter into your sub conscious mind that you DO possess those qualities YOU WANT to demonstrate and exhibit.


Most of what you talk about comes from your body language.

The body reflects what your sub conscious is mostly resonating.
If you are thinking at how awkward and uncomfortable you are, your body will reflect that.

you must dig deep and find the answers to WHY you may be feeling inadequate, or insecure, anxious , etc...


You must look deep and see yourself interact in those situations.
That way, your conscious mind begins to form a mental image, with enough reflection and taking apart self limiting beliefs will then move into your subconscious, and from there, your body will exhibit your thought form.


The KEY thing here is to get into specifics.

"Why do I get nervous around a hot chick?"

"Why do I get nervous when some tall, good looking buff dude comes near me?"

"Why do I feel the need to get people's approval?"

These questions are typical of doing the work in getting inside your head and pulling apart self limiting beliefs that have formed over years.

Thus, by first going into your conscous thought process, you can get something tangible going.
From there, once youve torn apart any negative/self limiting belief, you WILL begin to go (for example, not saying this IS YOUR current circumstance) :"Yeah, that WAS Stupid of me! Why the Hell did I think I was inadequate?? Im not inadequate. Why would I think that? Just because (XYZ situation or circumstance) ?? No, man. IM not inadequate. And Im not going to react like that in those circumstances anymore. Its irrational. And Im not an irrational person."

Then you begin to realize HOW irrational your thought forms can be, and stop paying them any attention and giving them validity.


Get specific.
And be honest.
Dont coddle yourself. But dont beat yourself up.

Remember, first attack those irrational self defeating beliefs.
Then, act with freedom in those circumstances and GET FIRSTHAND EXPERIENCE and observe yourself NOW acting with confidence in those situations. And then confirm to yourself that you are now PASSED feeling that way, and begin to create a NEW perception of Life, and of yourself in those circumstances.

Does this make sense?

 

[thedol]

Hey Interceptor,

It's deep but I get the gist. Having spent the last 2 hours on this forum, I certainly know where I have gone wrong with this girl I fell for and why she put me in the friend category rather than anything else, even if she does have a b/f.

I understand and I'm feeling it a bit now, to eliminate these mistakes I made and the "nice guy" part of me was overdone.

Your saying look at yourself - question yourself, like a self analysis.

I'll be really honest with you, alot of girls think I am the best looking guy in my floor, when I first joined the company, every girl/guy thought I was a player...I played on that concept and just pretend "Yea' I am" but it was a mask, I just played along.

I go to the gym every other day, I have a different fashion sense, I wear what I want. One day I'll walk in with a tank top the next with some designer shirt...so I give off that image.

But that is not me - I faked it ... and I fell for a girl and I just lost myself in her.

Now I wish to start afresh so to say with my personality and be the person I want to be which obviously is a real DJ.

Lets say for example -

"Why can I not approach a hot looking girl giving me eye contact on a train?"

I'm going to answer honestly and say...I'm throwing out my first thoughts here, "She won't be interested" "She'll think I am weird or creepy for approaching her on a public train" "What shall I say to her"...

Ok so I just gave you 3 insights into my brain quickly, I am sure they are noob typical answers and now I look at it I see what is wrong.

She won't be interested...I've already put my mind into a negative frame...I need to MAKE HER interested instead of thinking she won't be right?...So just by going upto her in the first place I have been interesting because most people won't/havn't

Am I on the right path there?

I want to create a new perception of life because before today, I have been the biggest NICE GUY for the last 3 months with a girl and it has been an up and down journey but one that ultimately I couldn't win over and I know I have to make a change to my style and attitude. I feel I have the basics hidden inside of me, it's just I really need to force them out of myself.

 

[thedol]

About myself - I can tend to be a bit of a romantic type - I listen to romantic songs and so and so I saw this girl and wanted something really "strong" so to say so I did all the NICE GUY moves and maybe a bit more. She is in a relationship of 4 years, I got to know her for the last 3 months but I always respected that boundary, I took her home when she was drunk a few times and left her, came back home to my place etc, got her gifts etc...Dude I did all the nice guy moves but I'd probably say I overdid them.

Maybe I will say by nature, I'm a generous and kind guy - I honestly am, not just with a girl I like...so where do I correct myself? If I was in a work place with her in the same bar and a girl is flirting with me, I wouldn't flirt back because I wouldn't want to show that girl I like, I'm flirting with another...

I know now all these things I overdid but I was pursueing something that was hard to start with and I made it worse by being this person and become someone she really wants as a friend but I don't want that.

So where do I restart myself? I can't go back in time, if I could I would but how do I right now start new.

Sit down and write these things down? How would you do it?

 

[Interceptor]

Am I on the right path there?

Absolutely.

Part of being truly masculine is being comfortable with yourself.
And being comfortable with one's vulnerabilities and failings.
The more sens of self worth and self esteem, and the more self acceptance you have, the more you will better handle these types of circumstances when/if they come up.

You have to look at what your inner dialogue is doing to you.

Is it benefitting you, or holding you back???


When you have ambition, and goals, and you want to live a good, healthy lifestyle, you WILL ask questions about things that do Not ALLOW you to live that kind of life.

Have you seen David Deangelo's Deep Inner Game?
I think you may learn a lot from it.

 

[Interceptor]

So where do I restart myself? I can't go back in time, if I could I would but how do I right now start new.

Sit down and write these things down? How would you do it?

Well, I personally dont really advocate trying to change some sort of image in order to 'get' some woman who wasnt really interested in you.

But I would definitely start working on why should a man feel inadequate and NEED some random woman's approval, and acceptance?

Women are NEVER turned on by men who need their acceptance and approval.

If you didnt get it the first time, then by trying to get some "new image" together in order to GET her 'back' is misguided IMO.


Good women are everywhere.

Why is this ONE woman so important to you?

What does this particular woman have that no other woman in the entire world has?

Its ok to have sexual desire. And a need for intimacy and bonding.

But its not healthy to NEED it from a particular woman.

While many men dont believe there are good women, it is the truth.
However, the fact is that many of these women may be attracted to us, but not necessarily INTERESTED in us.
And while it is perfectly OK to accept that we NEED sex, intimacy and bonding, we NEED to have the strength and discipline to not give up our dignity, self esteem, and self respect in order to get them from some particular woman.

Men who look to women to 'complete' them are men who dont value their own lives, and the lifestyle they live.
So instead of focusing on the problems they are facing, and how disatisfied they are with their current lifestyle, they look to women to 'fix' everything for them.
Thus, placing tremendous , and misguided importance on a woman fulfilling them in a manner that women were never intended to do, nor able to.

I think it is extremely important for men to look at their lifestyle FIRST, and see if it is working for them. And to work toward building the BEST lifestyle they can. And a healthy woman will always come along.
When you let go of the neediness, and embrace the healthy perspective that we need emotional bonding, then you allow yourself to draw into your life that kind of experience.

When you love yourself, you are not needy of a woman giving you the love you should have been giving yourself all along.

A healthy relationship can only be found with healthy people.

 

[thedol]

Well INTER - I was a pretty driven guy before I met this girl. I just found in her many different things, she is a country girl, I'm a city boy and lots of other things but I definetely saw in her a kind of idea where I thought...she would 'complete' me but I totally see where I made all these mistakes and how over the 3 month period she shaped her mind that it was to be friends.

I know my vulnerability. If I think to myself, I'm always searching for some sort of "True love" with a girl. That's my problem I think. I don't know how to explain it but I fall in love or something. That is my failing.

I can't think of anything else - Yes if I see a hot girl in public I can't go upto her, I'm going to change that from today and just give off that positive thinking in my mind.

For example I was just reading up on Kino too - I'm **** at Kino too, I never do it. Not even lightly. Girls do it to me at clubs because I work out but I don't respond because I've got this 1 girl in my head which I really am going to try and set myself free from now and be myself.

What I feel is holding me back is like this desire for love or the perfect girl. Know what I mean?

Is this my inner dialogue?

--

I didn't mean to change my "image". I'm happy with the way I dress and my looks haha it's just I meant...how do I start new after this little 3 month dump I've taken because it really took a chunk out of me - this girl and the way I consumed my thoughts into her. I just totally became the "lower" one.

 

[Interceptor]

I just totally became the "lower" one.

THIS is exactly what we're talking about.
THIS is an irrational belief.

HOW did she become the 'higher' one?
WHO put YOU as the 'lower' one?

WHY do you think there even ARE things as 'higher' or 'lower' ones???


You NEED to build up your self esteem. And self esteem doesnt come 100 percent from just how you 'look'.

You need to find out WHY you think you 'lost value' to some woman who didnt accept you.
Why are you succumbing to this kind of sub belief system??

Who forced you to accept this way of looking at male/female dynamics and relationships?

I suggest you look up some Dr.Paul Dobransky's stuff, and look into David Deida's Way of the Superior Man.

Remember, there is NO ONE on this entire planet that can DECIDE how much you're worth and how much self esteem you're 'allowed' to have other than you.
Stop placing the responsibility for deciding your value on external sources.

EDIT: thedol, I hope you dont mind, but in the spirit of sharing and learning, I think it would be a good idea for the readers here to look at this as an example of sometimes what happens with guys who feel good about their 'looks' but despite 'working out' and 'dressing nice' and whatever, STILL have deep underlying issues that are self defeating, unhealthy, and somewhat immature.
In other words, there are deeper issues which are never addressed even if you DO 'work out' and have 'a nice body'. It's great to have women attracted to one's body. However, as you can see, your body's image cannot help you in these types of situations. Your BODY can only REFLECT what is INSIDE.
What's INSIDE you?

ex: "I am obsessed with my body and looking better than the next guy. But...I have no personality, am boring, and am extremely insecure. I have nothing, so I have to rely exclusively on my body to attract women, and fool them into thinking I actually DO have the emotional and personality characterisitcs of a Masculine Man."


You can have a six pack and look great ( Now I love workig out, and lifting heavy, and the side benefit of having an attractive physique. But I put this all in the proper perspective.) , but if you act insecure, or immature, or throw temper tantrums, you KILL any attraction you may have gotten. Why? Because the type of character that man has. There have been instances where guys are so enamored with their body, due to the extreme narcissistic Ego feeding, that they go into a frenzy when a woman is actually TURNED OFF by them, when the guy displays how insecure, and at the same time arrogantly egotistical he is being.

Just some things to think about.


Character is Destiny.

 

[thedol]

Yep I see what your getting at but I am the one who is putting myself as the "lower" one because I was always chasing her and I was always pursueing or asking her out...so it got to a point where I felt like...I'm pushing it to much.

Then the times I said **** it and ignored her...she wouldn't like it and then would come to me and say...Why are you ignoring me?

She was used to the attention and I was giving it - so I became the "nice guy" doing whatever I could to get some time.

And in my eyes that is being the weaker or lower one.

I lost value because I chased her too much and was too nice and always sending her an sms first for example.

 

[thedol]

Thanks for your help Inspector - I've spent the last hours reading through this forum, viewing some stuff of David's on Youtube etc

I've been in a grind for the last 3 months and it's taken a chunk off me but I feel better now, having read through some things on this forum and your replies and you know, realizing where the mistakes were made by me if I think back to the last few weeks/months.

I'm not sure entirely how to begin but I have to look at myself, maybe with a notepad in my hand and ask myself where I went wrong.

I'm doing it now, like in my mind and I've answered myself above where I went wrong. I put a girl on a higher pedestal than me - I failed to notice anyone else and put myself in a weird frame where I was only to be with one girl -

It's really tricky actually like to start new, like how do I question these things.

I'm 24 - I'm physically fit, good looking, job wise I'm steady, not amazing but better than average...I value these things. They are good - I'm moving forward. So how do I take it from there -

 

[Poonani Maker]

This song makes me feel like a King http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZY2mRG5mzg

Secondly, I'd suggest you get out and Drive your vehicle around all day long. You will become coordinated, see threats and opportunities, and understand killing.

I play a lot of chess too.

 

[thedol]

I've been spending the weekend reading a guide, the book of pook and also watching some DD stuff on Youtube.

It's really insightful and it's slowly helping me to understand.

I see that it all has to come from me, like I am me and not place the thought on the woman/other person.

I think my greatest thing is to explore my sexuality....I don't embrace it so well even though I have a really well built body and am in goos shape. When girls touch me...I don't touch them back because my thought is/was on just one girl that I wanted but I have to be more free and open and embrace it.

I want to learn alot about this and in two days I feel a bit more relaxed but I've got a ong way to go yet - all the help I can get will be appreciated.

 

[Director]

My advice to you - take action. Ask yourself - what kind of person do I want to be? What are some things I want to do with my life? Afterwards, figure out exactly how you can work towards those goals, and begin the work in earnest. It may be wobbly baby steps at first, but any step you take is a move forward. Begin to move towards what you want in life.

You've already taken the first step, and that's self-reflection. It's a great skill to have, and one that I try to practice every day. Self-reflection will help you better understand yourself and your goals and also help keep you on the right track.

 

[The Bat]

Ahh, the infamous nice guy.

dol, don't assume that everybody is going to appreciate your genuine caring nature. I understand that you want to help people, especially damsels in distress. But realize that those days of being a shining knight and chivalries are over. They are long gone. Why do you think girls go after jerks/aholes/badboys? And they end up complaining about them to you, the nice guy?

In the book of pook, read the chapter on jerks vs. nice guys. That will really open your eyes and show you the errors of your ways.

I'm not advocating turning into a jerk/ahole/badboy. I'm advocating turning into a Man who speaks his mind freely and doesn't care about what others think of him. Be mindful of other people, but don't let anybody cross you or walk all over you. It's time to stop being a doormat and always being "there" for everybody.

You have to ask yourself: Would those people do the same or act the same towards you when you REALLY need them to?

Besides, you can be a genuine, caring guy without being a nice guy to women. How? Well just look at guys on this forum like pook, interceptor, rollo, kontroller who are trying to help chumps and misguided men who come here looking for advice. If these guys weren't genuinely caring, do you think they would be here?

My point is, you're not proving anything to anyone by being nice and available to women...especially one that you "fell" for. Only thing she cares about you is your attention, and not the real you. Because deep down, she knows that you're an insecure person who feels the need to barter deep emotional intimacy by exchanging gifts, chivalrous behaviors, and always being available.

Question for you, dol: Do you believe in a "perfect" woman or the "one"? Do you think there is somebody out there for you...a soulmate?

 

[thedol]

I used to believe there is "one" I would be happy with but not anymore.

I think there are many women who I would like - like I don't have preferences like...She has to be blonde etc...I don't care, whatever as long as she is hot and has a nice personality that suits me...so no, I don't think there is just one...just more a perfect woman

 

[Sandow]

You need to be more alpha, more of a ****y jerk, Don't let her see that romantic side of you right now. Set the frame right.

 

[RokyRoc]

You need to be more alpha, more of a ****y jerk, Don't let her see that romantic side of you right now. Set the frame right.

Yeah I agree with Sandow.

First sweep her off her feet with your awesome C&F skillz and then later on dazzle her with your romantic side.

That way its more fun (cheaper too, cuz you dont have to start doing romantic stuff right off the get go) for you and her.

Intrigue her, let her chase you for a while.

Then you can turn the tables...