Be her therapist or be her lover?

[Trump]

Top Sosuave article says: BE her therapist for ultimate success.

https://www.sosuave.com/articles/therapist.htm

Corey Wayne, the best relationship coach, says: DO NOT be her therapist for ultimate success.

https://understandingrelationships.com/be-her-lover-not-her-therapist/10815


Is it be her therapist or be her lover?

 

[Spaz]

No wonder some men are continuously messed up, they keep listening to Corey Wayne.

Here's something for you Trump, when you want to be successful with women all you truly need is just to spend some time listening to her - u r not there to solve her problems but to listen and then lead her on until she find the answer she seeks by her own volition.

That makes you a very sought after man.

Know the difference buddy.

 

[The Duke]

I'm not going to read all of those links, but professional psychologists/therapists/counselors all say not to be her therapist.

I'm certain most people don't have the mindset, patience, awareness, or self control to counsel someone either.

With that being said, I had a girl in a LTR that I counseled. I helped her grow from a level 4.5 to a level 7 on the ability to act right in a relationship scale. It took 1 year and lots of struggle but we got thru it. The problem was by the time she got to where she needed to be to have a healthy relationship, I no longer felt I was her lover. I had turned into her "counselor". The attraction I had for her diminished and our relationship ended 6months later.

I will never counsel another girl again. I also don't have the energy to endure it so I try harder to select girls that don't need all of that work. Relationships are hard enough with two people that know how to work thru differences and have the ability to act right.

What @Spaz mentioned is very true....."Spend time listening, don't solve her problems, help guide her to the answer." Read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and it says the same thing. However, my case was far deeper than just simple listening to help her get thru her issues.

 

[MillionBillionaire]

Who in the right Fing mind wants to be a therapist to these millenial women?

When you talk to a woman about her "problems" 90% of the time it will be about some dude. So why the F would you want to be a therapist?

 

[backseatjuan]

I am a therapist to a woman I banged some time ago she has 4 kids and 1 husband, and thanks to me many lovers.

 

[TBG]

Sure, when in a relationship I feel you should be there to listen (within reason) to your partner's problems and help where possible.

When just talking or casually dating, hell no. She'll dump all that emotional baggage on you for someone else's gain. She isn't going to dump that on the guy she really wants. She knows he'd run a mile if she did.

 

[sazc]

Lol, you don't want to be, nor is anyone qualified, to be anyone's therapist.

What you can do, that is greatly appreciated, is listen and respond with non committal statements

"That sounds hard"
"I'm sorry you have to deal with that"
"I'm sorry you have to go thru that"
"People can be a$$holes"
"You'll get thru it"

Active listening goes a long way

 

[highSpeed]

Lol, you don't want to be, nor is anyone qualified, to be anyone's therapist.

What you can do, that is greatly appreciated, is listen and respond with non committal statements

"That sounds hard"
"I'm sorry you have to deal with that"
"I'm sorry you have to go thru that"
"People can be a$$holes"
"You'll get thru it"

Active listening goes a long way

Curious since we are sort of having this discussion, women often talk about empathizing, what does that mean to you, I mean, since you are a woman.

 

[Glassguy]

Active listening and trying to solve her problems are 2 totally different things. Active listening takes no resource except a minimal amount of time.

Think of down the road: no woman is going to fantasize about how you helped her figure out her problem. She will in fact fantasize about how you threw her around in bed, totally dominated her and made her *** endlessly.

No woman is going to hit you up months later because she has a problem that you're good at solving. She will when she needs d!cked down like you gave her. She will crave the sexually physical and emotional connection. Not the problem solving ALTHOUGH she may use something you did "help" her with as an excuse to get d!cked down again. Never the reverse.

 

[sazc]

Curious since we are sort of having this discussion, women often talk about empathizing, what does that mean to you, I mean, since you are a woman.

It means the same stuff I wrote above, and it is important. You can also Google it to get more reply phrases.

Most women just want emotional validation when they are venting their outside frustrations on you. If they are venting your relationship frustrations, that's different, you need to engage and communicate, at that point.

But good gawd, don't try to fix anyone. People don't/rarely change. If you don't like them for who they are as they come, it's better to just move on

 

[highSpeed]

It means the same stuff I wrote above, and it is important. You can also Google it to get more reply phrases.

Most women just want emotional validation when they are venting their outside frustrations on you. If they are venting your relationship frustrations, that's different, you need to engage and communicate, at that point.

But good gawd, don't try to fix anyone. People don't/rarely change. If you don't like them for who they are as they come, it's better to just move on

well let me give you a for instance, when I try to empathize, I try to relate with my own similar experiences, as kind of a way of saying, I know how you feel to some degree and I can relate. That for some reason, gets thrown in my face as I'm trying to make the conversation all about me. I add in some of the other things like that's tough or boy I'm sorry about that but I also add in my own experiences so it seems like I understand where someone is coming from.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

I'm on the fence about this one. I agree with @sazc , but I also feel like those statements like, "that sounds hard," are shallow.... like they communicate, "I'm listening to humor you and let you vent, but I'm not really interested beyond just sitting here listening, and by not asking questions, I'm just waiting for you to end this line of conversation because I don't want to go any deeper." I do wonder if that is really "active" listening or not.

Before I continue, I do want to mention that guys respond to problems differently than women - men look for solutions when they communicate an issue, while women just seek to be heard and understood. I really struggled with this with my first wife and it took me a LONG time to figure it out. Women generally hate it when you try to offer them advice to solve their issues.

But having said that, where I am now is trying to find the line between just letting a woman "get it all out", vs actually actively participating in the discussion by asking questions and seeking to understand her and how she feels vs being her therapist. What I've been doing lately, and only with women I'm serious or semi-serious with, is listen, don't try to solve the problem, but ask them questions to help get them thinking and to help me understand them better. For example, let's say a woman tells you that she really seeks her father's attention, and nothing seems like nothing is ever good enough for him. You know from previous discussions that she also has a somewhat strained relationship with her mother. So I might ask her WHY, specifically, she feels like nothing is ever good enough for him. Or why she seeks validation from her father but not her mother. I might interject a similar experience or observation I have encountered in my life. I don't try to solve the issue, and don't tell her to try x or y. I also don't spend much time on these subjects and certainly don't setup a dynamic where she is always bringing her issues to me and looking for an hour therapy session. This is more like part of a larger rambling conversation between two people that could then move on to the weather or whatever. I view this as a way to understand her better and it communicates an interest in her as a person (again, only if I've determined she is relationship material).

I'd be interested to hear a woman's opinion on this though. @sazc if a guy never really asked questions while you vented or talked about something serious (like growing up, family dynamics, etc), would that really make you feel like he understood you?

 

[sazc]

@oldmanofthesea those statements are absolutely shallow BUT they are a good beginning. If they end up being not enough, then you have to be prepared to offer more.

If she exclaims that but your responses sound shallow, You can always default to "babe, I don't know what else to say, the situation sounds crummy, I'm also at a loss!"

 

[The_411]

This one is fairly simple. When you first meet a girl, do you want to hear about her problems? Nope.

For casual dating the goal is to stay away from problems by changing the subject and creating positive experiences. Hell, you can use sec to make her feel better. Just don’t try to have de sexy time when she’s having a breakdown. Make her feel better by having fun and creating a sexualized state.

As for long term dating and serious dating you can’t just change the subject every time or she’ll think you are not serious about her or the relationship. The key with long term relationships is listening and being supportive and subtly guide her toward coping mechanisms.

 

[Mazer]

In a relationship you need to do both.

 

[Ranger]

Never try to solve a woman’s problems. You will pay for that type of stupidity.