Balancing her feeling of Security

[forward]

So I'm not sure who said it first on here, but I'm seeing more and more that the number one principle that best guides all others when interacting with a woman is:

Maintain a balance between her feeling secure and insecure.

I've noticed this most in LTRs, though I think it applies even on a small-scale. If she feels too secure in feeling that you dig her and will stick with her, even the best girl will get lazy towards consistently finding ways to be great to you, or even lose interest and leave. If she feels too insecure, the best girls will wisely leave the situation, the others will turn into the clingy desperate pleaser.

It's amazing how much control you have over her feeling of security, and the subtle and creative ways you can affect this. Lately I've been making an effort to be aware of this and adjust my behavior accordingly. Not some obsessive thing where I constantly over-analyze and filter my behavior and her behavior. I just try to maintain an intuitive awareness of where I think she lies on the security spectrum, and act with this in mind.

It works wonders. It think it's better for both the man and the woman the nearer she is to the 'sweet spot' of security. Things just sort of work.

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Two things I'm curious about:

1) I know this topic has been discussed before, but does it sound to you guys like I have a decent grasp of it?

2) How on earth do you fit marriage/family into this? (Or do these NOT fit). On the one hand, I am amazed at the variety of creative ways to affect a woman's security-level. Perhaps you can keep a wife in the 'sweet spot'. But on the other hand, marriage does seem to be too great a security-boost -- like I'd be giving up too much of that 'power' I tap into to keep the security level where things work best.

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At any rate, my current axiom:
Women are happiest and behave the best when they continually have the 'he loves me, he loves me not' experience.

Am I thinking clearly here?

 

[Splendidostring]

Yeah, it's a 24 hour job.

First you got to create yourself a list of positive/negative emotions.
After that, you need to scramble them in order to put them in a random fashion.

Now the real work begin.

Every day, you need to re-create the list, in order to create another random effect (we don't want it to stay static, we need to create a program that generates random patterns.)

On a daily basis you have to follow the list.

Let's create a false list :

1. Anger

"Hey honey, you shouldn't put on that dress, makes you look fat"

2. Happiness

"Now that you put on a different dress, you look kind of cute (****y/funny)

3. Indifference

"____________" Ignore her for about 20 minutes

4. Drama

"I'm not quite sure where our relation is going."

5. Humor

"Just kidding, I kinda like to have sex with you".

etc etc.

Next day, as I said before you change the list and you go on again!






If only it could be that easy

 

[catman]

Doesnt all this point back to the saying that women are never happy atlest alot of them anyway ?? The game of playing she loves me she loves me not that all women seem to like to play drives me away and drives me nuts in the process?Does this drive you guys away too? I tell myself that this is flighty-flakey behavior if they dont know if they love you,are in love with you,love you one day but not the next?

 

[Sinistar]

1) I know this topic has been discussed before, but does it sound to you guys like I have a decent grasp of it?

Yes, in matrix speak you are starting to see the machine code

2) How on earth do you fit marriage/family into this? (Or do these NOT fit). On the one hand, I am amazed at the variety of creative ways to affect a woman's security-level. Perhaps you can keep a wife in the 'sweet spot'. But on the other hand, marriage does seem to be too great a security-boost -- like I'd be giving up too much of that 'power' I tap into to keep the security level where things work best.

I can only speak to being married for a few years. Very related to another recent topic - DO NOT CHANGE! Keep doing your same hobbies and interests, yes you will not quite have the same amount of time but do not give them up. This communicates that you find value in your life outside the home and outside your relationship with her. Guess what, the fact you kept doing what you were doing makes her feel secure (you did not change for her) and a tad in insecurity (he's off doing what he likes, I'll have to trust that he doesn't stray, etc, etc).

The same goes for interaction with women after being married. I still smile at every woman I pass by, even if the wife is with me. If she asks me later if I found this woman or that woman attractive or not - I TELL HER THE TRUTH! That will spin up some insecurity but at the same time she knows I am committed to her because of my actions (women are much better at picking up on this then men). So, as much as she doesn't want that competitiveness she needs a bit of it.

Another thing to consider, which I am learning now with a daughter. Clearly females are wired very differently from males. As my daughter grows older, her strongest impressions will be of a mom being motherly and a dad being fatherly. Moms (good ones) will bathe her in security, teach her the feminine ways of communication and immerse her in the ways of raising children. Meanwhile Dads (good ones) will provide security too but in different ways (physical, financial, patience, etc). Good dads won't sit and ask daughters how they feel, cry together, or do everything for the daughter. At the same time the daughter will know that the dad will pass all of her tests (including punishment).

And then you have women. They have one primary drive - to make babies. From a young age, they saw how moms raised babies (especially including themselves). They also saw how dad played their role, not rushing out and doing every little thing but being there when really needed. And being gone alot (working, making money and doing guy stuff).

So it's no surprise that women don't want guys who barf out feelings or try to do everything for them or need to be around them every minute of the day. Daddy was so not like that and anything different makes them uncomfortable hence the LJBF's, women who own frames, women who constantly test.

At any rate, my current axiom:
Women are happiest and behave the best when they continually have the 'he loves me, he loves me not' experience.

Am I thinking clearly here?

I think you've stumbled onto one of the most important things to understand about women. However, I will offer a different version of your axiom because I do not believe "she loves me not" is healthy way to give her that healthy bit of needed insecurity. Perhaps:

'he loves me, but he could have any woman he wants'

 

[Da Realist]

A man can do many things, but can't do everything; she will have to pick up the slack somewhere. Just wake up, deal with the things you can and let go of those you can't. That way you aren't running yourself ragged trying to make everything perfect, but you are getting things done.