Bailing before you get too attached?

[hansol]

Hey guys,

Just wanted to get some opinions on the following scenario:

I've been seeing this one chick for about a month now. I've got a few other plates on the side, and when I first met this chick the intention was to just have her be another f*ck buddy. I'm pretty busy in my life, and also pretty particular in my tastes, so it's rare I encounter a chick that I actually want to date.

So things started as f*ck buddies, but the more time I spent with this girl, the more I started to actually like her. Personality was cool, from a good family, very driven, good in bed, and generally the same interests and tastes in things as myself. So the further things progressed, the more I found myself wanting to be around this chick, and less with the other plates.

But I'm sure you can see where this is going. Long story short, while I'm pretty in to her, she isn't as in to me. From what I can tell, she has some ex-issues (*note: different chick with ex issues from my other recent thread), and from what she said, she isn't really interested in taking things any further than **** buddies with me (though her actions seem to suggest otherwise; read below). She said she likes being around me and having me around and spending time with me, but what I got from that was that she is happy "killing time" with me until something better comes along.

So last night I dropped her. I figured better to walk away now, than become attached to something that would never be. Getting laid isn't an issue, as that's what the other plates are for, but I know if I stayed around to just bang this chick and keep her around as another plate in the line-up, it would just mess with my emotions, and I would rather just have her gone than deal with that rollercoaster.

I guess my question is whether or not this was the right call. I mean this chick was spending a lot of time with me, more than just my usual **** buddy action of quick text, bang, and then home before SportsCenter. We were doing the restaurant thing, sleeping over, going to events together with her social circle. Given those actions, I was thinking that maybe I pulled the gun prematurely, that with more time she would come around, even though in the interim she "says" she doesn't want anything more. Then again, why should I wait for her to "come around" right? I don't want to have to convince a chick that she should be with me, I want her to WANT to be with me.

Anyway, lots of **** going through my head right now, so figured I'd throw it to the board and you guys can set me straight.

*Edit. I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm confused. I mean I always try to go by a chick's actions, not her words, and her actions scream "relationship." Meeting her roommates, going out in public together, PDA's around her social circle, being invited to a big fundraiser she's organizing where her friends and family are all there, all this stuff went down. And yet she "says" I'm not her type and she doesn't feel passion with me. So the choice here was to ignore what she "says" and go by her actions, and get more and more attached. Or instead pre-emptively kill it thinking that it's not going to lead anywhere anyway, and no sense getting attached to something that never will be.

 

[DonJuanabe]

Continue with NC and you'll learn how she really feels. If you don't hear from her then her words were true; if you do hear from her then her words were false and you now hold the power position in the relationship. Prior to that, due to emotional neediness, you were not the one in control.

 

[hansol]

Hey guys,

So quick update. Not even a day later I get this text:

"I feel like I can't tell you what maybe you're looking to hear. But the thought of not seeing you anymore makes me feel funny. And kind of sad. And I don't like that. Does that count for anything?"

I'll take it with a grain of salt of course, and still not quite sure how to decipher the woman-ese here.

 

[SecondHalf]

Hey guys,

So quick update. Not even a day later I get this text:

"I feel like I can't tell you what maybe you're looking to hear. But the thought of not seeing you anymore makes me feel funny. And kind of sad. And I don't like that. Does that count for anything?"

I'll take it with a grain of salt of course, and still not quite sure how to decipher the woman-ese here.

She still has frame.
Continue ignoring her until she's a quivering mass of uncertainty and regret. Then (if it comes to that) reevaluate. Odds are if it comes to that, it might just solve your problem of one-itus vulnerability (bit of a turn off).

SH

 

[Renegade357]

"I feel like I can't tell you what maybe you're looking to hear. But the thought of not seeing you anymore makes me feel funny. And kind of sad. And I don't like that. Does that count for anything?"

Haha, what a half ass thing to say. This girl is awful. She wants to keep you on the rope without investing anything in herself. If she liked you she could fix this insantly. Drop her for good man.

 

[betheman]

She still has frame.
Continue ignoring her until she's a quivering mass of uncertainty and regret. Then (if it comes to that) reevaluate. Odds are if it comes to that, it might just solve your problem of one-itus vulnerability (bit of a turn off).

SH

very true, she is good, her reply told you nothing, gave you nothing, it was a statement you were supposed to fuddle through and and come across as needy. i.e "does that count for anything".

Id stay NC and go out with friends, socialise, get on with your own stuff.
long term though, if she does come a running, you need to factor in how she has been playing, you want that long term?

 

[Bokanovsky]

*Edit. I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm confused. I mean I always try to go by a chick's actions, not her words, and her actions scream "relationship." Meeting her roommates, going out in public together, PDA's around her social circle, being invited to a big fundraiser she's organizing where her friends and family are all there, all this stuff went down. And yet she "says" I'm not her type and she doesn't feel passion with me.So the choice here was to ignore what she "says" and go by her actions, and get more and more attached. Or instead pre-emptively kill it thinking that it's not going to lead anywhere anyway, and no sense getting attached to something that never will be.

In my book, saying those things is pretty disrespectful, even if she actually feels that way. I would never tell a FB that I have "no passions for her"...I just wouldn't bring the subject up in the first place. So it seems that either this girl doesn't respect you (which means that she does not see you as a long term prospect) or it's some kind of a f*cked up sh!t test, which would be a red flag in its own right. In any event, I think you've made the right call.

 

[st_99]

im willing to bet the sex dropped off at some point and that is why you 'dropped her'

 

[hansol]

Thanks very much guys. So what is her "angle" here then? She gets the attention/sex that comes with a "relationship" with none of the commitment or responsibilities involved?

 

[hansol]

im willing to bet the sex dropped off at some point and that is why you 'dropped her'

Actually no, that's the weird thing. This chick easily goes 3+ times a night. I have a bugger of a time keeping up with her. (Not that I can't, just that I have more important things to do. Like sleep/work.)

 

[SecondHalf]

Thanks very much guys. So what is her "angle" here then? She gets the attention/sex that comes with a "relationship" with none of the commitment or responsibilities involved?

You're the stepping stone.
Turn it around!

SH

 

[vatoloco]

"I feel like I can't tell you what maybe you're looking to hear."

Wow. This girl is good.

"But the thought of not seeing you anymore makes me feel funny. And kind of sad. And I don't like that."

Translation: The thought of losing you as an Orbiter makes my ego hurt. I don't like it.

"Does that count for anything?"

Translation: Are the little crumbs of attention I give you working?

 

[st_99]

Actually no, that's the weird thing. This chick easily goes 3+ times a night. I have a bugger of a time keeping up with her. (Not that I can't, just that I have more important things to do. Like sleep/work.)

ok, so you're saying the sex frequency did not go down one bit. thats interesting. well, i think you may have jumped the gun but hard to say. IMO, if the sex is steady, you have all the evidence you need that she is into you. And whats coming out of her mouth is mostly horse sh!t caused by a variety of reasons. She may still be a total cvnt but thats another topic.

But still though, if after only a month you're getting emo, then thats lame on your part. Looks like there is few things going on
here..

 

[betheman]

Her Angle?? maybe she is playing it a bit too hardball? maybe she wants you to beg? put a ring on her finger? maybe she is f ccuked up and enjoys the pu$$y power trip? maybe there is a guy on the horizon she has in her Radar and until he or she pulls that trigger, you will do in the meantime?

 

[hansol]

Vato,

See that's what's blowing my mind here. I've never experienced a chick treating an orbitor in this way: sex on demand, meeting her social circle, making food for the guy on demand, all that stuff. Not to say it isn't possible, I will more than believe you guys; this will just have been my first exposure to fu.ckery on that level.

St_99, I'm kinda thinking you're right. Again, the whole "ignore what she says, listen/watch her actions." Sex is definitely steady, and she is still crazy wet when it goes down. Might just be a biology thing, but I'm definitely not getting the "I have a headache/dry as a desert" reaction when we are hanging out.

Anyway, thanks again guys. Its always nice to get some direction and not feel like you're wandering around in the dark.

 

[vatoloco]

Vato,

See that's what's blowing my mind here. I've never experienced a chick treating an orbitor in this way: sex on demand, meeting her social circle, making food for the guy on demand, all that stuff. Not to say it isn't possible, I will more than believe you guys; this will just have been my first exposure to fu.ckery on that level.

Well, the problem I see is that you are falling for the Sex=Love Fallacy™. A woman will fuck you if she's horny enough. But it doesn't necessarily mean that she is in love with you.

Sure, she fucks you. Does that mean she loves you? Not necessarily. Maybe she just wants to get her freak on (especially if she's drunk and you're decent-looking ). Hey, you have a penis and are willing and able. She goes out with you and friends and does PDA? Could mean she has low-self esteem and "meh"-company is better than no-company.

"She is happy 'killing time' with me until something better comes along."

It don't get clearer than that. I would've suggested you keep tapping it if you were able to keep your emotions in check but since you said "I'm pretty in to her, she isn't as in to me", it'd be impossible to do and I think your course of action (dropping her) is the right thing to do.

If you're looking for a good one, this one ain't it. You'll just be wasting your time, money and effort.

 

[muscleman]

If you feel you were spending too much time with, and falling for, a girl who hasn't reciprocated those deeper emotions, you made the right call.

 

[JBB84]

I am in somewhat of a similar situation and I am just wondering how exactly you went about ending things with her? Did you tell her you have feelings for her?

 

[hansol]

I came to the conclusion that there were two options:

(1) Go full a$$hole. She didn't want you, she can go fck herself then, because clearly she has bad taste and probably ****ty values. She lost her chance with you, but you can still bang her on the side. Keep her around to do all the crazy stuff you've seen in a porno that you've always wanted to do. (The irony here is if you do that, she will probably wind up madly in love with you, except by then you won't give a crap about her.)

(2) Go ghost permanently to save messing yourself up emotionally. Definitely the safest option.

Either results in you not getting the girl long-term. Vato's advice was spot on, so listen to it. I guess in the end it will just depend on what you want out of it, as long as "it" doesn't involve a serious relationship. What you DON'T want to do is get involved thinking "oh I can change her and bring her around." Cause at that point you're dead in the water and just don't know it. Ask me how I know...