Bad situation - How do I handle this

[Serg897]

So Ive been seeing this girl for about 3 months now. Its been pretty good, though she hasnt wanted to commit to anything and has sometimes acted a little stand-offish from time to time.

Now I know why.

I was over her house last night and this morning when she woke up to shower/get ready for class I did some snooping on her cell phone.

I saw some pretty interesting texts. They are from a dude, saying things like "I want you baby" , and "I want you to suck daddy's ****" etc.

Thing is, I know who this dude is. One of her replies gave it away. He is a turkish exchange student who no longer lives here anymore. She was seeing him for a long time last year before she met me, until he ran off back to Turkey - this is according to the story she once told me. The reply that gave it away was something like "I would come visit you in Turkey " or some nonsense like that.

So...this explains everything. It explains why she has these on and off cycles where she sometimes backs away and seems distant. Obviously, things are still going on between the two.

So - what to do here?

I didnt even confront her about it this morning. I need to do some thinking about it.

Personally, I think I should break up with her tonight. This kind of **** is unacceptable.

Well? What would you all do?

 

[Solomon]

lol @ you snooping on her cell

I've done this before I aint gonna lie
Drop her ASAP, just drop her,

SPin some new plates, buy a new shirt and cologne you will be aight!!

 

[WC2]

Your whole attitude of being 'pushy' for a relationship is breeding this kind of behavior from your 'girl'.

Notice I say 'girl', as it seems your a little confused what she really is. She says she doesn't want commitment, however you end your post with asking us if you should break up with her. YOU WERE NEVER TOGETHER!

Any girl who isn't head over heels for you, in love with you and doesn't want commitment is on the open market. She is fresh meat for anyone who pleases.

Your instincts tell you that you should attempt to solidify a relationship with this girl by moving forward and making the move, but your instincts serve you wrong.

The only way of creating a 'committed' relationship with a girl is by creating some self value and sparking attraction. This means NOT being pushy, NOT pushing for a relationship, but just having fun with her.

It seems to me like you're too set on the commitment part and not on the most important part - having fun.

As far as this dude is concerned, forget him for now. You two are not together so you have no right to really say anything (unless you just want to be nexted for being an annoyance). If you two were actually serious, I'd tell you to either get rid of this chick or lay some simple rules. You talk to other dudes, I will go talk with other women and never see you again. Simple as that.

Getting jealous over him is just going to show her that you were never confident enough to be with her anyways.

Ignore the dude, have more fun, spark more attraction and worry less about getting this chick to commit. It just happens.

 

[gray_fox_9]

All good advice...I agree...if you have to resort to snooping through her cell phone then do yourself a favor and cut off all contact with her. Trust me you'll be happier you did in the end.

 

[Serg897]

Good reply WC2. I guess its obvious that yeah, I have pushed for a relationship before.

Its been over a month since I really mentioned that topic. I've tried to be careful not to be too overbearing with that, and Ive really tried to concentrate more on the fun aspect - because I know that's whats going to keep her coming back.

But you have to also understand that Im sortoff looking for more than just what we have right now. I know the overall philosophy on this website is something that goes like "Only girls look for LTR's - DJ's have fun" You're problably just going to tell me I need to change my attitude. However, I dont know if its that simple. Ive had many one-night stands and short flings throughout college - at this point I just want to get serious with someone.

Also, unbeknown to her I kinda HAVE seen other girls briefly during the past three months - I havent limited myself in that way. Does that make me a hypocrite? Perhaps...hah. But Im choosy about the girls I want to get into relationships with. The other girls Ive fooled around with this semester I was only interested in for sex. This one is better than they are. And the ONLY reason why I didnt limit myself was BECAUSE of her non-commitment.

You really think I should just ignore this? Ignore these scandalous texts I saw? Its going to be difficult given my perspective.

 

[Serg897]

Also, should I even mention that I saw these texts and admit to snooping on her phone? Or should I just stop calling her?

 

[WC2]

Good reply WC2. I guess its obvious that yeah, I have pushed for a relationship before.

Its been over a month since I really mentioned that topic. I've tried to be careful not to be too overbearing with that, and Ive really tried to concentrate more on the fun aspect - because I know that's whats going to keep her coming back.

But you have to also understand that Im sortoff looking for more than just what we have right now. I know the overall philosophy on this website is something that goes like "Only girls look for LTR's - DJ's have fun" You're problably just going to tell me I need to change my attitude. However, I dont know if its that simple. Ive had many one-night stands and short flings throughout college - at this point I just want to get serious with someone.

Also, unbeknown to her I kinda HAVE seen other girls briefly during the past three months - I havent limited myself in that way. Does that make me a hypocrite? Perhaps...hah. But Im choosy about the girls I want to get into relationships with. The other girls Ive fooled around with this semester I was only interested in for sex. This one is better than they are.

You really think I should just ignore this? Ignore these scandalous texts I saw? Its going to be difficult given my perspective.

It may be true that you've had your share of one night stands and flings in the past, but I don't think you've had enough to fully appreciate what makes a healthy relationship FOR YOU.

A healthy relationship for you is one in which you feel your woman wants you just as much or more than you want her.

If you go about looking for this LTR then she automatically holds the power. This will lead to nothing but problems in the future. Women are emotional, so they will do what leads them emotionally, not logically. Emotionally, she will know that you are more worried about losing her than she is about losing you. Emotionally, she becomes less attracted and seeks a male that doesn't desire her quite as much.

Guys on the other hand can treat the upper hand logically and say, "Hey this is a great feeling to have the power, I wouldn't mind staying with this girl." While this man may cheat cause he can, emotionally he is always with her.

The bottom line is that giving women the upperhand by pushing for anything serious is a dire mistake that usually just ends up in a treacherous relationship/breakup.

Like I said, get the relationship thing off your mind and just make it happen. Show her fun like you were in a relationship, but don't mention anything about it. This is the biggest turn off to women.

I promise you bringing up this other guy will do nothing but scare her away. She has every right to be talking to other men if she's not exclusive with you.

Stop being desperate for this woman. She needs to know that while you may have fun with her, you're not there to please her every second of the day. Up your value by living your life and including her in it when you want to.

 

[Serg897]

WC2, thanks for the great replies. You make a compelling argument and it has changed my attitude a little. I was pretty much dead set on bringing it up and causing a ruckus, but now I'm not sure.

I know that she has some interest for me. When I am with her she is affectionate, she does call/text me fairly often, and I have definately shown her many good times before. I could probably keep going with this if I follow WC2's advice.

But now that I have this extra piece of knowledge about her it could be a problem in terms of my mental sanity. Its going to bother me. Maybe ignorance really is bliss.

Are there any big disagreements with WC2?

 

[Serg897]

This is crazy - apparently one of my apartmentmates knows the kid. Says he is a big player and is probably seeing other girls.

Haha.....

I don't think this changes the dynamic of the whole situation - its just interesting/funny. I actually sorta remember the kid - I remember him getting made fun of in class by a professor I had freshman year. I'll have more to say about if I choose to bring it up.

 

[WC2]

This is crazy - apparently one of my apartmentmates knows the kid. Says he is a big player and is probably seeing other girls.

Haha.....

I don't think this changes the dynamic of the whole situation - its just interesting/funny. I actually sorta remember the kid - I remember him getting made fun of in class by a professor I had freshman year. I'll have more to say about if I choose to bring it up.

You're too in your head right now.

Has anything good come of telling a girl that you're mad about them talking to another dude? No!

It always ends up in arguments/loss of attraction. If this was your GF like I said before, I'd break it off.

But she's not.

She may be affectionate towards you, but she is keeping her options open until she feels 100% attracted to you or someone else.

It's just like we as DJs spin plates, women spin men until they've found one that satisfies them.

Whatever this guy has done/did should not matter to you. It's you and her. Even better, you are here and he is in Turkey. If you spark enough attraction, she will stop talking to this dude pronto. However, make sure not to get yourself TOO attached.

 

[Serg897]

But how long is it going to take? Its already been 3 months. How much longer do I have to continue this? The fact is Im not very happy with the way things are, and Im not sure Im willing to continue. I was already thinking about bringing things up before I saw the texts. Now Im increasingly leaning in that direction.

Im already attached, and there is little I can do about it.


There is something else I havent told you. When I first mentioned the whole "commitment" thing months ago, she brought up this guy, and told me that she still has feelings for him. I broke it off with her after that - I was not going to tolerate it.

But then she started calling/texting me again. I played the game with her and ignored her for a while, but eventually I gave in and started seeing her again.

We are still in the same dynamic. And I don't think I'll be able to just ignore this.

If I have to lose her over this, so be it. I'm tired of games. There are plenty of other women that won't be like this.

 

[WC2]

But how long is it going to take? Its already been 3 months. How much longer do I have to continue this? The fact is Im not very happy with the way things are, and Im not sure Im willing to continue. I was already thinking about bringing things up before I saw the texts. Now Im increasingly leaning in that direction.

Im already attached, and there is little I can do about it.


There is something else I havent told you. When I first mentioned the whole "commitment" thing months ago, she brought up this guy, and told me that she still has feelings for him. I broke it off with her after that - I was not going to tolerate it.

But then she started calling/texting me again. I played the game with her and ignored her for a while, but eventually I gave in and started seeing her again.

We are still in the same dynamic. And I don't think I'll be able to just ignore this.

If I have to lose her over this, so be it. I'm tired of games. There are plenty of other women that won't be like this.

Bro I was seeing my girl for 6 months before it ever really turned in to anything.

The only difference between me and you is that I wasn't really worried about it. I turned her down on hanging out 50% of the time and was seeing other girls as well.

However, she proved that she really DID want to dedicate time to me by sticking around for that long. In a sense, I held the power and she showed me that she was worthy of being there.

It sounds to me that you're just the opposite, as you want a relationship with her while she's talking to that other guy. It may work, but in the end you will just end up giving her all the power.

Again, I suggest you drop the jealousy and start seeing other women as well as her. You'll find that when you stop wanting it, you'll start getting it more.

 

[DonJuan11]

So Ive been seeing this girl for about 3 months now. Its been pretty good, though she hasnt wanted to commit to anything and has sometimes acted a little stand-offish from time to time.

Then it hasn't been that good if she's been stand-offish from time to time.

I was over her house last night and this morning when she woke up to shower/get ready for class I did some snooping on her cell phone.

Rock on! You are good bf to have to snoop into your gf's cellphone. She's lucky to have you.

I saw some pretty interesting texts. They are from a dude, saying things like "I want you baby" , and "I want you to suck daddy's ****" etc.

Thing is, I know who this dude is. One of her replies gave it away. He is a turkish exchange student who no longer lives here anymore. She was seeing him for a long time last year before she met me, until he ran off back to Turkey - this is according to the story she once told me. The reply that gave it away was something like "I would come visit you in Turkey " or some nonsense like that.

So...this explains everything. It explains why she has these on and off cycles where she sometimes backs away and seems distant. Obviously, things are still going on between the two.

So - what to do here?

I didnt even confront her about it this morning. I need to do some thinking about it.

Personally, I think I should break up with her tonight. This kind of **** is unacceptable.

Well? What would you all do?

You should apologize for snooping and then give her the time of life for now and all days.

 

[Serg897]

Just want to give an update to what happened to those following this thread, and WC2 especially....

I didnt listen and I called her anyway to talk about this. But it wouldn't have mattered regardless. She told me she was going to call me to do the same thing tonight also.

Somehow she figured out that I snooped. She said "I know" right after I mentioned it.

Overall, it seems like the damage was already done. I definately did push for a relationship too soon, I see that now. Nothing I could have done at this point would have reversed this course. This whole thing was doomed to failure for a while now.

So now I learned a lesson from this. Never be the one to push for the relationship. Im upset sure....but I'll get over it. I know that it must be done.

 

[Igetit!]

Just want to give an update to what happened to those following this thread, and WC2 especially....

I didnt listen and I called her anyway to talk about this. But it wouldn't have mattered regardless. She told me she was going to call me to do the same thing tonight also.

Somehow she figured out that I snooped. She said "I know" right after I mentioned it.

Overall, it seems like the damage was already done. I definately did push for a relationship too soon, I see that now. Nothing I could have done at this point would have reversed this course. This whole thing was doomed to failure for a while now.

So now I learned a lesson from this. Never be the one to push for the relationship. Im upset sure....but I'll get over it. I know that it must be done.

This is one of the funniest updates I've seen here on Sosuave. You said you wanted to let all the members who were following this thread,and especially WC2 what was going on with this situation. You said "especially WC2" because out of all the replies,he gave you the best advice. So what was the update? It was that you didn't take his advice! LOL! All those pearls of wisdom simply thrown to the side. Maybe it was already doomed to fail,but I'd still have followed what WC2 told you. Maybe things could have been salvaged.

 

[Rounder]

whoops, saw your update and my entire post was then worthless.

 

[Serg897]

Im not sure what would have happened if I just ignored it with the intention of keeping things going. According to her, she would have still called me last night to have a similar talk.

If I was dead set on the course that WC2 layed out, I probably could have lied and said I didn't snoop, gone home for thanksgiving and called her after I came back to hang out again. Assuming it had gone smoothly, and there is a good chance it wouldn't have.

But honestly, I had become too attached to this girl. I'm still dealing with all the emotions of the "break-up", which I pretty much initiated during our conversation. I don't think I would have been happy ignoring the situation.

Like I said, my mind-set was off. I have always wanted this girl to commit. I didn't mention it that often, and I pretended like it didn't bother me, but that was the underlying goal. And in the end I think it was my undoing. Lesson learned.

I'm having thoughts now of calling her in a week or so after I come back and seeing if she wants to get together again (just to f!ck - the sex was pretty good with her, and it seems to be most of what she wanted) But it might just be me trying to think of excuses to call her again. I miss her and I wish I could still see her, but even if I'm successful I don't know if just f!cking her again is going to make me feel better.

 

[Igetit!]

Im not sure what would have happened if I just ignored it with the intention of keeping things going. According to her, she would have still called me last night to have a similar talk.

If I was dead set on the course that WC2 layed out, I probably could have lied and said I didn't snoop, gone home for thanksgiving and called her after I came back to hang out again. Assuming it had gone smoothly, and there is a good chance it wouldn't have.

But honestly, I had become too attached to this girl. I'm still dealing with all the emotions of the "break-up", which I pretty much initiated during our conversation. I don't think I would have been happy ignoring the situation.

Like I said, my mind-set was off. I have always wanted this girl to commit. I didn't mention it that often, and I pretended like it didn't bother me, but that was the underlying goal. And in the end I think it was my undoing. Lesson learned.

I'm having thoughts now of calling her in a week or so after I come back and seeing if she wants to get together again (just to f!ck - the sex was pretty good with her, and it seems to be most of what she wanted) But it might just be me trying to think of excuses to call her again. I miss her and I wish I could still see her, but even if I'm successful I don't know if just f!cking her again is going to make me feel better.

Let me see if I got this straight. You're dealing with the emotions of "the breakup",with a girl who never made a commitment to you. O..kay.
However,you do realize why this girl never committed to being in a relationship with you,don't you? It was because she "sensed" that you wanted one. Do you get that? She wouldn't commit to you because she knew you wanted to commit to her. Look at the other guy,the one who went to Turkey. The text he sent to her saying,"I want you baby",and how he wanted her to....well,you know what it said. Look at those comments.
Are those the words of a guy who wants a commitment? Of course not.
And that's exactly why she probably wants a commitment with him.

You see that mistake you made? You focused more on a "relationship",while this other guy focused on her emotions,making her feel attraction,chemistry.
He focused on sexual attraction,while you focused on possibly growing old together with her. The instant you said something about commitment,or she sensed a commitment vibe from you,she felt tied down. That's how she felt. This is why she was as you said,"standoffish". Whereas with this other guy,she was free just to feel the emotions he generated in her,without any added pressure of being locked in a relationship.

You said that you'd like to call her in a week to see if the two of you can get together again. I don't know man. This seems pretty much over to me,but I guess you can call and see what happens. This situation is kind of like being in the friendzone. It's hard,hard to undo. Her knowing that you want a commitment plus that fact that the trust has been fractured because of you snooping through her cell phone is too much to overcome. I doubt that all this damage with be smoothed over enough in 7 days to make her want to date you again. But hey,anything's possible.

 

[Serg897]

You guys are right. That was obviously my problem. It doesn't help that this guy was "seeing" her for much longer than I was (most of last year, supposedly), and she seems to have many feelings still built up for him from that time.

I have the "break-up" emotions because I was attached. I know its stupid, but I let myself become too invested in this girl. I was too busy with her and with life in general (plans after graduation) this semester, and became too distracted to really pursue other girls. Therefore right now I have no fall back options.

All mistakes I made. I'll keep them in mind for next time.

As for calling her next week, it could be an awful idea. After a.) what I said and b.) me snooping, the damage could be irreversible. The only thing I have going for me is that this other guy is thousands of miles away, and doesn't look like he will be seeing her any time soon.

I'll have to think about it.

 

[izza]

So Ive been seeing this girl for about 3 months now. Its been pretty good, though she hasnt wanted to commit to anything and has sometimes acted a little stand-offish from time to time.

Now I know why.

I was over her house last night and this morning when she woke up to shower/get ready for class I did some snooping on her cell phone.

I saw some pretty interesting texts. They are from a dude, saying things like "I want you baby" , and "I want you to suck daddy's ****" etc.

Thing is, I know who this dude is. One of her replies gave it away. He is a turkish exchange student who no longer lives here anymore. She was seeing him for a long time last year before she met me, until he ran off back to Turkey - this is according to the story she once told me. The reply that gave it away was something like "I would come visit you in Turkey " or some nonsense like that.

So...this explains everything. It explains why she has these on and off cycles where she sometimes backs away and seems distant. Obviously, things are still going on between the two.

So - what to do here?

I didnt even confront her about it this morning. I need to do some thinking about it.

Personally, I think I should break up with her tonight. This kind of **** is unacceptable.

Well? What would you all do?

One thing is really obvious from your posts... your levels of trust and communication with this girl are too low. They suck. I think breaking up with her over this is silly... it's not like she committed to you. Maybe you now think you know why, but most likely, to be blunt, you're wrong. It could be a million things. To be honest, if your relationship had the level of trust and communication it should:

1.) You would already know about this guy.
2.) You would know why she's been reticent, rather than needing to snoop like a creep. Don't you think that is a bit disrespectful of her space? I know you wanted answers, but it seems to me, you should learn to have conversations where you find out what you need to know from her. That's the real problem.
3.) She wouldn't be thinking of him if your relationship, after 3 months, was awesome.

If you're going to break up with her, don't do it over her and this guy. That's so childish.

Do it because your communication obviously sucks - and by your non-confrontational attitude, I can tell it's not only her fault.

Sorry to be harsh, good for you being in a relationship, realizing that you need some more commitment from her. It sounds like you're doing a lot of things right. It just sounds like you're extremely insecure and taking a lot of her behavior personally, when, as I said above, it almost certainly has little to do with who you are.

Izza