bad accent

"She Wants a Man, Not a Boy"

You asked her if she wanted to grab coffee. Then you asked if the time worked. Then you asked if the place was okay. Then you asked if she'd prefer tea.

Four questions. Four chances for her to say no. Four signals that you're terrified of making a decision.

Plan it. Pick the place. Pick the time. Tell her where to meet you. She'll either show up or she won't.

Either way, you look like a man instead of a scared little boy.

doctoroxygen

Master Don Juan

Dec 6, 2005

Lateral "S". Makes a little hissing sound when I say "S". I just hiss a lot when people bring it up.

"Yesss, that'ssss right. Did I tell you about my dreamsssss? I want to open a sssssseafood ressssstaurant where we would sssssell ssssscallopsss, oysssstersss, bouillabaissssssse (which issss a kind of fish sssssoup)..."

Then people are laughing at my jokes, instead of my crippling sssssssssspeech impediment

"Stop Asking Your Friends What to Text Her"

Your buddy Dave has been single for three years and thinks "hey u up" is a valid strategy. Your other buddy Mike just got dumped and told you to "just be yourself."

You showed them her text. You asked them to decode the emoji. You drafted four responses and sent the screenshot to the group chat for a vote.

She's been waiting forty minutes.

Put the phone down. Stop crowdsourcing your love life. Type something that sounds like you. Hit send. Then go do literally anything else with your evening.