Backed down from moving in together and she hates my guts

[h_amati]

So, I've dated this 40 y.o. for over a year now, she's divorced with no kids. We have our ups and downs but stick together. We talk about living together and she starts having crazy expectations about money and that I will take care of all her needs (she works BTW but is heavily in credit card debt). I start having doubts.

So she calls it off one time and is extremely frustrated and stops talking to me for a couple of days (she is always comparing the relationship to others) but we continue seeing each other. After a couple of weeks we resume our living together plans but have endless arguments and drama (many of which she causes). One morning she calls and says we are not as happy as other couples that move in together and drama ensues. I tell her we should not keep going with our plans if she sees things that way. She goes crazy and again stops talking for a couple of days.

She's feeling depressed and starts going to group therapy and a psychiatrist who tells her she needs medication and has a lot of resentment. She starts blaming me for everything.

Friday we go and have dinner and she gets drunk and yells and insults me. She says I'm too comfortable and that I need to win her and that we should no longer sleep together until I make an effort.

So I dump her. I know I did the right thing and feel horrible about it, I've always been dumped by women.

I told her we should talk and she's very hurt. I feel I lost something very valuable and could have played it differently

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

I feel I lost something very valuable...

Valuable in what ways exactly?

 

[h_amati]

She didn't see it coming and said we should talk in a loving way. I denied her any kind of talk and said I wouldn't stand her being drunk and aggressive and that we should end it. She replied I shouldn't be with her if I find her so terrible.

She admitted her faults and explained herself and thought we would continue, that's why I feel so bad. But I just could not get over the "you are not staying at my place to sleep anymore", that's why I ended it.

Now she feels terribly offended because I said she is an alcoholic.

 

[WanderingMan]

Sounds like she has insecurity - self esteem issues.

Don't beat yourself up over it. No matter what they say, girls like this will only totally commit and act somewhat sane for a guy that in turn treats them like garbage. If you're an overall "good guy", you're fighting a lose/lose situation.

 

[G_Govan]

Nothing to feel bad about, really. You made your point as clear as can be, she decided to keep pushing until you had enough.

This is what being a man is all about. If you don't keep your word no one, especially women, will respect you.

Some women require discipline like children, but at that age it's a lost cause. Let her go find some doormat that won't mind taking her abuse.

 

[blind_one]

You did the right thin man. Don't beat yourself about it. Point being you already know that. It won't be easy at first, it never is, but its for the better.

 

[h_amati]

Now she's calling me to tell me she's sorry, that she's going to therapy to resolve her anger, the drinking issues and that her expectations are indeed not reasonable.

She wants us to think things over for a couple of weeks and on this "break" she says we should respect each other as a couple, meaning we should not see other people.

What do think?. Is it her hurt ego talking or is she for real?

 

[G_Govan]

How long do you think these changes are going to last?

This is how the game is played. She wants something from you and in order to get it she's going to now be on her best behavior.

If you want to give her a chance, go ahead, but don't put yourself in a compromising position where you will suffer financially/emotionally because you conceded to her wishes.

Tell her things can continue, but only on YOUR terms. Tell her you can't give her a time table on when you'd be comfortable moving in together. You take as long as you like.

 

[VladPatton]

Bro, she's a 40 year old child that is seeing therapists and psychiatrists. Her world is governed by mood swings, drama, and arguing. You honestly see a future with this woman? If you do, you are the one who needs that fûckin psychiatrist. The fûck are you thinking??? When you dumped her, the universe opened up and drops of clarity rained on you and you made the best decision in the world. You had enough, and your alpha male nature stopped the madness. Don't suppress that.

Stop this regret, man up, and find yourself a sweet, kind, loving woman you're proud to go out in public with. Cut all ties and contact with this psycho ASAP and gain your self respect back. And fûck what other couples are doing, that's not your life. Good luck, man.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

It's great that she's going to get help for her problems, but like most people who make New Years resolutions to get in better shape or lose weight, by the time February comes around it's a distant memory.

Talk is cheap. Let's see if she stays committed to this plan of self-improvement 1 year from now. Get back to us then.

 

[YawataNoKami]

Palimony