Back For A While, Ex Messed Up My Mindframe

[Chromeo]

First off I want to say this forum is such a great place. Not many men know other men with which we can have these discussions. Personally I have maybe 2 or 3 guys that I can ask for advice, but there's never much of a discussion. Most married men I know were married by the time they were 22 and do not really have a concept for dating in their 20's. A lot of requests for advice are replied to with "ya, women are tough" or "screw it, get another girl". So kudos to everyone who contributes here. I haven't made a post here in around 5 years. It's funny to look back at my old posts and see how I used to write. This place really got my head straight before, I was in an amazing place for a long while, but truth be told I have fallen back a bit and need a mental reboot. This place was so helpful before, so I think I'll be back for a little while.

Hopefully some of you will read this and feel better knowing that we all have ups and downs and everything can always be turned around for better or worse.

I stopped posting here because I felt great. Was having fun, working for myself, on myself, feeling great about myself, dating girls, not looking for anything, not closed off to anything, had a lot of great experiences. Eventually met this beautiful girl, she was goofy, kind hearted, talented singer/actress and we just clicked. We really liked each other, I felt no need to pursue her or act any certain way, she let me be myself. We dated for about 5 months before she started dropping hints about wanting more so we made the jump. Pretty quickly after that, things when down hill. Having and great girlfriend, and already feeling great I was on a huge high. I'm talkin bounce in my step, winking at the girl at the cash register high. This made my gf start to become insecure and get clingy. Calling me multiple times a day while I'm trying to work, wanting to see me everyday, eventually telling me she loved me, disappointed when I didn't say it back then proceeding to pressure me into it. Needless to say I withdrew. She started to accuse me of liking other girls, then cheating, and eventually broke up with me. Being in a great mind set I pretty much didn't care about the breakup and she continually tried to get in contact with me saying she made a mistake. When eventually I allowed us to get together and talk about it, (I assumed we would get back together, I really liked this girl) I was met with a "I dont think we are ready for a relationship but I dont want to stop dating you". It came as a surprise, but I thought to myself, If I hurt this girl this bad, she must have really liked me, I really liked her, I guess I was holding back, I'll try harder.

Long story short, we continued dating for another year, me trying to give her more of myself, telling her I loved her (I did). But she refused to say we were back together. She said she loved me, doesn't want to be with anyone else but didn't want to emotionally invest in a relationship with her trying to get her singing and acting career together. But I had my suspicions. This caused fights and eventually made her treat me terribly, spending time with her friends more than me, making plans without me ect. Eventually, reluctantly I said enough was enough. She maintained that she wanted me in her life, but we kept fighting and eventually us not wanting to talk for a while. Just when I started to think we could be cool and I was getting over it, started hearing things from mutual friends that confirmed my submissions. I've been in a hole for about 8 months and kinda just got re-heartbroken. I really wanted to be cool with this person and now I'm not sure I can.

So I've found myself back here, I've always found that you can help yourself most by helping others and sharing experiences.


If this person was trying to make amends with you and you found out they had been lying in the past, would you forgive and forget not bring it up? bring it up? not talk to them again? Tell them to not contact you again?

 

[BrainDamage92]

Yo man you broke her heart.

Letting your girl know you can replace her in a flick of a switch can be done much more subtly, hell you can have a mistress on the side and play it all cool, she will know there is SOMETHING, but will never be sure.

But this is what **** like winking at the cash register girl and replying to "I love you" with "I know" does. Dont be brutal like this man. Be subtle. If other women like you, she will know it dont worry.

I think you didnt love her at all. And this wasn't a great mindset in my book. This is mindset that probably works for opening up to girls but dude... Real people know right from wrong. I think a good mindset is not giving a fvck what others think\say\do, but still you must always be weary of your own words\actions and always be your only and harshest judge...

Anyway, plenty of fish in the sea. But stil... dude, either you were an ass with her for no reason, or youre not telling the whole story. I think you shoudve stopped after the first break up...

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

You took her for granted I guess. It's alright. I've had one of those highs before. It's pretty awesome. The bet you can do is not think about it at all. Try to avoid her. If she tries to contact you, be polite and tell her not to contact you cuz you need to get your head straight again. This is where I believe that the generic advice of no contact is alright. Try to bring yourself back to becoming the person you were when you didn't need this place by forgetting about her. If she tries to contact you, tell her politely not to contact you because you need to get your head straight again. Say that you'll contact her when YOU are ready. If she contacts you again, block her on everything you can think of and then when you are ready, unblock her.

Stay strong man. This is just a downer.

 

[Oxide]

Your story reads all ****ed up, and you're leaving parts out. Were you drunk posting?

How about explaining in simple words what it is you're trying to ask?

 

[Chromeo]

I was actually a little bit lit on caffein haha

Of course there are specifics I'm leaving out, but not to suede opinion just to keep the post short.


Basically I was in a great place in my life and mentality, met a girl I liked, it progressed to her wanting a relationship, she fell in love with me before I fell in love with her and she became insecure, clingy and broke up with me. BrainDamage92 I did fall in love with her. I never thought we would stay broken up. When she told me she didn't want to get back together but wanted to still date, It made me the pursuer and messed up where I was at.

Now, I see this girl fairly often when I'm out, We haven't talked in several months. Was just just getting to the point where I was cool with it, she had contacted me a few days ago to say hello. But then a mutual friend told me a few things that she seemingly hid when we were still dating but not together, and Im kind of mad about it and don't really know I want to talk to her now.

Half of me wants to tell her dont ever talk to me again the next time she hits me up the other half just wants to say "water under the bridge".

 

[Oxide]

I was actually a little bit lit on caffein haha

Of course there are specifics I'm leaving out, but not to suede opinion just to keep the post short.


Basically I was in a great place in my life and mentality, met a girl I liked, it progressed to her wanting a relationship, she fell in love with me before I fell in love with her and she became insecure, clingy and broke up with me. BrainDamage92 I did fall in love with her. I never thought we would stay broken up. When she told me she didn't want to get back together but wanted to still date, It made me the pursuer and messed up where I was at.

Now, I see this girl fairly often when I'm out, We haven't talked in several months. Was just just getting to the point where I was cool with it, she had contacted me a few days ago to say hello. But then a mutual friend told me a few things that she seemingly hid when we were still dating but not together, and Im kind of mad about it and don't really know I want to talk to her now.

Half of me wants to tell her dont ever talk to me again the next time she hits me up the other half just wants to say "water under the bridge".

I am in the exactly same position where my ex hit me up 2 days ago out of the blue just as I was putting her on the "no fvcks given" shelf. My take on it is she wants me, or something from me. Like, she can't find a good bf and now misses me... well, I know she had bfs after me, so me being a back up plan again, I don't think I like that. I also realize there is a reason why we're not together - and that's because I don't care enough for her. I care for her more than any girl before her, but not enough to make her my wife. If she hid stuff (cheating? how serious?) then of course that's a strike. Her saying she wants to date but "not get back together" is strange too - so she wanted to be friends w benefits to see how it goes and if she develops feelings? What if some other guy came along?

 

[Chromeo]

If she hid stuff (cheating? how serious?) then of course that's a strike.

She didn't hide anything while we were in a relationship only after she downgrade us to just "dating/Fbuddies" whatever. Hanging out with other guys, telling me I was being ridiculous when calling her out on bad behavior.

Her saying she wants to date but "not get back together" is strange too - so she wanted to be friends w benefits to see how it goes and if she develops feelings? What if some other guy came along?

This is what drove me nuts. When we first broke up I felt that maybe I was being little rambunctious, and insensitive to a new relationship. She thought I looked at other woman too much and the following points

- Went on a island trip for a video project with myself and 2 couples, she texted me one night asking what I was doing (bad service on an island so was slow to respond), told her me and the girls were getting drunk cuz their husbands dont drink and thank god I had someone to have a good time with after working all day

- Had a issue with my then female roommate that caused her (my roommate) to not talk to me for weeks, it was really bugging me and I discussed it a few to many times with my ex which lead her to believe I had a crush on my roommate

- Saw a naked picture in my phone and I tried to hide it instead of coming outright and saying it was my ex before her, she sent it to me to try and make me jealous when I told her I didnt want to see her because I was dating someone new I really liked. Why I saved it? idk.. cuz b00bs.

- I didnt say "I love you" back the first time she said it to me. She was out with other people, drinking, i figured she was joking, but she brought it up the next day and I proceeded to feel pressured into saying it. Eventually I did tell her I loved her but she seemed to take it with a grain of salt.

When she broke up with me I thought "oh geez here we go, whatever, shes being a girl, she loves me, I love her, we'll be back". When we talked and she hit me with, "we're not ready for a relationship but should still see each other." I was super confused, also hurt. I thought maybe some of this was my fault, which I confessed to her, told her I understood how she was hurt and that I would do better but she was stead fast. Figuring it was definitely over, of course I want and slept with that ex who sent me the pic to try and get over it.

My new ex continued to hit me up to hang out, so I went along with it. I tried to prove to her that I really wanted to be with her and maybe toned down some of my personality that she actually liked me for. Eventually we were getting better then a few months later asked me If I had slept with anyone else after we broke up. I lied, told her no, I didnt want to hurt her feelings because of some meaningless "get over a breakup" sex. But the truth came out and she was again hurt.

After that much of the same CONTINUED, her saying she loved me, was only dating me, calling me dailly, hanging out, sex, could see herself marrying me, but when I would bring up us being "together" I'd get the same response of "I just dont want a boyfriend right now and I cant risk getting hurt again". But the way she was treating me wasn't the same, not inviting me out, excluding me from plans, just treating me less and less. Even after I told her I couldn't deal with it anymore and we should go our separate ways, she didnt want that and wouldnt leave me alone.

I actually ended up in the hospital after that day over the stress of having to tell her that. Thought I needed my appendix out the pain was so bad, docs found nothing wrong with me. This coming from a dude who has set his own broken bones and said "it's fine".

So to recap:
I was ****y suave dude, had a girl fall for me, continued my suaveness maybe a little to insensitive, got dumped, felt like it was half my fault, worked to fix, made some mistakes, was on and off, got treated worse, broke if off, had a few connections even after that, just started to get over it, was contacted by her again, then found out she had hidden stuff while we were on and off, still care about her, wish we could be cool, feel like it was half my fault, but angry.

Feel like I was mistakenly insensitive and she was maliciously insensitive and dont know if I want to be cool with that.