Awkward relationship

[Huffman]

Howdy,

there's this girl I recently entered a relationship with. But the whole thing is kind of awkward.
She's kind of silent around me, she lets me touch her, but she always seems kind of depressed. Of course, I'm having a little difficulty finding conversation topics.
This is also partly my fault... I would never have thought it, but I've been kind of nervous about touching her (claiming her)! Right now I'm completely relaxed with everybody else but her... dang.

For better understanding of our situation, read the post below about how we met.

Current situation: A-W-K-W-A-R-D! Not fun! The whole thing should be fun, otherwise it's pointless. Only when at a party she reacts to me. Only when I have heavy social proof going (little flirting with other girls).
The next morning, we're like strangers.

Thing is, we see each other quite often. She always wants to "come over and do something". I'm not superman, so it isn't always incredibly fun. I feel like we should get the fun going before I can be less available.
At times she's so passive and submissive that I'm dumbfounded as what to do with her. Awkward for the both of us.

I mean, it IS partly my fault. Because of her passiveness, I feel kind of insecure about all those kino things. I really should be less sensitive and just grab her, be the man!

Now I'm not the type to run after a girl too much and I'm normally not that available. However, I'm overburdened with this situation. It can't go on like this.

I think I should directly confront her about it. Ask what's depressing her so much. Tell her that it isn't easy for me if she continues like that - and that I'm not in for this **** if she does. I hate relationship talk, but well.

What do you think? How do I get that fun back? I'm not breaking off - not yet.

P.S.: please spare me your oneitis lectures. I'm not madly in love with her, but I really wanted to try this. She's a quality girl... at least usually.
P.P.S.: she's not playing games with me. At least not consciously. She's not the type for that. She's 20, and had been in a relationship for 3 years prior to now (important point).

 

[Huffman]

How we met:
We live in the same neighborhood, and there is this bar that hosts nice parties once a week. We had been joking and flirting around for a couple of months, with myself not beeing too interested at first, and playing a little game afterwards.
We went on a couple of dates, the atmosphere was light and we had fun.

However, when I tried to close her she admitted she had a boyfriend and appeared very torn-up about the situation. Of course I was kind of frustrated about it and instantly dropped her (please spare me your boyfriend destroyer talk).

Some months later, a week ago actually, she comes hitting on me like insane (at the bar). One of her friends, who also likes me, tells me she's single again.

Now it all seems clear to me. I'm like "don't know why I shouldnt" and we set up a movie date (which she suggested!). Obviously (she must have seen it coming), I tried the close again. After a long pause, she says she needs more time.

At this time, I'm outraged: This girl doesn't know what she wants! **** that! I didn't explicitely break the whole thing off, however.
Some days later, we're at a party (although we did go there individually, not together). Everybody's drinking.
I'm talking to some girl-friends of mine. She sees it and - WHAM - she comes hitting on me like mad. We're having fun. We're going home and watch a movie. She's all over me. I do the close. (She has submitted to me. She is now mine! Or not?)

I give her another chance. A few days later, we're at a flea market. However, everything is back to how it was. Awkward. AWKWARD! She's not too responsive. I occasionally use kino on her. She doesn't pull away, but doesn't seem like she enjoys it. She seems depressed about something.
A ****ing AWKWARD date!
This was today.

 

[Technical1]

However, when I tried to close her she admitted she had a boyfriend and appeared very torn-up about the situation. Of course I was kind of frustrated about it and instantly dropped her (please spare me your boyfriend destroyer talk).

I tried the close again. After a long pause, she says she needs more time.
.....

is back to how it was. Awkward. AWKWARD! She's not too responsive. I occasionally use kino on her. She doesn't pull away, but doesn't seem like she enjoys it. She seems depressed about something.
A ****ing AWKWARD date!
This was today.

Awkward can mean two things in my experience:

1. Her head is somewhere else, i.e still recovering from her past relationship. This is the most likely option. She isnt with you in the moment. She isnt feeling you.

2. She *really* likes you and has difficulty dealing with how much she likes you/you turn her on. She is being an AFC around you, essentially.

So basically there are two types of awkward, "I'm not really feeling you but I'm doing this anyway because I have nothing better" type awkward, and looking-at-the-ground/turning-red/breathing-heavily awkward, which is her getting overexcited about being with you. Because she wont fvck you, the answer is 1.

This is a classic case of low IL (as I see it), hence her "mixed messages", as Rollo Tomassi explained, girls dont send mixed messages to guys they really like.

Good luck!

P.S. I just reread the OP and caught this:

Only when at a party she reacts to me. Only when I have heavy social proof going (little flirting with other girls).
The next morning, we're like strangers.

This is a really, really, really bad sign. Maybe someone more articulate and experienced can address this point, about why this is so bad. Basically it means you're an ego-tool for her and not a person she genuinely likes. Thats how I read it.

 

[In Motion]

I had the same problem with another girl, before we got together she was flirty, fun and very happy. The second we 'got together': Awkwardville.

I ended up dumping her ass, it just got too stupid. I never figured out why this happened, but neither am I going to spend my time worrying about it. There are lots of fish in the sea and they are all waiting to bite on my hook.

PS: If all goes to hell, would you do me a favor? Just simply ask her WHY, when you have had enough.

 

[Huffman]

Thanks, I'll write more tomorrow, but - actually - it is her who initiated the whole thing. I'm gonna make that clear to her. I'm not going to be the AFC who blames only himself.

Guess I'll ask a good friend of hers (and of mine) in advance. I'm sure she'll bring things into perspective.
Initially, I didn't want to do such a talk. All that pressure often backfires. But I think I must call her on her ****.

 

[In Motion]

Sounds good, you're doing the right thing instead of letting it dwell!

 

[Technical1]

Initially, I didn't want to do such a talk. All that pressure often backfires. But I think I must call her on her ****.

Go for it. But the talk itself won't raise her interest level, its even very much to expect that it could make clear to you why her IL is low. You probably just don't get her that excited. Yes, even though she initiated and even though she flirted with you. She still might not be that interested. Girls can use relationships as a lot of things– an ego boost, to prove their own worth to themselves, a trophy guy to show they can still attract men...

The guys on this board say listen to a girl's actions, not her words. This girl has already clearly expressed to you that she has low IL. She had a chance to get with you several times, and didn't. Therefore, low IL. Typically guys who really want a relationship to work, either because they like the girl alot or don't have any other options open, will try turning low IL girls into high IL. The advice typically given is create more options for yourself, or spin more plates. Because in my experience and from what guys have shared on this board, changing a girl from low IL to high IL is nearly impossible.

 

[Huffman]

Here comes the epilogue. Thanks for your interest in my little story, which is about to end right now

So we had our talk yesterday. Unsurprisingly, we broke the whole thing off.
She said she's having so much chaos in her life that there's no place for anybody right now... damn I'm sure most of us have heard this one before.
She also said she had "projected many things into me that I'm not in reality". => In reality I wasn't as interesting as she thought as first. Dang.
As to WHY she begun all of it? She said she didn't (and still doesn't) know what she wants (wow, honesty). She just let it happen, "against better judgement".
****. The whole relationship thingy just turned her interest upside-down. Even though she had suggested it.

All is fine... except for that lousy self-conscious "i'm-not-good-enough-feeling". Yeah, maybe I failed some sh!t test or another. Who cares, I don't need to make myself feel worse right now, do I.
I really should know better.
I didn't think I could be thrown off balance so hard by so little anymore. After all, she didn't deserve me. Did she?

Actually, I can understand her position. This is what makes it so hard. What's more, before our talk, her friend told me that I mean really really much to her. Now what's that supposed to mean!? It rather sounds like a blatant lie to console me. A slap in the face.

I need not say more, for you all have gone through it. By writing down my story and bringing out my anger, I try to cut this short, forget her, and make a quick recovery. It wasn't that big a deal, was it?

What really gets to me though is that "could-i-have-made-it-work?"-feeling. "Failing" and not being able to do something about it.
The inner AFC is ever so persistant.

I've become way too dependant. For the next time, I'll be reinventing myself, rediscovering the fun in my life.