At what point is therapy needed to overcome poor social skills?

[Scion]

In the past I've blamed women for me being unsuccessful with them. They were either too shallow (although I am good looking and in good shape), too focused on how much money a guy has, etc, etc. But now I'm starting to realize that I have poor social skills. Mostly around new people though, I'm perfectly normal around people I've had some previous interaction with. I have a hard time making new friends, and especially approaching and talking to new girls.

I don't know how to fix this, maybe all it will take is me constantly pushing myself out of my comfort zone (which I have done, helped with talking to new people but I still can't approach women consistently). Maybe I need therapy or some other form of professional help. Unfortunately I don't really have the money for that, I'd need to give up the thought of getting this new car I want. What do you guys think?

 

[TheHumanist]

You know that's an interesting question that I never seen answered here before. Before, I have read here that therapy is Bull as all they do is extract as much money as possible (though couples therapy is without doubt). Then there are people who are really troubled, they are recommended to seek professional help. Which therapy is good and not BS and at what point are they needed?

Though in your context, you probably just need more experience rather than professional help. Though I'm wondering at what point professional help become needed and useful.

 

[pipe007]

Hey scion
I am a graduate studen in clinical psychology, and I can give you a few pointers.

for the description in your post, I dont think you suffer from social phobia, or any anxiety disorders, but I might be wrong

however if you are saying that you are comfortable once you get to know people, then you may have a situation specific anxiety, meaning when you just meeting a new person.

I would recommend seeking a therapist who knows about CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy) that would help

as far as not having enough income. Try finding a local University that has a doctoral program for psychology, they usually have a clinic where practicing students treat patients for a lower fee, Its a really low fee, since this is a place mainly for psychology students to get their clinical hours for course requirements.

to answer the question of when does seeking therapy becomes a necessity
- that is a subjective question, and it depends on a matter of degree of personal dysfunction

meaning, if you feel you are suffering from a mental disorder to the degree that it is impairing you ability to socialize, date, work, and study... then you have a problem, and you need to seek help, because for obvious reasons it is distressing for you, and you want to make positive changes. there are people out there who could be classified as meeting criteria for a mental disorder. however, they are ok with themselves, and they can live happily with it, so its not considered a disorder, it must be a subjective feeling of intense distress and dysfunction where you cannot interact with the environment any more, or you cannot deal with the negative emotions inside yourself.

so its distressing for you, and it creates dysfunction in different areas of life.

- other people who are encouraged or forced to seek therapy are those who are a danger to themselves or others (homicide, suicide ideation, plan or intent.)

- finally, if behavior is perceived to be abnormal, meaning, not comforming with society and that individual's culture. then it can be different to the point where it is perceived to be pathological or abnormal. unsual, eccentric.

you need a combination of behavior who does not conform with society, plus a subjective inner experience of distress which leads to dysfunction in different areas of life to be considered candidate to seek therapy.
these are the type of clients who are suited for therapy.

therapy is good for those who want to make a change, willingly, it always helps you get to understand the inner workings of your personality and how they are affecting your current behaviors and situations.

 

[stayfly]

some excellent advice above and therapy should definitely be considered.

If you decide to improve by yourself improving your beliefs and strategy.

What would you need to belief to be able to have enjoyable interactions with new people? what would you need to do to make new friends easily?

what ways could you practice getting really good at social interactions and making new friends? how could you practice a LOT to multiply your experience and learning?

let me know your answers

 

[Scion]

The only thing that this is impairing is my ability to date (since the problem is basically that I can't approach and talk to women, especially women I'm attracted to). This does distress me because I want to date and have a normal life. It doesn't really affect other areas of my life. I didn't know what someone could do to help me.

 

[Maxtro]

I'm currently going through CBT. I got a refferal to a decent place and I only have to pay $25 per session. Considering it's easy to spend $100 or more, this is a great deal.

Personally I have terrible social skills and I do even poorer with women. That is connected to the fact that I have been depressed for a very long time and the way I process the world is wrong.

CBT has started to help me see the world in a different way. I've only been in sessions for a month so it's too soon to see what kind of progress I will make.

One thing though, is that I still haven't found out how to make friends and attract women. And yes there is correlation between being able to make friends and haveing girls like you.

 

[stayfly]

The only thing that this is impairing is my ability to date (since the problem is basically that I can't approach and talk to women, especially women I'm attracted to). This does distress me because I want to date and have a normal life. It doesn't really affect other areas of my life. I didn't know what someone could do to help me.

find ways to date without having to do cold approaches

ask friends to hook you up with friends they know that are single

meet girls at your work / school

meet girls through volunteer work

put a profile up on an online dating site

etc. etc.

cold approaching can be hard as fukk and is not always the best way to meet women. especially for certain people

 

[Scion]

find ways to date without having to do cold approaches

ask friends to hook you up with friends they know that are single

meet girls at your work / school

meet girls through volunteer work

put a profile up on an online dating site

etc. etc.

cold approaching can be hard as fukk and is not always the best way to meet women. especially for certain people

yeah I've tried meeting women other ways and while I have, they are usually few and far between. I have met a few girls through my guy friends but anytime I've ever asked one of the girls I hang out with to set me up with one of her friends she refuses.

Don't meet any women through my work that are interested in me, and I've tried to ask out a few girls I've liked at work (don't know what they don't like about me).

As for online I've given up on that, mostly filled with fat/ugly girls and attention *****s. Been out with 2 girls that contacted me first online but they didn't want to see me again after the first date (one gave me the run around til I gave up and the other straight up rejected me saying she found someone better).

So I'm pretty much just left with cold approaching. Although I won't discount the possibility that I'm just not desirable to women (would explain why I've only had first dates and nothing more). I do know that my confidence in my dating ability is shot, but what would you really expect when every girl I've made a move for had rejected me in some way. I try to stay as upbeat as possible to people I meet (ie I don't say anything I'm talking about here) but maybe my low confidence and self esteem are coming through.

And yeah, I know I'm a mess as a man.

 

[stayfly]

^^^^^

I definitely recommend you get a life coach or seek some type of therapy bro

 

[Scion]

Yeah, too bad that sh1t'll be expensive. Oh well, looks like no new car for me, maybe it'll be all for the best if I can improve my dating life (only part of my life that I'm extremely dissatisfied with and haven't has success improving).

 

[kingsam]

scion
this book is dirt cheap and may help you out
"People skills for young adults"

http://www.amazon.co.uk/People-Skills-Young-Adults-Marianna/dp/1853027162/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1270472262&sr=8-1

 

[Schwank]

No social skills means you don't form many friendships (if any). No friendships lead to a life of isolation. Isolation leads to depression. Depression leads to despair. Despair leads you to brothels. Brothels lead you to feel even worse about yourself knowing you had to fork out money just for female companionship... Wash, rinse, repeat -- it's a nasty cycle.

So, I say if you still haven't gained social skills at your age, then perhaps therapy may do you the world of good. I know LOADS of average-looking dudes who get dates and have sex with cute girls solely because they're socially suave; they know the right things to say at the right time; and the know who's who. They live vibrant, active lives. They're not typing up posts on "pick-up" Sites because they're out there typing their phone numbers into girls' and guys' phones. They are networking, and they are happy.

Try therapy. You're not happy where you are now, so maybe spending some cash in the short term will allow you to feel better over the long term. Don't underestimate the importance of social skills; they're vital for a fulfilling life. Good luck, buddy.

(P.S. Don't start dating girls without having friends -- you'll fall BAD. And at the end of the relationship you'll probably post a thread titled "MY FIRST GF LEFT ME! I WANT TO DIE!".)

 

[stayfly]

Yeah, too bad that sh1t'll be expensive. Oh well, looks like no new car for me, maybe it'll be all for the best if I can improve my dating life (only part of my life that I'm extremely dissatisfied with and haven't has success improving).

just fo once a month to get started and it should be affordable

 

[Warrior74]

In the past I've blamed women for me being unsuccessful with them. They were either too shallow (although I am good looking and in good shape), too focused on how much money a guy has, etc, etc. But now I'm starting to realize that I have poor social skills. Mostly around new people though, I'm perfectly normal around people I've had some previous interaction with. I have a hard time making new friends, and especially approaching and talking to new girls.

I don't know how to fix this, maybe all it will take is me constantly pushing myself out of my comfort zone (which I have done, helped with talking to new people but I still can't approach women consistently). Maybe I need therapy or some other form of professional help. Unfortunately I don't really have the money for that, I'd need to give up the thought of getting this new car I want. What do you guys think?

I think it's taking a last resort as a first option.

I don't know how to fix this, maybe all it will take is me constantly pushing myself out of my comfort zone (which I have done, helped with talking to new people but I still can't approach women consistently)

You know exactly what to do but it's not easy and you want some easy way out. You have to be willing to fail, over and over, to achieve.