At what point is a girl being in contact with her ex a major red flag?

[gravityeyelids]

When I meet a girl who is either talking sh!t about an ex or if find out that she had major drama with him or that it was a destructive relationship I get really turned off of the idea of dating her. My reasoning is that if she is of low enough quality that she attracts and dates slimeballs and creates drama then it doesn't bode well for any potential relationship with her.

Is it possible a girl was just being a girl and was attracted to the ******* and he really was as bad as she says and that she can still be a quality girl worthy of dating me? If the guy is constantly hitting her up and trying to get ahold of her, can I contribute this to a beta a$$hole who can't move on from a girl and takes it out more aggressively than a nice guy would with a bad breakup? Am I being too picky and should I accept that even high quality girls get into bad relationships and drama?

Also, how important is it whether or not she is in contact with an ex and which form this contact takes? For instance. A girl I'm banging has mentioned that her ex is a total ass and won't leave her alone but she feels sorry for him because he had a really bad childhood so she finds it hard to simply ignore him. I should note that the guy in question is being very persistent in contacting her (emailing even after her blocking his number, showing up unannounced when he's in town, etc) however he is not being abusive or harming her physically or damaging her property or anything.

 

[gravityeyelids]

Not sure about their opinions of exes. I look at exes objectively to determine 1) the interests and 2) the character of a girl, but talking sh!t does not necessarily bug me.

Most women are in contact with their exes, the question is whether she will cut them off to earn your exclusivity. Contact with exes is, however, a slightly greater risk of her concurrently fvcking them than just contact with orbiters. Concurrent fvcking to me is a big red flag.

See yea that's the thing. The girl I'm sleeping with says how he keeps contacting her and she seems annoyed that he is, even going so far as to say that she cut him off all outlets but then he managed to email her and get in contact with her. She said how she feels sorry because he had a rough childhood and says how shes the only girl for him blah blah, says how pathetic he is and that she's over him. He even showed up knocking on her window when he was in town, but she "ended up" fvxking him. This was while we're sleeping together...i don't care if she bangs other guys as she knows I'm able to hookup with other girls..however the fact that she banged a damaged ex that she apparently was trying to get rid of is a bit annoying to me. Then again part of me wants to be like "well they dated for a while, and were a part of each other's lives so it's hard for that attraction to die". But if he shows up while I'm banging her I'm not taking a knife or losing teeth for a girl I'm not even dating..

Edit: said a few things twice because I'm losing track of the diff threads I'm on haha. But it's the same girl I'm talking about regardless

 

[gravityeyelids]

i wouldn't consider her for a LTR knowing she is sleeping around like that.

See that's true. But I'm fairly sure she's not around while I'm sleeping with her. She's deathly paranoid of STDs and pregnancy and had a STD scare lately. I know you're response would be "she's probably sleeping around, you beta b!tch", but just trust my DJ instinct on this. And for being such a sexy girl shes strangely modest and afraid of being percieved as a slvt. She slept with him because she had already and knew it was " safe".

 

[El Payaso]

I next girls that are still in contact with their ex. I don't need drama in my life.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Exes are always bad news. Heck, I've tried the whole "keep exes around as friends" thing and ended up banging them again before they started losing interest again.

The only time an ex should be around is if the girl had kids with them and is LEGALLY OBLIGATED to see him for the sake of the children. And even then, a mediator can be put in place to take the children to the ex so she never has contact with him. This is why it's important to do your due diligence on a chick BEFORE sleeping with her or making her the girlfriend. When she comes to you asking for a relationship, one of the first thing you should inquire about is if she's still in contact with any of her exes. If she says "yes," you tell her "eh, let's keep things the way they are." And you deny her the girlfriend title until she decides on her own to get rid of them.

 

[Desdinova]

When I meet a girl who is either talking sh!t about an ex or if find out that she had major drama with him or that it was a destructive relationship I get really turned off of the idea of dating her. My reasoning is that if she is of low enough quality that she attracts and dates slimeballs and creates drama then it doesn't bode well for any potential relationship with her.

The "slimeballs" generally possess personality traits that women find attractive. I don't fault women for being attracted to them nor dating them. However...

Is it possible a girl was just being a girl and was attracted to the ******* and he really was as bad as she says and that she can still be a quality girl worthy of dating me?

The problem here is that the woman has been permanently "damaged" by dating him. He has become highly significant in her life, and will likely remain significant for the rest of her life. Lots of men will take up the challenge of being "better" than her ex, but it's extremely difficult or nearly impossible to create the same emotional fluctuation that he has cause her, and continues to cause her even if he's absent from her life. Even if she cuts complete contact with him, she's still going to be thinking about him a lot. You cannot stop this from happening, and women usually can't help it from happening.

Read high score theory

The guy is at the top of her high score list and is still racking up the points. You're at the bottom.

 

[GS750]

I next girls that are still in contact with their ex. I don't need drama in my life.

I'm with ya. If it's a random "happy birthday" or "happy new year" text I'm alright with it. But regular or even semi-regular contact with an ex and I'm not considering anything other than a FB or FWB situation. The whole "I'm friends with all of my ex's" thing is nonsense. Move the fvck on with your life.

 

[zekko]

Exes don't bother me. I stay on friendly/civil terms with most of my exes.
However, if they hang out together, or if she is defensive about him saying something like "I will ALWAYS be friends with him", I would push the eject button

 

[Bible_Belt]

I'm not the jealous type. The only time I ever intervene is when the girl needs to hear the other guy's perspective. I had a gf whose ex asked her to shower and stay at her house when he was in town visiting his kid. I wasn't angry about it, just blunt.

"You know he thinks he's going to fvck you, right?"
what?
"When your ex invites you to stay at her house, that means she's dtf. That's what he's thinking"
oh? So I should come spend the night at your house then?
"Yes."

And then after she told him that she was spending the night with me and left a key for him, he never showed up. Obviously he didn't need a place to sleep that badly.

 

[logicallefty]

See yea that's the thing. The girl I'm sleeping with says how he keeps contacting her and she seems annoyed that he is, even going so far as to say that she cut him off all outlets but then he managed to email her and get in contact with her.

I see no reason for a woman in a LTR to stay in contact with any ex unless they have kids together. But they ALL do. Every single one. I have yet to meet one that didn't have at least 2 exes close at hand for validation.

The woman I very recently started seeing is doing the same thing, keeps telling me about getting calls, texts, and seeing her exes in public. I used one of my classic ex lines a couple nights ago on her, actually: "Sounds like a decent guy to me. Shoot, if you and I don't make it he could come be by new wingman and we can go get some chicks!". Her reply was "Bullsh|t we are going to make it!!!"

Then she was bragging about another ex being a cop (who I do know but not all that well).. Bragging as if I was supposed to bow by hearing his name because he is a cop.. I finally stopped her and said "You do remember that I am a cop too, and I have known CopEx for many years. Dropping his name to me is not necessary"

Another one I have done in the past is "My exes contact me all the time too, I just ignore them, which is what you should do".

Ahhh, the tales and trials we all go through lol

 

[YawataNoKami]

I do believe that out of respect, friendships with exes should be severed. There should be a healthy distance and mutual respect for each other and an agreement to focus on your new lives. Anything less is stupidity and asking for trouble. People try to rationalize their friendships too much and are afraid of the unknown and bringing new things and people in. It doesn't mean ruining the good memories with negativity. You simply have to be ready to let go and fling yourself and life arms wide open. It's living passionately, all or nothing. Anything that doesn't push you forward, pushes you backward. Anything that stays still and unevolving is a negative. Evolution and learning is the spark of all friendships. Ignorance is failure.

 

[WanderingMan]

Some good points made in this thread. In my world it's case by case. While firmly believing that communication lines should be staying open between you and your gf, I will stand back, observe, and see how she handles her exes. If I need to to intervene, give some advice or guidance then I do. But i dont believe this is a one size fits all scenario. There is some gray, and there are some instances where she will still be in contact with an ex.

As a rational man, you need to know when it is a time to step in and intervene, and when it is a time to pull the ripcord and eject.

Every woman will have exes. How she handles them, and how she feels about them, and how she deals with them, will tell you a lot about what kind of person she is.