At what point do you start asking about her past?

[Infamous J]

I've been seeing this chick for over 2 months now. We've gone out a few times, we hit it off immediately, have a ton in common, and always have fun together.

I've kept the conversation focused on her most of the time, and have been able to keep most things about me a mystery. We haven't touched on past relationships at all, and she's only danced around the "what are you looking for?" question.

Now that we're past that two month mark I'm starting to want to know about her past. Not because I'm worried about it, just because I want to know what sort of history I'm dealing with here, what sort of relationships she's had in the past, etc.

How would you recommend approaching this? Is it even a good idea to bring it up? Too soon? Any other tips are appreciated.

 

[Bible_Belt]

she's only danced around the "what are you looking for?" question.

I can see why. That is a very awkward way of putting her on the spot. You should not do that with her or any girl. If she wants you to know the answer to that question, she will tell you. Usually, she does not know the answer herself, which is why asking her makes it very awkward and uncomfortable. Stop asking pointed questions like that, and she will appreciate it. Words mean next to nothing anyway, so such a conversation is a futile endeavor.

Why does her past matter? It is important in a relationship to not pass judgment on the other person, or at least keep it to yourself if that is what you are thinking. Everybody has made mistakes in past relationships, and she is afraid of you judging her on those mistakes. And honestly, I think she's very well justified. You should not want to know. If she has issues, they will show up in her behavior. Interrogating her about her exes is counterproductive. She will tell you much more in time as she gains your trust than she will in answer to pointed questions now. Don't ask about her past; it will get you nowhere.

 

[AAAgent]

If she wants to tell you about her past that's fine but other than that its none of your business. The past is already gone and you can't doing anything to change it but what you do have control over is the present and the future.

 

[Igetit!]

Yeah,I agree with Bible Belt. I don't understand why you'd want to know about her past if you two are only dating. Now if you were planning on proposing to her at some point,and you two have plans to walk down the aisle,then ok,I can see where your coming from. If you are going to be bonded to someone until death do you part,then yeah,you better find out about her past. I'd hire a private detector to dig up everything he could find on the girl. Former relationships,past run-ins with the law,credit history,the whole sha-bang. But if it's just a standard date for a little while,breakup,then meet someone else,then just leave the past in the past.

 

[Warrior74]

Now that we're past that two month mark I'm starting to want to know about her past. Not because I'm worried about it, just because I want to know what sort of history I'm dealing with here, what sort of relationships she's had in the past, etc

That is worrying about it. Why do you want to know? Are you spinning plates? Is she more than just a plate? Are you starting to catch feelings for this girl? Are you starting to want more out of the relationship? Or are you seeing red flags? Help me understand your motivation for suddenly wanting to know.

You should've gotten her life story in the first couple of months. Ask her about her life, where she grew up, went to school that sort of thing...usually they just spill it then about past relationships....

 

[Infamous J]

For clarification, she's asked me the "what are you looking for" questions, I've never asked her, nor would I. It's a qualifying question imo which is why I would never ask it.

The reason I'm starting to wonder about her past is because I think she has LTR potential, and if there's anything I could get caught up on I'd rather find out sooner than later.

Bible, about questions about her exes being counter-productive, why do you feel this is? Is it the equivelant of taking a trip to "negative town", which is never a good idea? Does it come off as insecure? Both and then some?

 

[Infamous J]

You should've gotten her life story in the first couple of months. Ask her about her life, where she grew up, went to school that sort of thing...usually they just spill it then about past relationships....

Yep I've gotten the whole life story, grew up here, moved there, went to school here, traveled there, etc etc. Nowhere in the entire shpeel did I get anything about a single ex though.

In fact the most I've really gotten from her regarding exes is "I'm really cautious with who I date", but then again I've never asked, nor have I offered up any info on my past relationships.

 

[Warrior74]

2 months and your considering a LTR? How many other plates are you spinning?

I think it is a road to "negative town" to ask about exes. If some girl who things have been going great suddenly out the blue askes me about my exes, it would probably throw up a red flag for me. I would want to know why she wants to know.

Just look for red flags in how she treats you and go from there. Trust me if she is a lying cheating skank I don't think she will go out of her way to let you know.

But if you have to satisfy your curiosity, start a conversation about relationships in general and then work it towards her specific history. Talk about good times and bad times and see if she reciprocates with stories of her own. Lead her to it without being direct.