at a confused stage with girlfriend

[pipe007]

So I have been dating my girlfriend for a year now, and I'm now thinking "is this the girl I want to keep in the long run?"...

granted.. she is happy, she is looking into the future making plans. She always wants to see me, have sex... she keeps telling me that she sees me in her future (getting married)

The problem is...I know I love her, but I dont think im in love with her, im not attracted to her anymore... she came over this weekend, and I didn't feel like having sex... (she has gained weight)

In addition, Im more passive relaxed type of guy, and she is more adventurous likes to try new things, eat different places, make plans... wants me to make plans.. she makes plans... I make some plans.... but sometimes she complains that I dont do enough plans (to go out , new places)... and I have changed a lot, but I feel I dont want to be like her... I dont like to be planing to go to a different place every time.... or maybe im just not motivated to do so with her anymore

in addition to this is her attitude... she is not a very submissive type... and this is getting to me... she does like to ask for favors and she can sound demanding, bossy, at times.... i barely ask her for anything as I Can do things myself, but I feel that she wants me to be supportive a lot of times and to do things for her to show that I care.... like do little favors for her, bring her lunch, etc.

I feel that lately she asks me to do several "little favors" and they are small for her, and its annoying me... the few times I ve asked for favors in some cases she has resisted a bit...ive mentioned this before , so its gotten better...

when I don't do things her way she becomes moody and upset for some time, now I just learned to ignore it until she comes back to her senses and becomes nice and affectionate again, which she does..


the things is that lately ive seen behavior change.. at first I knew she wasnt submisive type and she considers herself to be a feminist... however, she would be very girly with me and very affectionate and stuff so it didnt bother me... but now she subtly I can see that she doesn't like to be told what to do...

Im starting to see masculine energy in the way she talks and carries herself which is making me more turned off... and we have had some power arguments ... she likes to control a lot, and I of course resist it every time ....

I thought that I needed in my life a girl who was strong and independent who at the same time can love me intensely and value me as a man..... and she is this person.. however, I have grown as a man, and I feel I need a girl who has more feminine energy who can be more of service

for instance she is good at asking me to make something for her (small, like serve yogurt, or buy her fruit salad), but in 1 year together, she has never cooked for me,,,, only once, and that is because I asked her to....

is this the norm now a days? are girls just not of service, caring for their man? of course I never cook for her, only once... its only fair... we dont live together.... the times we have gone on trips to NY.... she was very intense and she wanted to make lots of plans and wanted me to be on top of things, which really irritated me...

there was an incident were we went to BOston, and we were taking pictures, this man approaches us and takes picture of us.... he proceeds to ask us, "did you guys have lunch"? and my reaction was to say "dont worry we already ate"?, which we didnt yet..... so he goes, oh well, I am a Harvard profesor I was going to invite you guys to dinner with the students..... and he left

so to me it wasnt big deal we just had a the evening to spend together to see the city, so w.e, but my girlfriend was pisssssed .. "she said how dare me make a decision by myself without taking her into consideration, what was I thinking, we could have gone with the man and meet some harvard peeps...I didnt take her into consideration,,,, and she wen on and on until i told her to STFU!!!, or go with him if you want..." for the first time...

anyway she was upset for some hours and then she calmed down and acted like nothing happendd and was back to her affectionate self... and I was like "what is this???"

anyway last week we went to Hawaii on a week vacai...and we were going to pick up the car rental which I said I was in charge of, so I wanted to pick the car... we go there and I said that one! I like the small honda... and she goes... No!!, we are taking this one!!.... a small Fiat, which is economicall so I didnt mind, I signed it , but I was pissed....!@!!!!!! like if you followed the previous example youd understand why i was pissed.

anyway... we rented the car.. we went to see pearl harbor.. (had a great time) she was back to her affectionate self... happy and taking pics.. going back home... we didnt know where we would park the car in the hotel... but she was in charge of figuring that out, while she was driving (we took turns), she goes ahh call the guy from the hotel and ask him were to park,, call him,, send him an email ... (and i go, I dont have his number? what email?... she gives me her phone... I go you are in charge of this, you call him!....

and Im just upset at this point, and she goes ... "don't get sassy with me"... with an attitude face... and I just snaped at her at this point and told her I can talk to her this way if she is irritating me.... and she goes oh ok so now im going to stop the car and you figure out what you wanna do... so she parks the car... goes out and makes the phone call,,, and im in the car shaking my head..... thinking (if I was back home, id break up),, so i get out of the car start driving told her to get in the car... we drove to our hotel without talking... we head to the beach... we rent a surboard... she is smiling and being affectionate again telling me she loves me...

so here I am... I am starting to believe this girl is not my match, i am not happy.... even now when we make eye contact I have this bad gut feeling that she even tries to dominate with the eye contact,,, (like waiting for me to look away first)... IDK... its subtle things like that that im like I cant do this... but this girl loves me too much.... she wants to marry me...its been a year.. its not easy to end it...

on the good side, she can be caring, she does a lot of things for me ON HER TERMS!!... like she buys me clothes, will buy me lunch, but beccause she feels like doing it, not because I ask for it... I truly believe she will always be resistant if I firmly ask her to do something...

has anyone been in a similar situation... I feel attached to her .. .honestly... at the same time im not happy.. I'm 28, she is 29... I feel man, maybe im already 28, I should have a stable relationship.... but then I keep seeing girls out there, and I feel like dating other girls

 

[Bokanovsky]

So to sum up: she's unattractive, a feminist, too demanding, doesn't cook and has a bad attitude. Sounds like a typical North American woman these days. Should you break up with her? Hell yeah!

 

[samspade]

She is "taking charge" lately because your interest is waning and you no longer have the desire to be The Man. You're aware enough to realize this and that it's time to end things. Most men would continue backsliding to disastrous results. Your happiness is top priority; if you're unhappy you'll make her unhappy too. Time to call it a day.

 

[pipe007]

I think you hit the right answer Samspade, I believe im not motivated, and this is frustrating her because im being passive in the relationship and letting her do most of the planning, and I hate this feeling, I want to be the man for a girl Im attracted to at every level...

I just dont know how to leave, I am unhappy but attached, She is VERY invested, and it kinda sucks to break her world like that....

damn

 

[samspade]

I think you hit the right answer Samspade, I believe im not motivated, and this is frustrating her because im being passive in the relationship and letting her do most of the planning, and I hate this feeling, I want to be the man for a girl Im attracted to at every level...

I just dont know how to leave, I am unhappy but attached, She is VERY invested, and it kinda sucks to break her world like that....

damn

Well, that's the tough part and you'll have to steel yourself for it. It's going to hurt. Maybe she senses your passivity, but she'll still feel the sting of rejection. On the other hand, the more you put it off, the more it will eat at you. Your relationship will rot from the inside, and that is far, far worse.

You have to just accept that the two of you had a good ride but it's time to move on. Once you accept it 100% you will have an easier time not only saying it but sticking with it. Don't let tears or sex sway you.

And by the way at 28 there is no need to pressure yourself about "stable relationships." You've got one under your belt, and now you'll learn from it and go on to women that suit you better.

 

[Skyy.]

A year is not a very long time, she will move on. A word of warning, when you reenter the dating market, it's going to be rough. Generate options while you are planning your exit strategy. Neither you nor the GF owes each other anything.

 

[pipe007]

agreed!! im already on POF talking for some random girls... but no dates.. just talk... I guess im going to wait until her period shows up to prevent any manipulation (I'm pregnat) and move then make the decision... its going to be hard for her..

inspite of all of this, she is very caring and affectionate when she is doing good.... she just has problems regulating her emotions, and ive lost motivation and attraction...

 

[samspade]

pipe007, I may have missed it, but do you two live together?

Smart move to wait for the right time, but don't wait too long of course.

I'm sure she is caring and good, but just remember that if there is a vacuum of power the female will fill the void by default. They aren't comfortable doing that, but they will do it and eventually resent the man for it.

As for her emotions, most women don't regulate them - they embrace them and emote all over the place. It seems messed up to us, but in some ways I think women deal with shyt like breakups way better than guys do because of this.

 

[pipe007]

we do not live together... and i've learned that all women test and act nagging and ive hread them say they have to be on top of their men, so that things move forward...

seems to be the case, but i dont think im attracted physically and emotionally to her enough to put up with the inevitable female behavior for the rest of my life.. with her...

 

[Colossus]

i dont think im attracted physically and emotionally to her enough to put up with the inevitable female behavior for the rest of my life.. with her...

You just answered your own question. Stick a fork in it man, this one is DONE!!

Let me tell you, once you are downriver from this relationship a bit, you will see really clearly how miserable you were. Your description of her sounds eerily like my last LTR. Mine ended shortly after our second vacation together. Vacations are often make or break. You see her true colors, which are:

-Controlling
-Demanding
-Gaslighting (making her sh!tty behavior seem like your fault)
-Lack of attention to beauty (weight gain, no make up, etc)
-Guilt-tripping
-An utter lack of submission or any personal accountability
-No real feminine selling points (doesn't cook or think of you or support you in any way)

Investment makes breakups really hard, but it is not a contract. Neither of you are bound to each other. Get out before it rots from the inside and starts destroying the rest of your personal life. Also use this as a lesson on male leadership. Your passivity probably brought on some of her cvnty behaviors, but she also just sounds like a bad apple. With some girls you are just wasting your time on bad stock, and trying to lead will be a never-ending uphill battle. Dump them, and don't settle for that crap.

The good news is, you are 28, just coming into your prime, and she is 29, coming out of hers!!! Trololololol :crackup:

 

[expos]

put up with the inevitable female behavior for the rest of my life.. with her...

And you shouldn't put up with this. There are women out there who will treat you better and let you call the shots. The fact that you are letting her have her way...(ex: the Fiat) shows that the frame has been lost a little. She also got fat...which means she stopped working to impress you. Guys are big on sex/image/body, and she willingly quit on you because she has you by the nuts. Typical b*tch behavior. Women will work out like elite athletes when they want to seduce you, then shovel ice cream once they hit the "relationship" status. A good woman respects her body, and I know plenty of friends with women who still hit the gym with authority. Yours should not be an exception.

Expect her to get fatter each year.

Add to the fact you seem being turned off by your attitude...it seems like this relationship is going in the toilet.

You are on POF already? That means you just don't care about her, at all. You can't kid yourself of this.

It happened to me too. I went to Halloween party with my then wife a few years back and she was being a total brat. While at the party I got the urge to screw one of the women there who was staring at me. I don't know why because the girl wasn't as attractive as my then wife, but it was the first time I knew I was ready to check out. I was tired of her attitude.

Everybody has arguments in relationships. But after an argument, in your heart you feel something is terribly wrong and cannot see you two together in another two years, it's really time to deal with the tears and walk.

Be glad this was only a year relationship as opposed to a 5-10 year marriage - you'll be a lot better in the end.

 

[WoodB]

Sadly, though I am much older than you, I went through a similar relationship. It lasted 15 months. Yes, she was intelligent, talented, and good looking. HOWEVER, she always had an attitude, wanted to speed things up towards marriage, had a mouth that would cut people to shreds, and wanted things her way. Although she could cook well, she rarely did. She never even offered once to at least leave the tip at restaurants. She even told me she wasn't the nurturing type. Frankly, I did not like her personality one bit. The sex and her hot body kept me in the kill zone far too long. Looking back, I should have had my head examined for staying in the game too long.

 

[WoodB]

Let me add to my own post above, regarding how the whole thing ended. The more I got to know this woman, the more I began to wonder why she was such a difficult tart. Ironically, in my eyes she was hardly a decent girlfriend, let alone a candidate for an engagement ring. When I really began to politely but strongly voice my concerns, she had all kinds of convoluted self serving responses and nothing changed. Ultimately though, she ended it, telling me she wanted to be with someone who would move forward more towards marriage. This woman had no clue. I can't even make sense of her thought process. Needless to say, I politely bowed out when she asked me to leave her. So you see, in your case, she might just end it for you, but I think it would be best if you jumped ship soon. You are a young man and there are many fine women out there who are actually kind by nature.

 

[expos]

Ultimately though, she ended it, telling me she wanted to be with someone who would move forward more towards marriage. This woman had no clue.

So what poor soul ended up marrying her?

 

[pipe007]

The amaunt of quality responses, insight and willingness to give honest advice to an unknown fellow is why I keep coming back to this site. Very appreciated to all of you!

my girlfriend suspects but has no idea that im thinking about ending things, she is feeling that I'm being a bit withdrawn, and she has changed her behavior and become more caring? sweet? but out of fear? I think in a year I have tasted enough...

but I should have seen the red flags, I should have screend her out better...
earlier warning signs...

I tested her for compliance asking her to please fill out an empty bottle with water on her way to the bathroom.. her response "why don't you go with me?" "lets go together"

in our way to have some frozen yogurt, you kinow how they give you those colored spoons, pink, and green, she inmediately took the green one and gave me the pink one saying, pink is too feminine for her.

months ago we joined salsa lessons, and the male is supposed to lead the whole thing, she had a hard time processing this, and at one point where I was leading her and showing her a move, she got serious and told me in a stern voice "Dont tell me what to do!!!" total turn off, I never took her salsa dancing again.

after a year, not only she never has cooked for me, even though i know she knows how to, but she has asked me to cook for her at different times... which I have declined due to her not reciprocating... she asked me to make oatmeal for her on Hawaii, and to serve her in bed, I did do it since I was making one for me and its easy, but I kept thinking, this is not right, I told her to get up herself and have it in the table....

the next day I was going to ask her to serve me breakfast to test her, but she kinda got up and did it for me without me asking, I really believe that she knew I was going to ask so she went ahead and did it so that it sounds like it was her idea and not because,,, i told her to do it....


ughhh

Im just seriously annoyed at this, i was in love with her ,but this behavior is a natural turn off for man,,,, there is nothing i can do, must be equivalent of a guy acting like an AFC to a girl....

 

[WoodB]

So what poor soul ended up marrying her?

Last I heard, she's taken up with a fellow, most likely flogging him at gallop towards the altar. She's been married before, and has cheated on her husband with a married man before she met me. Good grief!

 

[samspade]

months ago we joined salsa lessons, and the male is supposed to lead the whole thing, she had a hard time processing this, and at one point where I was leading her and showing her a move, she got serious and told me in a stern voice "Dont tell me what to do!!!" total turn off, I never took her salsa dancing again.

Yikes. That makes me cringe. I think you know what you have to do.

 

[Colossus]

Im just seriously annoyed at this, i was in love with her ,but this behavior is a natural turn off for man,,,, there is nothing i can do, must be equivalent of a guy acting like an AFC to a girl....

Look, you're dropping wisdom and you dont even know it

Seriously though, you are right. There is nothing you can do. You have bad stock. She sounds so much like my last LTR it's scary. First, in love, then intermittent bickering, then this hell you are describing now. I would rather live in a primitive hut out in the wilderness than experience that hell again.

 

[pipe007]

What confuses me is that after her moody bossy attitude calms down after an argument or whenever she decides im not supportive enough...she acts affectionate and as if nothing had happened.... She looks at me and says, "I know we get into each others nerves sometimes but we love each other and we move forward." And I just shake my head ...

Right now she is in her best behavior being caring and affectionate because she senses I'm not happy im a bit distant, turned off, unmotivated, and she is becoming "feminine" but I see it's out of fear, I believe once she gets comfortable the feminist bossy moody demanding person will come back again

Has anyone experienced this?

 

[Colossus]

Yes, and you are absolutely right.

She KNOWS what kind of behavior you like, and she only uses it to reel you back in so she can be a b!tch again!!! Don't you see how insane this is?!

My ex used to pull that same line on me: "We do fight and piss each other off, but we always work things out." Well, I got to thinking after a while, how long is that supposed to go on??? This isnt right. A relationship shouldn't be 60-70% bickering with some peaceful intervals, that isn't cool with me, and I'd rather be single.

Mark my words, pipe, this girl will NEVER change. Not on any permanent basis. She'll be sweet and feminine when she senses you pulling away, and revert right back to the rebellious, domineering b!tch she wants to be when she has you back. Fvck that noise. Dump her and be free.