Assumptions

[Knight's Cross]

Got me into trouble with the Ex GF. When you aren't honest with yourself your assumptions that everything will work out will bite you. If you see something in a woman that you know is a dealbreaker, then walk. Do yourself and them a favor. If you know something about yourself that isn't compatible with them, walk. You could tell them, and let them make the call, but hey that's not too Alpha is it. Again and again I've repeated the habit, that as long as I'm getting some tail, and they aren't too high maintenance I'll stick with it. That's crap.

1. LDR's don't work. They are little vacations, trysts. They aren't real. You don't get to see the day to day person. Anything you think is small will amplify when you get close range. Everything from religion, to clutter, to how they deal with money.

2. Never should have moved her into my place. Again small things become big things when you are close.

3. Family issues. Whatever drama is in their past, unless they've dealt with it (counseling/therapy). You will see it have an affect on your relationship. The ex had issues with a abusive dad. So she was very clingy needy of affection. Which I was during our little vacations. Probably why she fell so hard for me. Also she met my folks. They are my rock. Married over 40 years, I'm sure she saw that and wanted it. It's exactly what she's never had. After she moved here reality set in. I'm not a real affectionate guy. My style's more acts of service, words of affirmation. So, I was accused of bait and switch/ false advertising, etc. Of course once that started guess what it did to my drive to be affectionate.

4. She equates making good $ and not relying on anyone as critical. She quit her job, rented her place and moved here. I supported her, and helped network her into a new job. Now she's only part time, but as a doc that's still 90-120k Not too shabby. However that's not good enough for her. She wants to be back to full time pulling 200k. I don't want a wife that's competing with me. She made comments that if we had kids we could get a Nanny. I want my kids raised by my wife/ me. Not someone else. The bottom line to this one is we are both Alpha's. That doesn't work.

I've got guilt that I pulled the eject handle, but that's far better than to live the rest of my life as a lie, married, kids, to someone I'm not 100%. Believe me when I say I know there are no perfect deals. I don't believe in a fairy tale perfect person out there. You've got to work with what you get. Don't bypass however flags that you know are dealbreakers.
KC

 

[Colossus]

Great post KC and I agree on all points. There is definitely no such thing as a perfect deal, that is fantasy. But when there are mismatches on those core issues---money, kids/no kids, affection style, etc--it just never resolves. I learned the family bit from my college LTR. People do not escape their family. Astute and motivated people can get counseling and work through their junk, but if you go into a relationship with her family issues that is what you will have to deal with.

 

[Slickster]

Now she's only part time, but as a doc that's still 90-120k Not too shabby. However that's not good enough for her. She wants to be back to full time pulling 200k. I don't want a wife that's competing with me.

I agree with a lot of what you've written.

This blurb above though seems crazy to me.

I don't care if my wife makes more $$ than me. I'd be happy for her. That is awesome. Most women out there seem to be waiting for some dude to come along and take care of them. Finding one that is driven, is like winning the lottery in my opinion.

 

[Knight's Cross]

Hey Slickster,
It's more of we are 2 Alpha's. I don't want an Alpha. The $ thing isn't really the point. The point that she thinks she can work 50-60 hours a week and be a good mom is what's ridiculous. Her friends that are doing that wind up with horrible kids.

 

[Slickster]

Yeah I wouldn't want a nanny raising the kids either.

 

[Burroughs]

Doctors are tough man. Dated two girls in med school. Both were alphas. We fought about everything. Didn't last.

I know tons of single doctors among my older friends and relatives. They have silly high standards in terms of male income standards... and very little to offer in terms of femininity and compromise. They are too smart to know how foolish they are.

 

[Knight's Cross]

Burroughs,
Dead on target. What I saw was a 38 YO good looking, hard worker, who is caring, affectionate, etc. What I failed to pick up till too late was that she wanted a sperm donor/ subserviant husband. Biggest clue: While at dinner with her partners in first practice, all of the women docs had husbands that were Beta's. Should have hit me square in the head what her agenda was.
She's smart, and has a pompous belief that well,"she's a doctor". Like what the F. I don't go off tooting,"Well I'm a Gulfstream Captain".
KC

 

[Colossus]

I have a good friend who is a cardiologist and he used to tell me women in medicine are notoriously difficult. I'm in the medical field and I would never date a doctor, pretty much for the above reasons. Like Burroughs said women who go to med school (or any professional school) tend to be SUPER type-A. High-achieving, high-expecting women who need to be in the driver's seat, or at the very least have to be RIGHT all the time.


No thanks, lol.

 

[Knight's Cross]

Colossus,
What I saw alot of was issues with apologies. If I called her on something she'd try to flip script and make it out like I was the one that had done the infraction. Or if I did something wrong it'd be remembered for all time. I would constantly be reminded of it. Talk about a turn off. She did move here, and she did want to be with me. Right now I'm the a$$hole. I keep being told that all of this is my fault. I didn't force her to come. She decided to. The funny part the other night was, she even said,"I wouldn't have dated me if I were you". I was like, "what?" She then replied that with their schedules, with call, etc. Waited till now to tell me that....
KC

 

[jophil28]

The funny part the other night was, she even said,"I wouldn't have dated me if I were you". I was like, "what?" She then replied that with their schedules, with call, etc. Waited till now to tell me that....
KC

She is saying that your judgement is crap and that you did not have the ability or the smarts to assess her work situation, and its limiting influences, when you and she first met .
In other words she is saying that had you stopped and thought rationally about her career demands when you first dated her, you would not have proceeded further.( Possibly she is also alluding to the idea that you were ga ga over her... her ego needs ?)

Ergo, everything that went wrong between you two after that was obviously YOUR fault because you persisted in dating her.

That is her way of further adding to her mounting criticizms, attacks and insults, and it is a classic ,albeit bizarre, lesson in how women will strain every muscle to absolve themselves of the reponsibility of their own choices and ignore their contributions to a relationship that has failed.

 

[Slickster]

Sounds like a big bullet has been dodged. Congrats.

 

[Boilermaker]

You've got to work with what you get. Don't bypass however flags that you know are dealbreakers.
KC

I agree that there's no fairy tale, and American women notoriously fight for the initiative in a relationship but I think we are missing an important point here.

Even the most dominant women are very moldable; they usually work their best to align themselves with a man especially if they 'believe'. A woman will change her entire life, beliefs and attitudes for a man if she is mesmerized by love. It is all about holding the frame tight. Because no matter how much money she makes, how sarcastic she is or how much feminist crap she's eaten; deep down a woman is programmed to be submissive, a follower. The problem is more importantly related to how much WE can handle; that is how patient and confident we are, as we progressively adjust her behavior.

My own experience is, even the most aggressive girls are willing to change when they are led to imagine themselves as being feminine and pleasing. Instilling these ideas, however, must be done with utmost care and patience, otherwise her "higher level" alarms will abruptly halt any progress. It takes a rock solid confidence to slowly direct her attitude because you must consistently ignore negative behavior, reward positive behavior and not complain about anything in the meantime. The rewards must be sporadic and the entire act must be very "positional". Aggressive play with a dominant type quickly leads to disaster, because aggression is usually interpreted as a sign of weakness in a relationship. (I was imagining Jophil here and his exemplary style.)

Recently I am coming to the realization that most problems I have faced in my life could have been avoided with slight changes in my attitude and thinking.