Asserting myself and saying "no" feels awkward.

[Dirtheart]

I've been trying very hard lately to overcome my image as a pushover. I've overcome most of my AFC traits, have a lot of confidence, but I'm trying to overcome that awkard feeling I get when I assert myself or say "no".

Recently a friend did something cheeky across me. I offered to buy her a coffee and she ordered a coffee, sandwiches and a can of Coke for later. She then asked me "Are you getting these?"

I refused on the principle of the matter, but I felt I needed to justify myself by saying "I don't have enough money", instead of simply saying "no".

I've had other friends and girlfriends who do the same. They'll order drinks, food or sometimes go to buy something in a shop, and when they're at the counter and it's time to pay, they turn to me and tell me they haven't enough money and ask me to pay.

In the past I always used to cave in to that awkward feeling and give them the money, which earned me a reputation as a pushover and encouraged them to do it again...while losing respect for me too. In fact, I think they're often doing it to test my generosity.

I just get this awkward feeling when I refuse, even though I know they're out of line. Anyone else feel like this or know how to deal with it without causing a scene?

 

[DankNuggs]

If I was EVER in that situation, and had a shadow of a doubt that it wasn't totally accidental (who doesn't carry a CC or something to pay with?) II wouldn't hang out with them again...

 

[WaterTiger]

OOOOOO! It's like reading about myself! I've often been the stuck with the bill by my so-called friends. I've learned to avoid it by the following methods.

1-Pretend you're broke! Place your order with the clerk, "I can only afford a coffee and pastry." If your friends try to add on their meals to your tab, just repeat the order. "I can only afford a coffee and pastry."

2-If you want to buy her a coffee & sandwich, then YOU order it for her. Don't let her say a word.

3-As DankNuggs suggested, quit hanging out with them!

 

[maranathaman]

Yeah, anyone who presumes you'll pay, is not a true friend, but a leech.

 

[Bombshell]

Just call her on that ****. If some chick tries to make you pay for food or whatever at the counter and says she doesnt have enough money, just throw at her "Well, thats really too bad, I guess you will just have to watch me enjoy mine." Honestly, i used to be a pushover in my afc days but that was because i wanted to be i guess. I would go out of my way to try and buy things for chicks. Now I get that same funny feeling your talking about only but its when i say yes, and the chicks i used to be supplicating to actually gave me respect for it. Trust me dude, you will get better reactions from women and feel better about yourself when you stop supplicating.

 

[AFK Protector]

Man, these dialogue posts I do make me feel all giddy inside. So here's another one:

(true btw)

We were gonna see a movie and I was buying tickets. With a group of friends. I was second to last. The girl at the end was my old oneitis who still thinks she can control me and stuff.

me: one ticket please.
her: you mean two?
me: no I mean one.
her: aren't you getting one for me? (does a flirty little smile, but my heart is black now)
me: ......what do YOU think?
her: yes??? (flirty smile again)
me: wrong answer, lady.

DAAAYUUM!!!! Burned....but yea, the cashier was cracking up.

Anywho, I was a little harsh back there. Now for you.

all you gotta do is repeat your offer.

her: aren't you getting these?
me: what the....I don't want you to get fat. Just the coffee is enough.

Now if she's a freeloader, you can just be harsh cuz its justified.

her: aww, I won't get fat.
me: you mean...fat....ER

DAYUM!!! haha that was a joke...may get you slapped.

her: aww, I won't get fat.
me: listen lady...I was TRYIN' to be nice. But now....now you just crossed the line. I ain't getting you ANYTHING.

This is where they beg. Then you end up only getting her the coffee and they feel thankful.

 

[Dirtheart]

Thanks.

Usually when this happens, I either stop hanging out with them or I bring it up when it's too late (a week later when they have no idea what to think).

But with women I definitely think it's a test and they actually want to see me stand up to them. I need to be more firm, but it's kind of hard going against all my nice-guy conditioning sometimes.

 

[Ballistik]

I hear ya, Dirtheart. But, man, you have no idea how good it feels when you get over that hump. Happened to me twice yesterday, and it made me realize that suddenly the Bible and the practice and the boot camp and all that were paying off. The better of the two was when I was eating some M&Ms and this girl who had, admittedly, pretty much walked all over me all year came up and asked for some. I said no. She looked all pouty and tried again. No. She turned around and sat on my lap and asked again. No. She ran her hands up my arm and asked again. No. She finally got up and walked away saying I was such a douche, but "amazingly" a few minutes later we're joking around.

Booyah.