asking to hang out....How would you handle this???

[LostbutFound]

Heres my situation, in my last post, I had said that I would be going to Delaware to hang out with this girl and so on. I text messaged her twice yesterday to see whats up and I wasnt getting an answer...makes me wonder.

Though I got frustrated, I didnt call her back or send another text message...but now I need to know if we're gonna hang out on Saturday or not, otherwise Im just gonna be with my friend (who is also going down there to see his girlfriend) and hang out with him and his girlfriends friends...which is not a bad thing, either way Im going down there and having a good time, with or without this girl.

Anyways, in my last post I wrote about how this girl has everything I wanted (we both love the yankees, both are gonna be teachers, the list went on) but when I met her I screwed up and had my gaurd up...freaked her out and ended up liking my friend.

Long story short, she still has a thing for my friend, but hes made it clear that hes involved with another girl and doesnt want her. So she wanted me to come down and visit (though I think she actually want me and my friend she likes to come down) I told her its just me and another friend she never met...I dont know if she liked the idea or not...

What im thinking is how am I gonna ask her if she is definitely gonna hang out or not. I text messaged her with "what are you doing this saturday", she replied "working, why?" and I said my friend and I were coming down..no reply...So i sent back, are there any good bars down there because I might come visit you...no reply...and i never answered back...

So now I need to know if she is or not, just so I can make plans with my friend if Im hanging with this girl, or him and his friends..
should I call or send a text message?? I was just simply gonna say "are you available after work?? I was coming down to visit you, but if you're busy, let me know because Ill be with my friend"

Is that alright??(probably sounds a little desperate. What would you change or how would you ask the question. Im going down saturday, but I'd like to know before then if im goin to see her or not, just to plan things out a little better.

 

[JohnJones]

I think you should decide now what you want to do, and I tend to think that should be doing your own thing with your friend. I would go silent on her, not as a strategy but because you have already tried and apparently gotten nowhere.

If she is interested she'll contact you before the time. That doesn't mean you should see her however. Calmly explain to her that you did not hear from her and you made other plans in the meantime.

Obviously you want to see the girl and that is fine but if that's not the plan then there is nothing wrong with you finding something better to do than waiting till she contacts you.

 

[LostbutFound]

Thats understandable...but since I told her I was going to visit HER, should I be the one letting her know whats going on or not??

I could understand if I was like "hey im coming down to Delaware with my friend" and then she says "why dont you come visit and we'll hang out"...then if was gettin no reply to just go out and do my own thing

But since I said I was coming down and maybe ill visit her, im kind of doing the asking..right??

Anymore advice or showing the right way I should ask without looking desperate would be appreciated.

 

[Trance]

Dont go out with her this time, dont contact her. If she calls you back about this time, tell her you already made plans (dont tell if its a friend or girl).
And try to setup something the next week. If she doesnt attend at that time, you know what to do.

 

[JohnJones]

So you are trying to be kind in letting her know that you won't be hanging with her.

I would still let it go, since if she doesn't want to see you why would you try again.

If you are trying to be nice and just let her know what you are doing? I still say let it go but on Saturday if you haven't heard from her, call her and tell her that you are going out with your friends and maybe you'll catch up some other time (but not that night).

 

[LostbutFound]

I probably didnt clarify what I meant..my fault..Ill explain in more detail.

I told her that I would come down and visit her sometime...My friends girlfriend goes to the same school as the girl I wanted to see...So we came up with the idea of sort of a double date...he would be with his girl, and Me with this girl...That was the original plan...not to just go down there with my friend, that actually happened to come into plan when I told him I was thinking of going to see her and he said yo my girl goes there, ill go with you....So i didnt make plans to hang out with him first and then thought maybe I should visit this girl...My original plan was to visit the girl, then my friend coming with me came into plan...I hope that clarifies the situation a little better...Or am I still on the same boat as before with what I should do??

 

[JohnJones]

Would it be odd for you to go there and hang with your friend if you didn't contact the girl first? Meaning, are you going to see her no matter what?

 

[LostbutFound]

I guess I see your point...Im just a little frustrated over this girl...i'd really like to show her the real side of me which is outgoing and fun and not what she first saw which was extremely defensive and quite...

I know this would be a perfect opportunity which is why im a little anxious to see her and show her what Im really like, but I guess I got a little ahead of myself and my plans didnt go the way I wanted them too....I guess my best solution is to just go and have fun with my friend (like you said) and not even worry about the girl...

If she wants to hang out, then she should call me that day and see if Im really down there, otherwise its her loss of having a great time and seeing what Im really all about when im not soo uptight

 

[JohnJones]

That sounds like the right attitude. Do avoid contacting her anymore.

 

[DJnomore]

Couple of things

1) You can't make her like you. If she doesn't like you thats ok. You can maximize your odds, but that involves doing what will MAXIMIZE your odds not what FEELS GOOD.

2) Hanging out with a guy she likes will NOT MAXIMIZE your odds.

3) Telling her you are comming down to see her rather than getting her to agree she WANTS you to come visit you. DOES NOT MAXIMIZE your odds.

4) If she agreed to meet you and then is avoiding your calls it is either blatant and then you blow her off or not blatant in which case you go see her and if she isn't available then you will have some time on your hands to think about how you want to change your approach. Focus on how YOU will change to face the world not on how the WORLD should change to suit you.

Good luck. Chin up. Even if this goes horribly horribly wrong most guys have similiar experiences. We just don't like to talk about them. My take is you will have much much better odds with this girl if you back way way way off (but not this weekend you are committed).

You MUST kill the idea that she will LIKE you if only she sees things your way, or the true you etc. She may like you or she may not like you that is her choice. You maximize your odds when you communicate that you are man enough to handle either outcome.

 

[DJnomore]

Originally posted by LostbutFound

If she wants to hang out, then she should call me that day and see if Im really down there, otherwise its her loss of having a great time and seeing what Im really all about when im not soo uptight

Nothing is more AFC than begging a girl to go out with you and then blowing her off cause your feelings are hurt.

You CANNOT do more damage this weekend by calling her. You are going to her neck of the woods to see HER. You have already announced your intentions you have to follow through. The damage is done and pretending otherwise is just silly.

Call her once when you are down there. Only once. If she is out and plays the why didn't you call me you can say I did you weren't in and I got busy...sorry. This shows you have value much more than not calling.

Be very fluffy when you call.
"Hi we are going to x you want to come? No? Cool! the car can only really seat 4 but I felt committed to ask since I had mentioned it via email. Have a great weekend girl sorry I don't have more time to catch up with you but I think you know where to find me"

That is much much less LAME then going to see a girl and then not seeing her. And trust me you will regret it MUCH LESS even if it hurts a LITTLE more for a short time.

I may sound mean here but I have been in your shoes and I know whats up. Then...wait....6 months....and if you still think she is something special go visit her again. Your odds will be better by then. But this time just drop in and call her, you will probably miss her but it is ok. If she respects you at all she will probably want to meet. If you respect yourself you won't be too hurt either way.

 

[uniassign]

Call her once you are down there. Chances are that she will not answer your call. Leave the following message:

hey XXX, I am in YYY. I have some important errands to run, so it looks like you wont be able to have the time of your life with me this Saturday. I might be free on Sunday for a quick coffee though. I will let you know

This way you are taking the flaking away from her. Chances are that most guys do not flake on her, and because you flaked first, she will value you more.

 

[LostbutFound]

Thanks for the advice guys...I guess I got ahead of myself...The kid that she likes wasnt going down with me and my friend, so I thought it would be a great opportunity.

My friend that I am going with (who is a player and a half..gotta give him props) said when we go down there, we're gonna go to his girls place first and for me to call this girl from there...If she answers, cool, if not, his girl has a lot of friends and his girlfriend said I am definitely all their type...So Im guessing this weekend wont be a total flop if I dont get to hang with this girl, cause I got other ones I can hang with if it dont work out.

So Ill just call her, if I get the answering machine, Im just gonna say "Hey its me, my friend and I just got down to Delaware and are gonna be here till tomorrow...If you wanna have fun tonight give me a call, Im gonna go hang out at so and so with some people, so let me know, otherwise Ill talk to you later."

How does that sound??